Should I try to get my husband's driver's license taken away?

WheatenLover said:
I do not have custody and control of any car except my own. My daughter drives it, as I think it is unsafe for me to drive while undergoing the side effects of chemo and radiation treatment. I have not been able to drive at night for many decades. I know why, and it affects many people, so i'll try to find the website and add to this post after dinner. It has to do with headlights.
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WheatenLover, if your name is on the title of the car he is driving, get it taken off. And I hope you have a valid legal separation. Just "being separated" doesn't protect you from liability.
 

feywon said:
Well i've had failed marriages too. (Tho #1 died before i could afford to pay for divorce, and he refused to. ) The 2 divorces that followed were enough! While hindsight has brought me a humorous perspective on my own experiences, i empathize with others who've been down that road.
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For years I regarded my divorces as "failures", but I grew out of the judgemental mindset. They were certainly lessons learned, but each relationship played a part in leading me down the path of life. I've often thought "gosh if I had just...done/not done this or that...." my life undoubtedly would have been different. But, I like where I am.
 
Butterfly said:
WheatenLover, if your name is on the title of the car he is driving, get it taken off.
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Yes, probably.

But if your name is the only one on the title, @WheatenLover
then you could sell it.

If both names are on it, neither one cannot sell it, from what I understand.

I know it is not fully your responsibility,
but I am wishing and hoping that someone can remove the car, itself, at some point,
from his premises and his possession.
As you described him and his patterns, I assume he will drive it, even after his license is revoked, and that could still terribly harm others. The car needs to be taken away, not just the license, imo.

It sounds like you have made many very good decisions, @WheatenLover especially back in post 72....and in other posts of yours, too.
And it's very nice how you have thanked people here, for their ideas, advice , and support.:)
 
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Btw, it is not for the money, that I brought up to try to sell the car he is driving. (It's to get the car away from him)

And if it does get sold, it is up to any of you, as to what that money gets put toward. Perhaps he would let someone sell it, if he then got the money to use for rides or for something else.

My reason for mentioning possibly selling that car, is only to have it taken away from anyplace that he could drive it, because he is not a safe driver to be on the road.

His license being taken away, by notifying the doctors, who should notify the State, is an excellent step, but does not keep him from driving the car, if it is available and he still has a key, afterwards.
 
None of my business, but if I were pressed to answer, I'd say, Let him keep whatever dignity of manhood he has left.
No matter his age or condition, he is a man and deserved of the honor and respect of being a man.
But, You know best what to do. I don't.
 
WheatenLover said:
I have already decided to talk to his doctor so he can report it.

I have mentioned it to my husband as an inevitable event that will occur, due to his poor health. He refuses to make a plan that will solve some of his problems. He has never had foresight. And I mean never, since I married him and probably before, but I didn't notice while we were dating..

Few are 100% bad. He is a narcissist. He is a really good at charming person when he wants something from someone, such as clients who pay him money. Right now he is back to be charming to me when we talk on the phone -- but I know that scam already.

I got myself into this, though. A couple of days after I arrived, with the marriage date set for two days later, he told me he decided to send me home. I had moved 1400 miles away from home to a place I didn't want to live. I had quit my job - the only job I ever had that I loved (to this day) My replacement had been hired. I had sold my car and given away the contents of my household, except for my clothing. I had been accepted to grad school in the new location, I had flown my two cats to the city, and now they would be in the bowels of an airplane again. If I went back home, I would have to live with my mother, who was very abusive and just plain mean. Very controlling. If I didn't do everything she said, with very short time limits, she would kick me out.

So I spent a day re-packing my clothing and asked for a plane ticket. I had no money because I had just paid off my undergrad loans so I would not bring prior debt into the marriage. He said he had changed his mind. So I married him. I didn't see any way out. After 5 years of infertility treatment, and while setting my life up to divorce him, we decided to try IVF. There was a tiny chance I could get pregnant with one try, but I desperately wanted a child and figured this would be my last chance. The chance of me getting pregnant and having a life birth on the first try, according to the doctor, was .075%. Not a big risk unless you are me, as you shall see.

I ended up pregnant with triplets, and there was no way I could divorce, go home, work, and take care of 3 extremely premature babies. So I was stuck. After that, even though my husband helped some with the babies (except when he was at work which was a lot, and not at night because he need sleep to work, and not during daily racquetball and working out because to work he had to be in prime physical condition.

Things deteriorated from there. My parents were divorced, and I did not want to put my kids in daycare while I struggled to support them. My husband would not have paid alimony or child support. And he would have gotten away with it, just as he gets away with not paying taxes. He bankrupted on the first taxes and huge bills I didn't know about, and he just doesn't pay them now and that is why I file married, separately, because I have no control over the situation. I rarely had income over $5K since I was a stay at home mom.

