Not that anyone is asking

[Murrmurr]

Date for trial isn't set yet, but CPS will definitely request reunification - returning the kids to their mother - and the judge has already said s/he finds just cause for that request.

I sent the caseworker an email explaining in detail why I oppose reunification, so she'll probably "forget to" send me a link to the Child-Family Team meeting (on Zoom).

I'll worry about Paxton, of course. But he's learned some good coping skills - or I should say he's learned that poor coping skills don't get the desired results, only very temporary ones and sometimes bad ones. He's been damaged emotionally, no question about that, but he's a sharp kid who has always given a lot of thought to the crap that's been thrown at him; breaks it down, examines it, assesses it...from a kid's perspective, but still, I believe he's capable of dealing pretty well with the challenges he'll face.

 

[dobielvr]

Date for trial isn't set yet, but CPS will definitely request reunification - returning the kids to their mother - and the judge has already said s/he finds just cause for that request.

I sent the caseworker an email explaining in detail why I oppose reunification, so she'll probably "forget to" send me a link to the Child-Family Team meeting (on Zoom).

I'll worry about Paxton, of course. But he's learned some good coping skills - or I should say he's learned that poor coping skills don't get the desired results, only very temporary ones and sometimes bad ones. He's been damaged emotionally, no question about that, but he's a sharp kid who has always given a lot of thought to the crap that's been thrown at him; breaks it down, examines it, assesses it...from a kid's perspective, but still, I believe he's capable of dealing pretty well with the challenges he'll face.

I don't get it Murrmurr, how come they keep giving this woman (drug addict) all these chances?
Can't they see the damage that it's doing to these kids?

 

[Murrmurr]

I don't get it Murrmurr, how come they keep giving this woman (drug addict) all these chances?
Can't they see to these kids?

I've realized for sure this time they know the damage that it's doing but they don't want to change anything. idk if it's the funding or laziness or what. But yeah, they know they're cranking out kids with mental illness and personality disorders. All kids who enter the foster system get free mental health care for life. It ain't top-notch - on par with their parents' drug rehab - but you know, they gotta pay all the administrators and regulators a *fair* salary.

 

[dobielvr]

I've realized for sure this time they know the damage that it's doing but they don't want to change anything. idk if it's the funding or laziness or what. But yeah, they know they're cranking out kids with mental illness and personality disorders. All kids who enter the foster system get free mental health care for life. It ain't top-notch - on par with their parents' drug rehab - but you know, they gotta pay all the administrators and regulators a *fair* salary.

imo..it's probably both the funding and laziness.

May be it's time to revamp the system, where 'the kids come first' and not the administration.

 

[Jules]

Just speculating because I don’t know the system. Likely the staff have a series of priorities that they’re supposed to strive to achieve. Probably the number one goal is to keep the child/children with the natural parent. If they don’t do that, there will be an explanation required why they failed.

 

[Verisure]

A promontory on the pacific coast called Bodega Head is where my life took a bad turn. Me and a dive-buddy just finished checking out this deep freshwater pond situated just inland from Campbell Cove. I’m not sure that pond has an official name but people in the area call it The Hole in the Head. Some guys working there thought we were going to dive it and asked if we had a permit, which we didn’t but that wasn’t the plan anyway, so we crossed the peninsula over to the west shore of Bodega Head and that’s where it happened. I stepped out onto a sturdy rocky shelf to find the best way down to the shoreline and saw it would be a tricky hike so I put on my wetsuit bc it was better than carrying it. Then I stepped back out even farther just to check again which was really stupid bc there was s strong gusty wind up there, and that was literally my downfall.

I might have posted about this somewhere already but this is a diary, so not only might I repeat myself sometimes, sometimes I won’t use spell check and the grammar and punctuation software. But I’m sure nobody feels pressured to read diaries so, yeah, sometimes I won’t bother with that stuff.

So anyway, I had a few non-life-threatening spine fractures, and bone shards got stuck in some lumbar and thoracic nerve roots, and my spine shifted out of alignment a few degrees here and there. Moreover, my liver was busted up a bit and some of the contents of my stomach splashed out onto the rock I landed on. Not a good scene. I had surgery and that fixed me up adequately and I healed fast and went back to work in less than 2 months but I had to take it easy for another month. But years along, when I started having severe back pain, my new doctor saw bone shards still in there, along with the misalignment being increased by a significant degree but I didn’t have the second surgery until about 5 years go when it was ok (and kind of imperative) for me to retire.

