Diary - from my cage

K

Krasotkina

New Member
For years now psychiatrists I went to see were telling me to write a diary, in an attempt to save my sanity etc. I could not start. I could not move. Still frozen, I found this wonderful website and forum, and I will try. English is not my native language, but who cares... I am old, powerless, empty, lost, sick, but still mother of 2 young adults who might need me, or not, but I owe to them to fight, try to support blablabla....

Today my day started with yet another failure, instead of going to the laser eye treatment, I called to postpone. Why? Have no idea... Yes, I am morbidly obese, COPD, diabetes, depression ... but again, this eye doctor i not that far away, and considering that I am without a job, I do have time.

Ironic, right. I have time. When I was younger, I never had enough time, for my science, for music, movies, books. It was always less hours in a day, less days in a month... Now, I have all the time in the world and I am not reading, working, researching... What am I doing? Literarily nothing.

I am 58 years old. Two kids, 22 years old twins, girl and boy (girl is not sure if she is a girl), husband parasite, who does not love me, whom I support, who is like my third child, but with inborn mental disease, and nobody cares about him and we stick together cause we are both deranged, abnormal, defect...

Living in a foreign country since I lost my own, worked for years as a scientist and now lost job, due to economy and my rigidity to the new system, false smiles, false scientific results, tyranny of money and material things...

Parents died long ago, I only have a brother and few relatives, but I am isolated, avoiding all contacts and feeling so alone, but this is by choice. It was always like that.

As a small child I was abused in a physical way, my memories are blurred, sometimes I think I lie to myself to try to find an excuse for my life failures. But some memories are there, I just do not know was it my brother or my father... All my life I was clearly showing signs of sexual abused kid, but aside of going to psychotherapy, I did not succeed to change my abnormal behaviors etc.

And how I got kids, this is an SF story... But I got them. The question is why?

What am I doing my dear God, what am I writing and why? Who am I now? Why do I live in this constant pain? Yes, yes.., the kids. F... kids. I gave them lives and now, watching them suffering their own pans, I take all of them on me, adding to my original and my own pains, and it hurts, it hurts... Enough....

Now I should think what did I wrote and why.

Think! Time is limited. Time can be used to help someone, if you can not help yourself. Think!
 

Wow! Only wow. This first entry into your electronic diary is a very tough one.

But you are writing it in a very descriptive and even - if I may say so - poetic way. Only someone who is very eloquent uses such words, even more since English is not your mother's tongue. And you've received the first like from Matrix, the owner and admin of this forum, what I fully understand.

"Ironic, right. I have time. When I was younger, I never had enough time, for my science, for music, movies, books. It was always less hours in a day, less days in a month... Now, I have all the time in the world and I am not reading, working, researching... What am I doing? Literarily nothing."

This indicates that you obviously are in a severe depression. You should get help, not only from psychiatrists. Could you meet people, neighbors etc.?

And you know that we are always here too.
 
Krasotkina said:
For years now psychiatrists I went to see were telling me to write a diary, in an attempt to save my sanity etc. I could not start. I could not move. Still frozen, I found this wonderful website and forum, and I will try. English is not my native language, but who cares... I am old, powerless, empty, lost, sick, but still mother of 2 young adults who might need me, or not, but I owe to them to fight, try to support blablabla....

Today my day started with yet another failure, instead of going to the laser eye treatment, I called to postpone. Why? Have no idea... Yes, I am morbidly obese, COPD, diabetes, depression ... but again, this eye doctor i not that far away, and considering that I am without a job, I do have time.

Ironic, right. I have time. When I was younger, I never had enough time, for my science, for music, movies, books. It was always less hours in a day, less days in a month... Now, I have all the time in the world and I am not reading, working, researching... What am I doing? Literarily nothing.

I am 58 years old. Two kids, 22 years old twins, girl and boy (girl is not sure if she is a girl), husband parasite, who does not love me, whom I support, who is like my third child, but with inborn mental disease, and nobody cares about him and we stick together cause we are both deranged, abnormal, defect...

