Not that anyone is asking

I’m having a hard time sleeping lately because I keep thinking about how Paxton’s life sucks at age 3 and it isn’t ever gonna get any better, and he didn’t do anything whatsoever to deserve it. So I’m sitting here watching YouTube videos but they’re not sinking in cuz I’m trying to think what else can I do or what else can I think about so I don’t lose my freaking mind over the crap that’s happening to this poor little boy who loves me and depends on me when there's nothing I can do. Plus, I gotta sleep at some point just for my own health, so I gotta think of something that’ll help me relax, you know?

And it dawned on me; there she is, right in the next room, sleeping like a beautiful princess. And so I started thinking about when we “dated.” Back when everyone was scared to death of covid and afraid to get too close to people or be in the same room with each other, we did this sort of dating thing – like she’d cook or I’d go get some food and we’d meet out at one of the picnic tables, I’d set her plate down here and then set mine down over there, about 6 feet away – and we did this for like 4 weeks, or 6 weeks, something like that. It felt like a freaking year, and the anticipation was mounting, you know? Anticipation was building up and my mind was like, When is this thing gonna happen? Plus I was in that vulnerable age group, so while I’m sanitizing the take-out bags I’m asking myself am I even gonna live that long? I finally meet a woman who totally seems like Miss Right; am I gonna die before I even get to kiss her?

So after 5 or 6 weeks of that – I’m pretty sure it was about 6 weeks – she’s not sick, I’m not sick, we’re not hanging out with other people, and we’re following all the rules, so I meet her out at our table and I said “I’m gonna go get us some Chinese…would you like to come with me?”

And she said “Yes.”

So there we were, in the same car, sitting closer together than we ever had before, feeling all brave and unguarded. We didn’t even wear our masks. Totally threw caution to the wind. And just before I closed the car door for her I told her "I'm going to kiss you." So I’m driving along and we're talking, and after about 3 blocks she said “Weren't you going to kiss me?” And I go, “Yeah, but I can’t do it while I’m driving. I’m just waiting for a red light.”

So, being a man of my word, soon as we hit a red light, I laid one on her. A nice one, too. Not too wet, not too dry, not too, too long. A nice one. And at first I was all jazzed because she smiled afterward, but then she didn’t say anything for a while. And I get a little uncomfortable when they go quiet. When they talk too much, that’s a story for another time. But she went quiet, so I started questioning myself, you know? Watching the road, wondering is everything ok? Did I mess up? Was that too brave for the covid rea?

And then she said the cutest thing…kinda quiet, almost shy, she said “Here comes another red light” with a big ol' smile on her face.

That's when I knew, this has got to be the one. This is her! So that’s what I’m thinking about now. And now, Good Night.
 

Devi said:
That was beautiful, @Murrmurr — thanks for sharing. I'm very happy for you two. ❤️
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terry123 said:
Me too!
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It's a silly story and when I read through it before I hit post, I thought "Eh. Maybe you had to be there." But I hit post anyway (and no apologies).

But I like it because that whole "dating" period felt really old-school, like no touching, no making out....you know, the the kind of dates your mother thought you were on.
 
Not a day goes by that I don’t think about Paxton. Sometimes it hits me hard and I get emotional. It’s difficult to put into words how sad I am for him and how much I miss him. I worry about his future All The Time. If I had confidence in his mother’s character, I wouldn’t feel like this. If I felt she could protect and guide him successfully into adulthood and beyond, I would be nothing but happy for him, and it would be a whole lot easier to let go. But that just isn’t the case here.

If she gets custody, and that’s all but certain at this point, I will file a request with the court asking that CPS contact me if Paxton ever goes back into the system. Aside from that, all I can do is hope his mother's attitude and outlook have indeed changed, because I don’t want him to be in and out of foster care his whole childhood. The way the foster care system deals with troubled kids is grim, to say the least.

I'm trying to focus on other things, but like I said, Paxton is always on my mind. Thank goodness for Michelle. She nudges but never pushes me. Of all the things about her that I'm thankful for, right now I appreciate that the most.

I'm gonna leave in a few minutes; going to visit Paxton's grandmother, Jackie.
 
So at the CFT meeting last month, when it was my turn to talk I was interrupted not even a full sentence in, and because of a few words I used, I am now considered "dangerous if left alone with Paxton". I can only visit him with supervision, and only at the county visitors center.

