Is Polygamy a thing where you live?

I chose to be in a polygamous marriage. That's the only way I would have ever married a second time. While contemplating, I researched the lifestyle, read several books about it and watched a video. At first I thought I must be crazy for even considering this, but many of the women in those books and on video were accomplished in their careers; one was a doctor, other were busy career women. I also read a book by a non Muslim author about "man sharing", something to consider due to the disproportionate number of women to available men in African American communities. I realized that it was a lifestyle that would benefit me. It didn't hurt that I was madly in love with my husband, known as a very nice man who would give people the shirt off his back. He was also the finest thing I'd ever seen. :love:

I held him at bay for 3 years. The first year he literally asked me every day. I didn't know anyone else in that situation, however and was apprehensive about what people would think. He wanted a big wedding in the park but we eloped instead and got married during a vacation. Our marriage took place at a masjid (mosque) in Richmond, VA, officiated by a Sheik who was his friend, with the required witnesses, one of whom was my husband's best friend. My husband had another wife that he had been with for more than 20 years. and was in the process of divorcing another. They were also business partners. We were all in our mid to late 40s at the time. My husband was well known and well respected in Islamic communities in several states, having been an activist for most of his adult life and people knew he had more than one wife. Turns out people in my life came to not only except him, but love him dearly. My co-wife and her family came to feel the same about me and we've socialized together. When we were in Virginia, I met other people in our age range who were also in polygamous marriages.

Funny story....when one of his Muslim nephews first saw us together, he wouldn't speak to me (he thought I was just some "chick on the side") until he found out we were married. Then it was all love and he started affectionately calling me Auntie. Although not recognized as "legal" here in the states, these marriages are recognized as legitimate unions in the Islamic communities. An Islamic marriage contract is drawn up and signed by the couple. Although not recommended but permitted (there's a historical reason as to why), Muslim men can have up to 4 wives at a time, providing they are treated justly and equally supported. My husband who was an Imam and sometimes referred to as Sheik advised the young men who asked him about polygamy that it's best to have just one wife. It is not permitted to keep the additional wife or wives a secret, either from the existing wife or the public, which distinguishes it from bigamy. The wife (wives) must be of sound mind and the age of consent. It is not permitted to marry the wife's sister. There was no sensationalism involved in our marriage. In fact, I watched an episode of Big Love and saw things that turned me off and I know they would not have been permitted in Islamic polygamous marriages.

@JeeperDon Polyandry (a form of polygamy) refers to women having more than one husband.
 

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JeeperDon said:
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/polygamy

The term polygamy doesn't specify gender.
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Legally they are the same.

I think you will find that one women and several husbands is referred to as polyandry. It is very rare. I remember reading about some very impoverished community somewhere in Asia where one wife is/was shared between brothers.

Having trouble with Bing search so cannot provide a link.

I see that AlligatorRob has provided the necessary info. See Post #27
 
OneEyedDiva said:
I chose to be in a polygamous marriage. That's the only way I would have ever married a second time. While contemplating, I researched the lifestyle, read several books about it and watched a video. At first I thought I must be crazy for even considering this, but many of the women in those books and on video were accomplished in their careers; one was a doctor, other were busy career women. I also read a book by a non Muslim author about "man sharing", something to consider due to the disproportionate number of women to available men in African American communities. I realized that it was a lifestyle that would benefit me. It didn't hurt that I was madly in love with my husband, known as a very nice man who would give people the shirt off his back. He was also the finest thing I'd ever seen. :love:

I held him at bay for 3 years. The first year he literally asked me every day. I didn't know anyone else in that situation, however and was apprehensive about what people would think. He wanted a big wedding in the park but we eloped instead and got married during a vacation. Our marriage took place at a masjid (mosque) in Richmond, VA, officiated by a Sheik who was his friend, with the required witnesses, one of whom was my husband's best friend. My husband had another wife that he had been with for more than 20 years. and was in the process of divorcing another. They were also business partners. We were all in our mid to late 40s at the time. My husband was well known and well respected in Islamic communities in several states, having been an activist for most of his adult life and people knew he had more than one wife. Turns out people in my life came to not only except him, but love him dearly. My co-wife and her family came to feel the same about me and we've socialized together. When we were in Virginia, I met other people in our age range who were also in polygamous marriages.