Living in a foreign country since I lost my own, worked for years as a scientist and now lost job, due to economy and my rigidity to the new system, false smiles, false scientific results, tyranny of money and material things...

Parents died long ago, I only have a brother and few relatives, but I am isolated, avoiding all contacts and feeling so alone, but this is by choice. It was always like that.

As a small child I was abused in a physical way, my memories are blurred, sometimes I think I lie to myself to try to find an excuse for my life failures. But some memories are there, I just do not know was it my brother or my father... All my life I was clearly showing signs of sexual abused kid, but aside of going to psychotherapy, I did not succeed to change my abnormal behaviors etc.

And how I got kids, this is an SF story... But I got them. The question is why?

What am I doing my dear God, what am I writing and why? Who am I now? Why do I live in this constant pain? Yes, yes.., the kids. F... kids. I gave them lives and now, watching them suffering their own pans, I take all of them on me, adding to my original and my own pains, and it hurts, it hurts... Enough....

Now I should think what did I wrote and why.

Think! Time is limited. Time can be used to help someone, if you can not help yourself. Think!
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I cannot relate to your circumstances but I hope you continue to pour out your troubles each day. I also hope that you can be like Pollyanna, finding at least one good thing each day, something that lifted you up, if only for a brief time. I will follow you and read what you share so that you will know that you are not unheard.
 
George1959 said:
Wow! Only wow. This first entry into your electronic diary is a very tough one.

But you are writing it in a very descriptive and even - if I may say so - poetic way. Only someone who is very eloquent uses such words, even more since English is not your mother's tongue. And you've received the first like from Matrix, the owner and admin of this forum, what I fully understand.

"Ironic, right. I have time. When I was younger, I never had enough time, for my science, for music, movies, books. It was always less hours in a day, less days in a month... Now, I have all the time in the world and I am not reading, working, researching... What am I doing? Literarily nothing."

This indicates that you obviously are in a severe depression. You should get help, not only from psychiatrists. Could you meet people, neighbors etc.?

And you know that we are always here too.
Click to expand...
thanks so much! I will try to meet people, this is really a great advice... when I was younger I used to force myself to go in a city buss or subway and ride all day long, just to be with ANY people, and then I would call somebody for a coffee, a friend or colleague... or I was coming very early to the lab, and had a coffee with our cleaning ladies, who always made a coffee brake at 7 am :) and I used to listen to their problems, usual daily problems, learning about life... My God, they were so kind to me, and these were among nicest people I had ever met! Thanks!!!!!
 
Well I can relate to much of this. I was a seriously abused child... right up until young adulthood... My mother killed herself when I was a teen leaving me to raise my siblings.. who had to watch while I was beaten amost on a daily basis by my father.. and eventualy by my brother through learned behaviour.. ....

I was first married to a chronic gambler...then to an alcoholic wife beater and cheater.. so I know... and I know how it affects us all and how it afects people differently.. and i'm sorry you feel it's affected you this way by abusing your own body .. and no-one who has't been through it can understand how this affects the mental health for the long term... but you needn't allow it to do that...that's the key.

You'll never erase the worst memories. 🤗 . but you can learn to not allow them to dictate your life...becase the fact is you ARE allowing and you are using it as an excuse for the life you have now..

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh it's not meant to but you know you need to wake up out of this ..you're still young at 58...you might not feel it, because you're so poorly but you are the master of your own situation, and it's not too late as an intelligent woman for you to realise you cannot punish your body like this..you cannot allow your mind to create uneccesary problems for you.. and you cannot do this to your children who want a mother.. a real active mum .... healthy

You need to cut the dependency with the husband if you know he's not right for you. .. you need to go a diet, you need to excercise, or you're going to end up in an early grave... and altho' you may not care what happens to you, you have 2 lives you brought into this world who deserve more from you..

