Adult Niece's Unacceptable Behavior

maplebeez said:
But today I'm ticked off because she's still declining my dinner invitations, insisting that with working full-time, caring for her baby & her household chores, it's too hard for them to come for dinner. Yet she & her husband make weekend plans with their friends & take time off work for long-weekend trips, with the baby, to visit college friends.

I last heard from her weeks ago, when she said, we have to get together, because they still have my Christmas gift (I made sure she, her husband & the baby got their gifts) but with her busy schedule she wasn't able to set a date.

I've only seen the baby twice since he was born eight months ago. Her repeated excuses upset me (they don't seem to bother her Dad) & I know this wouldn't be happening if her mother was still alive. What's an Aunt to do?
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There's just so many hours in the day, and working a full time job, caring for her baby and husband, doing chores and running errands leave little quality time for her to spend with her husband. They need to do things they can enjoy together, meeting with mutual friends their own age and spending time alone with each other. When she took her marriage vows, her main priority became her husband and children.

Repeatedly asking (or insisting) that she come to your home for dinner, which usually takes at least a half day if not more, will just cause her to resent you. I would stop asking and just leave an 'open invitation' for her to let you know when it's good for them to visit you. She did mention you should get together, so that's a positive thing, she's not saying don't talk to me, leave me alone, I want nothing to do with you.

Once I left home and married, I didn't spend very much time at all with my relatives, in fact I moved out of state. Lots of young people do this, they begin to lead their own lives and it can be very busy with work and their family.

It's not right that she hasn't given you your Christmas gift yet though, maybe you can just suggest your dropping over to her place for an hour or two to get the gift and see the baby. In my opinion, you shouldn't take this too personally, she's not being mean or hateful toward you, like others have said here, she's just prioritizing the little time she has for their social life with each other and their friends. Things sound pretty normal to me, sorry you feel hurt, but you shouldn't focus too much on it.
 
I think everybody is right. And if this niece or any family really wants to be 'in' with the family they would show it beyond formal family events like holidays, birthdays, weddings, dinner invites etc. It's those visits, calls and/or assistance without an invitation or an existing reason. The in between time.

Too busy very well possible. I know I've had jobs where I had to turn down overtime because it was 'demanded' I attend a family function. My thing was there was part of the family that didn't understand that people had to work, nights, weekends, holidays etc. I've had other jobs I just said to heck with it this is what I'm doing. I've had a parent who made social arrangements/promises they had no business doing after I had plans but see people assume since someone's social calendar isn't announced or they don't talk about it they have nothing to do. Most events in one's daily life or career are not worthy of a formal announcement unless someone makes it that way. In one's old age you really get to see who attended out of obligation or gives a frack simply by the way they talk behind someone's back wether it's tone or comments. I've also seen fellow seniors basically left alone by their kids and relatives after a certain point and that says something about them or the family.

Eh, don't over think it. Everyone goes through periods where family activity is a royal pain time killer.
 

Since this is ongoing and you're displeased with your niece, there's negativity on both sides. Conflict is hardly ever one sided. All you can do is work on your side. That's what counseling is for, really--not for two people to work on a problem together so much as it is for one person to own "one's stuff" and adjust behavior accordingly. And even if you work on yourself and change your negatives, that's no guarantee that she'll respond positively. Regardless, I'd see a counselor if I were you. It will help you not only work on your negative traits and the reasons for them (and we all have this!!!), but will also help you grieve family stuff that goes beyond your niece.
 
Funny this a niece mentioned. Here the problem child of the family got mad at his aunt & uncle with whom most of his regular contact was holiday dinners for not throwing a pity party/being more sympathetic after he was laid off. First off he had 18 months notice, a 5 figure severance package and numerous other job and business opportunities which took half heartedly. He didn't have a house/mortgage or 8 children yet identified with the homeless and those who lost a house with 6 kids. They also knew he screwed his parents on a 5 figure loan. They saw right through his crap. Any way he holds it against them for not offering financial assistance or contacting him on a regular basis offering anything beyond approaching family events.

So all the of the sudden in need of money the entire family regardless of the actual relationship is supposed to hold out dollar bills for the taking?

Again I just think the person here in the op is extremely busy and preoccupied. They are ASSuming family will always be there and taking them for granted might come back to hurt them one day. But that's on them.
 
Maybe millennials like my niece accept that "busy lives" excuse when they don't respond to texts or answer phone messages. But I find that behavior rude. Unfortunately she'll learn there are consequences to taking family members for granted, when we don't respond to her child's birthday party invitation & don't show up with gifts, checks or gift cards. Her dad can take my gift to that party.
 
It's odd that your first impulse is to punish the people you claim to care about when you don't get your way.

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I sincerely hope that you find the happiness you are looking for.
 