Funny story....when one of his Muslim nephews first saw us together, he wouldn't speak to me (he thought I was just some "chick on the side") until he found out we were married. Then it was all love and he started affectionately calling me Auntie. Although not recognized as "legal" here in the states, these marriages are recognized as legitimate unions in the Islamic communities. An Islamic marriage contract is drawn up and signed by the couple. Although not recommended but permitted (there's a historical reason as to why), Muslim men can have up to 4 wives at a time, providing they are treated justly and equally supported. My husband who was an Imam and sometimes referred to as Sheik advised the young men who asked him about polygamy that it's best to have just one wife. It is not permitted to keep the additional wife or wives a secret, either from the existing wife or the public, which distinguishes it from bigamy. The wife (wives) must be of sound mind and the age of consent. It is not permitted to marry the wife's sister. There was no sensationalism involved in our marriage. In fact, I watched an episode of Big Love and saw things that turned me off and I know they would not have been permitted in Islamic polygamous marriages.

@JeeperDon Polyandry (a form of polygamy) refers to women having more than one husband.
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Wow, a very riveting first-person perspective. Highly unusual to get that. I'm sure the dynamics in a relationship like that are considerably different from a monogamous type. I don't mean to pry, but I am endlessly fascinated by "out of the ordinary" and unusual situations.
Is there a dominant wife (First wife)? Do you have a schedule to spend time with him? Was there any problems with jealousy? Are there rules that keep order in the arrangement? Did you get used to it after a time? Any regrets? Problems raising children?
I suppose that's enough for now. If it's too personal, I understand, and I apologize, I'm just curious.
 
In Bountiful, BC (SE part) there’s a well-know polygamist group. There’ve been TV documentaries and many stories in the papers. There were many photos of one old coot with his many wives, many of them very young.

In 2004, one Canadian leader took a 15 year girl to Utah to be married to a leader there. After multiple court cases, he was found guilty and given 6 months house arrest. The final court case was in 2018. Canada doesn’t rush its court cases.

I have no opinions on adults who choose to live as consenting couples. It‘s young girls who are part a religious groups who are groomed from youth to marry who they are told.
 
jujube said:
The question was asked about how a man would support several "wives".

Answer: Though they are all considered "wives" in the FLDS community, they're considered "single mothers" by the state.....thus eligible for welfare, foodstuffs, etc.

I saw a TV show about this. A very high percentage of the women in this one FLDS community were pulling down a decent amount of help from the state because, technically, they weren't married.
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I forgot about reading this. You're right. That's a money grab.
 
Many years ago I almost joined the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints. They had polygamy and did not allow men to choose their own wives. The "Prophet" chose the wives and the husbands and wives had no say. The Prophet wanted to assign me two wives and then I just quit. I married just one woman and I've been married now 63 years to the ONE woman. We have two kids, six grandkids and three great grandkids.

Needless to say I was forced to quilt FLDS since I refused to follow orders issued by the Prophet.
 
bobcat48 said:
Wow, a very riveting first-person perspective. Highly unusual to get that. I'm sure the dynamics in a relationship like that are considerably different from a monogamous type. I don't mean to pry, but I am endlessly fascinated by "out of the ordinary" and unusual situations.
Is there a dominant wife (First wife)? Do you have a schedule to spend time with him? Was there any problems with jealousy? Are there rules that keep order in the arrangement? Did you get used to it after a time? Any regrets? Problems raising children?
I suppose that's enough for now. If it's too personal, I understand, and I apologize, I'm just curious.
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Bobcat, I love that you asked intelligent questions and are not judging my "unusual" marriage. People here in the U.S. need to realize that American marriage traditions are not necessarily the same as in some other countries. Americans want to hold others to their traditional marriage mores, but America is among the countries with the highest incidences of divorce.

