We can still comment on a post regardless of whether or not that person is still here. I like to get into older threads & drag up something new to talk about besides COVID & racism.
My Dad Stalks me Online
- Thread starter ronk
- Start date
RadishRose
SF VIP
- Location
- Connecticut, USA
I'm so sorry about your ordeal, @Treacle.Many know on this Forum that my father killed my mother leaving 5 children youngest 6 months. He did nothing for his 'kids'. He remained selfish , a 'user' , manipulative and violent. When he died nobody went to the cremation and the clerk scattered the ashes somewhere. He was my father and I felt in conflict because he was my father and I believe I have a kind heart and want to be kind to people. But, here's why I'm writing this Ronk. One can either accept the person for who they are but feel the hurt everytime you encounter that person, in whatever shape or form that might be, or you can say I can't keep revisiting that hurt, I have done my best, I have a right to a life without pain and trauma and my life is just as important as his. From what you have written I just feel that you are still hoping that your father will be the type of father you always wanted and/or perhaps show some contrition for past events. I could be wrong. But I spent years hoping I would have a father that I thought a father should be. It never happened. You can walk away. So here's the thing, do you want your father in your life and all that that entails or can you leave it behind so that you have some peace. Of course the other option could be to leave it alone for a period of time until you feel that you are on top of your emotions etc. Just some thoughts Ronk. I wish you all the best.
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
I hope Ron is doing well and just stopped visiting here. I was just wondering why anyone who joins any web site uses a name people would recognize who you are. I would tell my close friends privately what name I was using and not accept anyone
I didn't want to accept.
I didn't want to accept.
Treacle
Senior Member
- Location
- Swindon Wiltshire UK
Thank you RadishRose. There are so many people who have had difficult lives. A lot of people who have suffered are the same people who want to help others.I'm so sorry about your ordeal, @Treacle.
Treacle
Senior Member
- Location
- Swindon Wiltshire UK
Thank you Pepper. There are lot's of children throughout the world who are living or have lived traumatic lives. We can only hope that life will be better for them someday. It is often the innocent ones' who pay the price for those who are supposed to take care of us. But we can survive whatever the circumstances.
Aneeda72
Well-known Member
I agree with what you are doing. My mother does not do email etc so I take her calls. I didn't for a while (She said some really horrific things that I need to recover from) but that just made her call more and leave messages that something was wrong with my phone.
At her age, I just listen, agree to whatever, and then the conversation is over. You never stop wishing for more, but you finally realize they are incapable of providing anything close to what you want.
It's difficult to explain anything to the folks cuz they don't understand or think I'm crazy. I get tired of all the difficulty of it all. I get tired of being argued with and always being wrong. I can't always be wrong about everything 100% of the time. Especially when it pertains to my life & how I live it. The minute I disagree with them I'm a PITA. After a while I get tired of taking it on the chin.I agree with what you are doing. My mother does not do email etc so I take her calls. I didn't for a while (She said some really horrific things that I need to recover from) but that just made her call more and leave messages that something was wrong with my phone.
At her age, I just listen, agree to whatever, and then the conversation is over. You never stop wishing for more, but you finally realize they are incapable of providing anything close to what you want.
JaniceM
Well-known Member
- Location
- still lost between two shores..
During my mother's later years, I was kinda grateful that I didn't have a phone.I agree with what you are doing. My mother does not do email etc so I take her calls. I didn't for a while (She said some really horrific things that I need to recover from) but that just made her call more and leave messages that something was wrong with my phone.
At her age, I just listen, agree to whatever, and then the conversation is over. You never stop wishing for more, but you finally realize they are incapable of providing anything close to what you want.
Re: what you said about finally realizing- seems that's what it takes to reclaim our own lives, by acknowledging at least to ourselves that nothing we can do can change them and they'd never be the parents they should have been.
Aneeda72
Well-known Member
Unless you are talking to another adult who was abused as a child, most people just can’t understand. We don’t want to become abusers. Our parents are in denial, most of the time, about what they did, therefore, they don’t understand the harm they did or our deep dislike of them.
