Should I try to get my husband's driver's license taken away?

The title was about getting your husband’s driver’s license taken away. Yes. If he seriously insures or kills someone, how would you feel?

You said you’re separated, is that a legal separation? If not, as Caroln suggested, you may have financial obligations that could affect you later.

WheatenLover said:
An MD can report him. But no one has done so.
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Go talk to his doctor. They probably have no idea that he is driving or anything else in his personal life. Take along some photos of that banged up car. They may not even talk to you since unless he’s with you.

senior chef said:
If I was in your situation I'd be asking myself, "What if he killed a young mother and 3 children in a head-on crash ?" And, if that happened how would I feel ? To my way of thinking, nothing else matters. Not his feelings. Not his beloved books. Not his independance.
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This is exactly what you should be asking yourself.

If the doctor doesn’t want to remove his license at least have them notify the drivers’ testing office.

Don’t delay.

If he loses his license and still drives, then have something disconnected in the engine. Just warn any local mechanics not to go there to fix it.
 

Sounds like there's a lot more going on there than just a Mr.Magoo issue.
I'd start with his insurance company, call and ask if there's any recourse from that end, then I'd move onto DMV, pictures of the bashed up car maybe helpful...if you have any financial liability in this matter my first step would be to remove myself.
 
Once someone is killed, then it's too late to say "I wish......" From your post it sounds like he's a danger once he gets behind the wheel. Even small damage to a car takes time and a lot of money to get it fixed. So the most minor fender bender winds up being a big inconvenience for someone else. At worst, severely injuring or killing someone becomes an eternal heartbreak for not one but two families (maybe more, according to who's in the vehicles).

Asking someone to give up driving is a very hard thing to do because almost always, one will find vehement resistance. But if it will save a life, it will have been worth it. Perhaps you and your children can get together and try to gently broach the subject (these days people can "meet" via Zoom, Facetime and other methods). In too many instances, the barn door gets shut after the horse escapes. Actions are taken to correct known problematic issues with drivers, roads, etc. after there's been a tragic death. I hope you and your family can convince your husband that it's time to stay off the roads and find a viable alternative.
 

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WheatenLover said:
...I was going to move to a state in which I have friends and family, where there is no snow, and buy a house. Then Covid happened and I got cancer.
... I just feel badly/guilty about being the only person there for him (in my minimal way) because he is so lonely, and so disabled and sick. I cannot imagine living in a world in which I had no friends to talk to. Having me and the kids seemed to fill his social tank. Now he just has me.
...I still think a lot of things in the Bible are important. Among them is "Love one another as I have loved you". (May be paraphrased). Nowhere does it says make sure to wait until one of the people loves you first. Nor does it say that this command is only talking about loving people who are just like you.

The big thing here is that I think that people are social creatures and are not meant to live their lives alone. So it seems to me that with my husband literally only being willing to have me spend time with him (since the triplets moved to CA and hate him), it would be unloving to leave him alone even though he is not interested in loving others as Jesus has loved him.

Frankly, I do not think my husband knows what love is, and I don't think he loves me (although he thinks he does). He is in this marriage for himself. Also since two of my kids are autistic, I think my husband is too. Once he asked me if I thought he was autistic too, and when I said yes, he refused to talk about it any longer. Which led to me thinking that he can't help being autistic or mentally ill (narcissism), so he should be treated in a loving manner since this was not his fault. Sometimes I think, even though in general people think I am very practical and have plenty of common sense, that maybe I am just smart but not in those ways.

But I do think that Jesus commandment is very important, whether or not one is a Christian.

OTOH, my kids think that I was an abused wife (by his narcissism) and am just programmed by him over the years to serve him. This despite the fact that the decisions I've made throughout our long marriage have to do with doing what was best for my kids, and trying to reason with my husband with provable facts, and lack of money.

Also I made plenty of mistakes in my life, despite thinking things through very carefully, that had deleterious effects upon my life. The pre-Covid plan to leave him was the first time I had the means via an inheritance to do so. I actually invited him to move with me, and he refused, saying that if I did that I would ruin his life. I was going to do it anyway. Time I stood up for myself and did something I had wanted to do for 30 years. My plan was to stop focusing on my mistakes since they were in the past, and move forward. These were big mistakes that changed the course of my life for the worse.
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There is a lot to read in this thread! A lot of members are concerned about you.
I will only address what you directed toward me in a post...

Yes, God wants us to love everyone as he loves us but remember, like an earthly father, even God allows for us his children, to experience natural consequences, not as a punishment but as teachable lessons. Without that you are enabling your husband to continue on his path of self-destruction where everyone hates him because he has no feelings for anyone, because he's selfish, feels entitled, can hurt others without a care, is proud, stubborn, selfish, and most importantly...has never shown love to one soul. His natural consequence is to be alone.
God does not want us to be a door mat!

