Are most lifelong problems due to our relationship with our mother?

My first thought which I hadn’t bothered sharing was that if it really is the mother’s fault it’s only because too many dads regard child rearing as women’s work and are too emotionally unavailable anyway.

But after reading through a few pages I’ll say my mother was a damaged individual but also the best person in my life and the one sought out most by the rest of her siblings and their kids.

Like the moms of several others here mine was manic depressive. Her parents were physically abusive and her father was a pedophile and she kept us away from them.

Growing up I mostly remember her being depressed but that mostly came out as missing my father who was in the navy and often away at sea. But she was clearly dissatisfied with him as he lacked any social understanding or human warmth.

Still he had an even harder life and though he was punitive and ineffectively tried to be the boss, he was always true to her and made sure she got all his limited earnings with which to raise me and my six siblings.

I can’t blame either of them for how they managed given their own challenges. But it was impossible to form an attachment to him while she empathetic, approachable and a good listener and person to talk with. I loved my mother and credit her for all the qualities I appreciate most about myself. We were always careful about money and my siblings and I looked to work as soon as we found an opportunity to earn some cash. Not an idyllic childhood but I mostly feel lucky.
 
Rose65 said:
That's awful. Yes, hardest for younger kids left in a relentlessly miserable household. It can mean siblings turn on each other because all that pain is stored.

Maybe it's possible you might talk to your brother one day and explain how it was for you. However, it's absolutely your decision and it may by now be impossible. I can not only imagine but I know how you must feel. Similar things happened in our family. Bad marriages spread ripple effects that gain power over years until everyone is left damaged.
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My mother disowned this brother when I was in high school. She never spoke with him again. Borderlines need supply. Bad. But she could let him go, she had other supply left. I won't get into the circumstances, but do I ever remember that day.

I tried to connect with him in my 20's, but I really don't like him or the way he treated me. He tried to tell me I should have a relationship with the bio-dad. He did. But I had no interest in him. He never tried to see us when my mother cut him out. I was 7 or 8. I know this for a fact, because if he had, my mother would have been screaming about it.

She later bragged she never went after money from him. Child support or his military pension. Nothing to brag about. She married an enabler with a good job. She didn't need his money.
 

My mom had to have a female operation of some type. I was 15 at the time, in school and gad a part time job. My mom left a list of chores for my sister to do. Dust, run the vacuum every 2 days, keep up with the wash and make dinner. (That was a joke. My sister didn’t know how to cook.)

I did the work. When mom came home from the hospital about 10 days later, she was happy with the way the house looked and the wash basket was empty. My mom asked me who did the work. I changed the subject, but she said she knew I did it. I still had to help her for a few weeks while she healed. She wanted to give me some money, but I refused it. I was saving for a car, so she was surprised I turned it down. Dad never knew who did what. He worked most all day, except he would stop in at the hospital, even 9 o’clock at night.

I enjoyed helping my mom. She worked hard around the house to give us a clean home and good food. I think she did at least 1 load of wash every day I even hung it up if she asked. Mostly only the towels and bed linens were hung to dry.
 
Geeze...don't mothers get blamed for enough stuff?! Of course if the mother is a terrible mother, it will have an adverse effect on the child(ren). But what about fathers? Their presence or absence can have an adverse effect as well. Over the years, I have seen so many examples of people who should never have procreated.
 
Why just blame the moms? What about dad? Or siblings? Or Uncle Chester?

My point is I think children raised in a dysfunctional environment can easily carry problems forward into adulthood. I don't think mothers are the primary cause of all lifelong problems, but will concede one destructive person can scar us for life, but that person can be anyone.

I always preached that once an adult you make your own decisions and should no longer blame problems from childhood issues. Now that I'm older and wiser I no longer think that way. I've come to believe our childhood wires us a certain way, emotionally and intellectually, and it takes a lot of self awareness to recognize those negative issues and re-wire ourselves to be different.
 
Naturally said:
Regardless of how things were at home growing up, good or bad, I think as we mature we have to take ownership of ourselves.
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I agree with this - to only to an extent.

