Should I try to get my husband's driver's license taken away?

I have not had my name on any assets since I married my husband 33 years ago, until I bought a car in 2019. Even then, he offered to get it registered in PA in his name, ostensibly to save me the trip and the hassle. I had bought the car in Georgia. Of course, there was no way I was going to do that.

I have given a lot of thought to all of your advice. First, I am going to talk with his physician (who is also my physician). He may be required to report my husband to PennDOT as a medically impaired driver. My husband also has a neurologist and an ophthalmologist. I can't tell from PennDOT's list of mental and physical criteria whether or not my husband meets their standards for taking away his driver's license. These physicians must know, however. In as bad shape as he is in, medically, I cannot fathom that any right-thinking person would let him drive.

Second, since my husband refuses to do anything to improve his situation, which I have asked him to do for years, he must bear the consequences of losing his license. These improvements include moving to a one-story apartment, using a walker, using medical alert buttons to contact help when he falls, keeping his cell phone with him, fully charged, and so forth.

Essentially, what will have happened is what I warned him about: Suddenly being unable to function on his own, instead of preparing for that eventuality.

None of this is my fault, and it is not my responsibility to try to work around his refusal to help himself. In PA, there is no legal process or court order required to be separated. All a couple has to do is to stop cohabiting with one another. We are separated. I do want to get divorced, but I am waiting until my cancer treatment, and recovery from it, are done. That will be another very stressful time, as my husband will not be cooperative in any way.

Thank you all so very much for your help. I have no one else, except for you all, with whom I felt comfortable talking to about this. This is where I get into trouble with decision-making -- trying to figure out what to do without consulting anyone except myself. This despite the fact that I told my own children as they reached adulthood to consult a variety of people to get different points of view before making important decisions. Unless, of course, they were comfortable with the decision they were had decided upon. Comfortable is the wrong word -- in my mind, I call it a knowing. It's kind of airy fairy, I guess, but when that happens, I don't screw up.

You all are really great, and I am so appreciative of the time and thoughtfulness you have put into advising me.
One other thought. Be sure that you are not legally liable for any damage that your husband may cause. You've probably already thought of this or maybe someone else has suggested. I don't know the laws of PA, but you apparently know them well. Good luck with difficult situation.
 

He can't afford a driver. My daughter, who lives with me, hates him and refuses to help him in any way. I haven't driven since I got cancer because the chemo, surgery, and radiation have too many side effects to make it a safe option.

I am real strict about driving. I look at the cars around me and pretend the drivers are people I dearly love. As a direct result of that, no road rage or getting angry or impatient. And I've never been stopped by the police, and have had only one accident when someone ran a red light and hit my car. I try real hard not to hurt anyone with my car.
Like all 4 of my mom's kids, I also hated my mom - for good reason. But I felt sorry for my dad & they knew I couldn't afford to quit my job to chauffeur them, so they paid me. I also didn't want to face what would happen in the future when she forced him to drive - which she would & often did.
My mom was very difficult to deal with; she hired 9 drivers before I got the "Job." They all quit after 1 or 2 days; they couldn't stand her.
One woman quit without even telling her; she phoned me & said, "I quit after I drove her to lunch; I can't stand another minute; I almost left her at the restaurant. I don't even want to be paid for the day; just let her know I won't be back." I had to LOL.
 
Just a reminder...you are still married when you're separated. Be totally aware of your benefits and liabilities of being married to him. Apparently there are zero benefits. Understand the whole scope of it.

Call the American Cancer Society and talk to someone who can help you navigate this path you're now taking...with no help from your husband who is more of a vampire. Sorry to be so blunt but he is sucking the life out of you. Btw, is he you're only "friend"? Is that why you are continuing to be with him regularly?

You just can't have this at this time while battling cancer. Who is driving you to your Chemo appointments right now?

You need loving support. Can your children help you? You mentioned they hate their father, have wanted you to leave him, and are upset with you for staying with him. Are they willing to take you in? Or guide you through a move closer to them? Would they give you love and support if you left this "husband" of yours?