For my contribution to the meeting I wanted to use an example of Paxton's ability for conceptual thinking and his understanding of nuance. His ability for conceptual thinking is easily at the level of a 5 year old. And the reason I wanted to discuss this is because his caseworker is refusing to arrange psychotherapy for him, or at least a family counselor. She said he's too young to benefit, which is ridiculous. He's old enough to have depression, anxiety, and abandonment issues. And my point was going to be that he's mature enough to benefit from counseling. (there are kids as young as 18months in psychotherapy and counseling, and benefiting from it)

What I said at the meeting was, "Paxton told me he doesn't want to live with his mother, so I explained to him that mommy is sick, and she's...." and 3 people stopped me right there; the caseworker, a therapist (for snake's sake!), and the moderator. So there it is, an incomplete sentence hanging out there with absolutely no context whatsoever, leaving an impression. I'm pretty sure it was the word "sick" that made them slam on the breaks, because they forgot I was talking to a 3yr-old. From their perspective, the word "sick" has another connotation besides "being ill" or "unwell".

The day Paxton told me he didn't want to live with his mom, I knew it was partly because he felt rejected by her. (the abuse sure wasn't helping) So I told him mom was sick, and some people were taking care of her right then, and that's the only reason he was living with a different family. I told him his mom loves him, but they would have to live apart until she got well and healthy. And he understood. He understood every word, and that was my whole point. You have to use age-appropriate language, like the word "sick", but Paxton totally gets what you're saying, always.

Anyway, now I'm a "dangerous contact" because I might fill Pax's simple little head with bad stuff about mommy.

Fortunately, the last time I saw him I told him to stop worrying about me and all the crap going on around him, that none of it is his fault, and to just have fun. Every Day.
 
terry123 said:
So sorry, Murr. Will keep praying for you and him!
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Thank you, Terry.

I filed a grievance letter with Amador Social Services, for what that's worth. I don't expect anything will come of it, but the caseworker will get a copy and I'm glad for that. At best, it will prompt her to have a civil conversation with me....at best. I asked for one in the letter. I even offered to buy her a coffee (if we talk in person).
 
For better or worse, Tara is his mother and that's what family reunification is all about. Some of us get cursed at birth; others blessed, but no matter which it is, that's the luck of the draw. That's part of their family reunification procedures.

If it seems a miracle that many of us survive mentally, that's because it is. Old English law that the family is sacrosanct, each family run as kind of individual 'kingdoms', and some kingdoms exist in the third world.
 
Pepper said:
For better or worse, Tara is his mother and that's what family reunification is all about. Some of us get cursed at birth; others blessed, but no matter which it is, that's the luck of the draw. That's part of their family reunification procedures.

If it seems a miracle that many of us survive mentally, that's because it is. Old English law that the family is sacrosanct, each family run as kind of individual 'kingdoms', and some kingdoms exist in the third world.
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I'd been telling myself that (the bit in bold) and that's why, at the meeting, I decided to focus on Paxton's need for therapy. He needs help accepting and coping with the hand he's been dealt, the worker knows that, and she's been dragging her feet for months while he gets more depressed and confused and forms his own little ideas about it all, like that life is bad because he did something bad.

So what's got me totally bent outta shape now is that they shut me up right at the point where what I said was obviously misconstrued as "dangerous talk" and it always will be because I wasn't allowed to say another word. That's a violation here in Calif (within the realm of CFT meetings), so that's why I sent the grievance.

Yeah, it'll be a miracle if Paxton grows up to be a fine upstanding citizen and good man. That breaks my heart. And not just for Paxton, but also the millions of other kids like him.
 
Murrmurr said:
A promontory on the pacific coast called Bodega Head is where my life took a bad turn. Me and a dive-buddy just finished checking out this deep freshwater pond situated just inland from Campbell Cove. I’m not sure that pond has an official name but people in the area call it The Hole in the Head. Some guys working there thought we were going to dive it and asked if we had a permit, which we didn’t but that wasn’t the plan anyway, so we crossed the peninsula over to the west shore of Bodega Head and that’s where it happened. I stepped out onto a sturdy rocky shelf to find the best way down to the shoreline and saw it would be a tricky hike so I put on my wetsuit bc it was better than carrying it. Then I stepped back out even farther just to check again which was really stupid bc there was s strong gusty wind up there, and that was literally my downfall.

I might have posted about this somewhere already but this is a diary, so not only might I repeat myself sometimes, sometimes I won’t use spell check and the grammar and punctuation software. But I’m sure nobody feels pressured to read diaries so, yeah, sometimes I won’t bother with that stuff.