When the boys were close to a year old, I noticed my abdomen was getting larger and thought it was a tumor. I called a physician friend of mine and asked her to refer me to an oncologist. She asked the symptoms and said I was pregnant. A singleton pregnancy is a lot different from a triplet pregnancy, so I had no idea. I told my husband and he said there was no way. I concurred, but asked him to get a pregnancy test anyway. He was pissed -- didn't want to waste $10. But he did it and I was pregnant. Neither of us remembered how that happened. He called our obstetrician and said it was an emergency to find out how far along I was. We could just see the newspaper story about a pair of highly educated professionals who didn't find out the wife was pregnant until she gave birth! Turned out I was 15 weeks along.

Mind you, I was huge during my triplet pregnancy even though I only gained 22 lbs. I was hospitalized for a long time, and had to wear 2 hospital gowns because one would not nearly cover me. I had horrible severe morning sickness the whole time, and finally the nurses had to give me a shot before each meal so I could keep food down. My friends would sneak in high calorie foods after my meals so I could gain weight. That plan did not work out. I had a liver disease related to the pregnancy which caused intense itching over most of my body 24/7, which was like being tortured for real. It disappeared immediately after I gave birth. I supposedly had gestational diabetes, but none of the 5 finger sticks I did each day showed any increase of blood sugar - it was always 80-100, no matter what I ate. The doctors did not agree with me.
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WheatenLover said:
Back to baby #4. I nicknamed the fetus Tumor Surprise. I was freaked out about how I was going to handle another baby. She is my lovely daughter. Also my doctors had told me I didn't have to use birth control because there was zero chance I could get pregnant naturally. So not only do we not recall the event that led to my having a daughter, we didn't even use birth control for it. Yet another rare event, unless you are me.

I am trying to stop beating myself up over my poor decisions. There is no point and it doesn't change a thing. I have a new philosophy of living in the now, which is working pretty well. Certainly it is better than ruminating over how stupid I have been.
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Butterfly said:
WheatenLover, if your name is on the title of the car he is driving, get it taken off. And I hope you have a valid legal separation. Just "being separated" doesn't protect you from liability.
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Nothing has been in my name during my entire marriage, except for the car I bought when my mother died, and her 2004 Honda CRV.
 
Kaila said:
Btw, it is not for the money, that I brought up to try to sell the car he is driving. (It's to get the car away from him)

And if it does get sold, it is up to any of you, as to what that money gets put toward. Perhaps he would let someone sell it, if he then got the money to use for rides or for something else.

My reason for mentioning possibly selling that car, is only to have it taken away from anyplace that he could drive it, because he is not a safe driver to be on the road.

His license being taken away, by notifying the doctors, who should notify the State, is an excellent step, but does not keep him from driving the car, if it is available and he still has a key, afterwards.
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He owns his car, all by himself. It is a 2009 car with 280,000 miles on it. Lincoln. I can't sell it since I'm not on the title.

I cannot go to his house. It hasn't been cleaned since I got cancer a year ago. It is infested with mice. He won't hire a maid, which I suggested he do before he gets the house exterminated. They will have to use a tent over the house to do it, he said. He won't hire an exterminator either. His house is a huge health hazard for me. My daughter won't go there because she hates him. My friends won't go there, citing the health hazard.

He has one set of keys. They are usually on him. After that, it's anybody's guess. I have spent plenty of time looking for keys in the past. I will not go over there now. I moved out for a reason -- my health. It was a joyous day. Prior to getting cancer, I was going to move to another state far away. Then Covid came, so I quit going to that city to look at houses.
 
Unfortunately taking his license may not stop him.... pull the fuel pump and or ignition fuse from the car and its dead in the water.
If your on a hill also pull the brake fuse... wont be able to put it in neutral and roll.
Cars disabled to him, But usable in seconds by those with the secret.
 
I somewhat agree, but the Title is in his name only,
and the vehicle is on his property too, in his possession, so trying to have someone tamper with it, is likely not a good idea.
(and not possible for the OP or other family)

Trying to find a simpler and less combative way to influence him to concede it, at some point, later on, by some "deal" that he feels/agrees is his best option at that point, might be the goal.

I also agree with @Gaer 's posted sentiments and viewpoint above, if only the results were not so terrible for others, :( who get hurt forever, and the innocent lives effected, such as those I have seen ruined, by going in that direction.:cry:

Perhaps, the idea I had, of the hope that he might cooperate, later on, when he sees his new limited options, might better address the point she raised, as well.
 
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Haven't read where his age was mentioned. Separated & with a daughter that hates him combined with the obvious mental issues & health only able to walk in inch increments.

Yet you show the kind of compassion & caring that isn't often found in your situation. I think you know what has to take place but IMO you feel guilty about taking the necessary action. Get over that and set yourself free from the ongoing worry.
 


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