I wish you better... for yourself and for your children ...but I do think you need someone to tell you what you need to know and not what you want to hear
From one survivor to another... don;t be a victim, be a survivor.. don't let your past dictate your future 🌷
 
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Dead and lonely and in pain. Who would think that you can feel the pain when you are dead to the world... But it is possible. Like in a Black Mirror, several episodes, I am in a cage, for eternity, and in pain and alone and suffering, with no apparent purpose of that pain, with no exit or visible end, I am in this cage, life sentence, eternity in painful solitude... And I have no idea why. But even if I knew... Why am I a victim, and not a survivor, as hollydolly above nicely suggested? Why? Am I in my own "Black Mirror episode" and who is a director and producer and writer? And why?
Sometimes I hear my kids laughing from their rooms, and I think that it is OK, they don't need me, I should be free to exit this theater of absurd, but then I remember what nice people here wrote, and what psychiatrists are suggesting for years and years of my unsuccessful attempts to get better using psychotherapy...
But still I just wanna die, I want to return my ticket (like Ivan Karamazov), I just wanna out ... exit... end...
But there is no end. Eternal pain.
 

@Krasotkina​

I have been thinking of you, and I do have something to add from my own experience and from my long ago memory.

First, the old memory. One of my aunts lived next door to a family with four children. The mother was troubled but I don't know the cause. She certainly was not beaten by her husband but whatever else had occurred in her life I know not.

One day she crawled under the house and shot herself with her husband's pistol. It was a great shock to my auntie who did not see this coming.

One year later, to the day, her eldest child, a young man who was studying medicine at university, stepped in front of a fast moving train and was killed.

Suicide is not the end of things. It is the beginning of more trauma for those we love, and who love us.

On a more personal note, my husband endured a decade of anxiety and depression. He sought help from his general practitioner who referred him to a psychiatrist and a psychologist. He was prescribed antidepressants and given mental exercises to help him control his panic attacks.

One night, after he had been drinking, he was rebuffed by our daughter who was leaving our house with her small children. He was demanding kisses but she didn't want to order the children to kiss Pa in his state. I had never seen him lose his temper before. He came inside, and in a rage, and pulled over the china cabinet, breaking the glassware, then stormed off into the night.

I left the house and drove away to stay the night in a motel. I rang him to say that I was OK but would not be coming home until the morning, which I did. He was contrite and ashamed.

Things seemed OK after that, but they weren't. One night he went to bed early and by the time I followed he had downed a lot of tranquilisers, spacing them out because he believed that would ensure he did not just vomit them back up. It was a serious attempt at suicide.

I rang for an ambulance and they were able to get him to his feet and walk him out of the house. They took him to hospital where he was admitted. By the time I got to see him he was high as a kite but out of danger.

My son advised me that he could try again, and that the second attempt would probably succeed.

I had to live with the thought that he might try again, and there was little I could do to stop him. I shut down emotionally to protect myself.

Fortunately, he did not try again. Not long after that (I don't remember how long) his depression lifted as if by magic, and we went on to have good times together again.

I ask you now, which choice will you make? To end your life now and risk the consequences of that act for your children, or to cling to the hope of better times to come? No-one else can make that choice for you. I urge you to choose the latter.
 
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@Krasotkina
You wrote: "Sometimes I hear my kids laughing from their rooms, and I think that it is OK, they don't need me, I should be free to exit this theater of absurd...".

You have a blessing, it is your children. They will only laugh if you are alive and living near them. They will not laugh again if you leave them without their mother, you near them.

It will crush them if the "exit" you have in mind is suicide due to "theater of absurd" being depression. There is always a way out of a cage other than death. My four children deserve me more than I deserve to "be free to exit theater of absurd" by suicide due to anything.

If you need to exit in terms of divorce and or getting away from your husband, to be happy and not depressed: walk away. The kids will adjust as young adults.

Suicide? Nope, not if you have children younger than 50.
 