Sychopaths have no feelings for others and never feel sorry about anything. They don't know love. I'm not saying your husband is that diagnosis as I'm not a professional but he needs to see a professional. God does not want you to put yourself in harms way in order to "love others who aren't like you". In fact, He says, if they won't listen, walk away. You are not trained to take this kind of person under your wing.

You said, people are meant to be social creatures and you feel sorry for him and guilty not to be there...Hon, he is not a social creature.

If he indeed has another type personality disorder...I think you mentioned autism...again, that's for the professionals. He will certainly get that analysis for free when he hits someone with his car and kills them....and will have plenty of time in jail to be away from all the people he hates. They will deliver his meals that he refuses to eat, and he'll have a bed that I'm sure he won't like.

Seriously, you've done all you can and God now wants you to be safe, and secure as you go through a most difficult time yourself. You're not safe in your husbands car. And according to your children he has abused you emotionally (I don't think they mentioned physically but they are both just as bad for you.)
 
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The main focus is on driving. From what I read he has health & mental issues that should be part of the overall help he needs. Getting his drivers license taken away while a good 1st. step doesn't address his overall needs.

Wheatenlover did mention removing his license wouldn't stop him from driving. Taking away the car would also be needed. And as another poster said if not legally separated she could be liable for whatever might happen.

IMO seeking help from medical professionals as a start point would the way to go. Addressing both his physical & mental needs should be enough to trigger removing his drivers license. How to get the car away so he won't drive might be the tricky part.
 
What State are you from @WheatenLover?

In PA, we can write to our State licensing agency. Family members can notify the SLA of their concerns. (e.g. PennDOT) Writing a detailed letter regarding your observations and the driver's specific medical impairments.

You can also get ahold of The Office of Aging. Someone can come out and evaluate him. If he would refuse to let them in for that, that person would call the police to help with entry to do their job.
 
Pepper said:
You are Not Correct. However, if she owns or co-owns car, that's a different story.
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In states that regard marital assets as community property- if he gets sued it's going to hit her pocket book too, unless she did a legal separation where a document is filed with the court declaring the separation, which entails also severing their financial responsibilities.
Example: When my ex-wife and I divorced a legal separation automatically went into effect. She decided to be vindictive and dump me off our auto insurance policy...without telling me. Before I continue I should point out that her doing that was contempt of court and a violation of the Standard Family Law Restraining order(Calif). When I discovered what she did, I told her that if I had gotten in an auto accident, she would be sharing the burden of any judgement coming our way. She was not too bright, especially since she worked at the Marshal's Office, in the civil division. <shrugs>
 
Nathan said:
In states that regard marital assets as community property- if he gets sued it's going to hit her pocket book too, unless she did a legal separation where a document is filed with the court declaring the separation, which entails also severing their financial responsibilities.
Example: When my ex-wife and I divorced a legal separation automatically went into effect. She decided to be vindictive and dump me off our auto insurance policy...without telling me. Before I continue I should point out that her doing that was contempt of court and a violation of the Standard Family Law Restraining order(Calif). When I discovered what she did, I told her that if I had gotten in an auto accident, she would be sharing the burden of any judgement coming our way. She was not too bright, especially since she worked at the Marshal's Office, in the civil division. <shrugs>
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Your ex wife dumped you off your auto insurance policy without telling you?
If that's the worst thing she did, consider yourself lucky.
 
caroln said:
Have you considered talking to him about moving to retirement housing? My sister was a manager at a senior apartment complex where one building was independent living and the other was for people no longer able to take care of themselves without help. They had various activities a person could join, areas for social gathering, and a van to take people shopping. It would keep him from being lonely and he wouldn't have to drive.
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I agree with caroln!
It's worth a try to suggest this.
 
First, talk with his Dr. & tell him everything you posted here, even take your kids for their backup. He can make out a form that he can send to the police or if this will come in, Dr's have a way to ask for their driver's licence to check something. Then they keep it.

If not of this works then talk to your sheriff or police in your area. Explain what you have said here. They can go & take his licence also.
Seen this happen to my wife Grandfather & a couple of other friends older parents.
 
mellowyellow said:
I don’t think people realize the consequences of having your driving licence taken away - your last link to independence has gone.
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Cars are killing machines used by unqualified drivers....especially if they don't care about others.
It's not exactly your last link to independence if you live somewhere where you can drive a golf cart.
 
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mellowyellow said:
I don’t think people realize the consequences of having your driving licence taken away - your last link to independence has gone.
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If you’re not capable of driving safely, no one else should be exposed to you behind the wheel.

