Have You Ever Had A One Way Relationship?

[Ruthanne]

Please don't make me feel any stupider than I already feel with your replies but thanks in advance for them.

Have you ever had a relationship with someone where you do all the giving and get virtually nothing in return? I wasn't actually looking for much but friendship from this man. All of our conversations revolved around him and his health problems all the time. We did go out to dinner twice and once he paid and once I did. This friendship has been going on for about 5 years currently but I have known him for 50 years although we hadn't always been in contact.

I have listened and listened and listened and given empathy and understanding and suggestions at times but he never listens to suggestions nor does he have any answers to his problems and just keeps on bitching and moaning. I can hardly take listening anymore. I guess I'm just fed up because it's the same old crap all the time and nothing else. I have told him I can't listen to any more problems. Thanks for listening to me vent.

 

[hollydolly]

This guy is a Toxic friend, and I suspect you're holding onto him as a friend because you're lonely Ruthanne,

You're not getting anything out of this relationship.. no fun, no joy... he just wants a sounding board ...

I think you should ease off talking to him .. you need people who uplift you in a relationship or friendship... not someone who drags you down.

 

[oldpop]

I guess I have been on both sides of it. I have to be real careful about feeding into other peoples issues. I am a fixer and I do not like to leave anything broken. In the process of sincerely trying to help others I can drain my energy down to levels that can drag me down to places I have been and do not want to go again. The good thing is I know that about myself and can be on guard against letting it happen. It's not easy for me to do but I have to distance myself from such people/situations. I can and have been straight up honest with some people about it. Some have understood and some have not. Point is negativity is dangerous to me and I mean literally so I have to deal with it head on when it arises in my life. Like most things it is an ongoing learning process. Life can be a selfish process but that does not mean I have to step on others to reach my goals.

 

[Aunt Bea]

Yup!

“Don’t be silly. Loving is easy. It’s finding someone to love you back that’s hard.” - Sabrina Jeffries

 

[Ruthanne]

This guy is a Toxic friend, and I suspect you're holding onto him as a friend because you're lonely Ruthanne,

You're not getting anything out of this relationship.. no fun, no joy... he just wants a sounding board ...

I think you should ease off talking to him .. you need people who uplift you in a relationship or friendship... not someone who drags you down.

I agree, I don't care to keep it going. Too much of a downer for me. I've told him he can text me but I don't want to speak. He doesn't like texting so he doesn't much. He left a message on my phone answering and I did not call him back. I do need some uplifting and not so much negativity. Thanks.

 

[Ruthanne]

I guess I have been on both sides of it. I have to be real careful about feeding into other peoples issues. I am a fixer and I do not like to leave anything broken. In the process of sincerely trying to help others I can drain my energy down to levels that can drag me down to places I have been and do not want to go again. The good thing is I know that about myself and can be on guard against letting it happen. It's not easy for me to do but I have to distance myself from such people/situations. I can and have been straight up honest with some people about it. Some have understood and some have not. Point is negativity is dangerous to me and I mean literally so I have to deal with it head on when it arises in my life. Like most things it is an ongoing learning process. Life can be a selfish process but that does not mean I have to step on others to reach my goals.

Yes, being honest is the best thing.

 

[Ruthanne]

Yup!

“Don’t be silly. Loving is easy. It’s finding someone to love you back that’s hard.” - Sabrina Jeffries

I guess we've all been there at times.

 

[Lara]

1. A relationship of one is not a relationship. It's all about him.

2. There are "vampires" in the world who will suck the joy out of you.
I'm sure he's a nice man, just with self-absorbed issues, but you get my drift

3. You're doing the right thing to distance yourself. It's time for some "You"
because "You is kind, you is smart, you is important" (from "The Help")... Hugs

 

[Wren]

Maybe when younger but I wouldn’t bother with anybody like that, I can see how draining it would be, sounds like you’ve been more than patient Ruthanne, what’s in it for you ?

I would continue to distance myself, you deserve better x

 

[Ruthanne]

Maybe when younger but I wouldn’t bother with anybody like that, I can see how draining it would be, sounds like you’ve been more than patient Ruthanne, what’s in it for you ?

I would continue to distance myself, you deserve better x

I did question what's in this for me and that's why I told him what I did. I do think this can happen at any age.

 

[Alligatorob]

Have You Ever Had A One Way Relationship?

I think we all have, and from your posts it sounds like you are doing the right thing about it. Doesn't mean you have to end the relationship, just cut it back to something you can get some enjoyment out of. If that's not possible you might have to end it. Only you will know.