For example, if you were told during your formative years that the answer to conflict of any kind of violence, then it becomes not a decision, but a habit. What happens to us in the formative years are ingrained in us differently, and more deeply, than later mature decisions. In other words, if it's ingrained in you early, you're are forever trying to swim upstream. It can be changed, but the default is the default.
 
Both my kids have had issues with their mother. They were old enough to know why she left me and it wasn’t because I was a bum. She found someone else who was also married. She got a ”two-fer” as in she ruined two marriages at the same time. I guess in some circles that’s extra points. It has taken years for one child to warm up to her again. The other tolerates her mother because, well, she is her mother. In my mind both children have been somewhat hobbled by their mother’s decision. But, I do admit I am not completely unprejudiced in having that view.

Thankfully, both children have a great relationship with me and love it when we can visit. I see them as often as I can without being a pest.
 
C50 said:
Why just blame the moms? What about dad? Or siblings? Or Uncle Chester?

My point is I think children raised in a dysfunctional environment can easily carry problems forward into adulthood. I don't think mothers are the primary cause of all lifelong problems, but will concede one destructive person can scar us for life, but that person can be anyone.

I always preached that once an adult you make your own decisions and should no longer blame problems from childhood issues. Now that I'm older and wiser I no longer think that way. I've come to believe our childhood wires us a certain way, emotionally and intellectually, and it takes a lot of self awareness to recognize those negative issues and re-wire ourselves to be different.
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When I found out they believe childhood abuse and trauma rewires that child's brain, it explained a lot. I also believe much of my issues is due to essentially zero resiliency. My mother isolated me. She was an immigrant so none of her family here. I never met one relative of my bio-dad. He as from back east somewhere and retired from the military in California. Fort Ord to be exact. I don't have any bad memories of my stepfather's family. They were nice to me. They could have been my family but my mother hated them and isolated us kids and my stepdad from his own family. Diabolical.
 
Remy said:
When I found out they believe childhood abuse and trauma rewires that child's brain, it explained a lot. I also believe much of my issues is due to essentially zero resiliency. My mother isolated me. She was an immigrant so none of her family here. I never met one relative of my bio-dad. He as from back east somewhere and retired from the military in California. Fort Ord to be exact. I don't have any bad memories of my stepfather's family. They were nice to me. They could have been my family but my mother hated them and isolated us kids and my stepdad from his own family. Diabolical.
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That is true.

My foster son, Paxton, was just under a month old when I took him into my home and my life. He was over 2 1/2 years old when the state court granted custody of him to his mother. She drank, had violent fights with their father, and had a very chaotic home. She abused Paxton physically and emotionally because he didn't adjust well to the extreme change in environment, and 8 months later CPS took him from her again.

Paxton told CPS he wanted to live with me, but he had 2 younger siblings and CPS wouldn't separate them...I had only 1 bedroom, and one of the siblings was a girl, so CPS wouldn't let me foster them.

Paxton and his siblings were placed in 3 more foster homes within a little over 2 years. Paxton told everyone he could, every time they were moved, that he wanted to live with "Uncka Fwank" (me). No one listened.

When Paxton left my care, he was a smart, polite, friendly, very happy kid. A totally cool kid with a great disposition. Last time I saw him (less than 3yrs later), he was distrustful, wary, irritable, and rarely smiled or made eye contact. A scared, angry little guy with a chip on his shoulder.
 
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My mom never wanted to have kids and she shouldn't have.

Focusing on the positive, my grandmother was absolutely awesome and helped me from the day I was born until the day she died. In most ways that matter she was my mom she raised me. She supported my dreams no matter how farfetched they seemed rand I achieved more with her love than I could have alone or with anybody else. If it hadn't been for Gran, I would have lost my sanity long ago. I do think we all need a strong maternal figure in our lives. :giggle:
 
I grew up a bit differently from everyone else. My Mom and Dad both worked, and my Aunt Tudy lived with us and was the woman who wiped my nose and made my meals and watched over me.

My Mom was a beautiful Italian (Trieste) woman who always looked nice. She taught me manners - especially towards women - and I loved her dearly. Mom was certainly good to me, but there never was a real closeness.

My Aunt was older, heavy, and not attractive but she "took care of me" and kept me in line. At the time, Mom was "the good mom" and Aunt Tudy was the "controlling aunt".

