OMG, The People Down Stairs. He Was Raging. The Woman Was Outside On The Ground.

[Beezer]

On Canada Day years ago, I was walking along the sidewalk downtown and heard these screams (which were not festive).

I opened the door to this building and there was this huge guy on top of a crying woman in the stairwell. I asked her if she was okay and she tearfully replied, "Just get him off of me."

Not sure what to do, I waited on the sidewalk just outside. Then the door flew open and this enraged gorilla on drugs came charging towards me!

Flight or fight??

Strangely, I did neither. I just stood there with my arms folded. He came right up an inch to my face and called me every name in the book. While this was going on, the gal slinked out the door and ran away.

Yeah. I took the spit in the face. But I just knew instinctively if I fought back or ran I was dead. This guy was a muscle-bound giant. But however my gut told me to handle the situation in that moment worked out. The gal got away, and I lived to tell this story. lol!

 

[Shalimar]

She left him and was gone for months. That must mean that she has someplace else to stay. Now she's back. You can't help but wonder why. She stays or comes back because she loves him, and he's sorry. He loves her. He promises to change. This is often how the domestic abuse scenario replays repeatedly.

Remy, I know you're upset. It's horrible to witness any type of abuse and be powerless to stop it, but without the woman being willing to do anything to help herself, there's not much you can do. You were kind, and you did what you could by checking to see if she was okay and by offering her money to get away. I understand why you're hesitant to call the police. Being older and alone, you're an easy target. It's not like you can get in your car and drive away from the scene. You live above this abuser. If you report him, he might threaten you. Even if you were to call the police, it's unlikely that the woman will ever press charges. As Jules said, they might arrest him anyway. Would it cool him off? Maybe, momentarily. Or it could make him even angrier. These leopards don't change their spots because they've been thrown in the cooler.

There's nothing wrong with standing up for yourself or for someone else, but it might not always be the best choice. Whether you're in the right, attempting to confront angry, violent, or crazy people can be dangerous. You never know what someone will do or if they will physically harm you. If you decide to confront someone, you could be taking your life into your hands. It has nothing to do with being brave enough to do so. It's being smart enough not to. These days, people shoot at the drop of a hat.

I hope you managed to get some sleep, Remy. And I hope the woman finds the strength to run away and stay away from her abuser.

Bella

Often, the most dangerous time for an abused woman is right after she leaves her abuser. Stats indicate this is when most women are killed. Also, abuse almost always increases over time, being fortunate enough to escape/leave previously without serious repercussions, is not necessarily a free pass to leave again.

 

[Remy]

She left him and was gone for months. That must mean that she has someplace else to stay. Now she's back. You can't help but wonder why. She stays or comes back because she loves him, and he's sorry. He loves her. He promises to change. This is often how the domestic abuse scenario replays repeatedly.

Remy, I know you're upset. It's horrible to witness any type of abuse and be powerless to stop it, but without the woman being willing to do anything to help herself, there's not much you can do. You were kind, and you did what you could by checking to see if she was okay and by offering her money to get away. I understand why you're hesitant to call the police. Being older and alone, you're an easy target. It's not like you can get in your car and drive away from the scene. You live above this abuser. If you report him, he might threaten you. Even if you were to call the police, it's unlikely that the woman will ever press charges. As Jules said, they might arrest him anyway. Would it cool him off? Maybe, momentarily. Or it could make him even angrier. These leopards don't change their spots because they've been thrown in the cooler.

There's nothing wrong with standing up for yourself or for someone else, but it might not always be the best choice. Whether you're in the right, attempting to confront angry, violent, or crazy people can be dangerous. You never know what someone will do or if they will physically harm you. If you decide to confront someone, you could be taking your life into your hands. It has nothing to do with being brave enough to do so. It's being smart enough not to. These days, people shoot at the drop of a hat.

I hope you managed to get some sleep, Remy. And I hope the woman finds the strength to run away and stay away from her abuser.

Bella

Thank you for your kind and insightful reply. I too question if it was the right thing to do. But as someone who was completely powerless as an abused child, it was hard not to say anything or go outside. I don't have a lot of power. As an overweight older single person. But I'm also not that helpless child anymore and I just went out. This abuser needed to know others heard this. I think the neighbors also going outside helped. I did get sleep. My tabby slept right next to me all night.

 

[Remy]

Something tells me the dog is part of the problem as you said she was clutching the dog and the dog was yelping. Maybe the dog pees in the house? He may have abused the dog and she is trying to protect the dog.

At any rate there is no excuse for this type of behavior.

Is she still there?

Lee, I don't know. I heard him yelling inside after the fact and it sounded like he was throwing things or banging against the wall. I went out to feed the ferals and the store this morning. I heard the dog yap just now. I didn't hear it again last night. I don't know what's going on.

My neighbor across the parking lot who's town house I park in front of has a camera in his window but I doubt it caught this. Cars would have been in the way.

 

[Remy]

trouble is that many women can't financially survive if they report the abuse and the husband is jailed.. I;ve been in that position as was my mother so I know only too well

The age of this woman, I believe if she has children, they are grown. But you are right. I even read people won't leave abusive situations because of pets. And that's why shelters should allow pets.

 

[Remy]

It’s well said that half of the world doesn’t know how the other half lives.