You have mentioned a few times that you have turned your back on God. Satan loves that news. It's totally up to you but I personally think you need God back in your life. if you agree...Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
 

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Just a reminder...you are still married when you're separated. Be totally aware of your benefits and liabilities of being married to him. Apparently there are zero benefits. Understand the whole scope of it.

Call the American Cancer Society and talk to someone who can help you navigate this path you're now taking...with no help from your husband who is more of a vampire. Sorry to be so blunt but he is sucking the life out of you. Btw, is he you're only "friend"? Is that why you are continuing to be with him regularly?

You just can't have this at this time while battling cancer. Who is driving you to your Chemo appointments right now?

You need loving support. Can your children help you? You mentioned they hate their father, have wanted you to leave him, and are upset with you for staying with him. Are they willing to take you in? Or guide you through a move closer to them? Would they give you love and support if you left this "husband" of yours?

You have mentioned a few times that you have turned your back on God. Satan loves that news. It's totally up to you but I personally think you need God back in your life. if you agree...Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
My daughter lives with me. She is a graduate student, getting her MS in Data Analytics. She drives me to my appointments, takes care of our dog, and everything else, pretty much. The things I do around here are but a shadow of what I could do before. My sons live in California.

I've had 7 months of weekly chemo, minus a few weeks when I was too sick to risk having it, and surgery. I am nearly done with radiation now. Most of my medical problems are due to side effects from chemo, which I hope to be completely recovered from by the end of May.

Here is a picture of my lovely daughter. What amazes me is how she can completely change the way she looks with makeup and different hairstyles. I said how about if I post 4 or 5 photos of you on Senior Forums and ask how many different people are pictured. She replied, Mom in some of those I am 17 or younger. You can post this one. I know I am bragging, but I can't help it. I am so proud of her!

The other picture I am posting is that of my triplets plus my daughter when they were quite young. BTW, I refer to my boys as triplets for brevity's sake. They found out they were triplets when they were in the first grade when their teacher referred to them as "the triplets". Of course they knew they were born on the same day, but I worked at treating them as individuals and didn't want them to be lumped in one label. They were so annoyed when they came home and told me about it. They told the teacher they were not triplets. They were each themselves.

The oldest one is 45 minutes older than his brothers, who are one minute apart. He immediately claimed his rightful position as the oldest, ie., the boss of everyone else. What a pain that was! His brothers were not fans of that attitude.

As far as the liabilities of being separated, but not divorced, I plan to consult with my lawyer soon about that. I don't want to dig a bigger hole for myself. I hope it's nothing bad because to say my husband will be unhappy if I divorce him is the tip of the iceberg. I'm not hinting that he will be violent, because he isn't. And right now, he couldn't be -- he would fall before any violence was completed.

I have plenty of friends and family who are supportive of me. It's just that I don't spend a lot of time talking about my husband because I live in a small place full of gossipy people. Total strangers will find out my last name, via introductions, and say, oh, your husband is the one who .... He has done a lot of amazing good for people as part of his job, at which he is excellent. No one is all bad, and I don't want to paint him that way.

As far as being a Christian goes, I don't believe, for myself, that is the only path one can take.

PS My daughter experiment with the little V in her eyebrow. I liked it, but she didn't, so she doesn't have it any more.
 

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@WheatenLover said in part "I refer to my boys as triplets for brevity's sake. They found out they were triplets when they were in the first grade when their teacher referred to them as "the triplets". Of course they knew they were born on the same day, but I worked at treating them as individuals and didn't want them to be lumped in one label."
Lots of respect for doing that, i did it with my boys, mirror image(different hand dominance, hair swirls in opposite direction on the crown of their head) twins born less than 5 minutes apart. The hardest thing was getting relatives and teachers to do the same. Many people did not realize till they saw the boys together. Had one neighbor in an Apt complex when they were 4-5 yrs old who thought i had 1 hyperactive boy who couldn't make up his mind about what clothes to wear, because i always dressed them different.

