Conversations with my husband, yes, he really says stuff like this, and my various mishaps

Treacle said:
@Aneeda72
I have lived with someone for 15years. It has not been an easy realationship because of his temper/anger etc. He was sent to boarding school and I think he felt rejected by his mother who attempted to make up for it in later life but when she met me she said 'I thought I'd handed him over to you' (He was 43 plus then). I think she hoped he would eventually make something of his life. There is Alzheimers in the family, his uncle and mother had the 'disease'. He has mood changes and I report back to my friend to let her know that we are in 'normal' phase or I will phone her if he goes into one of his 'outbursts' which would not make any sense to others. My friend is my monitor in case something seriously goes wrong. I am stuck financially, but there is a part of me that does actually care for him despite what he has done to me. It is his house and,he often tells me he wants me to go and when I say i'm going he doesn't like it. I have developed a coping strategy by staying out of his way when he's 'in one'. I believe the Alzheimers is starting to show itself. He does forget things ( we all do that) but the mood swings are greater, decision making fluctuates, he says one thing and then changes him mind and then changes again. He also says I have said things to him which I clearly did not. The point is Aneeda look to yourself to find a strategy to cope. I hope I am not seeming unconnected emotionally , but I think I am dealing with something similar and I would say in my case it is the start of Alzheimers / Dementia'. Try to find a way YOU can cope - it's not easy. 🤗 Don't know if I'm making sense. :unsure: Bless you and Take good care of Yourself.
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You are making sense to me, seems we might be in the same place emotionally. 🤗 Thanks for sharing. Both his grandparents on his mother’s side had Alzheimer’s. His MRI showed brain shrinkage. I, too, despite what the doctors say realize it’s some kind of dementia coupled with PTSD and childhood trauma.

Unless he really looses it I am physically safe, but the emotional abuse is hard, and I am no shrinking violet. I can give back which I am always ashamed of doing. Lately, I’ve started asking him if he would like me to start at days one and work by way forward with what I think of HIS behaviors. Trying to clean up my responses to his crap.

No, he says.

While I never start things, when provoked, I get very ugly. I am getting better at not being this way. It is not productive, and I apologize. He never apologizes, after all being right all the time means you never have to apologize cause you have nothing to apologize for.
 

Aneeda72 said:
You are making sense to me, seems we might be in the same place emotionally. 🤗 Thanks for sharing. Both his grandparents on his mother’s side had Alzheimer’s. His MRI showed brain shrinkage. I, too, despite what the doctors say realize it’s some kind of dementia coupled with PTSD and childhood trauma.

Unless he really looses it I am physically safe, but the emotional abuse is hard, and I am no shrinking violet. I can give back which I am always ashamed of doing. Lately, I’ve started asking him if he would like me to start at days one and work by way forward with what I think of HIS behaviors. Trying to clean up my responses to his crap.

No, he says.

While I never start things, when provoked, I get very ugly. I am getting better at not being this way. It is not productive, and I apologize. He never apologizes, after all being right all the time means you never have to apologize cause you have nothing to apologize for.
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With you @Aneeda72 - he will never apologise 'cos he believes he is right- never ever heard a sorry/or an apology. I've also had abuse in various forms and friends have worried. For me I am convinced , apart from his background, childhood trauma, fall when he was 21 and very drunk , causing him to be unconscious ( but no brain scan done), he is now suffering from the onset of 'dementia' or Alzheimers. Sometimes their behaviour make us 'ugly' Fortunately I have a few friends who know me from the past and know that is not my way and I am dealing in difficult circumstances, but Aneeda don't know if this might sound stupid but I've had a difficult past and what I choose to believe is that 'the external force |(some say God) puts us in a position for a reason despite how difficult it is for us to understand. But from that we move forward. Just saying. ☺ Take good care
 
Aneeda, without quoting various things you've said, there are some distinct similarities between the mindset you have regarding your husband, and the counseling, and particularly the 12 step work I did, when my son was dealing with his addiction.

