Forgiveness!

[Repondering]

Repondering, I am so sorry you carry the dysfunction of your family. I still carry it myself, although the load is smaller than it was. I wear a covered elastic band on my wrist, when dealing with recurring negative thoughts or feelings, I snap it. Not a cure, but jolts me out of it for now.

What a clever and practical idea, Shalimar! Thank you for sharing it! I had considered a comparable treatment....fill a vase with small stones and remove one whenever one of those recurring thoughts or feelings emerges again, then vigorously throw it off my deck. Another therapeutic tactic that's occurred to me is methodically etch with wax and muriatic acid a brief message to my father on a thick slab of glass.....taking my time to carefully create an artifact that will exist basically forever, all the while telling myself that I'm healing over the scabs and scars of his insults as I make an aesthetically appealing object (albeit with some angry words). And then bury it in the soil of his grave....ritually ending the legacy of his emotional abuse.
Will that fix everything within myself? Probably not, anymore than snapping an elastic band on my wrist would do so. But it IS a step in one's therapy. Perhaps eventually we'll notice that we've passed through the shaded zone and we'll look back to see where we used to be and then congratulate ourselves, perhaps indulge in a celebratory reward before moving on into the light.
BTW Shalimar, I'm appreciative of your several replies to my posts.

 

[Keesha]

Changed my mind to share

 

[JimW]

I used to feel unfounded guilt whenever a rift would happen with my parents. I was always second guessing myself with them because they raised me to believe I was always at fault. Best thing I ever did for myself was cut all ties with them. The last 18+ years have been the least stressful of my life.

As I have gotten older I've found forgiveness to be overrated. Most people never change and will repeat their mistakes/hurts against you. Very few people are truly sincere when they apologize. I don't usually hold grudges, I simply stop caring.

 

[win231]

I too used to feel unfounded guilt whenever a rift would happen with my parents. I was always second guessing myself with them because they raised me to believe I was always at fault. Best thing I ever did for myself was cut all ties with them. The last 18+ years have been the least stressful of my life.

As I have gotten older I've found forgiveness to be overrated. Most people never change and will repeat their mistakes/hurts against you. Very few people are truly sincere when they apologize. I don't usually hold grudges, I simply stop caring.

So true!

 

[Judycat]

Sometimes for ones own mental health it's better to avoid those who clearly make you miserable. I don't think people change either. It's a nice sentiment though. Ah put it on a greeting card.

 

[treeguy64]

I don't deal with forgiveness. I simply move on, knowing to not make the mistake of trusting the offending party, ever again. Forgiveness is a nice concept, but I seriously doubt that it really exists, when it comes to feeling 100% as positive about a given individual as you did before he/she dealt you the dirt that necessitated the forgiveness, in the first place. Move on, keep singing.......

 

[Keesha]

I think I forgive and trust again too easily.

 

[norman]

I am sure I have a few (like ex-wife) ✌ and most of all I forgive myself, damn feel like I am at confession and need to do 10 Hail Mary's.

 

[jerry old]

A hard topic, 'way hard.'
question, when you forgive, are you then wary of that individual. Yes, you are ordered to forgive 70x70, but still I find myself very
cautious in any involvement of those that have wronged me.

 

[jerry old]

I've forgiven and let go of some grudges and I've asked for forgiveness and tried to atone for my own wrongdoings to some people.....and then been generously granted their forgiveness and rewarded with their goodwill.

But one person I still have been unable to make peace with is my father. He's been dead for almost 18 years now and I still think about him every day. I was 48 years old when he died and he expressed contempt and dislike for me the whole time, right up to the day before he died. I was stupid, deficient and immature, so he told me......thousands of times. Meanwhile he left my mood disordered, bi-polar mother in my care.
Sigmund F. would have readily identified the dynamics of our family.
Only myself and a brother are left of the original five and he walked away years ago, never looking back. My journey isn't over but I'm still burdened by memories that cling like a shadow dragging behind me.

 

[win231]

Forgiving someone may be OK in some circumstances - if it makes you feel better. Trusting them again is foolish.

 

[Gary O']

Forgiving someone may be OK in some circumstances - if it makes you feel better. Trusting them again is foolish

That's a big statement
And has a lot of truth to it
Forgiveness has little to do with trust

I don't deal with forgiveness. I simply move on, knowing to not make the mistake of trusting the offending party, ever again. Forgiveness is a nice concept, but I seriously doubt that it really exists, when it comes to feeling 100% as positive about a given individual as you did before he/she dealt you the dirt that necessitated the forgiveness, in the first place. Move on, keep singing.......

It gets too complex when mixing forgiveness with trusting...and forgetting

For me, forgiveness is, 'hey, it's OK, we both learned something here'

Forgiveness is not holding, harboring
It's a learning experience

Forgiveness simply sez, nothing owed
That's all

It's not some saintly thing

It's, in many ways, self preservation
Not belaboring someone's fault

Trust?

Forget?

That's some sorta blind idiocy

Nothing learned

A patsy for next time

Forgiveness is lightening the load that needn't be there in the first place

As TG sez...simply move on

 

[Capt Lightning]

Forgiving someone without them showing genuine remorse is simply letting them get away with it. Some things I will never forgive.

 

[911]

Kesha———I wasn’t sure whether to post on this question or not. You call it a character trait for you, but for me, it’s a character flaw. I have never been one to forgive easily, if my trust or my friendship was betrayed. Back stabbers and others that try to use me or manipulate me may end up on the short end of that deal.

 

[StarSong]

Forgiveness in the literal meaning: fore give ness? As in giving it back the way it was before? Before the hurt was done? That's tough to do.

When the person is truly remorseful, owns the action, and won't repeat the behavior, yes. Otherwise I remain wary. Once bitten twice shy.