From their infancy when relatives gifted matching clothes i'd take photos of them dressed in the clothes as a 'thank you' but mention that the photo is probably the last time they will wear the identical clothes at same time. One of my BILs and his wife caught on immediately and would send same style overalls but in very different colors. My MIL had visited when they were just 2 months old and while i don't recall talking to her about it i think she figured it out by how i dressed them on daily basis.
 
Off topic but if you have Netflix & your daughter is into makeup then maybe the Show Glow Up would interest her.
 
Wow Wheaton Lover, I'm proud of your daughter too and I'm not even her mother!...not because of how pretty she is on the outside, which she absolutely is, but because she is beautiful on the inside too. She is there for you!!

And I'm surprised to hear that your husband has a good side that people appreciated. I had not idea. Great to hear!

And by all means, it's your choice for the path you choose. I was very clear to say totally your choice in my post when you had shared your path change. All's well. And Be Well....take care. Have a good day today☺️
 
@WheatenLover said in part "I refer to my boys as triplets for brevity's sake. They found out they were triplets when they were in the first grade when their teacher referred to them as "the triplets". Of course they knew they were born on the same day, but I worked at treating them as individuals and didn't want them to be lumped in one label."
Lots of respect for doing that, i did it with my boys, mirror image(different hand dominance, hair swirls in opposite direction on the crown of their head) twins born less than 5 minutes apart. The hardest thing was getting relatives and teachers to do the same. Many people did not realize till they saw the boys together. Had one neighbor in an Apt complex when they were 4-5 yrs old who thought i had 1 hyperactive boy who couldn't make up his mind about what clothes to wear, because i always dressed them different.

From their infancy when relatives gifted matching clothes i'd take photos of them dressed in the clothes as a 'thank you' but mention that the photo is probably the last time they will wear the identical clothes at same time. One of my BILs and his wife caught on immediately and would send same style overalls but in very different colors. My MIL had visited when they were just 2 months old and while i don't recall talking to her about it i think she figured it out by how i dressed them on daily basis.
My boys are not identical, but nearly everyone thought they were. People would think I had identical quads, too, because my daughter was soon as tall as the boys were. I'd tell them nope, one of them doesn't have a *****. (I got such a kick out of saying that!) I was a stickler for using correct terms for body parts. So what did the boys say (they were young)... That's true, we waited for her ***** to grow and it never did!

We had problems in public places. People would crowd us, hollering questions ... not just a few folks, upwards of 40 or 50. This, even before my daughter was born and the quad people took over as she grew taller. It was alarming. We started taking friends with us so we could separate the kids, because it drove me nuts with anxiety. People got so close in these crowds that I was afraid someone would either transmit a disease to them or grab one of them (because I had plenty of kids and they didn't have any).

Plus, even when the kids were old enough to understand the questions, people would ask me which one was smart, which one was athletic, etc. The answer was they all are!

We lived next door to our neighbors, who had 4 grown kids -- twins and 2 others that were a year older or younger than the twins. Another next door neighbor's house had a small fire started by lightning. Of course, the adults went outside, including me. The next door neighbors with 4 kids then asked me if I was running a daycare center! We had been living there for 6 years by that time. The kids were always outside, even on weekends. Who runs a 24=hour daycare center for the same kids, year after year??? That was the first time (and the last) that these neighbors spoke to me. I got that question a lot in grocery stores, too. Along with why do you have your kids on leashes. Well, smart guy or gal, it's so they won't suddenly jump in front of a moving car and get killed. I was lucky because even without "leashes" my kids always behaved exceedingly well in public. It was because I told them if they didn't, we would leave. Yes, even with a full cart left behind.

When they were in undergrad, all 4 of my kids were sitting at a table in the cafeteria. This guy (a friend of each of theirs, separately) came up to the table and said, "I didn't know you all knew each other!" Boy was he surprised to find out they were siblings. My kids got such a kick out of that.

Okay, enough of my making a short story long!
 
And I'm surprised to hear that your husband has a good side that people appreciated. I had not idea. Great to hear!
Yes, they were his clients, and he did very well by them. He is absolutely a fantastic member of his profession. His results over decades prove that. Often, he did what others in his profession thought was impossible ... with integrity, hard work, ingenuity, and for the benefit of society.

