Not that anyone is asking

As usual, Paxton cried and held tight to my neck when I drop him off at his foster home. Yesterday his foster mom said, "Frank, you need to let CPS know that you'll take him. I see this every week, and it's heart-breaking. This child needs to be with you, Frank...it's so obvious you're his Daddy."

I almost started crying myself. CPS knows my history with Paxton but I don't remember ever coming right out and telling them I definitely want him if he isn't given back to his mother. So I sent the caseworker an email last night.

The foster mom did say he's doing really well at school; sings all the songs and dances the dances. And he's in the Excel Preschool because he knows his alphabet and numbers and shapes and all that. Most toddlers in the system didn't have someone teaching them that stuff.

But as I buckled Pax into his car seat yesterday, to take him "home", he put on a pouty face and said "I'm not going to be a Good Boy anymore." Man, that killed me in the worst way. It's like he was saying being a Good Boy isn't working because I still keep sending him back. He's as Good as Gold, and I still don't keep him. This is just messing him up so bad.

I told him he IS a Good Boy, and I love him, and I love him when he's good and I still love him when he isn't. But how do you explain to a 3yr-old that big ol', strong Dad has to obey a system that's totally messing him up, making him absolutely unhappy, causing him to just give up on being good cuz it ain't worth it? He thinks I'm complicit in this. And why wouldn't he? I just keep taking him back!

This is how monsters are made.
 
Murrmurr said:
As usual, Paxton cried and held tight to my neck when I drop him off at his foster home. Yesterday his foster mom said, "Frank, you need to let CPS know that you'll take him. I see this every week, and it's heart-breaking. This child needs to be with you, Frank...it's so obvious you're his Daddy."

I almost started crying myself. CPS knows my history with Paxton but I don't remember ever coming right out and telling them I definitely want him if he isn't given back to his mother. So I sent the caseworker an email last night.

The foster mom did say he's doing really well at school; sings all the songs and dances the dances. And he's in the Excel Preschool because he knows his alphabet and numbers and shapes and all that. Most toddlers in the system didn't have someone teaching them that stuff.

But as I buckled Pax into his car seat yesterday, to take him "home", he put on a pouty face and said "I'm not going to be a Good Boy anymore." Man, that killed me in the worst way. It's like he was saying being a Good Boy isn't working because I still keep sending him back. He's as Good as Gold, and I still don't keep him. This is just messing him up so bad.

I told him he IS a Good Boy, and I love him, and I love him when he's good and I still love him when he isn't. But how do you explain to a 3yr-old that big ol', strong Dad has to obey a system that's totally messing him up, making him absolutely unhappy, causing him to just give up on being good cuz it ain't worth it? He thinks I'm complicit in this. And why wouldn't he? I just keep taking him back!

This is how monsters are made.
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Oh my, the poor guy thinking his being good.....isn't worth it. What a crushing moment for you and him. 😢
 
dobielvr said:
Oh my, the poor guy thinking his being good.....isn't worth it. What a crushing moment for you and him. 😢
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Tore me up, seriously.

I'm def gonna talk to him about this next weekend. I keep explaining things as well as I can, but he's just too young to understand what's happening and why. Plus, I've always avoided saying anything bad about his mom. I'm trying to think of a way to help him understand that the responsibility lies with her without making her out to be a horrible person.

I'm not sure how to do that.
 
terry123 said:
Love you too Frank!
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Thank you, Terry. That actually makes me feel less lonely in all this. Michelle's very supportive, but she has work and school right now and I'd rather she focus on that. So when I talk to her about Paxton it's mostly just the more positive stuff.

I sent an email to the caseworker. She wrote back saying she'll keep it in mind but they're hoping to keep the 3 siblings together. We can't take all 3 until we're in a bigger house, and it's gotta have a large fenced yard.

I don't think they should keep them together. Paxton was not himself while all 3 of them were here. He was anxious, stressed, withdrawn; he didn't want to sing and dance, didn't want to ride his bike. I did get him to do stuff - we all played soccer and rode bikes and stuff - but it took a lot of encouragement. He's just really bummed around Landon. I had to put Landon in time-out 3 times for lunging at Paxton and clawing his face, and those were just the times he got that far. He spits at him, too. It's like he has total contempt for Paxton. I'm sure he picked that up from their mother.

I wrote back to the CW that, based on my experience with the family over the years, the twins should live separately but visit regularly. Like, if Paxton lived here then we could have Landon for overnight visits and some weekends (and Zoey, too, but at diff't times), and we could do that for years. I believe I can help the 2 boys accept and value each other as brothers, but it would take time. (which I'm willing to invest)

She probly won't listen, but I had to say it.