I rarely drive, never at night. I walk or can take a bus or taxi.
 
ohioboy said:
Correct. If you own or have "custody and control" of a car, and you let a person drive it, as the OP describes, that is generally known as "Wrongful/negligent entrustment".
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I do not have custody and control of any car except my own. My daughter drives it, as I think it is unsafe for me to drive while undergoing the side effects of chemo and radiation treatment. I have not been able to drive at night for many decades. I know why, and it affects many people, so i'll try to find the website and add to this post after dinner. It has to do with headlights.
 
I also quit driving at night. The headlights coming at me looked like a big white ball of light, so I could not see the road or other cars. I know my limits on driving. If I have to go out at night, which is very seldom, I have friends that can take me.

I also know the day is coming soon where I won't be able to drive anymore. So I'll gladly give up my license before I hurt someone.
 
Nothing worse can happen to your husband than to kill a child in an accident. Having said that, it's really not your place to make this decision, since you are separated. It sounds like he may be having some mental health problems and is afraid of losing control. Is there any way to get him to a good geriatric counselor before something terrible happens?
 
Tom 86 said:
I also quit driving at night. The headlights coming at me looked like a big white ball of light, so I could not see the road or other cars. I know my limits on driving. If I have to go out at night, which is very seldom, I have friends that can take me.

I also know the day is coming soon where I won't be able to drive anymore. So I'll gladly give up my license before I hurt someone.
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There's always Uber in most places.
 
I have not had my name on any assets since I married my husband 33 years ago, until I bought a car in 2019. Even then, he offered to get it registered in PA in his name, ostensibly to save me the trip and the hassle. I had bought the car in Georgia. Of course, there was no way I was going to do that.

I have given a lot of thought to all of your advice. First, I am going to talk with his physician (who is also my physician). He may be required to report my husband to PennDOT as a medically impaired driver. My husband also has a neurologist and an ophthalmologist. I can't tell from PennDOT's list of mental and physical criteria whether or not my husband meets their standards for taking away his driver's license. These physicians must know, however. In as bad shape as he is in, medically, I cannot fathom that any right-thinking person would let him drive.

Second, since my husband refuses to do anything to improve his situation, which I have asked him to do for years, he must bear the consequences of losing his license. These improvements include moving to a one-story apartment, using a walker, using medical alert buttons to contact help when he falls, keeping his cell phone with him, fully charged, and so forth.

Essentially, what will have happened is what I warned him about: Suddenly being unable to function on his own, instead of preparing for that eventuality.

None of this is my fault, and it is not my responsibility to try to work around his refusal to help himself. In PA, there is no legal process or court order required to be separated. All a couple has to do is to stop cohabiting with one another. We are separated. I do want to get divorced, but I am waiting until my cancer treatment, and recovery from it, are done. That will be another very stressful time, as my husband will not be cooperative in any way.

Thank you all so very much for your help. I have no one else, except for you all, with whom I felt comfortable talking to about this. This is where I get into trouble with decision-making -- trying to figure out what to do without consulting anyone except myself. This despite the fact that I told my own children as they reached adulthood to consult a variety of people to get different points of view before making important decisions. Unless, of course, they were comfortable with the decision they were had decided upon. Comfortable is the wrong word -- in my mind, I call it a knowing. It's kind of airy fairy, I guess, but when that happens, I don't screw up.

You all are really great, and I am so appreciative of the time and thoughtfulness you have put into advising me.
 
WheatenLover said:
I have given a lot of thought to all of your advice. First, I am going to talk with his physician (who is also my physician). He may be required to report my husband to PennDOT as a medically impaired driver. My husband also has a neurologist and an ophthalmologist. I can't tell from PennDOT's list of mental and physical criteria whether or not my husband meets their standards for taking away his driver's license. These physicians must know, however. In as bad shape as he is in, medically, I cannot fathom that any right-thinking person would let him drive.
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Here is a good read for you regarding PennDOT...
PennDOT - Reporting of Medical Conditions

Yes, do talk to your physician about this situation and let him follow the proper protocol to get your husband reported to PennDOT. IMHO, he shouldn't be behind the wheel.
 
mellowyellow said:
I don’t think people realize the consequences of having your driving licence taken away - your last link to independence has gone.
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Absolutely! Not something to be taken lightly. But then neither are the lives of innocent people on the road. Its a really hard decision.

Had a neighbor lady a few years ago, she was still driving at age 95, and should not have been. After several accidents, none serious fortunately, her son took her car. She called the sheriff and reported him for car theft. That went no where the Sheriff seemed happy with the son's decision. However it lead to irreparable damage being done to her relationship with the son, she never forgave him. The son did see to it that she had a ride when and where ever she wanted, but that made little difference. I think he did the right thing, but it must have been hard...
 

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