Mostly, people are not either good or bad. I wish my children would see that. Instead, I am accused of defending people who have done something bad (even decades in the past), despite their being mostly good people. And I am not talking bad like serial killers or sex offenders ...just bad like voting in favor of a war long ago, so they are forever tainted by that. I am sure that people, in general, are not either "horrible people" or saints in the making, including everyone I know, including me.
 
A Very diffilcult decision for you , and your not married to him anymore, but your children are asking for your help and advise....
But I really would not get Involved to be honest.....
Has he not got a partner “ ?
 
What adorable children you have!
Your daughter is a real beauty.
Thank you! I want to post a couple more pictures of her, if and when she'll let me. While I was at it, I asked her not to come on these forums to read my posts, and she agreed. She actually has little interest in "senior" forums. Too busy on TikTok. She doesn't always look like a math nerd (as she calls herself). She is definitely not a one-trick pony. I still can't believe this is the girl I raised, who hated math all the way through high school!
 
A Very diffilcult decision for you , and your not married to him anymore, but your children are asking for your help and advise....
But I really would not get Involved to be honest.....
Has he not got a partner “ ?
We are married, but separated since last December. He has not got a partner either way. Both of us are not ones cheat on our spouse, whether we are separated or not. And this is another good thing about my husband, he is not one to stray, flirt, or anything else that fits into that category. And I am not one to be jealous if he did flirt.

Just as an aside, i do not care what other people do when they are separated. This is their business, and it does not effect my opinion of them. Certainly I've had many friends who handled that kind of situation differently than we do. Just a matter of timing before the divorce. In general, I don't think either position is wrong. I don't even know why I take the position I do -- it's just the way I am *about myself*.

Anyway, I am involved because I don't want him to hurt someone, or kill them, in a car wreck. And in my life with him, he has shown very little inclination to engage in foresight. Hence, why he won't move into a town where some transportation is available, use a walker, not climb steps, and other ways to prevent falls. Not Lyft or Uber though, although I heard about someone local who drives for Uber once a week.

I have literally provided 99.99% of the foresight in this marriage, all of which (I am not kidding) has been ignored. It can't have been easy for him as the anti-foresight person, to live with someone who has it and gets maximally frustrated when it is not met with agreement. It seems so obvious to me, but not to him. On big issues that effect my family, I hope for the best, and plan for the worst if I have any control over it at all.
 
My boys are not identical, but nearly everyone thought they were. People would think I had identical quads, too, because my daughter was soon as tall as the boys were. I'd tell them nope, one of them doesn't have a *****. (I got such a kick out of saying that!) I was a stickler for using correct terms for body parts. So what did the boys say (they were young)... That's true, we waited for her ***** to grow and it never did!

We had problems in public places. People would crowd us, hollering questions ... not just a few folks, upwards of 40 or 50. This, even before my daughter was born and the quad people took over as she grew taller. It was alarming. We started taking friends with us so we could separate the kids, because it drove me nuts with anxiety. People got so close in these crowds that I was afraid someone would either transmit a disease to them or grab one of them (because I had plenty of kids and they didn't have any).

Plus, even when the kids were old enough to understand the questions, people would ask me which one was smart, which one was athletic, etc. The answer was they all are!

We lived next door to our neighbors, who had 4 grown kids -- twins and 2 others that were a year older or younger than the twins. Another next door neighbor's house had a small fire started by lightning. Of course, the adults went outside, including me. The next door neighbors with 4 kids then asked me if I was running a daycare center! We had been living there for 6 years by that time. The kids were always outside, even on weekends. Who runs a 24=hour daycare center for the same kids, year after year??? That was the first time (and the last) that these neighbors spoke to me. I got that question a lot in grocery stores, too. Along with why do you have your kids on leashes. Well, smart guy or gal, it's so they won't suddenly jump in front of a moving car and get killed. I was lucky because even without "leashes" my kids always behaved exceedingly well in public. It was because I told them if they didn't, we would leave. Yes, even with a full cart left behind.

