Would you put your children before your husband?

I have a different view point on this entirely. I was married when I was young and thought the world of my Ex-Husband. Thought we were going to live a wonderful life together. Start a family together. That changed pretty quickly when we began to try to have kids and had no luck. It was determined that I was not able to have children. My Ex-Husband quickly started to distance himself from me and then also cheated on me and I realized he was not willing to go forward with this marriage unless I was able to give him children so we separated and then divorced. Shortly after that because I still wanted a family I adopted my son. So as you can probably imagine I would put my son over my scum of an Ex Husband any day.
 

Signe The Survivor said:
I have a different view point on this entirely. I was married when I was young and thought the world of my Ex-Husband. Thought we were going to live a wonderful life together. Start a family together. That changed pretty quickly when we began to try to have kids and had no luck. It was determined that I was not able to have children. My Ex-Husband quickly started to distance himself from me and then also cheated on me and I realized he was not willing to go forward with this marriage unless I was able to give him children so we separated and then divorced. Shortly after that because I still wanted a family I adopted my son. So as you can probably imagine I would put my son over my scum of an Ex Husband any day.
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Sorry you had to go through that, Signe; I bet your son is wonderful, though, and I'm glad he's gotten to have you for a mother. :love:
 
If I were married, I would absolutely give my husband my all before anyone.
He would come first in every thought and action.
But, a husband now would command respect and honor, not only from me but my two grown children.
However, In my first marriage, I had no respect for my "husband" at all, so Yes, I absolutely put my children first.
 

Ask me for my 2 cents and I have researched this topic a lot. If you want a great relationship with your spouse then your spouse has to be #1 in your life. The kids are grown up and left the nest. If you make the kiddies #1 then your marriage is up the creek with no paddle. I have been married twice and each time both of my ladies were always #1 in my life and they knew it because I told them. You can still love your kids but your spouse has to be your #1.
 
Gaer said:
If I were married, I would absolutely give my husband my all before anyone.
He would come first in every thought and action.
But, a husband now would command respect and honor, not only from me but my two grown children.
However, In my first marriage, I had no respect for my "husband" at all, so Yes, I absolutely put my children first.
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My first husband would never have come before my sons……he never deserved that !
 
Murrmurr said:
I'm not sure what you mean. First in line for cake, or....?

We married young. She always put herself first, so our marriage didn't last long, and four years later I was a single father of 3.
After the divorce, I dated, and I was in a few years-long relationships, but no woman's needs came before my kids' needs.

But are you talking about grown children? When my kids were grown enough to take care of themselves, I focused on myself. In fact, I recently (finally) married again. (We hit the 6-month mark this month. 🎉)

Now my wife comes first and my kids know it. And they're fine with it. They're very happy for me.
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Good for you! I think you should put you and your wife’s needs first!
 
This is a hard question to answer. I love my husband with every breath I take. We are married over 50yrs and he is my heart. But at the same time so are my 2 children and now my grandchildren. I Love all of them equally with all my heart. I would not want to live one day without any of them.
 
Jules said:
Do you think they realize how much they’ve deserted you?
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Oh yes im sure they do…theyve always said ,we are in a bubble ..so guessing let us get on with it
plus friction , between my 2 sons and hubbys sons+……i guess they both think the other sons aretheir for us , which they arnt ..
 
Packerjohn said:
Ask me for my 2 cents and I have researched this topic a lot. If you want a great relationship with your spouse then your spouse has to be #1 in your life. The kids are grown up and left the nest. If you make the kiddies #1 then your marriage is up the creek with no paddle. I have been married twice and each time both of my ladies were always #1 in my life and they knew it because I told them. You can still love your kids but your spouse has to be your #1.
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A friend of mine who is sadly no longer with us, put things a little differently, (essentially questioning the basis of the thread title and OP you might say).

He suggested neither the children, nor the partner/other parent, should come first all the time, not least because he believed it was not good to tell children their interests mattered above everyone else's, all the time! :unsure:
 
First of all, the love for one's partner and the love for one's children are two entirely different things.

Next, until children are adults they can't take care of themselves. It's our responsibility as parents to take care of them.

Would I run to a partner's rescue at the expense of children too young to fend for themselves? Absolutely not.
 
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officerripley said:
You know, now that I think about it, I think in at least some cases the reason that the wife cares more about the kids then her husband is that--again, around here anyway--the husbands seem to care more about their "success" (i.e., money, big fancy house, etc.) than her or even their own flesh-and-blood kids or grands, so it could be the women are reacting in defense to that. It's interesting: I've read lately about more than a few studies asking old men, including in Europe, Canada, the U.K., the U.S, Australia, NZ, what they were happiest about when it came to their lives and all but the U.S. guys mentioned families, friends; almost all of the U.S. guys said how much money they had made (or tried to) and if they could still drive or not. So I guess, in some parts of the U.S. anyway, money and machines matter the most to American men. That's sure been my experience anyway and I've lived in 3 different parts of the U.S., big city, suburban and rural.
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On the Oprah Winfrey show with Dr. Phil, twenty years ago maybe, they did a big thing didn't they, looking into why couples split up, and the most striking thing I remember, was that when asked to name their list of priorities in their lives, the things that mattered most to them, where the spouse came in the list was fourth or fifth, (and I have to say, this was possibly the case in the women taking part more so than the men?).