I’m reminded of staying at a motel years ago when I was awakened by a couple several doors down having a row. The woman’s loud wailing and crying went on for a prolonged period. Her night was ruined, as was that of other guests in the motel. I was afraid to become involved; too many guns in America with itchy trigger fingers nearby. I lost a night’s sleep but safeguarded my own life.

No one should have to be exposed to even the slipstream of domestic violence. I commend your courage in taking action, but always do so from a position of safety. Locally they are mourning a police officer slain while responding to a “domestic dispute.”

I have heard domestic disputes are one of the most dangerous calls for police.

I don't want to listen to this in my own home. This is the second abuser situation in the apartment below me. This one is much worse.

 

[Disgustedman]

I have heard domestic disputes are one of the most dangerous calls for police.

I don't want to listen to this in my own home. This is the second abuser situation in the apartment below me. This one is much worse.

I feel so silly. I'm looking at this from a male POV. I'm more than willing to walk out, weapon available, but not viewable and try to settle the matter.

Your heart does hurt for the abused, I'm more for stopping the abuse by force. I simply can't see it like you do, emotionally or physically. That's why I understand now your concern for your own safety.

Nothing to be ashamed of, not all males will take spear in hand to defend another, not all females will shrink away.

Reporting it to authorities is key though, for abusers like other criminals aren't noticed till the police have them on file, it sure helps the cops to know what typically is at an address when alerted.

 

[Alligatorob]

mostly it's not the best choice for them. yes it gets them away from the abuser.. but they usually end up with their children in refuge housing where they may be subjected , and often are to high crime among the other women, and feral children and usually these refuges are in parts of town which are often alien to women, who have no experience of living in one room in a noisy environment with other families in a less salubrious part of town,. The once they're eventually rehoused, they're usually, again because of financial restrains housed away from friends and family, and the children their schools.. . This is what causes most women to stay in these relationships..you've got to remember most women or men ( abused partners0. didn't marry an abuser, they married someone they loved, who was nice to them.. and they're still searching and hoping for that person to return.. thinking that whatever has caused them to act like this must be the abused fault.. so with that in mind.. not only are they being abused, once they are ''rescued'' they then have to suffer deprivation potentially for the rest of their lives..

I think it is a little better here in Utah.

I know some folks who work in shelters. Those shelters are safe and have good security, for the most part. They try to keep a woman with children together in something like a family setting. They also provide things like free legal services to help with divorce, restraining orders, etc. And support to help the woman with counseling and to find work and possibly relocation, if necessary.

However in the end the best the woman can hope for is usually starting over with nothing. Still not a great thing, but for most I believe better than the alternative.

 

[Bella]

I think it is a little better here in Utah.

I know some folks who work in shelters. Those shelters are safe and have good security, for the most part. They try to keep a woman with children together in something like a family setting. They also provide things like free legal services to help with divorce, restraining orders, etc. And support to help the woman with counseling and to find work and possibly relocation, if necessary.

However in the end the best the woman can hope for is usually starting over with nothing. Still not a great thing, but for most I believe better than the alternative.

There's a sorry lack of women's shelters, and the ones that exist are not created equal.

The women's shelter I have donated to for the past forty years has been in business for forty-seven years. It's an excellent organization, but it's the only domestic violence response organization in the county.

"Our values of courage, creativity, equality, integrity, respect, and social justice were created so that we can be a life-saving resource for anyone experiencing intimate partner violence. Those same values are why we are continuing to deliver our mission through our 24-hour hotline, emergency shelter, counseling, victim response advocacy legal assistance, and prevention."

It provides a full range of programs and services to individuals experiencing domestic violence, their children, and the community, which include:

• 24-hour Hotline
• Emergency Shelter
• Individual and Group Counseling
• Case Management
• Civil Legal Representation
• Support and Accompaniment through the Criminal Justice System
• Medical Advocacy
• Trauma Therapy and EMDR Therapy (* see note)
• Protection from Abuse Order Assistance and Court Accompaniment
• Children's Programs
• Prevention Education
• R.I.S.E. Program (Redefining Independence, Safety & Empowerment)
• Financial empowerment programs

* EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a structured therapy that encourages the patient to focus briefly on the trauma memory while simultaneously experiencing bilateral stimulation (typically eye movements), which is associated with a reduction in the vividness and emotion associated with the trauma memories. Psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences. Repeated studies show that by using EMDR therapy people can experience the benefits of psychotherapy that once took years to make a difference.

Bella

 

[hollydolly]

I think it is a little better here in Utah.

I know some folks who work in shelters. Those shelters are safe and have good security, for the most part. They try to keep a woman with children together in something like a family setting. They also provide things like free legal services to help with divorce, restraining orders, etc. And support to help the woman with counseling and to find work and possibly relocation, if necessary.

However in the end the best the woman can hope for is usually starting over with nothing. Still not a great thing, but for most I believe better than the alternative.

yes you would think that..most people who haven't been in that situation would naturally think that... but when you're in that position, you're not thinking clearly...

 

[Alligatorob]

yes you would think that..most people who haven't been in that situation would naturally think that... but when you're in that position, you're not thinking clearly...

I am sure that's true... I've never been in that position, but I have made some foolish choices in life, not thinking clearly. And I had much less stress than these women. A tough problem to fix.