When they were in undergrad, all 4 of my kids were sitting at a table in the cafeteria. This guy (a friend of each of theirs, separately) came up to the table and said, "I didn't know you all knew each other!" Boy was he surprised to find out they were siblings. My kids got such a kick out of that.

Okay, enough of my making a short story long!
Ok, we had very similar parenting styles. Mine was modeled more after my Dad's than Mom. He was much more consistent and sensible. I also used correct terms for body parts, would leave wherever if they weren't behaving. They learned very quickly i didn't make idle threats, 1 calm but firm warning about unacceptable behavior and they'd straighten right up, it seemed to shock observers and sometimes elderly folks would compliment me on their behavior. I make a point of doing the same and while i always thank anyone who holds a door for me in public places, i'm a bit mor enthusiastic about it when it's clearly a minor. My kids always held store doors for people, but few acknowledged with so much as a nod -- usually elderly people and pregnant women.
 
I suspect that you regard my multiple divorces as amusing. That would be # 2.
Well i've had failed marriages too. (Tho #1 died before i could afford to pay for divorce, and he refused to. ) The 2 divorces that followed were enough! While hindsight has brought me a humorous perspective on my own experiences, i empathize with others who've been down that road.
 
We are married, but separated since last December. He has not got a partner either way. Both of us are not ones cheat on our spouse, whether we are separated or not. And this is another good thing about my husband, he is not one to stray, flirt, or anything else that fits into that category. And I am not one to be jealous if he did flirt.

Just as an aside, i do not care what other people do when they are separated. This is their business, and it does not effect my opinion of them. Certainly I've had many friends who handled that kind of situation differently than we do. Just a matter of timing before the divorce. In general, I don't think either position is wrong. I don't even know why I take the position I do -- it's just the way I am *about myself*.

Anyway, I am involved because I don't want him to hurt someone, or kill them, in a car wreck. And in my life with him, he has shown very little inclination to engage in foresight. Hence, why he won't move into a town where some transportation is available, use a walker, not climb steps, and other ways to prevent falls. Not Lyft or Uber though, although I heard about someone local who drives for Uber once a week.

I have literally provided 99.99% of the foresight in this marriage, all of which (I am not kidding) has been ignored. It can't have been easy for him as the anti-foresight person, to live with someone who has it and gets maximally frustrated when it is not met with agreement. It seems so obvious to me, but not to him. On big issues that effect my family, I hope for the best, and plan for the worst if I have any control over it at all.
Wheaten Lover, you sound to me very much like my daughter who, while she is now separated from her husband, still cares about his welfare. In her words -"Mum, he is not a bad person, just a sh*tty husband".

I can offer you no advice but know that I admire your integrity and concern for the needs of other family members. Just remember to care for yourself as well. 🤗
 
Hello WheatenLover, you appear to me a kind and compassionate person and I admire your regard for your husband although separated. But the time for your own self care is due.

You have to think of getting well and you also have to think of your lovely daughter and sons and their grief should they lose you to something that can be avoided. I believe in your heart you know what you must do, so do it. Bonne chance!
 
An MD can report him. But no one has done so.
If you're that concerned about his safety and the safety of other innocent people...call the police yourself and report it. That way they can keep an eye on him and take care of it. Instead of expecting the doctor to do it. If he can't live alone without a vehicle then perhaps calling the dept of aging and see if there are any options to get him placed somewhere safer. Good luck. And don't ride with him.
 
I have already decided to talk to his doctor so he can report it.

I have mentioned it to my husband as an inevitable event that will occur, due to his poor health. He refuses to make a plan that will solve some of his problems. He has never had foresight. And I mean never, since I married him and probably before, but I didn't notice while we were dating..
Wheaten Lover, you sound to me very much like my daughter who, while she is now separated from her husband, still cares about his welfare. In her words -"Mum, he is not a bad person, just a sh*tty husband".

I can offer you no advice but know that I admire your integrity and concern for the needs of other family members. Just remember to care for yourself as well. 🤗
Few are 100% bad. He is a narcissist. He is a really good at charming person when he wants something from someone, such as clients who pay him money. Right now he is back to be charming to me when we talk on the phone -- but I know that scam already.

