Adult Niece's Unacceptable Behavior

M

maplebeez

Member
I have had a close relationship with my niece since the day she was born. But today I'm ticked off because she's still declining my dinner invitations, insisting that with working full-time, caring for her baby & her household chores, it's too hard for them to come for dinner. Yet she & her husband make weekend plans with their friends & take time off work for long-weekend trips, with the baby, to visit college friends. I last heard from her weeks ago, when she said, we have to get together, because they still have my Christmas gift (I made sure she, her husband & the baby got their gifts) but with her busy schedule she wasn't able to set a date.

Yesterday I tried again inviting them to my home for dinner some weekend this summer & she sends me a text saying their summer weekends are booked up until after Labor Day! I've only seen the baby twice since he was born eight months ago. Her repeated excuses upset me (they don't seem to bother her Dad) & I know this wouldn't be happening if her mother was still alive. What's an Aunt to do?
 

Her mother would tell her, most of our family is gone, and deciding to cut out the few who are still alive, who've loved & supported you, your entire life........is wrong.
 

My son, who's going to be 46 soon, told me recently that he hates me for abandoning him. He was 23 at the time! Anyway, there's a lot more to the story but another thing he's complaining about is that we lived "too far away" and "it just wasn't feasible to drive 45 minutes to see me". This was when we lived in PA years ago. However, he and his girlfriend never had a problem driving with her parents to Erie or Pittsburgh, which was at least 2 hours from them to go to hockey games or shopping.

My point is...there may be underlying reasons on her part that you're not aware of. I had NO idea my son resented me and hated me. I have no contact with him and, even though he'll always be my son, I'm not willing to be his doormat.

You need to have a chat with her and clear the air.
 
[h=2]Adult Niece's Unacceptable Behavior[/h] The thread title sets a negative tone of how you feel which is why I like Colleen's response

there may be underlying reasons on her part that you're not aware of &
You need to have a chat with her and clear the air.
Click to expand...

I think it's better to ask "why" than to judge without knowing the why of things
 
It's very sad, maple, but the reason your niece doesn't see you is because she doesn't want to. When there's a will there's a way. I'm sorry for you, and it's a situation I understand all too well.
 
maplebeez said:
I have had a close relationship with my niece since the day she was born. But today I'm ticked off because she's still declining my dinner invitations, insisting that with working full-time, caring for her baby & her household chores, it's too hard for them to come for dinner. Yet she & her husband make weekend plans with their friends & take time off work for long-weekend trips, with the baby, to visit college friends. I last heard from her weeks ago, when she said, we have to get together, because they still have my Christmas gift (I made sure she, her husband & the baby got their gifts) but with her busy schedule she wasn't able to set a date. Yesterday I tried inviting again inviting them to my home for dinner some weekend this summer & she sends me a text saying their summer weekends are booked up until after Labor Day! I've only seen the baby twice since he was born eight months ago. Her repeated excuses upset me (they don't seem to bother her Dad) & I know this wouldn't be happening if her mother was still alive. What's an Aunt to do?
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I agree with what some of the other people suggested. You need to speak to her and ask the reason why she is avoiding you. Could it be her husband doesn't want her to keep in touch with you. I mentioned her husband because my Son has been avoiding me lately. When I spoke with him all he said was that his girlfriend is angry with me. He mentioned a few petty things like when she sent me a birthday card I didn't have it with my other birthday cards but I had my son's ex-wife's card there. It didn't matter all the good things I did for her and her sons but a dumb thing like that convinced my son that he should stay away from me. I hope and pray someday he realizes she is wrong and I get to see my son again.
 
maplebeez said:
Her mother would tell her, most of our family is gone, and deciding to cut out the few who are still alive, who've loved & supported you, your entire life........is wrong.
Click to expand...

I agree with your mother Maplebeez, but you know that your niece already knows this. Do you want her to visit out of guilt?

I'm so sorry you have been hurt by your unfeeling niece. I agree with Bea... if you've done nothing wrong, ditch her. Best wishes.
 
RadishRose said:
I agree with your mother Maplebeez, but you know that your niece already knows this. Do you want her to visit out of guilt?

I'm so sorry you have been hurt by your unfeeling niece. I agree with Bea... if you've done nothing wrong, ditch her. Best wishes.
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I didn't mean to ditch her I just meant to leave her alone.

People only have a certain amount of time and they always find the time to do what is important to them.

Some people in their lives are on the A list and some are on the B list, I've spent most of my life on the B list and I'm OK with that. :):playful::eek:nthego:
 
Knight said:
Adult Niece's Unacceptable Behavior

The thread title sets a negative tone of how you feel which is why I like Colleen's response

Quote
there may be underlying reasons on her part that you're not aware of &
You need to have a chat with her and clear the air.

I think it's better to ask "why" than to judge without knowing the why of things
Click to expand...
I agree.
 
An unfortunate situation. maplebeez, you complained about this same niece here, right?

https://www.seniorforums.com/showthread.php/39657-No-Words

- Her mother is not around and even if she was, things might be the same as they are now. Remember, you said niece is an adult. Her mother has nothing to do with this, and it's strange that you're even bringing her mother into the discussion.