His addiction was out of my control. The 3 C's of addiction became my mantra, my salvation, and my best friend.

I didn't cause it
I can't cure it
I can't control it.

The same can be said of your husband's behavior.

It was only after I began to focus on myself, on my response or lack of to my son's addiction, on my acceptance of the fact that there was nothing I could do to cure or control it (because 15 years of trying hadn't convinced me of that already! 🤦‍♀️) that I began to recover myself, even though at that time he was still using.

It seems to me that you're doing very similar. You can't change or control the way he behaves for the most part. Only he can do that, if he chooses, and he doesn't want to, or is incapable of it. Either way, the outcome is the same. But what you CAN control is the way you react and/or respond. And that's what you're focusing on.

And that is a very healthy thing to do! Kudos! (y):love:
 
Treacle said:
With you @Aneeda72 - he will never apologise 'cos he believes he is right- never ever heard a sorry/or an apology. I've also had abuse in various forms and friends have worried. For me I am convinced , apart from his background, childhood trauma, fall when he was 21 and very drunk , causing him to be unconscious ( but no brain scan done), he is now suffering from the onset of 'dementia' or Alzheimers. Sometimes their behaviour make us 'ugly' Fortunately I have a few friends who know me from the past and know that is not my way and I am dealing in difficult circumstances, but Aneeda don't know if this might sound stupid but I've had a difficult past and what I choose to believe is that 'the external force |(some say God) puts us in a position for a reason despite how difficult it is for us to understand. But from that we move forward. Just saying. ☺ Take good care
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I agree, and it does not sound stupid.
 
We've been married 45 years this year and are still as happy as the day we married. We've been through having an autistic and epileptic child and her sudden death at age 32. Redundancies and illness and we've got through it., Yes, we both realize how lucky we are. Mind you, there are still times I could murder him. Take a few Easters ago when I had made umpteen vol au vents for a street party. I only asked him to do one thing: Nip to the supermarket and get a bunch of fresh parsley to decorate the tray they were on. He came back with a pound of Clover margarine o_O
 
Today my husband said, “it looks great”. What? Yup, those words came out, of his mouth. We removed a cement pad, put the cement in a place that we removed dirt. Then put the dirt on the cement, put wood to hold the cement and dirt, like a raised garden, then put big chunks of cement in the back.

And set flowers pots in the front. He took two weeks vacation to work on the back yard. We had to get that pad up before winter. He started working on it Saturday. Hasn’t complained once. In the last four weeks, he’s only said one nasty thing to me. WOW, this he how he used to be, always. So Nice.

And while he was unsure about my ideal, it has turned out great. Castle rock will be delivered Saturday to put in front of the wood, then another garden created in front of the raised garden for Tulips.

Currently he is putting large chunks of cement in the garden as a border in front of the fruit vines. Wow, just wow. Hopefully his mood last a very long time!
 
Aneeda72 said:
I have jelly beans, my ER supply for when I’m really stressed. Like all of us I am more stressed than usual, so I’ve been eating more jelly beans. Wow, I didn’t realize I had eaten half a jar so quick. I decided enough is enough and threw the rest of them away.

I emptied the jar into the trash can so no danger I’d change my mind and get them out. Husband asked, where’s the jelly beans. Why? Husband has, in his room, two jars of candy, a bag of candy, a can of nuts, a jar of sugar pecans, and some hard candies. And pretzels.

Why, I ask him do you care? They are my jelly beans, even though I keep them in the kitchen. I don’t keep food in my room. Because, he says, I’ve been eating them at night with my pretzels. 😠. So I say, have you already eaten ALL your candy? Nope.

Did you throw them away, he asked. Yes, cause I thought I was eating them too fast. But seems I wasn‘t, seems you were eating them. Yup, but I shouldn’t, cause the stick to my dentures. Sigh. He’s right, he shouldn’t be eating my candy, but he’s wrong about the reason.