I got myself into this, though. A couple of days after I arrived, with the marriage date set for two days later, he told me he decided to send me home. I had moved 1400 miles away from home to a place I didn't want to live. I had quit my job - the only job I ever had that I loved (to this day) My replacement had been hired. I had sold my car and given away the contents of my household, except for my clothing. I had been accepted to grad school in the new location, I had flown my two cats to the city, and now they would be in the bowels of an airplane again. If I went back home, I would have to live with my mother, who was very abusive and just plain mean. Very controlling. If I didn't do everything she said, with very short time limits, she would kick me out.

So I spent a day re-packing my clothing and asked for a plane ticket. I had no money because I had just paid off my undergrad loans so I would not bring prior debt into the marriage. He said he had changed his mind. So I married him. I didn't see any way out. After 5 years of infertility treatment, and while setting my life up to divorce him, we decided to try IVF. There was a tiny chance I could get pregnant with one try, but I desperately wanted a child and figured this would be my last chance. The chance of me getting pregnant and having a life birth on the first try, according to the doctor, was .075%. Not a big risk unless you are me, as you shall see.

I ended up pregnant with triplets, and there was no way I could divorce, go home, work, and take care of 3 extremely premature babies. So I was stuck. After that, even though my husband helped some with the babies (except when he was at work which was a lot, and not at night because he need sleep to work, and not during daily racquetball and working out because to work he had to be in prime physical condition.

Things deteriorated from there. My parents were divorced, and I did not want to put my kids in daycare while I struggled to support them. My husband would not have paid alimony or child support. And he would have gotten away with it, just as he gets away with not paying taxes. He bankrupted on the first taxes and huge bills I didn't know about, and he just doesn't pay them now and that is why I file married, separately, because I have no control over the situation. I rarely had income over $5K since I was a stay at home mom.

When the boys were close to a year old, I noticed my abdomen was getting larger and thought it was a tumor. I called a physician friend of mine and asked her to refer me to an oncologist. She asked the symptoms and said I was pregnant. A singleton pregnancy is a lot different from a triplet pregnancy, so I had no idea. I told my husband and he said there was no way. I concurred, but asked him to get a pregnancy test anyway. He was pissed -- didn't want to waste $10. But he did it and I was pregnant. Neither of us remembered how that happened. He called our obstetrician and said it was an emergency to find out how far along I was. We could just see the newspaper story about a pair of highly educated professionals who didn't find out the wife was pregnant until she gave birth! Turned out I was 15 weeks along.

Mind you, I was huge during my triplet pregnancy even though I only gained 22 lbs. I was hospitalized for a long time, and had to wear 2 hospital gowns because one would not nearly cover me. I had horrible severe morning sickness the whole time, and finally the nurses had to give me a shot before each meal so I could keep food down. My friends would sneak in high calorie foods after my meals so I could gain weight. That plan did not work out. I had a liver disease related to the pregnancy which caused intense itching over most of my body 24/7, which was like being tortured for real. It disappeared immediately after I gave birth. I supposedly had gestational diabetes, but none of the 5 finger sticks I did each day showed any increase of blood sugar - it was always 80-100, no matter what I ate.

Back to baby #4. I nicknamed the fetus Tumor Surprise. I was freaked out about how I was going to handle another baby. She is my lovely daughter. Also my doctors had told me I didn't have to use birth control because there was zero chance I could get pregnant naturally. So not only do we not recall the event that led to my having a daughter, we didn't even use birth control for it. Yet another rare event, unless you are me.

I am trying to stop beating myself up over my poor decisions. There is no point and it doesn't change a thing. I have a new philosophy of living in the now, which is working pretty well. Certainly it is better than ruminating over how stupid I have been.
 
You aren't stupid, Wheaton Lover. Always believe in yourself.
Start looking after yourself. I don't know your age but you have a future.
As you build that future make sure that you look after yourself.

What your husband chooses to do is probably out of your control.
Remember the Serenity Prayer and remind yourself often of the wisdom contained therein.
It doesn't matter whether you are a believer in God or not.
Just believe in yourself. Always.

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