Not that anyone is asking

A promontory on the pacific coast called Bodega Head is where my life took a bad turn. Me and a dive-buddy just finished checking out this deep freshwater pond situated just inland from Campbell Cove. I’m not sure that pond has an official name but people in the area call it The Hole in the Head. Some guys working there thought we were going to dive it and asked if we had a permit, which we didn’t but that wasn’t the plan anyway, so we crossed the peninsula over to the west shore of Bodega Head and that’s where it happened. I stepped out onto a sturdy rocky shelf to find the best way down to the shoreline and saw it would be a tricky hike so I put on my wetsuit bc it was better than carrying it. Then I stepped back out even farther just to check again which was really stupid bc there was s strong gusty wind up there, and that was literally my downfall.

I might have posted about this somewhere already but this is a diary, so not only might I repeat myself sometimes, sometimes I won’t use spell check and the grammar and punctuation software. But I’m sure nobody feels pressured to read diaries so, yeah, sometimes I won’t bother with that stuff.

So anyway, I had a few non-life-threatening spine fractures, and bone shards got stuck in some lumbar and thoracic nerve roots, and my spine shifted out of alignment a few degrees here and there. Moreover, my liver was busted up a bit and some of the contents of my stomach splashed out onto the rock I landed on. Not a good scene. I had surgery and that fixed me up adequately and I healed fast and went back to work in less than 2 months but I had to take it easy for another month. But years along, when I started having severe back pain, my new doctor saw bone shards still in there, along with the misalignment being increased by a significant degree but I didn’t have the second surgery until about 5 years go when it was ok (and kind of imperative) for me to retire.
 

Collin’s mom, Tara, trusts no one (I can’t emphasize that enough) so I’ve always been careful to offer advice and not just throw it out there when I see something I don't like. I’m careful what kind of questions I ask, especially ones about Collin. Basically, I try to come across as completely non-judgmental to a person who thinks everyone is judging her every minute all day long.

Tara’s mother was addicted to alcohol and heroin. She moved her kids from one dump to the next every few months or so, usually in the middle of the night, to avoid evictions. They were often without lights, hot water, and a phone because the bills weren’t paid. The mother’s boyfriends came and went and moved in and moved out, and she didn’t cook every day so a lot of times young Tara had to feed herself and her little brother whatever she found in the fridge, sometimes having to scrape mold off it first.

I’m not going to say Tara’s horrible childhood excuses her adult mistakes, but I will say it’s what caused her to make them and not care who was affected. But she seems to care about Collin. And maybe he’s the first and only thing she’s ever cared about since her brother, and she's not really great at it because she was never given the right tools.

But getting to the point, Tara trusts me (“You’re not one of these judge-y do-gooder society people”) and she said she wants me to be a part of Collin’s life. She literally said that. That felt like she asked for my help without admitting she needs it. Whatever, it's a win for me because I get to be a part of Collin’s life, and a win for Collin because ditto.
 
Collin’s mom, Tara, trusts no one (I can’t emphasize that enough) so I’ve always been careful to offer advice and not just throw it out there when I see something I don't like. I’m careful what kind of questions I ask, especially ones about Collin. Basically, I try to come across as completely non-judgmental to a person who thinks everyone is judging her every minute all day long.

Tara’s mother was addicted to alcohol and heroin. She moved her kids from one dump to the next every few months or so, usually in the middle of the night, to avoid evictions. They were often without lights, hot water, and a phone because the bills weren’t paid. The mother’s boyfriends came and went and moved in and moved out, and she didn’t cook every day so a lot of times young Tara had to feed herself and her little brother whatever she found in the fridge, sometimes having to scrape mold off it first.

I’m not going to say Tara’s horrible childhood excuses her adult mistakes, but I will say it’s what caused her to make them and not care who was affected. But she seems to care about Collin. And maybe he’s the first and only thing she’s ever cared about since her brother, and she's not really great at it because she was never given the right tools.

But getting to the point, Tara trusts me (“You’re not one of these judge-y do-gooder society people”) and she said she wants me to be a part of Collin’s life. She literally said that. That felt like she asked for my help without admitting she needs it. Whatever, it's a win for me because I get to be a part of Collin’s life, and a win for Collin because ditto.
I hope Tara continues to trust you, and that you are able to see Collin often. Hopefully, you have many years ahead of you to share your lives together.
 