I sometimes wonder how I'd cope (psychologically) with being blind or paralysed or limbless or hooked up to a machine. I like to think I'd adapt and make the best of it but I worry that I wouldn't do very well at all.

 

[Murrmurr]

I sometimes wonder how I'd cope (psychologically) with being blind or paralysed or limbless or hooked up to a machine. I like to think I'd adapt and make the best of it but I worry that I wouldn't do very well at all.

Yeah, if I'd have ended up like that after that fall, I'd have wished I died from it.

Fortunately, I knew (convinced myself) that I was capable of recovering, so I worked my ass off. And it was work, buddy, believe me. Interestingly, the harder it was, the more determined I got. Today, I'm not sure I'd be up to the challenge. That energy's been all used up.

 

[Murrmurr]

Just speculating because I don’t know the system. Likely the staff have a series of priorities that they’re supposed to strive to achieve. Probably the number one goal is to keep the child/children with the natural parent. If they don’t do that, there will be an explanation required why they failed.

You're right on the money, there.

California Family Courts cherish their reputation for reuniting families. Like all social service institutions here, Calif tax-payers can sit back with a warm, fuzzy feeling in their sun-shiny li'l hearts without ever having to look deeply into the actual problems or fret over the failed outcomes (and utter waste) of their state's great generosity.

 

[Verisure]

Yeah, if I'd have ended up like that after that fall, I'd have wished I died from it.

That's exactly what I am afraid would be my reaction.

Fortunately, I knew (convinced myself) that I was capable of recovering, so I worked my ass off. And it was work, buddy, believe me.

Only you can understand that. I don't know about the rest of us. And about "wishing to have died from it" I see people who are blind or paralysed getting on with their lives. How they feel about I don't know but it gives hope that life is worth it even under their circumstances. Also, are the severe alchoholics and addicts who slump down on the pavement with nothing to live for yet they don't want to die. There just has to be some lesson we all can learn from them?

 

[Murrmurr]

That's exactly what I am afraid would be my reaction.

Only you can understand that. I don't know about the rest of us. And about "wishing to have died from it" I see people who are blind or paralysed getting on with their lives. How they feel about I don't know but it gives hope that life is worth it even under their circumstances. Also, are the severe alchoholics and addicts who slump down on the pavement with nothing to live for yet they don't want to die. There just has to be some lesson we all can learn from them?

Very good points. Well taken, too, so I'll qualify after-the-fact and say the hooked up to a machine part would be my red line.

This makes me think of my 34 year old nephew. He worked for a total of maybe a year and a half his entire life. He has a slight deformity in his foot; a whole bone is missing. It's one of the small ones but has definitely affected his posture and how he walks, and that causes him a great deal of pain, but he let's it keep him unemployed. He won't look into a job or career that isn't physically taxing. It's a shame because he's a clever guy, and he's very personable.

 

[Verisure]

Very good points. Well taken, too, so I'll qualify after-the-fact and say the hooked up to a machine part would be my red line.

This makes me think of my 34 year old nephew. He worked for a total of maybe a year and a half his entire life. He has a slight deformity in his foot; a whole bone is missing. It's one of the small ones but has definitely affected his posture and how he walks, and that causes him a great deal of pain, but he let's it keep him unemployed. He won't look into a job or career that isn't physically taxing. It's a shame because he's a clever guy, and he's very personable.

We all carry some burden in life that only we understand.

 

[Murrmurr]

I got an email invite to the Child-Family Team meeting. It said it’s for Paxton and his little brother, Landon, so I guess there’s gonna be a separate meeting for his little sister. Or maybe they just couldn’t fit her name in, or they only need to name 2 kids. Anyway, the other people at the meeting will be their mother and father, Tara-caseworker, a child psychologist, their teachers, their foster mother, and their grandmother.

One of the topics of discussion will be concerns about Paxton’s weekend visits here. That's were I'll come in. The only concern I’m aware of is his mom is ticked-off because I said I didn’t want to have the twins on alternate weekends anymore. That was a couple months ago.