Once they had this pointed out to them it came as a revelation to some, and basically very well suited couples sorted out whatever it was that had brought them to question their marriages, but it took someone from outside to point out what you'd have thought should have been obvious to the individuals! :unsure::rolleyes:
 
When our children were little, both my husband and I put them above anything else without a doubt.
Now, although they are grown, I would have to go down with the sinking ship, because I could not save one and let the others go.
Life without my husband and children woud be tragic.
 
Son first. He has a chronic illness and shouldn't live alone, so if my husband (his step-father) made me choose, I would stay with the one who needed me most. Fortunately he is a kind man and doesn't mind a home with three adults.
 
Signe The Survivor said:
I have a different view point on this entirely. I was married when I was young and thought the world of my Ex-Husband. Thought we were going to live a wonderful life together. Start a family together. That changed pretty quickly when we began to try to have kids and had no luck. It was determined that I was not able to have children. My Ex-Husband quickly started to distance himself from me and then also cheated on me and I realized he was not willing to go forward with this marriage unless I was able to give him children so we separated and then divorced. Shortly after that because I still wanted a family I adopted my son. So as you can probably imagine I would put my son over my scum of an Ex Husband any day.
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I suspect your husband cheated because he was a cheater & dishonest & just used your being unable to have children as an excuse.
I know two married couples who adopted children & they both have said "As far as the rewards are concerned, there is no difference between adoption & having your own."
 
win231 said:
I suspect your husband cheated because he was a cheater & dishonest & just used your being unable to have children as an excuse.
I know two married couples who adopted children & they both have said "As far as the rewards are concerned, there is no difference between adoption & having your own."
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I wish I knew that before I married him. ;) I can tell you first hand that my son is no different than if I carried him for 9 months or signed adoption papers. He is loved the same.
 
win231 said:
I suspect your husband cheated because he was a cheater & dishonest & just used your being unable to have children as an excuse.
I know two married couples who adopted children & they both have said "As far as the rewards are concerned, there is no difference between adoption & having your own."
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Thirty years ago I met and got to know quite well a very lively and interesting man from Cairo, who had married a French girl, and then lived in Paris. Whilst arguing for the system in place in Egypt regarding marriage he raised just this issue, or what a man might wish to do should his first wife be unable to bear him a child, (men having multiple wives in his home country being permitted).
One thing was for sure, his very modern young French wife Marlene, was never going to live in Egypt under the rules in place there under any circumstances, (but I lost touch so cant say how their lives progressed).
 
It could be situational.

On an airplane if the oxygen masks drop down, the advice given is to put your mask on 1st.

I can't think of an instance in 60 years of marriage & 3 sons when a choice was needed.
 
StarSong said:
This is a fascinating discussion. Does this come up often - "choosing" one's spouse over a child, or the other way around? I can't actually think of a scenario where that's come into play in my family.

We put the person with the greatest need in first position. When one of our kids is in need, DH and I work with them to get their lives back on track. When my husband or I are ill or need some help, our children work together to help us out.

It's not a matter of putting their spouses second or first - their spouses are on board to help, too. And we are likewise committed to helping their spouses.

I don't honestly think my family is all that unusual in this regard...
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Evidently our families ARE unusual in this day and age. I'd hate to have to live in an environment where I had to "choose " between my loved ones and fortunately it hasn't been required.

As we've moved into our late 80's, they've all been nearby and supportive of our health problems, in the same manner that we cared for theirs in their childhood.
 
Knight said:
It could be situational.

On an airplane if the oxygen masks drop down, the advice given is to put your mask on 1st.

I can't think of an instance in 60 years of marriage & 3 sons when a choice was needed.
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Quite true. I can't think of one, either. But this did remind me of a woman I only saw for a couple of dates.
She seemed annoyed whenever I showed my dog any affection. At first, I thought she just didn't care for dogs - which was fine with me; I don't expect everyone to be an animal lover.
But when we got home from our second date, as soon as I pet my dog, she said, "I wonder what would happen if I asked you to choose between me & that dog."
I replied, "I'd suggest you wear your seat belt & drive safely."
She looked really shocked & said, "You're kidding, aren't you?"
I said, "No. If you cared about me & you weren't a selfish, thoughtless person, you wouldn't ask me to make such a choice."
She stormed off, slammed my front door & I heard her screech her tires when she drove away - while I LOL'd.
 

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