Sex as a senior

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LSWOTE said:
Cordial would be the way I would describe it. My wife is delightfully outgoing. I love hearing her voice, I often compare her voice to a lovely glass mobile tinkling in the wind. Most days we have polite conversation with each other.
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Hmm. Do you think your son senses any tension, or does he seem content?
 

Shalimar said:
Hmm. Do you think your son senses any tension, or does he seem content?
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He is very aware of the situation but he says it is no big deal, and I believe him. My wife really leans on my son to do well in school and he has learned to just let it roll off his back and I think he does the same thing with the situation with me and his mother. He knows he is loved and both of us have spent a lot of time with him and he is a well-balanced individual.
 
LSWOTE said:
Jeez, that is terrible advice. Why even have a forum like this if you can't have a discussion? I have been, and will continue to be a good man and good father. Good husband though? I pay the bills and provide care for her elderly mother who has lived with us my entire marriage. I am a decent man, but a marriage without intimacy barely makes me a husband, much less a good one.
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Being a good husband requires so much more than paying the bills and caring for her elderly mother. Sounds like she could care for her mother herself. It’s a one sided discussion. With such a large age difference maybe she just doesn’t want to end up taking care of you as you age. Who knows? Maybe she doesn’t want sex with an older man, who knows?

We don’t because she is not here. YOU have a young wife, SHE has an elderly husband. It could simply be the age difference. We just don’t know and that slants the conversation towards us guessing about what the problem is.
 
Not to offend, but there are two sides to every story. We obviously won't be hearing her side straight from her. I know I'll get nasty comments on this following statement but, your story sounds like a oh poor me type of story, sympathy seeking. Which of course is deserved if there are no reasons other then what you have stated, that we do not know because your wife is not here to defend herself.
 
Aneeda72 said:
How about you do without sex? Yes, do without. Otherwise do whatever you want. Why ask a group of strangers what you should do? At your age, leave, cheat, separate, divorce, whatever. You are a grown up. Make a decision.

Or see a therapist and ask the therapist. Any opinion you get here will be just opinions of people who do not know the whole story as we can’t talk to your wife. Maybe you smell, maybe you are too fat, maybe you fart too much, or maybe she is just done with sex. Whatever.
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Well people here might be strangers to me, but certainly many here are not strangers to what I am discussing.
 
We can’t be certain of the veracity of anything people post here, but I trust my professional instincts. I have done a lot of marital counselling over the years. I believe LS. This situation is not uncommon.
 
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LSWOTE said:
My wife and I have not been intimate for a very long time. For a time it was mutual (we verbally fought a lot), but eventually I wanted intimacy again. I talked to my wife about it, obliquely at first as she is really doesn't like to discuss relationship issues of any kind. Eventually I spoke plainly about it. She told me she looks at me like a brother, and implied this was a pretty normal development in our relationship. This was news to me, but since then I have come to learn that she isn't alone in her opinion and I know of other women who feel the same.
......

Kind of at my wits end.
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LSWOTE
wow I give you credit for being this open. I think some here have been way harsher with you than they should have been. We all have struggles and challenges that we at times find difficult. This board should indeed be a 'safe' place to share concerns. You sound like a decent man who is just frustrated with how life is turning out.
I have never heard of women saying it is natural or normal for a husband to become like a brother. I hope you find a way to enjoy your life...
 
Shalimar said:
LS, please do not be affected by those who may have a personal axe to grind. There has been quite a lot of hostility about lately.
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LSWOTE said:
He is very aware of the situation but he says it is no big deal, and I believe him. My wife really leans on my son to do well in school and he has learned to just let it roll off his back and I think he does the same thing with the situation with me and his mother. He knows he is loved and both of us have spent a lot of time with him and he is a well-balanced individual.
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Hmm. Perhaps this simplifies things a bit. I am obviously not in your shoes. If it were me, I would ask myself what is the emotional price for staying until he graduates, versus leaving now. She really has it made, a man who supports she and her mother, her own money, and the ability to dictate the terms of your marriage. Why on earth would she

want to alter anything? But, you deserve so much more. Believe me, even if you aren’t interested, there are many women who would thank their lucky stars for a man like you.
 
