You've been shunned by your child, do you require explanation?

grahamg

grahamg

Old codger
Location
South of Manchester, UK
My way of dealing with life, especially concerning my own child, (who as many know I've been alienated from for many years), would be to try very hard not to bear any grudges, nor expect even an explanation as to the treatment I've received from my daughter.

I think its true to say I loved her as much as I possibly could, and yet twenty years on since I had any real contact with her, I'm treated as a leper, and know as well as it can be known, this treatment metered out by my daughter, is all I can expect.

However, five or so years ago, without explanation I was permitted to be present during one fairly short visit to another family members house. It occurs to me now, (at long last you could say), I should not have trusted her motives for allowing this, and before agreeing to be present, I should have asked, "why, having been shunned for so long, the sudden, unexpected change"?

Do you agree, it simply isn't wise to trust even your own child, in these circumstances?
 

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"However, five or so years ago, without explanation I was permitted to be present during one fairly short visit to another family members house. It occurs to me now, (at long last you could say), I should not have trusted her motives for allowing this, and before agreeing to be present, I should have asked, "why, having been shunned for so long, the sudden, unexpected change"?"

Can you give more information about this incident, please?
 

You've been shunned by your child, do you require explanation?​


grahammy, I can only relate to my own situation

I'd welcome the reprieve

As much as I've ignored them, and hid, they seem to find me
Sure, I love 'em.......long distance

As for your circumstance?
Seems a rumor mill is in full operation
I'd live an exemplary life
Let that speak for me

A daughter, one with a working brain, will come around

I'd attend an invite, but not give one word of credence to any situation
Polite chats
Nibble food
Sip drinks
Ta Ta
 

What do you want to do about your relationship with your daughter? Do you want to try to connect with your daughter? Interestingly, would your recent court proceedings have anything to do with your daughter's sudden interests in you?
 
IMO it’s not about her it’s about you.

You can’t control your family’s behavior or recollections of the past but you have complete control over your behavior.

I agree with Gary.

Keep the door open by accepting the invitation.

Keep it light and enjoy yourself without delving into the past or turning it into a family therapy session.

Good luck to you and your family.
 
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Did something bad arise from the short family meeting you went to?

Are you invited to something else now?
 
Over a year ago my son turned against me, my husband, and our daughter. Up until then we had been helping him finnacially through his divorce. My daughter even had him and his girlfriend and her kids over for dinner a lot and his 2 boys would be there also. All of a sudden he got annoyed that we still talked to his ex-wife. I told him if we didn't keep in touch with her it would hurt my grandsons. I called him after not hearing from him for weeks. I didn't get an answer and we did some searching and found out he moved to Las Vegas from Philadelphia. The divorce was his fault and his ex raised the 2 young boys to become wonderful young men on her own. When my daughter and her family had the covid he didn't even call her. It's heartbreaking , but there isn't anything we can do.
 
On the forum I go to for children who were abused, there are a number of people who have gone "no contact" with abusing parent and often also the enabler spouse, also referred to as a co-abuser.

Had I ever gone no contact with my mother and told her the reason, she would have denied it all. This appears to be common with borderline personality disorder. This is just my experience.
 
Remy said:
On the forum I go to for children who were abused, there are a number of people who have gone "no contact" with abusing parent and often also the enabler spouse, also referred to as a co-abuser.

Had I ever gone no contact with my mother and told her the reason, she would have denied it all. This appears to be common with borderline personality disorder. This is just my experience.
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My mother probably had BPD. She definitely fits the profile. She was probably a sociopath, too, considering some of the things she did. And like your mother, she denied it all.
 
Mr. Ed said:
What do you want to do about your relationship with your daughter? Do you want to try to connect with your daughter? Interestingly, would your recent court proceedings have anything to do with your daughter's sudden interests in you?
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No, none, or at least not unless the fact my daughter has declined an invitation to provide a statement as to what happened on the day she brought her first child (aged 6 months) and her husband to visit her grandfather, (the last day she choose to visit him before he died, eighteen months later).
 