Pepper said:
Starting to understand your niece's attitude. Why don't you threaten to cut her out of your will? Maybe that will force her to pay the homage and respect you demand.
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Food For Thought - "Demanding Respect:" The only people who demand respect are those who are not entitled to it. Respect is earned, & if someone demands it, it's because they know they haven't earned it.
 
Where/who does this niece get her baby sitting and daycare from? Surprised you and others aren't on her to do list just for those reasons alone. It must not be an issue. They might regret it one day but it's their loss not yours.
 
During the work week, the baby goes to daycare & some weekends her M-I-L babysits. And to those posters telling me I'm angry because I want to control my niece's life; she's the one who decided, for whatever reasons to cut family members out of her life, even the cousins she grew up with. And as sad & puzzling as this situation is, we agree..... the ball is in her court. Amen.
 
WhatInThe said:
Where/who does this niece get her baby sitting and daycare from? Surprised you and others aren't on her to do list just for those reasons alone. It must not be an issue. They might regret it one day but it's their loss not yours.
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Apparently the niece isn't asking them for a damn thing, so I don't see the problem. The niece is entitled to live her life her own way, no matter who thinks otherwise.
 
I agree with C'est Moi. Let her live her life as she feels fit without pressure from her aunt...or anyone else.

It took me a long time years ago when we lived in PA and my son and girlfriend lived 30 miles away to get the point that they had no intentions of coming over for Sunday dinners or doing any Holidays with us. I struggled with this for so long until after we moved to AZ when he told me that they didn't feel "comfortable" with us and didn't want to come over. That hurt...A LOT! He never said a word what was bothering him when we lived in PA but felt the need to express his feelings after we left.

There's a lot more to this situation, but I'm not going into it because this isn't my post. My point is....maybe the niece has similar feelings but she doesn't want to hurt her aunt by saying anything. Sometimes silence says more than words.

I'm 72 and still learning.
 
Colleen said:
I agree with C'est Moi. Let her live her life as she feels fit without pressure from her aunt...or anyone else.

It took me a long time years ago when we lived in PA and my son and girlfriend lived 30 miles away to get the point that they had no intentions of coming over for Sunday dinners or doing any Holidays with us. I struggled with this for so long until after we moved to AZ when he told me that they didn't feel "comfortable" with us and didn't want to come over. That hurt...A LOT! He never said a word what was bothering him when we lived in PA but felt the need to express his feelings after we left.

There's a lot more to this situation, but I'm not going into it because this isn't my post. My point is....maybe the niece has similar feelings but she doesn't want to hurt her aunt by saying anything. Sometimes silence says more than words.

I'm 72 and still learning.
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That's the thing. People literally grow apart. Distance and time affect relationships. As do long suppressed never dealt with issues. Even if it's just acknowledging something about a person. Have aunt's/uncles that took decades to accept the fact their daughter liked girls-the aunt in particular always introduced the partner as a friend of the family. Now their buds over their daughter's objections. Poop happens, people change.

That same aunt/uncle are very traditional and by the book on other issues as well. And one is still paying for it to this very day. Still get's perturbed that others don't do it their way or by the book. It's not about someone doing it differently they are very condescending. That being said their children caused the parents alot of consternation beyond things like the cost of college.

Frequently sadly things don't play out they way they used to decades ago that's why each generation gets a label now.
 
There is a definite reason why your niece is avoiding you. When her every weekend is booked until 2135, there is a problem. Your only recourse is to talk to her about why she is avoiding you. You may not have as "close" a relationship, as you feel.
 
fuzzybuddy said:
There is a definite reason why your niece is avoiding you. When her every weekend is booked until 2135, there is a problem. Your only recourse is to talk to her about why she is avoiding you. You may not have as "close" a relationship, as you feel.
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AMEN! I always thought I had a "close" relationship with my now estranged son. That was in my mind...not his. He harbors resentments and false beliefs but refuses to talk to me about them. I never knew those feels of his even existed until last year...and he's 45 years old! He's let those feelings fester for a long time.

Maybe her niece has some issues with her that Maplebeez is not aware of and her niece would rather avoid her and doesn't want to either deal with them (or Maplebeez) or she doesn't want to make waves. That's what my son did. He stayed away, for the most part, and didn't have any contact with me for years at a time. I couldn't figure out why because we had been "so close" in the past.

If I were Maplebeez, I'd just let her be. Don't take it out on the kids, if you've been close to them (maybe not????).
 
What's an aunt to do? Stop inviting her to dinner! You are putting yourself in a position to be hurt and her in a position to have to make excuses. It's sad that you are being treated like this but continuing to extend invitations is obviously not changing anything.
 
Gary O' said:
Same niece as this one?




'with her busy schedule she wasn't able to set a date'

If she's the same one, why would she?

'What's an Aunt to do?'

Get a clue and a life..... and let her have what's left of hers


Lines are open

Next caller, please

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Gary O...you are something else! I always enjoy your memes in which you so artfully insert yourself. LOL :D
 

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