When I had kids of my own, I gradually realized that Aunt Tudy did all the "heavy lifting" when it came to raising me, and I now cherish her memory for that.

All said, sometimes it was hard, like on Mother's Day. Even then I knew Aunt Tudy was much more active as my "mother" than my real mother was. Yikes, it was hard walking that tightrope.
 
@Murrmurr I feel so bad for Paxton and for you. The truth is, Paxton could be seperated from his siblings and still visit them. Kids are beyond resilient as long as they are treated well. After my mother left my biodad she was hospitalized and sick for some time. I didn't know why, I found out years later (not from her) that she had TB. She must have got it at work in the hospital.

I stayed with a woman I believe my mother knew from work. Her daughter was one or two years older than me. They treated me the same. I have no bad memories of being there. I remember them loading up the car and we spent the day at the beach sometimes. I don't know where my brother 2 years older than me was, I remember my oldest brother by 11+ years visiting me a time or two. I do remember her older brothers didn't seem to like me or their sister. We were not allowed in their room. I don't remember much else about them.

But I remember no adverse effects of being with that family. Because they were good to me. Kids are resilient when treated well. Paxton did not get what he deserved. Or you.
 
Remy said:
@Murrmurr I feel so bad for Paxton and for you. The truth is, Paxton could be seperated from his siblings and still visit them. Kids are beyond resilient as long as they are treated well.
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Pax will never be the person he could have been, and that breaks my heart.

And, yes, kids are resilient. But without someone to guide them to form good ways of coping with trauma and bad parenting, they often adopt unhealthy methods of coping.

You have to search long and hard (because states don't want you to know) to find articles and studies about the alarming number of kids in and out of the foster system who become addicts and repeat criminal offenders. Prison becomes a foster home to way too many of them. All due to bad parenting in their early childhood that was never addressed or somehow resolved.
 
Murrmurr said:
Pax will never be the person he could have been, and that breaks my heart.

And, yes, kids are resilient. But without someone to guide them to form good ways of coping with trauma and bad parenting, they often adopt unhealthy methods of coping.

You have to search long and hard (because states don't want you to know) to find articles and studies about the alarming number of kids in and out of the foster system who become addicts and repeat criminal offenders. Prison becomes a foster home to way too many of them. All due to bad parenting in their early childhood that was never addressed or somehow resolved.
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I completely agree with you. When I mentioned the resiliency, I meant that Paxton would not have been terribly damaged not living with his siblings. As long as he had good caregivers and parent figures like you. It sounds like he's in a household of poor parenting and I know the damage that can do.

Years ago a therapist told me I should be dead, strung out on drugs or in prison. I paid little attention to it. But I believe the prisons are full of abused kids and foster care kids.
 
Remy said:
I completely agree with you. When I mentioned the resiliency, I meant that Paxton would not have been terribly damaged not living with his siblings. As long as he had good caregivers and parent figures like you. It sounds like he's in a household of poor parenting and I know the damage that can do.

Years ago a therapist told me I should be dead, strung out on drugs or in prison. I paid little attention to it. But I believe the prisons are full of abused kids and foster care kids.
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In fact, my friend Melanie fostered Paxton's younger siblings (the twins) while I was already foster dad to Paxton (twins were born 11 after Pax), and she brought the twins to my place every week and we'd sometimes meet at a park or whatever. Then COVID hit and so we had the kids do face-time instead. By then, they were learning to talk.

Point is, they were getting to know each other and knew they were bros and sister. We could have kept doing that plus spend holidays together and stuff, if CPS would have been agreeable. But they preferred housing the kids with total strangers who decided they didn't want them after several months because they adopted a baby. So they were placed in another home with new strangers.

CPS, DCF, CYF and whatever else the agency goes by, they make a LOT of mistakes. A LOT. They ruin millions of kids in the US every day.
 
Remy said:
They do @Murrmurr they really do. I sure wish I knew what the answer was.
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Thousands of people, mostly foster parents, have demanded reform, but they're ignored. Someone needs to make the (hidden) relative studies, reports, and articles public. Really splash them everywhere. Maybe then more people would get angry and CPS and some politicians would get embarrassed enough to do something meaningful.
 


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