Not that anyone is asking

I'm pretty sure my sister is addicted to shopping. Seriously.

She's lived with us for a few months now, and we're not charging her any rent, we only asked her to help with the utility bills, and she did that for the first time this month. She was buying stuff "for the house" and calling it even - stuff like bathroom towels, a frying pan, a vintage set of salt n pepper shakers, and it's all been crap we don't need.

So, I talked to her about this. I told her we don't need stuff for the house. We don't even really need help with the utility bills. That was just meant to be a token contribution. I told her what we really need is for her to save up to move. She'll need a deposit and first and last month's rent, and that'll be at least a few thousand bucks. She can stay as long as she needs to, but she's got to get her own place at some point. That was the agreement.

The reason I had to have this discussion with Bonnie is because she left a couple stacks of folded laundry on the washer, and Michelle took it to Bonnie's room (Bonnie was at work) and while Meesh was in there, she spotted several bags of newly bought clothes, shoes, a couple of power tools o_O, and a bunch of cosmetics and shampoos and conditioners. A bunch. Everything still had the price tags on them and the receipts had recent dates. And all those dates fell on and around all her paydays. She gets paid weekly, so this was a lot of bags.

So anyway, I told Bonnie we're gonna start charging her monthly rent, and the rent is gonna go into a savings account that I'll open at my bank, in my name. And I'll give her every dime of it when she finds a place to rent.

She said, "No, no, that won't be necessary; I can save it up. I can, I promise."

But she admitted she had a problem, that she's addicted to shopping. And I'm sure this is why she got evicted from her last place. I bet she stopped paying the rent. She says she just "got a little behind," but I'm sure she got way behind.

Know what else? She subscribed to some streaming channels on our TV, and then didn't pay. She didn't do the free-trial things, she actually subscribed, paid the first month, and then just didn't pay after that. Naturally, I cancelled all of them, plus I removed her account that she set up ....on my TV, ffs. And she's gonna pay the past due amounts, because I'm not. I'll sit right next to her while she submits the payments.

Meesh is telling me this is a bona fide addiction and I can't be mad at her, I need to be sympathetic, but I'm pissed at her. The freaking gall. This is messed up.
 

terry123 said:
You are doing the right things. I would feel and do the same thing.
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Right? I don't think I'm being at all harsh....except for the yelling, but that didn't last too, too long.

I'm hoping she'll see how awesome it is to save money and use it for a really good thing. Something that will benefit her life, unlike a lace brazier or a Japanese blush brush.

:rolleyes:
 
I hate to say it but this "agreement" should have been in writing in the first place with a definite "move out by" date.
Family are the worst for taking advantage and so should be the first to have written, binding agreements on situations like this and loans.
Done in the right spirit it makes both parties feel they're in it for the best reasons.
Sorry Murmur to spank your hand but you seem like such a peach (yeah, I said it..a PEACH!) 😊 that I hope you'll sit down with her and do this before it goes any further.
There should be no reason to notice anything in her room if a contract was laid out.
I'm glad you love your sister. There are worse situations than this.
 
I understand your frustration. I have a relative with a shopping addiction. And it is a true addiction. I had to strongly convince her to stop giving my family and me gifts we didn’t need. It wasn’t about gifting to us. It was about using us to get that addiction hit she needed. She feels she can excuse her overspending if she’s buying for others.
 
MountainRa said:
I understand your frustration. I have a relative with a shopping addiction. And it is a true addiction. I had to strongly convince her to stop giving my family and me gifts we didn’t need. It wasn’t about gifting to us. It was about using us to get that addiction hit she needed. She feels she can excuse her overspending if she’s buying for others.
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Great observation.
 
hearlady said:
I hate to say it but this "agreement" should have been in writing in the first place with a definite "move out by" date.
Family are the worst for taking advantage and so should be the first to have written, binding agreements on situations like this and loans.
Done in the right spirit it makes both parties feel they're in it for the best reasons.
Sorry Murmur to spank your hand but you seem like such a peach (yeah, I said it..a PEACH!) 😊 that I hope you'll sit down with her and do this before it goes any further.
There should be no reason to notice anything in her room if a contract was laid out.
I'm glad you love your sister. There are worse situations than this.
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I may come across as a peach (thank you?), but in my home, my word is law. Bonnie knows that. She's 17 years younger than me and I've always been very much the Big Brother in her life. When she was a child, she'd come stay with me and my kids on weekends, and when she was in her early teens I took her fishing, camping, and skiing with us as often as I could, even though we lived hundreds of miles away.