RadishRose said:
She's just not into you.
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Oh I get that. Perhaps there is no advice anyone could give that I am not already aware of myself, but it is the living with the situation that is hard. I am aware one option to the situation is to buck up, don't complain, and live with things and by and large that is what I am doing. But I am not asking anyone to do anything than have a discussion with me. Don't send me money, come visit me, take care of me, pray for me, adopt my children, buy me a new car or elect me president.
 
It is entirely reasonable for you to want to be heard. If people are not interested, they certainly have the option of scrolling on by. However, the need to criticize, make negative assumptions, even make an attempt to shame you, that speaks to their mindset rather than yours. Sf mandate requires that we treat others with respect, avoid personal attacks. Most of the time, people are very supportive, or at least neutral.
 
LSWOTE said:
Oh I get that. Perhaps there is no advice anyone could give that I am not already aware of myself, but it is the living with the situation that is hard. I am aware one option to the situation is to buck up, don't complain, and live with things and by and large that is what I am doing. But I am not asking anyone to do anything than have a discussion with me. Don't send me money, come visit me, take care of me, pray for me, adopt my children, buy me a new car or elect me president.
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The only issues you have mentioned is no sex and feeling lonely. But the main problem seems to be the lack of sex. Sex is such a small part of marriage; but seems to be a large issue for you. As for living like brother and sister, that would mean more issues besides sex. A total breakdown of the marriage.

What are the other issues? Separate bedrooms? Sibling would split the bills, the household chores, the food preparation, different friends, different lives and on and on. Plus they would not share a child or the responsibility for one. So you are not living like a brother and sister.

You are simply not having sex. Lots of married people don’t have sex. Have you goggled the statistics? I do not know what kind of man you are or what kind of woman you wife is. All I know is you want sex and she doesn’t. If it’s that big of a deal, get a divorce.
 
LSWOTE said:
Oh I get that. Perhaps there is no advice anyone could give that I am not already aware of myself, but it is the living with the situation that is hard. I am aware one option to the situation is to buck up, don't complain, and live with things and by and large that is what I am doing. But I am not asking anyone to do anything than have a discussion with me. Don't send me money, come visit me, take care of me, pray for me, adopt my children, buy me a new car or elect me president.
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Well, based on the past, you might have a shot at president 😂😂😂
 
Shalimar said:
It is entirely reasonable for you to want to be heard. If people are not interested, they certainly have the option of scrolling on by. However, the need to criticize, make negative assumptions, even make an attempt to shame you, that speaks to their mindset rather than yours. Sf mandate requires that we treat others with respect, avoid personal attacks. Most of the time, people are very supportive, or at least neutral.
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This is so true and I don't know what's wrong with some of these people who don't act with respect and avoid personal attacks but it gets old.
 
Newsweek says 15% to 20% of married couples do not have sex and after the age of 70 sex really starts to drop off on marriages. I did not read the article. I think the percentage puts this issue in the normal range.
 
Aneeda72 said:
The only issues you have mentioned is no sex and feeling lonely. But the main problem seems to be the lack of sex. Sex is such a small part of marriage; but seems to be a large issue for you. As for living like brother and sister, that would mean more issues besides sex. A total breakdown of the marriage.

What are the other issues? Separate bedrooms? Sibling would split the bills, the household chores, the food preparation, different friends, different lives and on and on. Plus they would not share a child or the responsibility for one. So you are not living like a brother and sister.

You are simply not having sex. Lots of married people don’t have sex. Have you goggled the statistics? I do not know what kind of man you are or what kind of woman you wife is. All I know is you want sex and she doesn’t. If it’s that big of a deal, get a divorce.
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Well, loneliness can be relieved by other people but not sex, at least not without consequences, so sex is more of the sticky point.

My asking for advice and perhaps conversation seems to have offended you somehow. Let me apologize as I am sure my forthrightness is often too abrupt for polite company.
 