I am so sorry for your pain and suffering. I ask myself why? I get no answers. We feel totally alone when the suffering is worse. Everyday I face neuropathy pain all over, and about a pain level of 8. Meds help. Some times I think suicide is the best answer. Get my things in order and BALST OFF. I haven't yet, but can't say I won't sometime in the "future". If there are any cracks through the darkness, take a look outside the cage. See if there is anything interesting. I do. Then go with that. You can always come back to the cage, just wander about outside it for awhile. Practice makes perfect. :)

welcome.JPG
 
Warrigal said:
I know nothing of the pain that you are going through. All I can offer is this sentence that I read decades ago - "Everything that is, can be otherwise."

Holly knows what you have experienced. Heed her advice and make changes.
Click to expand...
Thanks so much! 🪷 🌹
 
Warrigal said:

@Krasotkina​

I have been thinking of you, and I do have something to add from my own experience and from my long ago memory.

First, the old memory. One of my aunts lived next door to a family with four children. The mother was troubled but I don't know the cause. She certainly was not beaten by her husband but whatever else had occurred in her life I know not.

One day she crawled under the house and shot herself with her husband's pistol. It was a great shock to my auntie who did not see this coming.

One year later, to the day, her eldest child, a young man who was studying medicine at university, stepped in front of a fast moving train and was killed.

Suicide is not the end of things. It is the beginning of more trauma for those we love, and who love us.

On a more personal note, my husband endured a decade of anxiety and depression. He sought help from his general practitioner who referred him to a psychiatrist and a psychologist. He was prescribed antidepressants and given mental exercises to help him control his panic attacks.

One night, after he had been drinking, he was rebuffed by our daughter who was leaving our house with her small children. He was demanding kisses but she didn't want to order the children to kiss Pa in his state. I had never seen him lose his temper before. He came inside, and in a rage, and pulled over the china cabinet, breaking the glassware, then stormed off into the night.

I left the house and drove away to stay the night in a motel. I rang him to say that I was OK but would not be coming home until the morning, which I did. He was contrite and ashamed.

Things seemed OK after that, but they weren't. One night he went to bed early and by the time I followed he had downed a lot of tranquilisers, spacing them out because he believed that would ensure he did not just vomit them back up. It was a serious attempt at suicide.

I rang for an ambulance and they were able to get him to his feet and walk him out of the house. They took him to hospital where he was admitted. By the time I got to see him he was high as a kite but out of danger.

My son advised me that he could try again, and that the second attempt would probably succeed.

I had to live with the thought that he might try again, and there was little I could do to stop him. I shut down emotionally to protect myself.

Fortunately, he did not try again. Not long after that (I don't remember how long) his depression lifted as if by magic, and we went on to have good times together again.

I ask you now, which choice will you make? To end your life now and risk the consequences of that act for your children, or to cling to the hope of better times to come? No-one else can make that choice for you. I urge you to choose the latter.
Click to expand...
You have no idea how grateful I am in this moment for every word you wrote...
Thank you for sharing with me your hard and painful experiences and memories, and I can feel the warm hugs coming all the way from Australia (we live on the north of Germany, grrrr... my job broth us here...).
Also, it is such a blessing that your husbands depression is lifted, this is a strange, but mostly cyclic disease, it comes and goes unexpectedly, but sometimes it just goes and never comes back, and I hope with all my hear that this will be the case of your husband!
Also the story about the unhappy mother and her 4 kids, one ending with a suicide, this had an effect on me as if you splash the icy cold water on me.... Poor woman, and poor kids, all suffering...
Finally, what choice will I make? For sure, I have to hope for better times. I have no other choice. Suicide is out of my list from the moment my twins were born. I knew that I can not leave them, and leave them with God knows what type of traumas... So I will keep whatever strenght I find to hope for the better times.
And thank you, so much... It is middle of the night now here in Germany, and I am feeling warm and I do not feel alone and thank you for that feeling! 💐🌷🌹🪷🌺🌸
 
CooCooforCoCoPuffs said:
@Krasotkina
You wrote: "Sometimes I hear my kids laughing from their rooms, and I think that it is OK, they don't need me, I should be free to exit this theater of absurd...".

