Etiquette/manners. Do's and don'ts. What you prefer.

Holly, It was a person who produced for the BBC. (Don't ask how I got in contact with them, its a very very long story). :)
 

I would never discourage good manners in any way although, I never demand it. I am British to the core when it comes to good etiquette. However, times are changing. Many Brits are definitely not as polite as they used to be many years ago, and, a lot of it depends where in the UK one resides and the type of education received.
I went to a posh finishing school and athough I am not a la-di-da type of person, it’s good for every aspect of life having those “manners” tucked under my belt. I feel at home wherever I am, be it in a pub or a ballroom, and, I try not to judge anyone on my own personal standards.
 
The world is changing. Many Millennials and Gen Xers like to wear caps. Our niece's fiance is a wonderful, well-mannered, polite young man (22 y/o I think). He wears a Newsboy hat. I think it may be to cover a severely receding hairline, but I also think he thinks it looks cool. I would never question him if he wore it in a restaurant.

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dseag2 said:
The world is changing. Many Millennials and Gen Xers like to wear caps. Our niece's fiance is a wonderful, well-mannered, polite young man (22 y/o I think). He wears a Newsboy hat. I think it may be to cover a severely receding hairline, but I also think he thinks it looks cool. I would never question him if he wore it in a restaurant.

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I bought many of those for my husband when he lost hair to chemo. I thought he looked quite handsome and made him feel so much better!! I never thought about him taking it off when we were out and about. I think they are attractive and not an insult to wear, women wear many hats, scarfs and turbans, it is not expected for them to be removed. Often they are wearing them for the same reason.
 
chic said:
My brother is always opening car doors for me and I find it so irritating. I don't need him to do that. I can get in and out by myself and he is doing it just to be seen by others as acting like a gentleman. But he will leave me and SIL weighed down by heavy grocery bundles, or whatever, and will not lift a finger to help. But when we approach that car door - zoom. He's there to open it. Sometimes he makes me want to scream, he's such a hypocrite. He treats women like cattle. 😖
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In fairness cattle can't open doors or gates themselves can they(?)! :)
 
When I lived in one country, people would make a big deal of greeting. They'd compliment you on your appearance, ask about your family, etc.

In another country, people would make a big deal out of seeing you off. (I was told this was because in the past, you never knew if or when you'd see someone again.) If you were leaving their home, they would always walk you to the door.

Both customs made me feel good. A big change from Canada, where you're lucky to get a grunted "hi" or "bye."

Some years later, when my Canadian boyfriend was going out, I walked him to the door. He gave me a weird look, and rudely asked me what I was doing.

So if someone thinks something is polite because of their upbringing, or for some other reason, I try to accept graciously.

If a man wants to open a door or pull out my chair for me, I think that's nicer than ignoring my existence. A little help and attention, why not?

As for men wearing a hat at the table, who cares, as long as the hat isn't poking me in the eye or something.
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I was raised to ALWAYS open doors, pull out chairs, for women. Also, to ALWAYS put my body between danger and her. Like for example when walking in the city and a group of toughs is partially blocking the sidewalk.
At one time, when walking in the street, it was customary for the gentleman to walk nearest the street while she walked further from the street. This kept women from being splashed by mud and a horses 'mess'. This clanged somewhat when cars become common and thugs were standing in the shadows.

In classy/expensive restaurants, it is traditional for women to be seated first, so that she is facing the restaurant patrons and HE is facing ONLY HER. The employee who shows the couple to their table, traditionally slides the small deuce out and away so she may sit facing the crowd, When she is seated, the employee then slides the table back in place so he may sit.

I don't date anymore , but if I did, and a woman complained about my good manners, THAT would be the last time I ever dated her.
 
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Bella said:
Clearly, despite the definitions of "politeness" and "manners," they mean different things to different people. What I'm talking about has nothing to do with hats.
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Fair enough. Then please share what you consider "politeness and manners"? What does that mean to you?
 
To me there's a difference between proper etiquette and good manners. I think of etiquette as all those rules about which fork to use and when to wear a hat and good manners as a more organic thing based on kindness.

In Chic's example her brother is displaying proper etiquette with the door opening, but bad manners by ignoring the fact that his sisters are carrying heavy loads.

When living in England, I noticed that the British were very big on the etiquette part, with lots of attention on how to use the knife and fork, but not always so great on the manners part. (Holly being one of the good exceptions I'm sure.) I sat through many a restaurant meal being stared at because I tend to eat most of my meal with my left hand in my lap. There may not be an etiquette rule about watching a woman eat, but it felt like bad manners to me. There's a joke about how many, "thank yous" it takes for the British to pay the bus driver (they thank the driver for opening the door and even thank the driver for telling them how much,) but then England is the only place I've been where I would say, "hello" to people and get a blank stare back. Friendliness is more of a virtue to Americans and it over-laps into what we call good manners.

Some people confuse formality with manners. One time we went out to dinner with two other couples to the base NCO club. Mike wore a suit and tie, John wore slacks and a sweater, my husband wore jeans and a sweatshirt.
Somewhere during the evening Mike's wife said her husband was the best dressed man there. I was a little offended on behalf of the other two men so I said, "No, John is the best dressed. Mike is overdressed, my husband it under-dressed and John is best dressed because, if you look around, you'll see all the other men in slacks and sweaters. So that's the appropriate (and best) dress for this club."
 
chic said:
My brother is always opening car doors for me and I find it so irritating. I don't need him to do that. I can get in and out by myself and he is doing it just to be seen by others as acting like a gentleman. But he will leave me and SIL weighed down by heavy grocery bundles, or whatever, and will not lift a finger to help. But when we approach that car door - zoom. He's there to open it. Sometimes he makes me want to scream, he's such a hypocrite. He treats women like cattle. 😖
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Wow! men who treat women badly should have a cattle prod shoved up their ass, there is no excuse for behaving badly.
 
Blessed said:
Yep, I don't need to have the door opened, my chair pulled out. I loved my husband very much but he was not any help bringing in the groceries or taking out the trash.

My son was always ready and willing to bring in, unload the groceries. Even now if he is here he will take out the trash and drag the cans to the curb on trash day. Little grandson, only 9, is happy to help. Good thing, it is harder to get normal things done.
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What's wrong with helping out and opening the door for people should the opportunity arrive. It's about being courteous to your neighbor and the people around you. Maybe people don't care about that anymore?
 
hollydolly said:
I feel I do.... good manners were instilled into us as children, and I did the same with mine.

What about you ?
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Same here, as a preacher's kid I learned the easiest way to make friends and impress people was to demonstrate etiquette, good manners and class. With these three traits I've earned the trust and respect of my peers and associates.
 
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