I hope Tara continues to trust you, and that you are able to see Collin often. Hopefully, you have many years ahead of you to share your lives together.
The one thing I feared if it turned out I adopted Collin is that he'd be 10 years old and pushing his ol' man around in a wheelchair and missing out on sports and stuff. So this could be a great arrangement. I haven't forgotten that Tara has stolen from me. That was a year ago and maybe she's better, but I don't trust her a whole lot at this point. I mean I'm not about to be her sugar-daddy or anything. It's all about Collin, and I'll be there for him.
 
Collin’s mom, Tara, trusts no one (I can’t emphasize that enough) so I’ve always been careful to offer advice and not just throw it out there when I see something I don't like. I’m careful what kind of questions I ask, especially ones about Collin. Basically, I try to come across as completely non-judgmental to a person who thinks everyone is judging her every minute all day long.

Tara’s mother was addicted to alcohol and heroin. She moved her kids from one dump to the next every few months or so, usually in the middle of the night, to avoid evictions. They were often without lights, hot water, and a phone because the bills weren’t paid. The mother’s boyfriends came and went and moved in and moved out, and she didn’t cook every day so a lot of times young Tara had to feed herself and her little brother whatever she found in the fridge, sometimes having to scrape mold off it first.

I’m not going to say Tara’s horrible childhood excuses her adult mistakes, but I will say it’s what caused her to make them and not care who was affected. But she seems to care about Collin. And maybe he’s the first and only thing she’s ever cared about since her brother, and she's not really great at it because she was never given the right tools.

But getting to the point, Tara trusts me (“You’re not one of these judge-y do-gooder society people”) and she said she wants me to be a part of Collin’s life. She literally said that. That felt like she asked for my help without admitting she needs it. Whatever, it's a win for me because I get to be a part of Collin’s life, and a win for Collin because ditto.
That is “THE” best news I have heard all day!😁
I just hope you don’t get hurt again, but for Collins sake I would think it would be worth the risk. He’s a mighty lucky little boy to have you in his life...and I so hope Tara continues to do better for the love of her son as well💕
 
The one thing I feared if it turned out I adopted Collin is that he'd be 10 years old and pushing his ol' man around in a wheelchair and missing out on sports and stuff. So this could be a great arrangement. I haven't forgotten that Tara has stolen from me. That was a year ago and maybe she's better, but I don't trust her a whole lot at this point. I mean I'm not about to be her sugar-daddy or anything. It's all about Collin, and I'll be there for him.
She's trying to trust you so try to trust her too. I'm glad you get to be a part of Collin's life. ☺️
 
But getting to the point, Tara trusts me (“You’re not one of these judge-y do-gooder society people”) and she said she wants me to be a part of Collin’s life. She literally said that. That felt like she asked for my help without admitting she needs it. Whatever, it's a win for me because I get to be a part of Collin’s life, and a win for Collin because ditto.
Don't think the situation could be much better.
Very happy for you guys.

Sounds like a good Christmas
 
A promontory on the pacific coast called Bodega Head is where my life took a bad turn. Me and a dive-buddy just finished checking out this deep freshwater pond situated just inland from Campbell Cove. I’m not sure that pond has an official name but people in the area call it The Hole in the Head. Some guys working there thought we were going to dive it and asked if we had a permit, which we didn’t but that wasn’t the plan anyway, so we crossed the peninsula over to the west shore of Bodega Head and that’s where it happened. I stepped out onto a sturdy rocky shelf to find the best way down to the shoreline and saw it would be a tricky hike so I put on my wetsuit bc it was better than carrying it. Then I stepped back out even farther just to check again which was really stupid bc there was s strong gusty wind up there, and that was literally my downfall.

I might have posted about this somewhere already but this is a diary, so not only might I repeat myself sometimes, sometimes I won’t use spell check and the grammar and punctuation software. But I’m sure nobody feels pressured to read diaries so, yeah, sometimes I won’t bother with that stuff.