- When someone chooses not to have a closer relationship with someone else, there is always a reason. You may not/never know the reason, you may not think it's a good reason, and it may seem unfair. But there is always a reason. Speculation is pointless.

There are two sides to these types of stories.

- Confrontation won't accomplish anything. You can't force her to want to spend more time with you. You need to stop making overtures and work hard at getting past the anger and pain. You find her behavior unacceptable, but you have no choice other than to leave her alone.
 
Whenever these things occur, there's always a good reason. Sometimes the reason is known to both, but both people don't always want to acknowledge their contribution to it.

Similar situation in my (dysfunctional) family. My sister didn't speak to our mother for the last 7 years of her life, even though she lived in the house in front of hers. Why? Our mother was very abusive & controlling. Of course, (like any abuser), if you asked her, she'd say there was something wrong with everyone else who couldn't stand her. Looking at yourself as you really are requires more honesty than most people are capable of.

Then, my sister had a son & daughter. Guess what? She continued the pattern - where her mother left off. Instead of recognizing how she absorbed some of her mother's bad traits, she drove her own daughter away & they haven't spoken or seen each other for the past 20 years. Her son also didn't speak to her for 2 years, but he and I had several talks with her about being like her mother & they're on speaking terms now - although rather strained.

ETA: I just remembered one of my sister's rare moments of honesty about herself. A friend of ours was visiting. My sister was describing how our mother treated our father. She said, "I watched my mother be selfish, greedy, ungrateful & abusive to our father for years; is it any wonder that I don't respect men?" I nearly fell off my chair.
 
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Aunt Bea said:
I didn't mean to ditch her I just meant to leave her alone.

People only have a certain amount of time and they always find the time to do what is important to them.

Some people in their lives are on the A list and some are on the B list, I've spent most of my life on the B list and I'm OK with that. :):playful::eek:nthego:
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Bea and Maple, in my poor mind, the two words have the same connotation. Maple, I'm sorry that I might have misguided you. Thanks, AB
 
You are ONLY an aunt and are probably leaning on her too much, and you sound needy in my estimation. Yes that may sound harsh, but I had plenty of in-laws I had no time for. It's not that I didn't like them. It was just that I was living MY life and they were living theirs. I hope I'm not offending.
 
Same niece as this one?

maplebeez said:
Just returned from my aunt's funeral & was saddened to learn my niece, who auntie always generously remembered at the holidays, on birthdays & other important occasions, never posted a condolence on the funeral home's website.
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'with her busy schedule she wasn't able to set a date'

If she's the same one, why would she?

'What's an Aunt to do?'

Get a clue and a life..... and let her have what's left of hers


Lines are open

Next caller, please

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I remember back when I was working full time and raising a family (that's TWO full time jobs, BTW), and I really DIDN'T have time for much else -- actually, I sometimes felt like I didn't even have time to go to the bathroom. When a bit of time would be available, my husband and I would plan something for just us.

I agree with those above -- let it go and leave her alone. She really doesn't owe you anything just because you are her aunt.
 
maplebeez said:
I have had a close relationship with my niece since the day she was born. But today I'm ticked off because she's still declining my dinner invitations, insisting that with working full-time, caring for her baby & her household chores, it's too hard for them to come for dinner. Yet she & her husband make weekend plans with their friends & take time off work for long-weekend trips, with the baby, to visit college friends. I last heard from her weeks ago, when she said, we have to get together, because they still have my Christmas gift (I made sure she, her husband & the baby got their gifts) but with her busy schedule she wasn't able to set a date. Yesterday I tried inviting again inviting them to my home for dinner some weekend this summer & she sends me a text saying their summer weekends are booked up until after Labor Day! I've only seen the baby twice since he was born eight months ago. Her repeated excuses upset me (they don't seem to bother her Dad) & I know this wouldn't be happening if her mother was still alive. What's an Aunt to do?
Click to expand...
I would just accept it the way it is and be done with it. She will have you over when she is ready. No use to get yourself so upset about it. She must feel the way she does for good reasons. I am an Aunt too and understand things happen.
 
A friend reminded me, if my niece cut me out of her life, to avoid being reminded of our sad, shared, family memories & she believes associating only with her new family & younger friends will prevent her from experiencing further tragedies ...........She's Wrong. Time to go out & enjoy this beautiful day!
 
maplebeez---i have a daughter that lives right next to me that hasnt spoken to me in over 2 years----she did wish me a happy mothers day on facebook
 
twinkles said:
maplebeez---i have a daughter that lives right next to me that hasnt spoken to me in over 2 years----she did wish me a happy mothers day on facebook
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What is wrong with these "kids"??? I don't understand why they have this attitude towards us.

My son that hates me (he's 45...going on 12) because he's making all kinds of assumptions about decisions he thinks I made when he was a kid. Many of them, I had no control over and a lot of things he's got it in his head are all wrong. He won't listen to any explanations. He doesn't know all the facts about why things happened the way they did, but he'd rather blame me for all of it and cut me out of his life.

It's been a tough pill to swallow, but I had to accept the fact that he doesn't want to know the truth and just leave him alone.

I don't mean to be unkind, maplebeez, but you're only her aunt and it sounds like you're making a pest of yourself. Maybe, later on, you'll be able to talk to her, but for now...let her be.
 

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