Sorry you are feeling this way.
I'll probably never take another solo, long distance vacation. I really hope you can find another musician or other musicians to gig with. What have you done to try to find them?
It's not that I'm depressed... which is how it came across. I'm not. I'm just disappointed. These are things that are out of my control. I'm still
semi-strong. I'm energetic. I have my faculties. My age is just a number right now (to me). I can still do a lot, but there's no opportunities.
As far as a gig - I've answered many ads for musicians. I've had things set up and at the last minute something happens (not with me - with the other guys) and it all falls apart. It's like the universe said "no". I've talked
a lot to a girl vocalist (that I
really want to work with) but she keeps stringing me along like I wanted to date her or something. She keeps saying yes, but it never happens. Every time I set something up there's always something that
comes up. I have songs written and am ready to record - but I can't make it happen.
My wife is pretty much just a room-mate these days. No romance or intimacy anymore, and now there's illness involved. Not too much in the way of talk anymore either. And due to my own health concerns I can't drink or
party anymore. I have to avoid certain foods that I love. I am originally from California and I don't think I'll ever get back to see "General Sherman" or Mount Shasta, or fish the Pescadero river. Way too expensive for me these days. Add to that all my friends are dropping like flies, so most of the people I associate with are younger than me. So now there's a lot of alone time.
I aged way faster than I thought I would. One day I woke up and it was like life said, "Okay, we'll be doing this now." I'm like, "okay".