So anyway, I had a few non-life-threatening spine fractures, and bone shards got stuck in some lumbar and thoracic nerve roots, and my spine shifted out of alignment a few degrees here and there. Moreover, my liver was busted up a bit and some of the contents of my stomach splashed out onto the rock I landed on. Not a good scene. I had surgery and that fixed me up adequately and I healed fast and went back to work in less than 2 months but I had to take it easy for another month. But years along, when I started having severe back pain, my new doctor saw bone shards still in there, along with the misalignment being increased by a significant degree but I didn’t have the second surgery until about 5 years go when it was ok (and kind of imperative) for me to retire.
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Oh My Gosh!!!!! I am so sorry that adventure took a really bad and costly turn! I hope you enjoy retirement, this board is a good place.
 
Pepper said:
Frank I am so happy you have Michelle to help you through this mess. You've got a loving heart my friend.
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I feel bad putting her through it with me. I used to go in the bathroom whenever I'd think about it too much, and see his little face in my mind and all that; I used to go in there so Michelle wouldn't see me be all torn up about it, but she made me stop doing that. She said something like "don't run to the bathroom, you run to my arms!" And she's right. It's a much better idea. :)
 
fancicoffee13 said:
Oh My Gosh!!!!! I am so sorry that adventure took a really bad and costly turn! I hope you enjoy retirement, this board is a good place.
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Took me a year to recover from that fall, including several months of grueling physical therapy. But my doctors said they expected recovery to take at least 18 months to 2 years, so I was lucky.

I am enjoying my retirement, thanks, Fancy.
 
RFW said:
In my experience, CPS tends to lean towards the mother. To the extreme at times. I sympathize with you.
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Thanks RFdub. Paxton, the little boy I'm talking about was my foster son. He was placed here when he was just shy of a month old, and returned to mom when he was a little over 2 1/2 years old. Eight months later, CPS took him again, but they were in a different county so he was placed with a family there. The mom is/was a drug addict but she was also abusing him. At first CPS was going to place Paxton (and his younger twin siblings) up for adoption, but they changed their minds a couple months ago. Why, I don't know. It's crazy.

Paxton and the twins have been with the current foster family since June 2021. Their mother's final trial will be in about 6 months. I used to get Paxton every weekend because everyone agreed it was good for him, but the mom put a stop to that several weeks ago. She got mad at me, so the heck with what Paxton needed, you know?
 
Murrmurr said:
Thanks RFdub. Paxton, the little boy I'm talking about was my foster son. He was placed here when he was just shy of a month old, and returned to mom when he was a little over 2 1/2 years old. Eight months later, CPS took him again, but they were in a different county so he was placed with a family there. The mom is/was a drug addict but she was also abusing him. At first CPS was going to place Paxton (and his younger twin siblings) up for adoption, but they changed their minds a couple months ago. Why, I don't know. It's crazy.

Paxton and the twins have been with the current foster family since June 2021. Their mother's final trial will be in about 6 months. I used to get Paxton every weekend because everyone agreed it was good for him, but the mom put a stop to that several weeks ago. She got mad at me, so the heck with what Paxton needed, you know?
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Nine times out of ten I respond to a domestic disturbance, kids are present at the scene and they always look visibly scared and confused. I saw it all too often and these was only so much I could do. I can't imagine what it's like now where I used to work.

RFdub sounds like it should be my new moniker.
 
Murrmurr said:
Yes they should because of my history with him. They don't know him.
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I had been going to suggest you write a letter, so am glad you did. It's worth a try, for any possible positive outcome.

On another aspect, a Play Therapist would be very helpful for him, and I would think it would not be difficult to document its appropriateness and effectiveness, with children his age. (while those at that meeting did not comprehend the value of even talk therapy, for young children)

Also its important, for everyone, that you take care of yourself, too.
 
Kaila said:
Also its important, for everyone, that you take care of yourself, too.
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My appetite is a bit better, and Michelle always insists I eat after she gets home, too. She's sure that the more you eat, the more your appetite grows. Not sure if that's true, but I have stopped losing weight and even gained back almost 10 pounds, which is really good. I'm starting to sleep better, too.

This will pass, this whole sh!t-show with CPS and all, I just need to do a better job handling the stress and worry. Worrying about Paxton's future is the worst part because of the stuff I can imagine will happen. I've got to let that go. Gotta stop trying to see it. The chips will fall where they fall and worrying isn't going to change that.

Thanks, Kaila!
 

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