I also suggested counseling, especially for Landon. He has an explosive temper (like their bio-dad) and it's super obvious no one's working with him on that.
 
Update on Paxton's parents' trial.

The trial that will decide Paxton's fate (and his twin sibs, too, of course) was postponed for 6 months. That's probably because their dad is still in jail. His release date is the 15th of this month, so there are probably other reasons for moving the trial forward 6 long months. In my experience, family court does everything in 3 month intervals. I'm going to assume that their mother gave the judge a good sob-story...as usual. She always professes (whines) that she's the victim in all this, and California is very lenient toward victims (whiners).

Anyway, Paxton and his younger siblings will remain in their foster home for the next 6 months. The foster family are very good people, and the kids have grown very attached to them. That's a problem, because 6 months from now, they'll be even more attached.

The twins stared calling their foster mother "Mommy" within a month after placement. Paxton just recently started calling her "Mom". Last weekend he told me she IS his mom, and Tara (bio-mom) isn't. Plus he says his foster siblings are his brothers and sister and the foster parent's parents are Grandma and Grandpa. (He doesn't call the foster mother's husband "Daddy", though. He's clear on who his real father is, and won't give him up.)

The foster family love Paxton and the twins but the parents do not plan to adopt them, so even if the court terminates Tara's parental rights and the kids become available for adoption, 6 months from now they'll be taken from their foster family. That's gonna hit them like a ton of bricks.

(I feel like I already posted about this.)
 
So after Paxton’s mom, Tara, had a hissy fit last time I picked him up for his weekend visit, the caseworker, Tara, cancelled all his visits.

~To avoid confusion (and extra key-strokes), caseworker Tara will stay Tara but I’m gonna start calling Paxton’s mom Cun… uh, nah. Um, let’s go with ...Lucy. ;) ~

So anyway, Lucy jumped all over my case because the twins cried when I picked up Paxton a few Fridays ago, because they wanted to come, too. But I have to go by Tara’s decisions, and she had decided that I can only have the twins when their foster mom, Jen, needs me for Respite Care - when she needs some time off. And then I'd have all 3 kids. So I was trying to explain this to Lucy but she wasn’t having it; ears closed, mouth in full operation. She was a total dink about it, and just kept repeating “It’s not fair! It’s not fair!”

Well it was perfectly “fair” when she used to drop Paxton off here every weekend, and never even took the twins out of her car or even had them so much as wave hello and/or goodbye to ol’ Uncle Frank. But what-the-hell-ever. So, the twins didn’t know me from Ironman :)p) until Tara decided a while back that I was to take them on alternate weekends.

And it was perfectly fair that Paxton started self-harming and spiraled into depression over that.

See, in Paxton’s mind, my home is his home. His actual home. So when I was picking up the twins for their weekend visits, in his mind I was taking them home instead of him. And it caused real trauma, so I told Tara I wasn’t gonna do that anymore. And that’s when she said I could have Pax every weekend instead of every other weekend. See. she’d asked Jen about, and Jen said that, yes indeed, Paxton was very negatively affected every time I picked up the twins. He was self-harming, severely clawing at his own face and slapping himself; withdrawn, just sitting on their couch staring into space, sometimes for over an hour; depressed, and very emotional.

But apparently, Lucy figured that was fair.

Anyway, Paxton's weekend visits are now cancelled. At least until after the upcoming CFT meeting. CFT stands for Child and Family Team. As Paxton’s former foster dad, current part-time care-giver and honorary uncle, I’m on this team, and I will attend the meeting (via Zoom) unless Lucy says she doesn’t want me to and she has a good reason. But I doubt that Tara will think any reason Lucy gives at this point is good enough.

Tara is way late in scheduling a CFT meeting. It was supposed to happen back in October, and then another one every 90 days. But Tara’s been doing a sloppy job from day 1, so this isn’t surprising. Also, she told me that her decision to cancel Paxton’s weekend visits has nothing to do with Lucy saying it isn’t fair, and nothing to do with the twins or anything. Which is total BS. She just wanted to make her caseworker life easier.

Meanwhile, Jen says Paxton keeps asking “Where Unka Pwank? I go see Unka Pwank now?” 😟

May the Gods or Stars or Spirits calm his little heart. And mine.
 
I think the caseworker should be called 'Lucy' and Tara should be the original Tara, Paxton's mother. May I request a change? Thanks everso!
How about Tara 1 for mother; Tara 2 for caseworker.
No, no, don't change horses mid-stream!
 

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