The older they get, the more they need us, the less understanding they have of how painful and destructive those contacts between us are. Because they don’t understand, we are compelled to be as decent as possible to them. It’s a terrible situation for everyone to be in.
hollydolly
SF VIP
- Location
- London England
Absolutely agree Treacle... and I have documented my abusive childhood on here ( well more pedantically on the forum before this one).. so, many people who have been on this forum for as long as me already know, but I agree with everything you say, and as in your first response to the OP.. I did that very thing you suggested and walked away mentally and physically from my father the abuser who was the cause of my mothers death also, and my many , many beatings.. he didn't have anyone at his cremation either ...but I felt a huge sense of relief when he died to know that he was no longer in the world to hurt any other person least of all small children and women as he did...Thank you Pepper. There are lot's of children throughout the world who are living or have lived traumatic lives. We can only hope that life will be better for them someday. It is often the innocent ones' who pay the price for those who are supposed to take care of us. But we can survive whatever the circumstances.
When my folks were younger...my mother was verbally abused by my dad's mom all the time. We went to visit her in the nursing home & I helped grandma in the bathroom. Mom stated she didn't know how I could do that as crappy as grandma was to all of us.
I told her to take a good look at her. I said that woman is no longer grandma. She's a shell who has no idea who the hell we are or what she's done to us over the years. That's why.
Judycat
Well-known Member
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Family are the worst for tying your psyche in a knot. It's because they think they know you better than you know yourself. Of course they don't.
There's nothing wrong with little or no contact if these people keep loading on the guilt. They wouldn't like it if the tables were turned now would they?
There's nothing wrong with little or no contact if these people keep loading on the guilt. They wouldn't like it if the tables were turned now would they?
@Treacle, I admire you for your very wise and thoughtful post. I'm so sorry to hear about what your father did, my condolences for the loss of your dear mother...hugs.Many know on this Forum that my father killed my mother leaving 5 children youngest 6 months. He did nothing for his 'kids'. He remained selfish , a 'user' , manipulative and violent. When he died nobody went to the cremation and the clerk scattered the ashes somewhere. He was my father and I felt in conflict because he was my father and I believe I have a kind heart and want to be kind to people. But, here's why I'm writing this Ronk. One can either accept the person for who they are but feel the hurt everytime you encounter that person, in whatever shape or form that might be, or you can say I can't keep revisiting that hurt, I have done my best, I have a right to a life without pain and trauma and my life is just as important as his. From what you have written I just feel that you are still hoping that your father will be the type of father you always wanted and/or perhaps show some contrition for past events. I could be wrong. But I spent years hoping I would have a father that I thought a father should be. It never happened. You can walk away. So here's the thing, do you want your father in your life and all that that entails or can you leave it behind so that you have some peace. Of course the other option could be to leave it alone for a period of time until you feel that you are on top of your emotions etc. Just some thoughts Ronk. I wish you all the best.
That's exactly right Judy. After 54 yrs of putting up with it...I finally got mad & made the decision that I'd had enough.
JaniceM
Well-known Member
- Location
- still lost between two shores..
I tolerated them for 41 years, left, and never saw either of them again.
It didn't stop her constant flurry of letters, but I think they finally grasped I was not coming back.
I don't think Dad realized he was upsetting me. He emailed & asked why I shut my acct down. I just told him I was sick of FB. I told him I'd email him once a day. If they needed to they could call. It pretty much came to a head one day when a co-worker wanted to know who the rude guy was on my FB page. I had to explain that he was my father & despite loving me he can be a real jerk. *Rolls Eyes*
I started emailing him the first couple days to see how that would go. It went ok so I shut FB down. This seems to have been a good solution because there's nothing in email to set this stuff off. I send him a funny or a pic I made on Face in hole. LOL
Aneeda72
Well-known Member
Yeah, after what she said to me, I left and told her I’d never see her again. I feel bad about it sometimes, but not bad enough to ever see her. I had my son go see her when he was in her area last year. He said she seemed lonely. Sad, but not enough to cause me to visit.