~First of all, I kept my apartment because I own this unit and always said they'll have to carry me out of here feet first. He wanted us to get a new place together but I wasn't having it. I'm glad I stuck with my decision. So I had my place and they had theres; he "visited" me.

~I've been a very independent woman since I was in my 20s. I had to be, raising a son, mostly on my own because unfortunately, my first husband spent most of his adult life in prison. And I had gone from shy to a force to be reckoned with by the time I married my second husband. He was concerned that my independent spirit would be a problem in our marriage. I guess sometimes it was.
So no, there was no "dominant" wife. And if there had been...it would have been me. :LOL: What my co-wife and I did have, at first, was a symbiotic relationship. She helped me do the labels for what started out as my demo tape, because I didn't have a computer and she knew how to do them. A lot of what they sold in their store required labeling. I helped her however I could, but despite my mother's prediction, I never worked in their store. Later we became true friends and "sisters".

~My husband didn't schedule time and honestly, sometimes I felt he spent too much time here. I mentioned in another post that it actually caused me to have anxiety. I'd say to him..."Don't you have someplace else you have to be?" Also, he didn't like it but I took quite a few solo vacations at our timeshare. I guess it's because I grew up as an only child, spent much of my life being a loner (although I have great friends) and I like my space. But we traveled well together and took trips during which we had a lot of fun.

~By the time we got together, our children were grown. In fact, we were both grandparents by then.

~Ironically, I had always been a jealous person! And with my husband it was more so. Women threw themselves at him because he was so handsome and so nice. At least one told him she'd be happy to be his third wife. One time we were in a Walgreens and I saw him talking to and hugging a younger woman. I got so mad that I stormed out of the store. He explained to me that she was his cousin. "Sure!" I thought and let him know in no uncertain terms that I thought he was lying. Well, I found out at his family reunion that she was indeed a cousin. Back then, I had a huge family on my birthmother's side, but his family topped mine. He had lots of nieces, grand nieces and female cousins.

~My husband was known to be a rule breaker...all of his life. But due to the nature of our arrangement, hard and fast rules really weren't necessary.
 
OneEyedDiva said:
Bobcat, I love that you asked intelligent questions and are not judging my "unusual" marriage. People here in the U.S. need to realize that American marriage traditions are not necessarily the same as in some other countries. Americans want to hold others to their traditional marriage mores, but America is among the countries with the highest incidences of divorce.

~First of all, I kept my apartment because I own this unit and always said they'll have to carry me out of here feet first. He wanted us to get a new place together but I wasn't having it. I'm glad I stuck with my decision. So I had my place and they had theres; he "visited" me.

~I've been a very independent woman since I was in my 20s. I had to be, raising a son, mostly on my own because unfortunately, my first husband spent most of his adult life in prison. And I had gone from shy to a force to be reckoned with by the time I married my second husband. He was concerned that my independent spirit would be a problem in our marriage. I guess sometimes it was.
So no, there was no "dominant" wife. And if there had been...it would have been me. :LOL: What my co-wife and I did have, at first, was a symbiotic relationship. She helped me do the labels for what started out as my demo tape, because I didn't have a computer and she knew how to do them. A lot of what they sold in their store required labeling. I helped her however I could, but despite my mother's prediction, I never worked in their store. Later we became true friends and "sisters".

~My husband didn't schedule time and honestly, sometimes I felt he spent too much time here. I mentioned in another post that it actually caused me to have anxiety. I'd say to him..."Don't you have someplace else you have to be?" Also, he didn't like it but I took quite a few solo vacations at our timeshare. I guess it's because I grew up as an only child, spent much of my life being a loner (although I have great friends) and I like my space. But we traveled well together and took trips during which we had a lot of fun.

~By the time we got together, our children were grown. In fact, we were both grandparents by then.

