Is This Insane? (Send an apology letter to HS girlfriend)

I recall in the not too distant past when an old boyfriend showed up on my doorstep. To say I was surprised is a gross understatement and I asked him how he found me. He googled my son and that led him to me. I asked where his wife was and she had passed a few years prior to M.S. I was sorry to hear this as I liked her. He'd always been in touch with my family as my dad made him a millionaire. But, I was always on the go and so very out of touch. We had coffee and he invited me to go to Atlantic City with him. Well we had a great time, and continued to venture off to the Land of Gambling often. We saw a lot of shows, etc. He had had a heart transplant and was full of energy, but I found it difficult to keep up, so I called it quits. Fun while it lasted, but it
simply wasn't like old times. We got along this time around and that was a pleasant change. So, if your friend wants to chance it, let him write his letter. It might turn out rather well. Of course my husband had passed, so that was no obstacle. Perhaps, her mate would enjoy meeting one of her old flames. You never know.
 
I get the feeling that your friend still has feelings for this girlfriend of the past. Your friend may not even realize it nor want to face it. But it will all become clear if there is any phone or computer contact or she merely responds to his letter. It's not not a good sign.

Her husband, unless he's dumb as a rock, is going to pick up on the vibes and then all hell will break loose....especially if the husband is kind of a loser and your friend is a George Clooney type. Your friend needs to deal with his own natural consequences and leave his married former girlfriend alone.
 

Not quite the same but last year I ran into a couple of old girlfriends at my 50th (a year late) HS reunion. First time seeing them in 50 years, this was the first HS reunion I attended.

It was good to see them, and I think they appreciated seeing me. No lasting sparks or anything, just good seeing old friends. Nobody's spouses had an issue with it, good to meet them too.
 
Well, that is something the 12 Step people do. But they have an instruction, to redress wrongs, but not if it will make further problems.

I think the way to approach it would be from a spiritual point of view. Write a note saying that you are getting older and in reviewing your life, felt guilty about some of the wrong that you had done. And wanted to apologize for some of the wrong you had done.

Or, maybe find out who her minister is and approach the minister first. See if the minister thinks the contact is a good idea.


I have been abused and wronged by a lot of people. One of them did apologize to me, after many years. I have to say, that in my case, it did make a huge difference. I felt like people "got it" and I wasn't just a piece of trash to be thrown away.

But I would handle it very gently. And yeah, maybe approach the minister first.

You could even take it a little farther. And that would be to make a donation to some nice charity in the person's name. In addition to the gift being nice, it gives a context to the apology. Makes it look like a Christian, rather than an excuse to stalk the person....which would be the main concern. Stalkers don't make donations to the Red Cross... Or, you know, could ask what her favorite charity is and make the donation there.
 
Shalimar said:
Often the deepest wounds occur during adolescence. For some, they shape the rest of their lives. Perhaps a heartfelt apology might soothe these wounds, should they remain.
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So, if I understand you correctly, you believe that if he sends his letter of apology, he’s doing it only because he feels by sending a letter of apology, it will make “him” feel better? I would think if I was sending a letter of apology, my objective would be to have the other person feel better by making them aware that the things I did while we were together was wrong and I realize that I may have caused that person some emotional pain at the time, thus the reason I am sending you an apology. I think both of the people involved would gain from that type of letter. She gets her apology and he gets his satisfaction knowing he did the right thing by apologizing.
 
oldman said:
So, if I understand you correctly, you believe that if he sends his letter of apology, he’s doing it only because he feels by sending a letter of apology, it will make “him” feel better? I would think if I was sending a letter of apology, my objective would be to have the other person feel better by making them aware that the things I did while we were together was wrong and I realize that I may have caused that person some emotional pain at the time, thus the reason I am sending you an apology. I think both of the people involved would gain from that type of letter. She gets her apology and he gets his satisfaction knowing he did the right thing by apologizing.
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Perhaps my post lacked clarity. The point I was attempting to make was that the person who received the apology might also feel better. I agree that the desired outcome would involve both parties gaining some healing/closure/satisfaction as a result of the proffered apology.
 
Shalimar said:
Perhaps my post lacked clarity. The point I was attempting to make was that the person who received the apology might also feel better. I agree that the desired outcome would involve both parties gaining some healing/closure/satisfaction as a result of the proffered apology.
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Not to prolong this thread, but why do you suppose he would like to send a letter of apology after so many years?
 
oldman said:
Not to prolong this thread, but why do you suppose he would like to send a letter of apology after so many years?
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oldman said:
Not to prolong this thread, but why do you suppose he would like to send a letter of apology after so many years?
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Simplest answer would be a desire to make what restitution he could. Perhaps it took decades before he evolved enough to “man up“ to his treatment of his former girlfriend.
 
I've never had the urge to do that, and never expected a letter like that from any woman either. I think the need to send such a letter might be interesting to investigate. There's something going on under the surface. Saying you're sorry is not an amends. It's about changing your behavior. Saying you're sorry is not a change in behavior. Drunken spouses make a career out of that. But I have little to invest in here. I don't care what he does. I just think it would be a waste of time, but I might be wrong.
 
JustDave said:
I've never had the urge to do that, and never expected a letter like that from any woman either. I think the need to send such a letter might be interesting to investigate. There's something going on under the surface. Saying you're sorry is not an amends. It's about changing your behavior. Saying you're sorry is not a change in behavior. Drunken spouses make a career out of that. But I have little to invest in here. I don't care what he does. I just think it would be a waste of time, but I might be wrong.
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well changing his behaviour now.. isn't going to let the old girlfriend know he's sorry for what he did to her 50 years ago...
 
hollydolly said:
Guilty conscience !
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And what Shalimar said....restitution. I don't think it's all about him (in his mind) and what he'll get out of it. I think he was truly bad and he's truly sorry for what he did to her, how it affected her, how he made her feel about herself. I think he's hoping he can un-do even a fraction of the damage he believes he caused.
 
Murrmurr said:
And what Shalimar said....restitution. I don't think it's all about him (in his mind) and what he'll get out of it. I think he was truly bad and he's truly sorry for what he did to her, how it affected her, how he made her feel about herself. I think he's hoping he can un-do even a fraction of the damage he believes he caused.
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that's what I said in my first post...
 
Pepper said:
I wonder how horrible he actually was? What did he do @oldman?
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He never stated any specifics, except he did say once when they went to a dance he became so upset with her because she danced with another boy while he used the restroom that he left without her and forced her to find her own way home.
 
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