I tried having them here for a few weeks, and it was terrible. Mostly terrible for Paxton because, from his perspective, this is his home - this is where he lived from when he was less than a month old until he was almost 3 - so when I picked up the twins for their weekends it was like I was bringing them to his house, and leaving him behind. And that’s after he’d been spending almost every weekend here for over a year. There was a couple of months gap last year (thanks to another CPS worker), then it was reduced to every other weekend this year, but weekends at home with Unca Pwank was Paxton's thing, his usual routine.

And having the twins here was also terrible for me (and Michelle) because, aside from them calling me grandpa most of the time, because they didn’t even know me, the twins are monsters. Those kids are absolutely uncivilized, no exaggeration. I realize that most 2yr-olds are, if you allow it, but those two act like no one has ever even begun to train them. At all. And they’re 2-and-a-half.

Like, I’d say, “Would you like to take turns riding Paxton’s tricycle?” and they’d go all bug-eyed and bare their teeth and toss away whatever they had in their hands, whether it was a toy or a sandwich or a freaking glass of water, and just charge at it, flailing their arms, shoving each other in the face trying to get at it first. And of course it would be a tie, so they’d both grab the handlebars and have a tug-of-war with them, growling and shoving each other, and....jeeze, it was like being in the toy section at a Walmart while all the parents are on the other side of the store buying raw meat for these things.

The tricycle thing is just an example. They were animals most of the time. I had to put Landon in the time-out chair 2 to 4 times a day because he’s a vicious little sucker. And Zoey’s a screamer. When she doesn’t get her way, she screams with every bit of lung power she’s got. And you’d be surprised how much power is in those little sacs. I had to put the tricycle in the closet because the moment one got on it, the other would throw their stuff down and instantly attack, tooth and nail. Literally.

Anyway, for all the reasons above, I told Tara-caseworker I wasn’t gonna bring the twins home on alternate weekends anymore. The reason I gave was that it wasn’t beneficial to them, they weren’t really getting anything out of it because I was never a key player in their lives. Later that day she asked if I’d like to have Paxton every weekend, instead of every other weekend like we’d been doing for several months. Naturally, I said yes!

But then the twins cried once when I picked up Paxton, and Tara-mom was there and had a conniption and told the caseworker that she didn’t want Paxton to have weekends with me at all anymore, whining that it wasn’t fair.

But here’s my problem; for this meeting I need to find words to describe the twins’ behavior that aren’t inflammatory. I don't think I should use words like monster and uncivilized and Walmart. I need to get my point across with diplomacy, but I need to get it across accurately. Obviously, Tara-mom doesn’t give a rat’s heinie about Paxton’s feelings, so, even though I will mention that concern, I want my main input to be about how I’m too old and disabled to deal with feral children. But without the word feral.

So, if you're reading this, I’m taking suggestions. And I’m serious.

 

[Murrmurr]

I'm gonna try to sleep now.

 

[Pinky]

How convenient for Tara to use you as a babysitter for the twins. I thought that Paxton was supposed to be the focus. Nice that she farms them out so she could have a kid-free weekend. It's obvious she needs some educating on how to raise children. This is a case where the children should all be fostered, with an eye to being adopted. Tara is obviously not mother material.

 

[Murrmurr]

How convenient for Tara to use you as a babysitter for the twins. I thought that Paxton was supposed to be the focus. Nice that she farms them out so she could have a kid-free weekend. It's obvious she needs some educating on how to raise children. This is a case where the children should all be fostered, with an eye to being adopted. Tara is obviously not mother material.

I can't believe they're going for reunification again. She'll get her poor kids back in about 4 or 5 months.

Whatd'ya wanna bet she'll be bringing Paxton over here every weekend then?

I told CPS everything I know about their mother; the drinking (after rehab), drinking and then driving with the kids in the car, the physical and verbal abuse of Paxton, I even sent photos of him all bruised and scratched up. I told them about the physical fights between their mom and dad in front of the kids, and her little sex for drugs business while the father was in jail.

And STILL, she'll get to take them home. I don't get it. And you can multiply Paxton by hundreds of thousands of other kids in California. It's no wonder there's an "uptick" in violence and shootings and crap. I mean, duh!

 

[Murrmurr]

Ok, g'night. Probly.

 

[Pinky]

Hope you can get some sleep, Murr.

 

[hollydolly]

I wish I could give you advice Frank... but I wouldn't know where to start. When is this meeting due to take place ?