But when she was around 16, she met a boy who introduced her to drugs. The whole family tried lectures, interventions, tough love, rehab programs and rescues...all futile. I finally gave up when she was in her mid-20s. I wouldn't let her in my home or near my kids. I wouldn't even take phone calls from her.

She was strung out for about 30 years. She's been clean for 12 years, and she's actually managed to stay employed for nearly 8. She was such an adorable girl. More cute than pretty, she looked like a little Pixie. Petite, big sparkling eyes, a cute little nose and a bright, mischievous smile. Now, at 50, she's lost all her teeth and has to wear dentures, she has severe liver disease, and she's wracked with pain from Lupus, fibromyalgia, and rheumatoid arthritis, which has deformed her hands and feet. She knows why she has all these health problems, and she hardly ever complains about them.

Not sure why I went into all that. I guess what I'm thinking is that she has Addiction Disorder - "predisposed to maladaptive behaviors to attain immediate sensory rewards even though their consequences may be harmful." The shopping is a substitute high. I told her that and she agrees.

She's got 2 full months to square up her finances. If she fails, she has to get professional help for her addiction. If she doesn't do that, she's out. Totally a verbal agreement, but a contract all the same.
 
hearlady said:
I hate to say it but this "agreement" should have been in writing in the first place with a definite "move out by" date.
Family are the worst for taking advantage and so should be the first to have written, binding agreements on situations like this and loans.
Done in the right spirit it makes both parties feel they're in it for the best reasons.
Sorry Murmur to spank your hand but you seem like such a peach (yeah, I said it..a PEACH!) 😊 that I hope you'll sit down with her and do this before it goes any further.
There should be no reason to notice anything in her room if a contract was laid out.
I'm glad you love your sister. There are worse situations than this.
Click to expand...
PS, your spanks are allowed, Lady. :)
 
Murrmurr said:
I may come across as a peach (thank you?), but in my home, my word is law. Bonnie knows that. She's 17 years younger than me and I've always been very much the Big Brother in her life. When she was a child, she'd come stay with me and my kids on weekends, and when she was in her early teens I took her fishing, camping, and skiing with us as often as I could, even though we lived hundreds of miles away.

But when she was around 16, she met a boy who introduced her to drugs. The whole family tried lectures, interventions, tough love, rehab programs and rescues...all futile. I finally gave up when she was in her mid-20s. I wouldn't let her in my home or near my kids. I wouldn't even take phone calls from her.

She was strung out for about 30 years. She's been clean for 12 years, and she's actually managed to stay employed for nearly 8. She was such an adorable girl. More cute than pretty, she looked like a little Pixie. Petite, big sparkling eyes, a cute little nose and a bright, mischievous smile. Now, at 50, she's lost all her teeth and has to wear dentures, she has severe liver disease, and she's wracked with pain from Lupus, fibromyalgia, and rheumatoid arthritis, which has deformed her hands and feet. She knows why she has all these health problems, and she hardly ever complains about them.

Not sure why I went into all that. I guess what I'm thinking is that she has Addiction Disorder - "predisposed to maladaptive behaviors to attain immediate sensory rewards even though their consequences may be harmful." The shopping is a substitute high. I told her that and she agrees.

She's got 2 full months to square up her finances. If she fails, she has to get professional help for her addiction. If she doesn't do that, she's out. Totally a verbal agreement, but a contract all the same.
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Yes. You've got more going on there then I realized. You're all doing your best. The shopping addiction is tough.
A peach is someone very sweet like a great big brother!
 
Remy said:
Is there any help available for her shopping addiction. If she's shopping to the point where she can't support herself, this is a major problem. She's not the only one who has this.
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We're working on that. She admits she has a problem, so that's good, but she's resistant to getting professional help. She beat a 20yr drug addiction without help so I suppose she thinks she can beat this one alone, too. Thing is, quitting drugs took her 20 years. So I'm not optimistic.

She's got one month to show a certain level of improvement, 2 months to show significant improvement, and 3 months to have her finances under control, including paying all her bills on time and sticking to a long list of limits on birthdays and holidays.

If that doesn't happen, I'll take over her finances (she'll get an allowance) and she has to get therapy. She has one alternative; moving out.
 
Paxton and the twins moved in with their new foster family about a week ago.

I haven't met them yet, but their advocacy worker told me they will adhere to my visitation schedule of two 2-hr visits per month. Their former foster parents let me have them over for 4 or 5 hours per visit, but the caseworker didn't know they left them here for that long. (caseworker and advocacy worker are 2 different people)

New foster dad, Brandon, is bringing them over on the 9th. Drop off 9am, pick up 11am.