And he turns and walks away. Goes into his room, and puts his dresser in front of his door so I can’t get into his room for two days cause he’s mad that I threw away my jelly beans. I have to call him if I want something from him. Or walk all the way around to the other side of the house, and go through the laundry room, and his bathroom, and then there is another door into his bedroom.

I swear, he’s five years old. Do you want me to buy you some more jelly beans when I go to Costco? Nope. Grab some more pretzels though. Sure.
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Two unhappy elderly people or two teenaged siblings fighting over a cache of goodies?o_O
 
Damaged Goods said:
Two unhappy elderly people or two teenaged siblings fighting over a cache of goodies?o_O
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You don’t understand. My husband has food issues. He went hungry, as a child, and when we were first married we had little money for food which increased his major food insecurity. However, we have been fine with food, for at least 45 years. But he’s never gotten over not having food.

Plus, for some reason, he is jealous of anything I have, and I mean anything. I am surprised he doesn’t wear my underwear. 😂. Probably cause he couldn’t squeeze into it. He weights a lot more than I do.

In his declining years, his mental health issues have increased, especially his issues over food. If I have something that is food, he is driven to have some and sometimes all of it. It would be funny, if it were not so sad. I really do feel sorry for him. It must be awful to be driven to eat and eat and eat.
 
The other thing is my husband is not a happy person. He’s never been happy. I have asked him in several different ways over several different years if he has every been happy. He says no. I believe him. I don’t think he even understands what happiness is.

Even now, in my position, I am basically a happy person. I wish we could have a better marriage, (not a better life, life is good, but a better marriage). I keep trying, but it will never happen. He has a hole in his bucket and no matter how much you fill it up, it leaks continuously.

I have finally realized that HE must make himself happy, no one can do it for him. He resents everyone, puts forth no effort towards anyone, and, like some Vietnam veterans, he should have just gone off and become a hermit. But he didn’t.
 
Aneeda72 said:
The other thing is my husband is not a happy person. He’s never been happy. I have asked him in several different ways over several different years if he has every been happy. He says no. I believe him. I don’t think he even understands what happiness is.

Even now, in my position, I am basically a happy person. I wish we could have a better marriage, (not a better life, life is good, but a better marriage). I keep trying, but it will never happen. He has a hole in his bucket and no matter how much you fill it up, it leaks continuously.

I have finally realized that HE must make himself happy, no one can do it for him. He resents everyone, puts forth no effort towards anyone, and, like some Vietnam veterans, he should have just gone off and become a hermit. But he didn’t.
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I didn't realize the level of severity of his mental issues. Should have realized that it was something more than some immature reaction.
 
Damaged Goods said:
I didn't realize the level of severity of his mental issues. Should have realized that it was something more than some immature reaction.
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He joined the marines with two friends he went to high school with, they were in the same barracks in Vietnam. One night another marine got “high” and somehow thought his fellow marines were vietcong and shot off his automatic rifle.

My husband watched his fellow marine kill his two best friends. I didn't know him before he went to Vietnam, but I think this single act changed him forever, and not in a good way. Thus PTSD.
 
Autumn72 said:
Thats what it all about he wants to be single without you my drar why he does this to you. Hoping you will leave his old self.
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No he doesn’t want to be single and he does not want me to leave. He acts the way he acts cause he is mentally ill. And I vent here cause I can and it’s a somewhat safe place. I can’t leave for a variety of complicated reasons which I’ve explained in various threads.

But it also comes down to would I leave someone because they had a physical illness? No, I would not. Some people would but I would not, so there you have it.
 
Aneeda72 said:
No, you are confused. He keeps HIS cereal in his cupboard. I rarely eat cereal, but when we were in the apartment I didn’t feel like making oatmeal so I poured myself a bowl of his Frosted Flakes and said I am having a bowl of your cereal. Is that ok?