 

[terry123]

Hope you can get some sleep, Murr.

Me too.

 

[dobielvr]

Are these twins. you know...'monsters' and 'feral'...due to the fact that their mother gave birth to them while addicted?

Is that where their behavior comes from?

Gosh, I don't know what (nice) words you could use to describe them, so as not to make it sound so derogatory.

ETA...I hope everyone involved can come to a meeting of the minds.

 

[Kaila]

I would leave out, when you're in the meeting, that part you added above, that you are too old and disabled......
they can see that you are older, and they have paperwork on you.
And that doesn't help you to make the first most important point of emphasis, of yours, and of the meeting,
which is : that all you want is what benefits Paxton (so just focus on those points that relate to that!)

And side-line, if you need to add it, that it doesn't benefit the twins to visit you, because they are not bonded to you, like he is, and that it just takes away from the close bond Paxton does have with you...which is great for Paxton. He is the one of the 3, who clearly benefits a great deal from spending time with you. And he needs that continued stability and loving relationship with you. He'll develop better with it!

The 2nd point, of yours to make, is to appear that you ARE an excellent adult to care for Paxton, and that he should remain able to keep and continue that relationship, with you, long-term and in any situation, he's put into.
(Reminding them that you are older and less able, does not aid or support your making that impression and that point.)

Include, if it comes up, that you do support Paxton being able to have a relationship with his siblings, but not that they must be at everything he does or that all 3 must be together all of the time, or them having the exact same as he does in everything.
He benefits from some of his life being independent of them too. Especially in his visits at your home and his time with you.

Those are just quick ideas. I am too tired to re-check myself, to see if I am sure of my ideas or not, Or if I agree with myself or not.


Only use any of my input, if they fit for you!

 

[Kaila]

P.S. Yes, I agree that at the meeting, I would not use any of those descriptive words for the twins or even their type of behaviors, that you used to explain it in your post here.
If need be, if you are asked how they act toward or with him, then describe it in neutral words. Just say what they do. (His brother hits him or bites him, he's rougher than you've seen young children be...etc....)

 

[Murrmurr]

I wish I could give you advice Frank... but I wouldn't know where to start. When is this meeting due to take place ?

We were asked if the 14th or the 21st was best. I said the 14th because then maybe Pax and I could have Christmas together, but a key player said she was only available on the 21st. So I said I prefer the 14th, but I'm available both days.

The *key player* is the young lady who manages the visitors center, where I pick up Paxton, and she's commented a few times about how happy Paxton is to see me compared to when he sees his mom. She sees a lot, so her input is important to me.

 

[Murrmurr]

Hope you can get some sleep, Murr.

I got four solid hours this morning.

 

[Murrmurr]

Are these twins. you know...'monsters' and 'feral'...due to the fact that their mother gave birth to them while addicted?

Is that where their behavior comes from?

Gosh, I don't know what (nice) words you could use to describe them, so as not to make it sound so derogatory.

ETA...I hope everyone involved can come to a meeting of the minds.

Some of it is, but there isn't any severe damage. Like, no severe developmental delay, but I think it probably has effected their ability to control impulsive behavior. That doesn't mean they can't learn to control their behavior, they maybe just won't ever be able to control impulsive thinking, at least not without ongoing counseling.

Their mother only had the kids for 8 or 9 months. The twins were about 18 months old when she got custody, and Paxton was a little over 2 1/2 years old. I was and am friendly with the twins' first foster parents, and the foster mom struck me as way too permissive and not at all a disciplinarian. She and I had face-time sessions for the 3 kids a couple times a week for a few months, and it was obvious she just pretty much let the twins run wild. In fact, Paxton grew weary of the whole thing. He'd sit down and show them various toys and showed them how they worked, or he read them the books that he'd memorized pretty well, and they'd be on the other end just fighting and fussing and running around. Pax would totally light up whenever Landon paid attention, as he sometimes did, but mostly it wasn't very enjoyable for him. And it wore me out just watching them.

But to me it seems for the several months Tara-mom had them, she wasn't working on their behavior. And I'm sure she brought Paxton over here every weekend mainly to lighten her load. The father could see the issues the twins and he actually had some valid parenting strategies, but Tara wouldn't let him "intervene" in any way, always saying she was the expert. Ironic, right?