Here’s something I didn’t talk about before because, a) the situation is complicated enough (not that I thought I’d scramble people's brains, I just wanted to focus on less), b) I was afraid it would sound unbelievable (but believe me, I couldn’t make up this kind of crap).
So here it is >
Tara stopped coming here for her twice-a-week visits with Collin when he was about 4 months old (Oct 2018) and no one knew where she went, not even her mom, Collin’s grandmother who I also allowed to come here to visit Collin. Then, right before Collin’s first birthday, Tara had twins. Even though they didn’t test positive for meth CPS took them anyway because Collin’s case was unresolved and Tara had not gone to rehab yet or any other services that CPS “offered” (they say “offered” but they actually mean “required”. Not that I’m sympathetic to Tara for not accepting the offers).
That’s when Tara finally checked into rehab and went to counseling and parenting class and all the other programs that CPS offers. Through it all, Tara kept saying she just wanted the twins back. Like a punch in the stomach for Collin, right? (Well, he was too young to feel it, so I felt it for him.) Tara’s CPS appointed attorney probably told her this was not a good tactic for getting her kids back, including the twins, so she stopped saying she just wanted the twins. That’s when she started visiting Collin again. By that time, he was almost 2 years old.
Ok, so now, about Collin’s father. He got out of prison about that time and he came to visit Collin also, with Tara. He served a little over a year for a parole violation. The original charge was either terrorist threat or domestic terror, I’m not sure. He threatened to kill his mom. He was tweaking hard at the time, was living with her, and she was trying to throw him out. She called the cops after he threatened to kill her.
(He’s 35, btw. Tara is 25 or 26).
He’s the twins father too, and he and Tara visited them twice a week when they were little babies but not at their foster parents home; it was at the CPS visitors center here in Sac. All personal visits stopped when the pandemic hit. So Tara did face-time with the twins 4 days a week for 2 hours each visit, and sometimes their father was with her. (After he got out of prison. He’d gone straight from prison to rehab, voluntarily, and after the 90-day black-out period they let him visit Tara.). She did face-time with Collin 3 times in 6 months, 8 minutes the first time, 10 the second, and 6 minutes the last time. Collin’s father wasn’t with her for those. Aside from that, she text me once or twice a week – “How’s Collin doing? Tell him his mama misses him.” I saved all her texts. Dozens of them, all identical. They were presented in court but apparently had no impact.
This is a long story. That’s why I wanted to keep it trim and focused. Now, Tara has all 3 little ones. Collin’s twin siblings are something like 10 months younger than him. He also has (*sigh*) an 8 year old sister and a 10 year old brother. They live with their fathers but they sometimes spend the night with Tara (and the babies). I’ve talked to them by phone and they said they LOVE their baby siblings and they’re so, SO cute, and they sounded genuine about it, and when I say their names to Collin he smiles, so I’m not worried about them (how they are with him, I mean).
So, yeah, longer story now. But Diary, so...
I’m guessing that the scratches I’ve seen on Collin are from the twins. They’re about 18-20 months old now (I’m not gonna do the math). He doesn’t seem to like them. When I mention
their names he either makes a pout-face or he stays totally neutral. I get the feeling that he knows he's supposed to love them but that it just isn't happening. They probably grab toys from him and stuff – the grandmother told me Tara tells him he
has to share – and Tara said they follow him EVERYWHERE
all the time. He shares a bedroom with them, and they still wake during the night, usually at about 2 or 3am she said, and that wakes him up, so I figure he’s not sleeping well. That’s probably why he’s gotten grumpy.
Well, he’s got a lot to be grumpy about, that’s for sure, but if he slept better he’d probably be less grumpy.
But anyway, after all the above added background (noise) this post is about how he’s changed since being reunited with his mother and not seeing his “daddy” for a little over 2 months.
- Oh boy, can he get grumpy. It’s really hard to talk to him then (to talk him out of it/into a better mood), he just does not want to hear it.
- He’s a lot louder (Tara doesn’t have an inside voice). After a couple days here he quieted down some but he talks louder, laughs louder and cries louder.
- He even plays louder. I guess the “right” word is aggressively; he plays more aggressively. Maybe it’s just because he’s older but, i.e., when he’s done building his usual trains and towers with his Legos, he throws them on the floor to watch them fly apart. My guess is he’s seen that happen when his younger siblings (maybe accidentally) smack his Lego creations out of his hand or something like that, and maybe he thinks it looks kind of cool. But maybe he doesn’t.
- He throws his toys a lot. Just picks ‘em up and throws them, and then he looks at me, and I just explain about the downside of throwing things and tell him he shouldn’t do it.
- He won't have anything to do with his stuffed animals. He used to hug them every morning and played with them off and on during the day. I tried to send them with him, but Tara said she already bought some for him.
- He’s more demanding and insistent and he’s very emotional about it. Actually it doesn’t take much to make him cry. The word No suffices. Say No when he wants a cookie or whatever and he falls apart, and saying he can have one later doesn’t help at all. And I don’t know if this is drama or frustration or a ploy or if he really just can’t handle it. I mean, I know it’s not about a cookie or whatever but I don’t know what he’s trying to get across other than he’s having a hard time with everything. And I sure as hell don’t know how to fix it or even make it better. Or anyway, nothing I’ve tried worked.
And that last one is a tricky one because if I, say, held him and rocked him in the rocking chair, he might have more melt-downs just so he could be held and rocked. So mostly I just hug him and tell him that everything is going to be okay (maybe...someday, right?) and then I ask him what does he want to do today, or something like that, just to get his mind off it. Whatever
it is. Like I said, probably everything.
poor little guy
. But what I was saying is I don’t know how to capsulize my thoughts. That is whyI don’t send out Christmas letters anymore. They almost came close to manuscripts by the time I was done 