~Ironically, I had always been a jealous person! And with my husband it was more so. Women threw themselves at him because he was so handsome and so nice. At least one told him she'd be happy to be his third wife. One time we were in a Walgreens and I saw him talking to and hugging a younger woman. I got so mad that I stormed out of the store. He explained to me that she was his cousin. "Sure!" I thought and let him know in no uncertain terms that I thought he was lying. Well, I found out at his family reunion that she was indeed a cousin. Back then, I had a huge family on my birthmother's side, but his family topped mine. He had lots of nieces, grand nieces and female cousins.

~My husband was known to be a rule breaker...all of his life. But due to the nature of our arrangement, hard and fast rules really weren't necessary.
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Thank you for being open about this, and yes, you're right about beliefs. When I was in college, I took a course in Cultural Anthropology, and one subject was Ethnocentrism, which I had never been exposed to or even heard of, and it really helped me to look at other cultures and practices in a non-judgmental way.
I remember something I heard once that a handsome face rarely makes a good husband, and I don't think it is necessarily because they are good looking, but as you mentioned, women are always coming on to them, and not only is the temptation always there for them to stray, but it can stir up dissention in a marriage because it can be hard to feel secure when that's going on.
The fact that you and his other wife became good friends and like sisters, traveled well together, and had lots of fun, goes to show that it is possible to overcome the natural tendency for an exclusive relationship, and even form a strong bond with, what most would consider, your rival.
I guess one more question would be how the story ends regarding you and he, and the sister wife, if you don't mind sharing that.
 
Recently here in Perth Western Australia a guy has been charged with bigamy, he was, allegedly, still married when he remarried.

Maybe we should have a thread about polyamory...
 
Alligatorob said:
It really is, they have very little education and no exposure to the outside world. Just dumped on the streets. Many have never heard of Europe and the like.
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That is truly heartbreaking.
I once watched a series about the Mormons of Utah and the problems they faced. There must be some fierce competition for the boys growing up and probably a lot of necessary sucking up to the right people.

You mentioned before that you sometimes talk to them. Are they weary of outsiders or do they talk freely and openly with you?
Are the polygamous families more protective over their families than your average family due to the legality of it?

It must be really difficult growing up as a child to learn that your lifestyle is against the law. I wonder if that is a constant threat hanging over their head.

Are the Mormon’s similar to the Amish or Mennonites where when you reach a certain age, for a week you get to party, drink , do drugs and other types of behaviour and then decide whether you want to stay or go?
 
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Mitch86 said:
Many years ago I almost joined the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints. They had polygamy and did not allow men to choose their own wives. The "Prophet" chose the wives and the husbands and wives had no say. The Prophet wanted to assign me two wives and then I just quit. I married just one woman and I've been married now 63 years to the ONE woman. We have two kids, six grandkids and three great grandkids.

Needless to say I was forced to quilt FLDS since I refused to follow orders issued by the Prophet.
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@Mitch86 that is an impressive story. I know how hard it can be to get away from the FLDS, in more recent times anyway, probably the same for you. You did a smart, and brave thing in leaving.

How did you come to be associated with the FLDS? Were you raised in the Colorado City/Hilldale/Short Creek area?

Were you or you wife able to benefit from the legal settlement? I know a few years back the Utah Attorney General was looking for former FLDS members, some got land, and I think some money.

For anyone who doesn't know the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints (FLDS) are the infamous polygamous cult recently lead by "prophet" Warren Jeffs.

Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fundamentalist_Church_of_Jesus_Christ_of_Latter-Day_Saints

Warren Jeffs https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warren_Jeffs
 
PeppermintPatty said:
You mentioned before that you sometimes talk to them. Are they weary of outsiders or do they talk freely and openly with you?
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I don't know any personally, but have run into people I knew were polygamous. Never spoken to any of them about their families or polygamy, just casual or some business. I find the men pretty normal in that kind of setting. The women I've met seem more reluctant to talk. Mostly I've seen them shopping and the like, you can tell by their dress who they are. I always make a point of greeting them with a smile and hello, sometimes but rarely they respond. I was once in a small store in Hilldale, the cashier was a polygamous woman, tried talking to her but got little in response... Hilldale and Colorado City are the FLDS original headquarters, just one town right on the Utah Arizona boarder, Hilldale is the Utah side of the street, Colorado City on the Arizona side.
PeppermintPatty said:
Are the polygamous families more protective over their families than your average family due to the legality of it?
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Most seem to be, not just for legal reasons... For example some believe John Singer, an infamous polygamist excommunicated by the mainstream Mormon Church was murdered at the direction of the Church. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Singer_(anti-government_activist). I don't believe it, no chance it happened. But some of the polygamous sect folks do, adds to the paranoia.
PeppermintPatty said:
Are the Mormon’s similar to the Amish or Mennonites where when you reach a certain age, for a week you get to party, drink , do drugs and other types of behaviour and then decide whether you want to stay or go?
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No, nothing like that. However they do hold off baptism to the age of 8, which some believes provides a degree of choice. I am skeptical that many 8 year-olds would defy the wishes of their parents.
 
Jules said:
In Bountiful, BC (SE part) there’s a well-know polygamist group.
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Interesting. We have a Bountiful here in Utah, and it was the birth place of one of our more infamous polygamous cults, the Kingstons. I believe there are still polygamists in Bountiful. It is a town just north of Salt Lake City.

BLOOD CULT - Utah’s polygamous Kingston clan mixes incest and white supremacy with old-fashioned capitalism
https://www.splcenter.org/fighting-hate/intelligence-report/2017/blood-cult
 
Alligatorob said:
I don't know any personally, but have run into people I knew were polygamous. Never spoken to any of them about their families or polygamy, just casual or some business. I find the men pretty normal in that kind of setting. The women I've met seem more reluctant to talk. Mostly I've seen them shopping and the like, you can tell by their dress who they are. I always make a point of greeting them with a smile and hello, sometimes but rarely they respond. I was once in a small store in Hilldale, the cashier was a polygamous woman, tried talking to her but got little in response... Hilldale and Colorado City are the FLDS original headquarters, just one town right on the Utah Arizona boarder, Hilldale is the Utah side of the street, Colorado City on the Arizona side.

Most seem to be, not just for legal reasons... For example some believe John Singer, an infamous polygamist excommunicated by the mainstream Mormon Church was murdered at the direction of the Church. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Singer_(anti-government_activist). I don't believe it, no chance it happened. But some of the polygamous sect folks do, adds to the paranoia.

No, nothing like that. However they do hold off baptism to the age of 8, which some believes provides a degree of choice. I am skeptical that many 8 year-olds would defy the wishes of their parents.
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It does seem to be a standoff between him and the police and he lost.

There are a few movies and series based on Mormon murders. Under the Banner of Heaven -( a true story of violent faith ) is what it’s described as.

Murder Among the Mormons - a documentary about the ministries of Mark Hofmann.

I thought the movie ‘Witness’ with Harrison Ford was about the Mormons but it was about the Amish. That was a great movie.

Which location do you like best Florida or Utah?
 
PeppermintPatty said:
Murder Among the Mormons - a documentary about the ministries of Mark Hofmann.
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That is a very interesting story. Hofmann was an impressive forger and con artist, he managed to dupe the leaders of the Church for years, milking them for lots of money... However the Mormon Church had no role in his murders... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_Hofmann
PeppermintPatty said:
Which location do you like best Florida or Utah?
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I miss Florida and the Gulf Coast, but Utah is not a bad place to live. Thanks for asking!
 
Warren Jeffs has been the local polygamist groups leader for years. He is incarcerated and yet still controls from prison. A twisted man. But the combination of growing up in strictly regimented religious communities can create some weird weird stuff. When i was still working one of our dispatchers was polyg. Ohhhh how i wanted to ask him some questions! But as a funny…whenever we would fly over Colorado city one of my team members would say…”oh look lori…even you could get married here”!!!
 

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