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Irwin said:
I cut off all contact with my mother and my sister almost 20 years ago. I was tired of all the dishonesty and nastiness.
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In those circumstances it would be very hard to critise anyone doing as you did, because honesty is very important, (whilst accepting that even very honest people, like my own mother, might sometimes mislead you a bit, or simply not know what they're doing themselves, and can be forgiven for that fault of course).
 
Shero said:
To be shunned by a child is indeed very sad and only you know why that is. My advice for what it is worth, is to keep any line of communication open.
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Good advice, and many friends have said similar things, (a few people, who I didn't know well, have said the complete opposite however, and declared any child treating them as my daughter has treated me, would be out of the picture for good!).
 
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Gary O' said:
You've been shunned by your child, do you require explanation? grahammy, I can only relate to my own situation, I'd welcome the reprieve. As much as I've ignored them, and hid, they seem to find me. Sure, I love 'em.......long distance. As for your circumstance?
Seems a rumor mill is in full operation. I'd live an exemplary life
Let that speak for me. A daughter, one with a working brain, will come around
I'd attend an invite, but not give one word of credence to any situation
Polite chats. Nibble food. Sip drinks. Ta Ta
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I like your response, (as ever!).
 
Judycat said:
Children grow up and leave. Be thankful for any contact no matter how rare, but live your own life.
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You've got to understand the pursuit of ruthless self interest if you are to get an inkling into what has gone on here, and who exactly might be thinking that way, (I've behaved as you suggest for far too long, and very foolishly I now believe).

Thanks for telling me to "live your own life", (I wont pretend to know whether you follow this maxim well enough, so cant tell you to in return, but I will presume you do :sneaky:).
 
I've seen a couple of cases where parents and their children became a bit hostile to each other. I don't know what leads up to these kinds of problems. Insofar as we and our kids are concerned....we try to stay out of their lives, and only offer any advise if/when asked. As a result, we maintain a cordial relationship.
 
grahamg said:
In those circumstances it would be very hard to critise anyone doing as you did, because honesty is very important, (whilst accepting that even very honest people, like my own mother, might sometimes mislead you a bit, or simply not know what they're doing themselves, and can be forgiven for that fault of course).
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The really sad thing is, I could have forgiven her if she just apologized and been honest about it, but she just lied even more. Lying is a sign of disrespect. It was at that point that I cut off all contact.
 
Irwin said:
My mother probably had BPD. She definitely fits the profile. She was probably a sociopath, too, considering some of the things she did. And like your mother, she denied it all.
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Irwin, I'm so sorry. I know what this does to a child. And speaking for myself, it's effected my entire life.
 
grahamg said:
You've got to understand the pursuit of ruthless self interest if you are to get an inkling into what has gone on here, and who exactly might be thinking that way, (I've behaved as you suggest for far too long, and very foolishly I now believe).

Thanks for telling me to "live your own life", (I wont pretend to know whether you follow this maxim well enough, so cant tell you to in return, but I will presume you do :sneaky:).
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So what's your next move? Stalking? Daily phone calls? Visiting her at her job and holding her boss at gunpoint? These will definitely get you an appointment with a judge and maybe some jail time.
 
Judycat said:
So what's your next move? Stalking? Daily phone calls? Visiting her at her job and holding her boss at gunpoint? These will definitely get you an appointment with a judge and maybe some jail time.
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I think you're assuming wayyyy too much about my character there.

I've had my daughter's address for about two years, and never once attempted to even go past her house, though I visit the city a few times a year, (I've had her mobile number for five or more years, and not sent a text, let alone telephoned, since the visit described in the OP.

As a "super sleuth" therefore, I'd say you've a bit to learn, (ditto amateur psychologist), and I couldn't see a lawyer in the Perry Mason mould, hiring you like Paul Drake anytime soon! :)
 

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