2 hours is better than nothing, and we'll meet Brandon at last. He'll see we are ok people, and I'll get to gauge how the change is effecting Paxton. And Paxton knows he can talk about any issues if he needs to. Or if he doesn't know, I'll remind him. With all the shyte that's happened to him even after he's told me "Mommy hurt me" and all that stuff, he probably thinks telling someone about it is futile. 😟
 
Jules said:
The 2 hour time limit seems reasonable because Brandon doesn’t know you. He’s being a protective new parent. When he’s met you, things will likely change.
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The 2 hours wasn't up to him. I think if it was up to him, we wouldn't have visits. He's not very happy about driving all the way here so his foster kids can see a guy who "used to know them."

The kids' caseworker set up that schedule back in January, and at first it was only 1 hour and supervised. Melanie, former foster mom who's known me since she first got the twins, she's the one who ignored the time limits and would leave the kids for 4 or 5 hours....and it was a secret. But she knew how important these visits are to Paxton. She saw how relaxed and more confident and generally happy they made him.

It'll be great if Brandon notices that, too, but he'll no doubt figure that has more to do with him and his wife than me. And that's logical because he has no baseline, really, whereas, Melanie had the kids for months before the long visits started.

I've always known that me fading from Paxton's life was inevitable. But I'm really glad I'll be able to help him make this transition, and even optimize it. I want him to get as much good stuff as he can out of his new family life.

Even while it's killing me 🤪
 
Murrmurr said:
The 2 hours wasn't up to him. I think if it was up to him, we wouldn't have visits. He's not very happy about driving all the way here so his foster kids can see a guy who "used to know them."

The kids' caseworker set up that schedule back in January, and at first it was only 1 hour and supervised. Melanie, former foster mom who's known me since she first got the twins, she's the one who ignored the time limits and would leave the kids for 4 or 5 hours....and it was a secret. But she knew how important these visits are to Paxton. She saw how relaxed and more confident and generally happy they made him.

It'll be great if Brandon notices that, too, but he'll no doubt figure that has more to do with him and his wife than me. And that's logical because he has no baseline, really, whereas, Melanie had the kids for months before the long visits started.

I've always known that me fading from Paxton's life was inevitable. But I'm really glad I'll be able to help him make this transition, and even optimize it. I want him to get as much good stuff as he can out of his new family life.

Even while it's killing me 🤪
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Don't give up @Murrmurr If all goes well in the new placement, Paxton will likely be happier and more settled which will allow you to stop worrying about him but, I doubt he will stop asking to visit you and hopefully Brandon and his wife will see that it is important for Paxton to keep that contact with you and could likely help them out too, it's great to have a trustworthy babysitter :)
 
I met Paxton's new foster dad today.

He's alright. He's 40, pretty laid-back, tall and slim, kind of vegan-looking. His hair is kind of long, and he had it in a ponytail, but he's in a band. He has a full-time job, but he's in a band. Plays bass guitar and drums.

I was in a couple bands in high school. Played drums and sang. Paxton was learning drums while he lived here, and I told Brandon that. He said, "Yeah, Melanie told me about that," and I said, "Seriously, he showed real aptitude for it...like a natural ability," and Brandon said he'd definitely work with him on that.

Brandon did not know that Paxton lived with me for nearly 3 years, and he was even more surprised to learn it was 3 years straight.

"So, Paxton lived with you longer than...."

"His mother, yes. Longer than anybody. Basically, most of his life."

And then he just stared at me for a while, looking like his mind was racing.

He hung around for an hour when he came to pick up the kids. They showed him their room and their toys, Paxton showed him the feral cat shelters we're working on, and me and Brandon talked. I mostly talked about all the stuff the kids have been through and Paxton's abuse and all that. CPS caseworkers don't fill people in on any of that kind of stuff.

I asked Pax if he'd like to take his snare and tom home, but he didn't want to. In fact, it made him cry. That's because his mother sold all his toys that I gave her to a consignment shop. I explained this to Brandon....not in front of Paxton, btw. We didn't talk about the kids' history and stuff in front of them.

Anyway, Brandon seems ok. Obviously a novice where it comes to kids...he's not real confident about it yet, you know? But I'm pretty sure he'll get the hang of it. And I told him he can call me anytime. He said, "Definitely!"
 
Pinky said:
@Murrmurr

Good that you are open-minded about Brandon. Remember, parenting is new to him. I hope he does reach
out to you for advice.

It's good that you were able to fill him in on Paxton's history with his mother. That should help his new
parents understand his reaction to things.
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That's exactly what I was thinking. I also told him the environment in their parents house was violent and chaotic every single day, and also that the twins watched Paxton get abused and belittled daily, and so they act like that's why Paxton exists, to taunt and hit and yell at. And he said "That explains a few things."
 

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