So anyway, I had a few non-life-threatening spine fractures, and bone shards got stuck in some lumbar and thoracic nerve roots, and my spine shifted out of alignment a few degrees here and there. Moreover, my liver was busted up a bit and some of the contents of my stomach splashed out onto the rock I landed on. Not a good scene. I had surgery and that fixed me up adequately and I healed fast and went back to work in less than 2 months but I had to take it easy for another month. But years along, when I started having severe back pain, my new doctor saw bone shards still in there, along with the misalignment being increased by a significant degree but I didn’t have the second surgery until about 5 years go when it was ok (and kind of imperative) for me to retire.
Ow! You surely have a way with words. I could almost feel your pain😣
 
Here’s something I didn’t talk about before because, a) the situation is complicated enough (not that I thought I’d scramble people's brains, I just wanted to focus on less), b) I was afraid it would sound unbelievable (but believe me, I couldn’t make up this kind of crap).
So here it is >

Tara stopped coming here for her twice-a-week visits with Collin when he was about 4 months old (Oct 2018) and no one knew where she went, not even her mom, Collin’s grandmother who I also allowed to come here to visit Collin. Then, right before Collin’s first birthday, Tara had twins. Even though they didn’t test positive for meth CPS took them anyway because Collin’s case was unresolved and Tara had not gone to rehab yet or any other services that CPS “offered” (they say “offered” but they actually mean “required”. Not that I’m sympathetic to Tara for not accepting the offers).

That’s when Tara finally checked into rehab and went to counseling and parenting class and all the other programs that CPS offers. Through it all, Tara kept saying she just wanted the twins back. Like a punch in the stomach for Collin, right? (Well, he was too young to feel it, so I felt it for him.) Tara’s CPS appointed attorney probably told her this was not a good tactic for getting her kids back, including the twins, so she stopped saying she just wanted the twins. That’s when she started visiting Collin again. By that time, he was almost 2 years old.

Ok, so now, about Collin’s father. He got out of prison about that time and he came to visit Collin also, with Tara. He served a little over a year for a parole violation. The original charge was either terrorist threat or domestic terror, I’m not sure. He threatened to kill his mom. He was tweaking hard at the time, was living with her, and she was trying to throw him out. She called the cops after he threatened to kill her.
(He’s 35, btw. Tara is 25 or 26).

He’s the twins father too, and he and Tara visited them twice a week when they were little babies but not at their foster parents home; it was at the CPS visitors center here in Sac. All personal visits stopped when the pandemic hit. So Tara did face-time with the twins 4 days a week for 2 hours each visit, and sometimes their father was with her. (After he got out of prison. He’d gone straight from prison to rehab, voluntarily, and after the 90-day black-out period they let him visit Tara.). She did face-time with Collin 3 times in 6 months, 8 minutes the first time, 10 the second, and 6 minutes the last time. Collin’s father wasn’t with her for those. Aside from that, she text me once or twice a week – “How’s Collin doing? Tell him his mama misses him.” I saved all her texts. Dozens of them, all identical. They were presented in court but apparently had no impact.

This is a long story. That’s why I wanted to keep it trim and focused. Now, Tara has all 3 little ones. Collin’s twin siblings are something like 10 months younger than him. He also has (*sigh*) an 8 year old sister and a 10 year old brother. They live with their fathers but they sometimes spend the night with Tara (and the babies). I’ve talked to them by phone and they said they LOVE their baby siblings and they’re so, SO cute, and they sounded genuine about it, and when I say their names to Collin he smiles, so I’m not worried about them (how they are with him, I mean).

So, yeah, longer story now. But Diary, so...

I’m guessing that the scratches I’ve seen on Collin are from the twins. They’re about 18-20 months old now (I’m not gonna do the math). He doesn’t seem to like them. When I mention their names he either makes a pout-face or he stays totally neutral. I get the feeling that he knows he's supposed to love them but that it just isn't happening. They probably grab toys from him and stuff – the grandmother told me Tara tells him he has to share – and Tara said they follow him EVERYWHERE all the time. He shares a bedroom with them, and they still wake during the night, usually at about 2 or 3am she said, and that wakes him up, so I figure he’s not sleeping well. That’s probably why he’s gotten grumpy.