Advice on these things is much more easily given than followed, I understand that. I do think you are seeing things pretty clearly and will be fine. Hope so anyway!

 

[Ruthanne]

I think we all have, and from your posts it sounds like you are doing the right thing about it. Doesn't mean you have to end the relationship, just cut it back to something you can get some enjoyment out of. If that's not possible you might have to end it. Only you will know.

Advice on these things is much more easily given than followed, I understand that. I do think you are seeing things pretty clearly and will be fine. Hope so anyway!

Thanks, I see you understand where I'm coming from and it's most appreciated

 

[jujube]

This isn't a friend, it's an emotional vacuum cleaner. You've done what you can for him.......time to pull the plug.

 

[Ruthanne]

This isn't a friend, it's an emotional vacuum cleaner. You've done what you can for him.......time to pull the plug.

Well it has gone on a very long time and I guess I mistook that for friendship.

 

[Paco Dennis]

 

[officerripley]

What's hard about ending this kind of relationship is if they're family members, especially elderly parents that you're taking care of; then you're stuck in it, trust me.

 

[Ruthanne]

What's hard about ending this kind of relationship is if they're family members, especially elderly parents that you're taking care of; then you're stuck in it, trust me.

I understand. He's not family.

 

[fuzzybuddy]

I don't know how much of a Sad Sack this guy is. But being self- absorbed, asking for guidance and never taking advice is pretty much your average human being. To me, it sounds as though you want more from this relationship than this guy can deliver. Probably limiting your time with him is the best thing you can do for yourself.

 

[dobielvr]

Sounds like you've had enough.

You won't be able to grow if you keep staying there...

 

[Serenity4321]

Please don't make me feel any stupider than I already feel with your replies but thanks in advance for them.

Have you ever had a relationship with someone where you do all the giving and get virtually nothing in return? I wasn't actually looking for much but friendship from this man. All of our conversations revolved around him and his health problems all the time. We did go out to dinner twice and once he paid and once I did. This friendship has been going on for about 5 years currently but I have known him for 50 years although we hadn't always been in contact.

I have listened and listened and listened and given empathy and understanding and suggestions at times but he never listens to suggestions nor does he have any answers to his problems and just keeps on bitching and moaning. I can hardly take listening anymore. I guess I'm just fed up because it's the same old crap all the time and nothing else. I have told him I can't listen to any more problems. Thanks for listening to me vent.

Ruth ..no need to fell stupid..you are obviously a very caring, loving, empathetic person and that is a good thing. But you also might want to take care of yourself...I am curious. Have you ever told him what you told us?? He sounds pretty self-centered but perhaps it is worth trying to explain how you feel ..unless you already have and he did not comprehend or want to listen to how his behavior was affecting you. Still..I wonder how he would react. It might make a difference in the friendship if that is what you still want.

 

[Alligatorob]

Please don't make me feel any stupider than I already feel

You ain't stupid, in fact you seem just the opposite. Recognizing things for what they are is good.

 

[Nathan]

Well it has gone on a very long time and I guess I mistook that for friendship.

It can be difficult to assess and manage a friendship so as to maintain one that's balanced. Checking one's own needs and motivation for a friendship seems to be a full time job; evaluating the "friend" and their frame of mind is hit & miss, unless that friend also is putting the necessary work into friendship maintenance.

 

[Jeni]

It can be difficult to assess and manage a friendship so as to maintain one that's balanced. Checking one's own needs and motivation for a friendship seems to be a full time job; evaluating the "friend" and their frame of mind is hit & miss, unless that friend also is putting the necessary work into friendship maintenance.

I really like the term "friendship maintenance"

I have also gotten sucked in to this before ...
I now assess each friendship........ as i have grown tired of being the giver all the time ...
i used to think "be nice ...they are going through something "
but i would get to vent/ discuss my things the next time but the NEXT time never comes... make the break

It is stressful to make the break .... and sometimes when i am wanting a friend to chat with.... i almost fall back into the pattern and call my Toxic friend.

 

[Pinky]

Sounds like my 2nd marriage. It gets tiring after awhile. I hope you can make the break, as it takes its toll .. and it sounds like it already has. I've been through this with former female friends as well. Sometimes, you need to just walk away, for the sake of your own sanity.

 

[Lavinia]

It's surprising how many people are totally wrapped up in themselves, and see everything in relation to them. Being in a relationship with such a person is a complete waste of your energy and time.
I like the music of the BeeGees, but if you listen to the words of some of their songs, they do reflect that sort of one-way relationship...one giving and the other taking.