He said, why don’t you buy your own? Obviously because I’m not currently in a grocery store. And I poured the cereal back into the box. We don’t fight over food. We have shared food, and his food. The jelly beans he would consider mine cause he doesn’t like them.

Until, he decided he couldn’t stand I had something that was “mine” so had to have them. That’s what I am saying-he is getting stranger and stranger. Had I known it was him eating them and not me I’d given them to him. He swear s he doesn’t have food issues, but he does.

I could have some of the candy he has in his room but I don’t want it. I even forget he has it. But I’d have to tell him I am having some. The jelly bean thing was odd.
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Are you sure you are married to this guy Aneeda? Sounds more like you are college roommates.
 
I understand you needing a place to vent. I wrote like crazy in my journal when I was living with my husband. That journal I read now when I think maybe I shouldn't have left. I liked being in the country and all that, but no, it was the right thing for me to do. It took me almost ten years to actually do it. It is not easy to do.

Sometimes when someone writes something about their day, their feelings or what they are doing, others mistakenly think you are asking for advice. Happens to me on fakebook all the time. I end up deleting that post usually. I think we just like to say this is what happened to me today. Not really what should I do? Regardless, I never mean to give advice because I don't know what someone else is truly going through.
 
Aneeda72 said:
We have been married 48 plus years. Lots of tough times. Yes, early on I realized we were two people living together. I tried to get him to realize this and was never able to. I sought help and therapist wanted us to do marriage counseling. They couldn’t understand it wasn’t a marriage.

It was him and a live in maid. It just got more and more complicated. You get stuck in a cycle and can’t leave because all your children are disabled, and disabled children require a mom who stays home. You wake up one day and realize your stuck. The children are out, but still disabled.

Then you are disabled. He’s getting more and more odd. You are still stuck. And while I’d like to leave, where can I live on 800 a month? When he’s nice and reasonable, it’s fine. But, he’s odd. Getting odder. So I thought it’d be interesting to write about. 😂
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Aren't you glad you can come on this site and unload like this? Your life is intolerable but at least you can get sympathy on here.
 
Rosemarie said:
Aren't you glad you can come on this site and unload like this? Your life is intolerable but at least you can get sympathy on here.
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It’s not that I want or need sympathy as much as I want to check if others think his behavior is odd. After so many years you begin to doubt yourself and want to run stuff pass others to see if it’s you or the other person. I do need to vent though, 😂, and I do.

I admit I dislike judgmental comments about my husband or nasty comments that pretend to be advice but are not. He is my husband, I do love him, we have been to hell and back several times with 3 deceased babies, four living disabled children, and other various serious issues not of our making. But while I feel I have “grown“ I feel he has not.

2020, putting aside the virus, has been an interesting year. We have had some long conversation in which he has finally acknowledged that he does not treat me well emotionally. But he still refuses mental health treatment while acknowledging he has mental health issues.

It all matters less and less to me.
 
Aneeda72 said:
It’s not that I want or need sympathy as much as I want to check if others think his behavior is odd. After so many years you begin to doubt yourself and want to run stuff pass others to see if it’s you or the other person. I do need to vent though, 😂, and I do.

I admit I dislike judgmental comments about my husband or nasty comments that pretend to be advice but are not. He is my husband, I do love him, we have been to hell and back several times with 3 deceased babies, four living disabled children, and other various serious issues not of our making. But while I feel I have “grown“ I feel he has not.

2020, putting aside the virus, has been an interesting year. We have had some long conversation in which he has finally acknowledged that he does not treat me well emotionally. But he still refuses mental health treatment while acknowledging he has mental health issues.

It all matters less and less to me.
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IF only he can read this, I hope it makes an impact in his life. He's so fortunate to have you in his life. I'm sure you're not perfect sister but I've read your stories and I know you're a woman of substance. Take care, you're loved!
 

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