Well, he’s got a lot to be grumpy about, that’s for sure, but if he slept better he’d probably be less grumpy.
But anyway, after all the above added background (noise) this post is about how he’s changed since being reunited with his mother and not seeing his “daddy” for a little over 2 months.

  1. Oh boy, can he get grumpy. It’s really hard to talk to him then (to talk him out of it/into a better mood), he just does not want to hear it.
  2. He’s a lot louder (Tara doesn’t have an inside voice). After a couple days here he quieted down some but he talks louder, laughs louder and cries louder.
  3. He even plays louder. I guess the “right” word is aggressively; he plays more aggressively. Maybe it’s just because he’s older but, i.e., when he’s done building his usual trains and towers with his Legos, he throws them on the floor to watch them fly apart. My guess is he’s seen that happen when his younger siblings (maybe accidentally) smack his Lego creations out of his hand or something like that, and maybe he thinks it looks kind of cool. But maybe he doesn’t.
  4. He throws his toys a lot. Just picks ‘em up and throws them, and then he looks at me, and I just explain about the downside of throwing things and tell him he shouldn’t do it.
  5. He won't have anything to do with his stuffed animals. He used to hug them every morning and played with them off and on during the day. I tried to send them with him, but Tara said she already bought some for him.
  6. He’s more demanding and insistent and he’s very emotional about it. Actually it doesn’t take much to make him cry. The word No suffices. Say No when he wants a cookie or whatever and he falls apart, and saying he can have one later doesn’t help at all. And I don’t know if this is drama or frustration or a ploy or if he really just can’t handle it. I mean, I know it’s not about a cookie or whatever but I don’t know what he’s trying to get across other than he’s having a hard time with everything. And I sure as hell don’t know how to fix it or even make it better. Or anyway, nothing I’ve tried worked.

And that last one is a tricky one because if I, say, held him and rocked him in the rocking chair, he might have more melt-downs just so he could be held and rocked. So mostly I just hug him and tell him that everything is going to be okay (maybe...someday, right?) and then I ask him what does he want to do today, or something like that, just to get his mind off it. Whatever it is. Like I said, probably everything.
 
It sounds like he's acting out. It's probably an emotional strain for him and he's got no way to verbalize it? Just keep track of it all. If you start seeing something worrying I'd contact that CPS lady. He may just need time to adjust. I just wonder if he's acting this way cuz he's not getting as much love as the twins.
 
It sounds like he's acting out. It's probably an emotional strain for him and he's got no way to verbalize it? Just keep track of it all. If you start seeing something worrying I'd contact that CPS lady. He may just need time to adjust. I just wonder if he's acting this way cuz he's not getting as much love as the twins.
That's what his grandmother told me. She said both parents make over the twins all the time, all kissy and baby-talk. Where, with Collin, thery'll hand him some crayons and a piece of paper and tell him to "sit over there".
 
Yup...poor kid. If it weren’t for you, I’d say he probably doesn’t have a chance in hell in this life. Bad enough that he has two questionable parents...and by that I mean questionable as to how long will they stay clean. Hopefully forever but... And will they tire of both Collin and the twins when they get older, start talking back, and require more of them as far as the right kind of discipline and love goes? Nobody has a crystal ball, and as much as I pray for best, the odds are not in Collin’s favor. Was he born addicted?? The part that stood out to me was his building his lego’s, or whatever, and then destroying his creation. That just sounds...sad. And throwing his toys. I mean all kids do this sometimes, but not consistently, I don’t think. Maybe he was testing you to see of you would still love him no matter what. Boy, Murmmer...I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes, but I’m 10O% glad that YOU are...if that makes sense. I couldn’t handle the pain of what you are going through. If I was the full time parent I could, but not the way you have to deal with it. I think my BP just jumped through the roof regarding the laws, or lack thereof in this country. Children, thousands upon thousands, have absolutely no rights or protection from the evils in this world. There is no, none, zilch, reason why Collin or the twins should have been given back to the parents until they were worthy of the responsibility again. Whew! Sorry. But it angers me right down to my soul. And I will also apologize for being so long winded. I simply do not know how to cap
Here’s something I didn’t talk about before because, a) the situation is complicated enough (not that I thought I’d scramble people's brains, I just wanted to focus on less), b) I was afraid it would sound unbelievable (but believe me, I couldn’t make up this kind of crap).
So here it is >