All that said, it's harder for me to forgive myself than to forgive others.

 

[Shalimar]

What a clever and practical idea, Shalimar! Thank you for sharing it! I had considered a comparable treatment....fill a vase with small stones and remove one whenever one of those recurring thoughts or feelings emerges again, then vigorously throw it off my deck. Another therapeutic tactic that's occurred to me is methodically etch with wax and muriatic acid a brief message to my father on a thick slab of glass.....taking my time to carefully create an artifact that will exist basically forever, all the while telling myself that I'm healing over the scabs and scars of his insults as I make an aesthetically appealing object (albeit with some angry words). And then bury it in the soil of his grave....ritually ending the legacy of his emotional abuse.
Will that fix everything within myself? Probably not, anymore than snapping an elastic band on my wrist would do so. But it IS a step in one's therapy. Perhaps eventually we'll notice that we've passed through the shaded zone and we'll look back to see where we used to be and then congratulate ourselves, perhaps indulge in a celebratory reward before moving on into the light.
BTW Shalimar, I'm appreciative of your several replies to my posts.

You are most welcome Repondering. Your ideas have merit. Very powerful totems, indeed. I shall give some thought to creating my own rituals of healing. It is good when those of us who, as children, were forcefed other’s emotional poison, dig deep and take back our power, one painful step at a time. You are not alone. I believe in the chain of hands, as we walk our separate paths together. Compassion heals, love transforms.

 

[GeorgiaXplant]

Forgive, hell! Gonna wear grudges like a badge and be sour and hateful and meaner than a snake! There are way too many folks who do exactly that, but I'm not one of them. I can forgive but not forget. I just walk away and don't look back...unless the instigator sincerely apologizes and earns my trust and respect again. It's happened. Not often.

 

[Keesha]

Yes 911, and in hindsight I don’t know that what I was doing was really forgiveness.
I think what I was doing was being more in the category of denial. Denial , where I just shoved it down deep enough to try and forget it ever happened. The problem with this is that eventually it comes bubbling up to the surface to be healed.

If it was true forgiveness, there would be nothing bubbling to the surface as it would have been forgiven. I’m wondering if it was a survival strategy that I just did without quite knowing why because when I look over the average answer and compare it to mine, I appear to be a total pushover and I wonder why I do this.

It’s like suddenly seeing a part of myself I stuffed away and denied and now having to deal with it. It’s not a part I want to look at for long so most likely I’ll distract myself in a major project and hope I forget about it.

Some of life can be so painfully raw and come at you so fast that you don’t have time to process it. Sometimes I wish I could UN - know things I now do know , but that’s not reality.

I’m realizing it wasn’t forgiveness I was practising but something else.

 

[Ruthanne]

How important if forgiveness to you and are you able to forgive completely?

Is there anything you’d walk away from?

Is forgiving too easily and too often perceived as being a ‘push over?’


There were things I thought I'd never forgive but have--took me a long time to do it but that's okay. I would never trust these people again yet I forgive and it sets me free from the angst I had about them. Forgiveness has become an important thing to me when years ago it was not because I was so very angry.

Not sure what you mean by "Is there anything you'd walk away from?" So I'll skip that.

People who think you are a pushover for forgiving have a problem and not the forgiver.

Forgiveness has helped me see things differently and opened new doors for me.

 

[Keesha]

There were things I thought I'd never forgive but have--took me a long time to do it but that's okay. I would never trust these people again

Not sure what you mean by "Is there anything you'd walk away from?" So I'll skip that one.

That’s what most people said. “I’ll forgive but I won’t ever trust them again.” That’s where I went wrong time and time again. I’d let them betray me over and over again which was perceived as being ok.

Not trusting them again is like walking away.
If you can’t trust them then where do they fit into your life?

And there are some situations where we don’t have the opportunity to walk away even if we wanted to so we learn ways of adapting.

 

[Shalimar]

Forgive, yes, enable, no. When I was in a toxic relationship( with family) where the same patterns replayed endlessly, I finally folded my tent and walked away. Ultimately, there was nothing else to do but exit quietly, sad when those who are supposed to value us most, do not.

 

[Keesha]

Forgive, yes, enable, no. When I was in a toxic relationship( with family) where the same patterns replayed endlessly, I finally folded my tent and walked away. Ultimately, there was nothing else to do but exit quietly, sad when those who are supposed to value us most, do not.

Yes. I’ve been an enabler. A foolish one at that.
I’m disappointed in myself more than anyone.
That’s the ‘walking away’ I was referring to.

 

[Keesha]

Forgive, yes, enable, no. When I was in a toxic relationship( with family) where the same patterns replayed endlessly, I finally folded my tent and walked away. Ultimately, there was nothing else to do but exit quietly, sad when those who are supposed to value us most, do not.

And more importantly WHY do I enable?
What’s the pay off?
Do I expect them to change?
Is it another form of denial or not addressing the situation properly?
A lack of self worth?
Hoping for different?

I know I should know but I’m not sure I do.

 

[Gary O']

Looks like a large percentage of folks tend to couple forgiveness with forgetfulness...and trust
Those are not related
Maybe the old saying 'forgive and forget' has some influence

Heh, ever try real hard to forget something?
Can't
Doesn't happen
...and you shouldn't

Trust? After a wrong?
Are....you....freaking....kidding?

No, forgiveness is easy
And it's automatic with me

I got other things to carry
...and my load is light

 

[JimW]

Forgive, yes, enable, no. When I was in a toxic relationship( with family) where the same patterns replayed endlessly, I finally folded my tent and walked away. Ultimately, there was nothing else to do but exit quietly, sad when those who are supposed to value us most, do not.

That's my story in a nutshell as well Shalimar. Walking away was my only option for my sanity.