Getting satisfaction elsewhere? No.
LSWOTE said:
My wife and I have not been intimate for a very long time. For a time it was mutual (we verbally fought a lot), but eventually I wanted intimacy again. I talked to my wife about it, obliquely at first as she is really doesn't like to discuss relationship issues of any kind. Eventually I spoke plainly about it. She told me she looks at me like a brother, and implied this was a pretty normal development in our relationship. This was news to me, but since then I have come to learn that she isn't alone in her opinion and I know of other women who feel the same.

I can see my wife's point of view sort of. For me, sex filled two needs, a physical one and an emotional one. My wife has a large network of friends she gets emotional support from and she doesn't have the same emotional needs as me. However her lack of interest in a physical relationship makes no sense to me at all. She just doesn't seem to need it. I am sure she isn't doing anything secretly with someone else, she just doesn't need sex.

Now it is worth mentioning I am 15 years older than my wife and I still very much interested in the physical side of things.

I have considered leaving but frankly starting over would be incredibly hard financially and I have a teenage son with my wife who is still living at home and I enjoy having him around. He will be starting his own life soon enough and I kind of want to spend as much time as I can with him before that time comes. I have also thought of cheating, but frankly I don't know anyone to cheat with even if I could get past the moral scruples of it.

I have tried to get my wife to go to counseling but she adamantly said no. I went to counseling on my own and while it helped me understand my feelings about things, it didn't offer any solutions.

I am lonely and horny and have a pretty wife who doesn't want to help me with either.

Kind of at my wits end.
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Something happen in her youthful years that was a turnoff to sexual intercourse being desirable? Has she ever climaxed—not her failure on your part… Her not discussing relationship issues, plus looking at you like a brother is b s imo. Her excuse for avoiding sexual intercourse, hmmm, are you sure she isn’t having an affair? (some other male, or even some female? Personally, I doubt it.) Perhaps some kind of hormone meds would get her libido back, if that’s her problem.
 
Soon your son will leave to start his own life. Your purpose will move out of the house. Your wife's purpose will move out. There will be an empty nest, a void. You will both be forced to face it. You and her together. You have only a short time to get her to fall in love with you again before she gives up if that's her decision. If you want to fight for her then "date" her again, starting at square one, friendship...then first base, then 2nd, then 3rd. Slowly and tenderly.

If it doesn't work out, just know that lots of seniors find themselves alone all of a sudden and they adjust to being single because true love doesn't come around everyday.
 
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This is just my opinion and pray, what business is it of mine? but, I think if I had a spouse who thought of me as a sibling, withheld intimacy from me, and was no more than "cordial",
I would leave. I wouldn't ask anyone. I would leave. Take your son with you.
You see, a prostitute can give sex but you need much more than that. You need LOVE. Touching, affection.
A mistress might give both but it's only temporal.
Saying this and reading what you have written, I don't think you will leave. You will probably stay and a year from now, five years from now, you will be on a forum asking the same question.
Sorry, but that's my impression. I know you're in a miserable situation but you have to have the "gumption" to leave.
 
Is your wife on any type of medications? Some medications can kill the desire to have sex. Between the facts of her getting older and being on medications could be a cause and not because she cares less of you. It's just a thought but I know there are people out there that medications has caused this to happen to them.
 
Gaer said:
This is just my opinion and pray, what business is it of mine? but, I think if I had a spouse who thought of me as a sibling, withheld intimacy from me, and was no more than "cordial",
I would leave. I wouldn't ask anyone. I would leave. Take your son with you.
You see, a prostitute can give sex but you need much more than that. You need LOVE. Touching, affection.
A mistress might give both but it's only temporal.
Saying this and reading what you have written, I don't think you will leave. You will probably stay and a year from now, five years from now, you will be on a forum asking the same question.
Sorry, but that's my impression. I know you're in a miserable situation but you have to have the "gumption" to leave.
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One thing I don't lack is gumption, but I couldn't take my son. My wife is a good mother. I have no legal right to take my son, nor would my son want to leave.
 
There’s no point going through life being miserable. Maybe she thinks that you’re content with her ‘sibling’ attitude.

How long before your teenage son leaves home? Perhaps it’s time to get your finances arranged so you can go too. I wouldn’t suggest this if she was willing to talk with you.

Discuss leaving with her. If you feel she might me vindictive, don’t discuss it.
 

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