Tara stopped coming here for her twice-a-week visits with Collin when he was about 4 months old (Oct 2018) and no one knew where she went, not even her mom, Collin’s grandmother who I also allowed to come here to visit Collin. Then, right before Collin’s first birthday, Tara had twins. Even though they didn’t test positive for meth CPS took them anyway because Collin’s case was unresolved and Tara had not gone to rehab yet or any other services that CPS “offered” (they say “offered” but they actually mean “required”. Not that I’m sympathetic to Tara for not accepting the offers).

That’s when Tara finally checked into rehab and went to counseling and parenting class and all the other programs that CPS offers. Through it all, Tara kept saying she just wanted the twins back. Like a punch in the stomach for Collin, right? (Well, he was too young to feel it, so I felt it for him.) Tara’s CPS appointed attorney probably told her this was not a good tactic for getting her kids back, including the twins, so she stopped saying she just wanted the twins. That’s when she started visiting Collin again. By that time, he was almost 2 years old.

Ok, so now, about Collin’s father. He got out of prison about that time and he came to visit Collin also, with Tara. He served a little over a year for a parole violation. The original charge was either terrorist threat or domestic terror, I’m not sure. He threatened to kill his mom. He was tweaking hard at the time, was living with her, and she was trying to throw him out. She called the cops after he threatened to kill her.
(He’s 35, btw. Tara is 25 or 26).

He’s the twins father too, and he and Tara visited them twice a week when they were little babies but not at their foster parents home; it was at the CPS visitors center here in Sac. All personal visits stopped when the pandemic hit. So Tara did face-time with the twins 4 days a week for 2 hours each visit, and sometimes their father was with her. (After he got out of prison. He’d gone straight from prison to rehab, voluntarily, and after the 90-day black-out period they let him visit Tara.). She did face-time with Collin 3 times in 6 months, 8 minutes the first time, 10 the second, and 6 minutes the last time. Collin’s father wasn’t with her for those. Aside from that, she text me once or twice a week – “How’s Collin doing? Tell him his mama misses him.” I saved all her texts. Dozens of them, all identical. They were presented in court but apparently had no impact.

This is a long story. That’s why I wanted to keep it trim and focused. Now, Tara has all 3 little ones. Collin’s twin siblings are something like 10 months younger than him. He also has (*sigh*) an 8 year old sister and a 10 year old brother. They live with their fathers but they sometimes spend the night with Tara (and the babies). I’ve talked to them by phone and they said they LOVE their baby siblings and they’re so, SO cute, and they sounded genuine about it, and when I say their names to Collin he smiles, so I’m not worried about them (how they are with him, I mean).

So, yeah, longer story now. But Diary, so...

I’m guessing that the scratches I’ve seen on Collin are from the twins. They’re about 18-20 months old now (I’m not gonna do the math). He doesn’t seem to like them. When I mention their names he either makes a pout-face or he stays totally neutral. I get the feeling that he knows he's supposed to love them but that it just isn't happening. They probably grab toys from him and stuff – the grandmother told me Tara tells him he has to share – and Tara said they follow him EVERYWHERE all the time. He shares a bedroom with them, and they still wake during the night, usually at about 2 or 3am she said, and that wakes him up, so I figure he’s not sleeping well. That’s probably why he’s gotten grumpy.

Well, he’s got a lot to be grumpy about, that’s for sure, but if he slept better he’d probably be less grumpy.
But anyway, after all the above added background (noise) this post is about how he’s changed since being reunited with his mother and not seeing his “daddy” for a little over 2 months.