Last time I saw my dad I was 19. Always wished I could have seen him more, but not possible.
Pecos
Well-known Member
- Location
- Washington State
I was lucky in dealing with my alcoholic abusive parents by joining the Navy at 17 and basically telling them to kiss off. When I was 22 my two younger half-brothers (15 & 17) decided that they had enough and came to live with me in San Pablo CA. I was able to get my parents to pay a small amount of child support for the younger one as well as getting the health insurance paperwork that I needed. They would not help at all with the older one. A few years later my 14 year old sister came to live with me in Hawaii under a Court Order with more realistic child support.
I feel bad for the women who have gone through this as the options available to me in 1960 were not available to them. It also helped that at 16, I decided to put an end to the physical abuse and proceeded to crack a few of my step father's ribs. The older of my two brothers had to do the same thing. Regrettably, this is another option that women don't have.
One of the great mysteries of my life is why I put any effort into trying to build a relationship with them later, but I did and so did my brothers and sister. At some point I had very little to do with them. There is a lot of "wishful" thinking in these situations and when they pass, we mourn for what "should have been."
I feel bad for the women who have gone through this as the options available to me in 1960 were not available to them. It also helped that at 16, I decided to put an end to the physical abuse and proceeded to crack a few of my step father's ribs. The older of my two brothers had to do the same thing. Regrettably, this is another option that women don't have.
One of the great mysteries of my life is why I put any effort into trying to build a relationship with them later, but I did and so did my brothers and sister. At some point I had very little to do with them. There is a lot of "wishful" thinking in these situations and when they pass, we mourn for what "should have been."
Aneeda72
Well-known Member
I think we grieve our entire lives whether we remain in contact with them or not. When they die, we definitely mourn for them and ourselves as the hope we carried forever, of achieving even a fraction of the love, respect, and caring relationship we longed for is gone.
Treacle
Senior Member
- Location
- Swindon Wiltshire UK
Thank you SeaBreeze. My Austrian brother (his and our mother, not his father) passed away last September and I hope he is now with her@Treacle, I admire you for your very wise and thoughtful post. I'm so sorry to hear about what your father did, my condolences for the loss of your dear mother...hugs.
There are so many children who have gone through such traumatic times and still do, but perhaps one aspect of healing is finding the love , care and kindness from others and I have certainly found that in this Forum. So thank you all.
JaniceM
Well-known Member
- Location
- still lost between two shores..
I don't like adding something negative to positive topics, but what gets me is when individuals say "EVERYBODY" misses their mothers/fathers/parents, or "WE ALL" do, etc. because it can cause some of us to really feel left out.Thank you SeaBreeze. My Austrian brother (his and our mother, not his father) passed away last September and I hope he is now with her
There are so many children who have gone through such traumatic times and still do, but perhaps one aspect of healing is finding the love , care and kindness from others and I have certainly found that in this Forum. So thank you all.
I thought of posting this, but my topics tend to get few if any replies:
First, find a creative outlet- some kind of art, music, writing, etc., and "let it all hang out."
Then, if you want to, share it with other people. It can help others as well as oneself.
Treacle
Senior Member
- Location
- Swindon Wiltshire UK
JaniceM
Well-known Member
- Location
- still lost between two shores..
She was a very beautiful young lady!!Hope you don't mind but just wanted to share a photo of my Austrian mother when she was younger. She is always looking after me even though her physical presence is not here. (That's my belief) .
So pretty, Treacle.Hope you don't mind but just wanted to share a photo of my Austrian mother when she was younger. She is always looking after me even though her physical presence is not here. (That's my belief) .
Aneeda72
Well-known Member
I try very hard to NOT say everyone or all of us or similar sayings, if I have I apologize. My father moved on when I was 17, when I was 18 he was married and had replacements for myself and my brother.
A few years later, he had a new family with 3 girls, 1 boy. Before me, two other marriages 1 girl each. So 5 marriages, 10 children, and there may have been more. I never missed him. I don’t miss seeing my mother, but I feel guilty for not doing so.