Envy.

[Gary O']

Took me a long time to find the courage to leave, and I regret that. Also took years of therapy and support groups and self help stuff for me to feel whole again.

Yeah, many take too long
They foster a false hope that 'he'll change'
It's a short life as it is
I really short one for those that don't survive
A much longer, painful one if they don't recognize the situation, muster the moxy, and seek help

 

[Della]

By comparison, I was rigidly controlled by my ex, not allowed to choose things for the house, or clothes for the kids or myself because “you have no taste.” Our lives were very uncertain because my ex kept getting fired or would unexpectedly quit so we were constantly moving to yet another rental house. It was unsettling and insecure.

Not for the first time, Ronni, I read something you've written and think we were married to the same first husband. He controlled the money so much that he would come to where I was working on pay day and have me sign my check over to him and that's the last I would ever see of it. I had 15 different jobs during that ten years because he kept starting and stopping. The reason for quitting was always the same, "They're all a**holes."

When he came home, before saying a word to me, he would look around and even run his finger over things looking for dust. I preferred to vacuum in the morning but I had to do it right before he was due home because he liked to see the tracks.

He was very good looking and after we were divorced several people told me they had envied me. If they only knew.

 

[Ronni]

Yeah, many take too long
They foster a false hope that 'he'll change'
It's a short life as it is
A much longer, painful one if you don't recognize the situation, muster the moxy, and seek help

Exactly.

He is a very charismatic, charming man when he wants to be. Abusive Personalities have that in common, it’s how they reel their victims in. If my ex, at the beginning of our relationship, treated me the way he ultimately came to, I would have run hard in the other direction! I was naive, but not stupid.

Like many victims, I mistakenly believed that the charming person was his true self, and the controlling, domineering, arrogant, derisive person was the anomaly, even as I tried to “do better” so I wouldn’t incur his wrath. It took me a long time to realize that the reverse was actually true. The charm is a facade, the abuser is who he is.

 

[Ronni]

Not for the first time, Ronni, I read something you've written and think we were married to the same first husband. He controlled the money so much that he would come to where I was working on pay day and have me sign my check over to him and that's the last I would ever see of it. I had 15 different jobs during that ten years because he kept starting and stopping. The reason for quitting was always the same, "They're all a**holes."

When he came home, before saying a word to me, he would look around and even run his finger over things looking for dust. I preferred to vacuum in the morning but I had to do it right before he was due home because he liked to see the tracks.

He was very good looking and after we were divorced several people told me they had envied me. If they only knew.

Yes! Same @Della, exactly the same!

My ex would say the same thing about employers….”I can’t work for them, they’re a**holes. They don’t deserve me” as I took on any job I could to be able to feed the family.

 

[Sunny]

I don't envy anyone for having anything. We never really know the inside story of someone else's life.

I've posted this before, but I think it's worth repeating. My doctor has a sign on the wall in his examining room, saying:

"Every person you meet is fighting a private war with something that you know nothing about. Be kind."

 

[fuzzybuddy]

Envy may have broken up my first relationship. When we met, she was making much more than me. But then, I got my license, and began making more than her. Our relationship immediately changed. We broke up. Whenever we meet, she is always competitive that whatever she has is better, bigger, etc. than mine. It didn't matter to me, but I was struck how much it mattered to her.

 

[MarciKS]

@MarciKS that's exactly what it was. Thanks for understanding.

I’m not, and never have been, an envious person by nature. I don’t covet THINGS. I have no interest in or desire to “keep up with the Joneses” or want to accumulate stuff jist so that I can say “I have the latest or most expensive X”

I envied my SIL’s freedom, the fact that she COULD decorate any way she wanted, that she could come and go as she pleased, have what she wanted within their means, had a husband who was committed to providing for his family so that she has certainty about where their next meal was coming from and security for her future.

By comparison, I was rigidly controlled by my ex, not allowed to choose things for the house, or clothes for the kids or myself because “you have no taste.” Our lives were very uncertain because my ex kept getting fired or would unexpectedly quit so we were constantly moving to yet another rental house. It was unsettling and insecure.

I have not been where you are but I've been in a similar situation so I totally understand that. I'm just glad you have found Ron and happiness.

 

[Bella]

I don't envy people for what they have or begrudge them for having it. Envy is a waste of time. It can't change anything and does no one any good. I'm content with what I have and feel fortunate to have it.

I've been on the other side of envy, being envied, and I don't like it. I've been envied because I had something that other friends didn't have but wanted very badly and, for the life of them, couldn't get. It wasn't for material possessions. My husband and I were envied because of our relationship with one another by couples who didn't get along. Since his untimely passing, I don't have to deal with it anymore. I believe there are a few who are secretly glad that I've lost him.

Bella