  1. Oh boy, can he get grumpy. It’s really hard to talk to him then (to talk him out of it/into a better mood), he just does not want to hear it.
  2. He’s a lot louder (Tara doesn’t have an inside voice). After a couple days here he quieted down some but he talks louder, laughs louder and cries louder.
  3. He even plays louder. I guess the “right” word is aggressively; he plays more aggressively. Maybe it’s just because he’s older but, i.e., when he’s done building his usual trains and towers with his Legos, he throws them on the floor to watch them fly apart. My guess is he’s seen that happen when his younger siblings (maybe accidentally) smack his Lego creations out of his hand or something like that, and maybe he thinks it looks kind of cool. But maybe he doesn’t.
  4. He throws his toys a lot. Just picks ‘em up and throws them, and then he looks at me, and I just explain about the downside of throwing things and tell him he shouldn’t do it.
  5. He won't have anything to do with his stuffed animals. He used to hug them every morning and played with them off and on during the day. I tried to send them with him, but Tara said she already bought some for him.
  6. He’s more demanding and insistent and he’s very emotional about it. Actually it doesn’t take much to make him cry. The word No suffices. Say No when he wants a cookie or whatever and he falls apart, and saying he can have one later doesn’t help at all. And I don’t know if this is drama or frustration or a ploy or if he really just can’t handle it. I mean, I know it’s not about a cookie or whatever but I don’t know what he’s trying to get across other than he’s having a hard time with everything. And I sure as hell don’t know how to fix it or even make it better. Or anyway, nothing I’ve tried worked.

And that last one is a tricky one because if I, say, held him and rocked him in the rocking chair, he might have more melt-downs just so he could be held and rocked. So mostly I just hug him and tell him that everything is going to be okay (maybe...someday, right?) and then I ask him what does he want to do today, or something like that, just to get his mind off it. Whatever it is. Like I said, probably everything.
 
Yup...poor kid. If it weren’t for you, I’d say he probably doesn’t have a chance in hell in this life. Bad enough that he has two questionable parents...and by that I mean questionable as to how long will they stay clean. Hopefully forever but... And will they tire of both Collin and the twins when they get older, start talking back, and require more of them as far as the right kind of discipline and love goes? Nobody has a crystal ball, and as much as I pray for best, the odds are not in Collin’s favor. Was he born addicted?? The part that stood out to me was his building his lego’s, or whatever, and then destroying his creation. That just sounds...sad. And throwing his toys. I mean all kids do this sometimes, but not consistently, I don’t think. Maybe he was testing you to see of you would still love him no matter what. Boy, Murmmer...I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes, but I’m 10O% glad that YOU are...if that makes sense. I couldn’t handle the pain of what you are going through. If I was the full time parent I could, but not the way you have to deal with it. I think my BP just jumped through the roof regarding the laws, or lack thereof in this country. Children, thousands upon thousands, have absolutely no rights or protection from the evils in this world. There is no, none, zilch, reason why Collin or the twins should have been given back to the parents until they were worthy of the responsibility again. Whew! Sorry. But it angers me right down to my soul. And I will also apologize for being so long winded. I simply do not know how to cap
see? I couldn’t even finish the post 😂. But what I was saying is I don’t know how to capsulize my thoughts. That is whyI don’t send out Christmas letters anymore. They almost came close to manuscripts by the time I was done 😂
 
Well if what's going on at home with everyone making a fuss over the twins and ignoring him, no wonder Collin is grumpy. The CPS counselor had better step in and alert Tara and the father, that this boy needs some serious attention and loving. If not, trouble looms ahead big time. These children are so close in age, we'd call them Irish triplets. He's building up a heap of resentment and he's too young for this nonsense.
 
Is Collin a toddler? They're always crashing stuff down, particularly boys it seems. Totally normal behavior.
Yes, he's 2 1/2. He'll be 3 in June. I don't remember my kids ever throwing their toys. And maybe I just don't remember. My own kids' behavior is all I have to go on, you know? Sure they built block towers and toppled them, Collin did too, so maybe it's like that but it doesn't feel like it. I didn't make a big deal of it, btw, because for one, I didn't know what to make of it. But I do take into acct the confusion that's always swirled around him all his life. By the time I got him he'd been in a receiving home, mother appeared and disappeared, father appeared out of the blue, etc., then he's sort of snatched from the only home he's known.

Totally normal behavior sounds great! That's comforting to know.
 

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