You have a blessing, it is your children. They will only laugh if you are alive and living near them. They will not laugh again if you leave them without their mother, you near them.

It will crush them if the "exit" you have in mind is suicide due to "theater of absurd" being depression. There is always a way out of a cage other than death. My four children deserve me more than I deserve to "be free to exit theater of absurd" by suicide due to anything.

If you need to exit in terms of divorce and or getting away from your husband, to be happy and not depressed: walk away. The kids will adjust as young adults.

Suicide? Nope, not if you have children younger than 50.
Click to expand...

Dear CooCooforCoCoPuffs
thanks so much for your understanding and warm words and I am really blessed with my kids, and I am happy to hear that you have 4 children, it must be a lots of work but also huge amounts of love! Thank you! 🍀🍀🍀
 
First, welcome, and please continue to share with us. It can be cathartic.

I do have some idea of what you are going through. Both my parents suffered from depression. My mother had post-partem depression so I was raised as a baby by a nanny. I still suffer from separation anxiety to this day when I leave home to travel. My mother became severely depressed and agoraphobic in her 60's and didn't leave the house for 4 years. When my father passed away I insisted she get out of the house, socialize and find a "purpose" in life, even if it was only to go through the mail and let me know what needed attention. I also had her go on anti-depression medication. She lived a fairly happy life for her remaining 20 years.

I went through my own severe bout of depression almost 20 years ago, along with panic attacks. I understand not wanting to get out of bed in the morning, sleeping much of the day on days off and feeling no joy in things that I once enjoyed. I didn't want to go on living. This, along with the constant feeling of nervousness. I was fortunate to have a very supportive hubby who was seriously concerned and insisted I go to a psychologist. Even the first therapy session was beneficial, and I cried like a baby when he asked me to revisit my life as a 9 year-old child. As a gay kid, there was trauma there. I also went through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and went on Lexapro. These are still valuable to this day.

Please don't give up. There are treatments that can help. As @CooCooforCoCoPuffs mentioned, your children are happy to have you and they need you.
 
Paco Dennis said:
I am so sorry for your pain and suffering. I ask myself why? I get no answers. We feel totally alone when the suffering is worse. Everyday I face neuropathy pain all over, and about a pain level of 8. Meds help. Some times I think suicide is the best answer. Get my things in order and BALST OFF. I haven't yet, but can't say I won't sometime in the "future". If there are any cracks through the darkness, take a look outside the cage. See if there is anything interesting. I do. Then go with that. You can always come back to the cage, just wander about outside it for awhile. Practice makes perfect. :)

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Dear Paco Dennis
thanks so much!
I am so sorry for your neuropathic pain, this must be very hard to live with, especially when pain level is so high. You can try to increase your B vitamins, Omega 3 and all those good fats (avocado, olive oil, fish etc.) and eat as Mediterranean people, lots of fresh vegetables, citrus fruits, olives, goat milk or cheese. Some new research is bringing results that this is the best prevention for all neuro diseases, so maybe it can help your neuropathy. Also you can do exercises for the part of the body that is affected, to strenghten the nerves if possible, and also regulate your blood sugar (that one is killing us and our peripheral nerves, by killing small blood vessels first).
I really hope you will have minimal pain and maximal fun!
And the place you live in, from the photo, this is so great! Nature and green and best part of the US, I am sure!
Thank you for your kind words and sharing, it means a lot !!!!! 🍀🍀🍀🍀🪷🌺🌸
 
seadoug said:
First, welcome, and please continue to share with us. It can be cathartic.

I do have some idea of what you are going through. Both my parents suffered from depression. My mother had post-partem depression so I was raised as a baby by a nanny. I still suffer from separation anxiety to this day when I leave home to travel. My mother became severely depressed and agoraphobic in her 60's and didn't leave the house for 4 years. When my father passed away I insisted she get out of the house, socialize and find a "purpose" in life, even if it was only to go through the mail and let me know what needed attention. I also had her go on anti-depression medication. She lived a fairly happy life for her remaining 20 years.

I went through my own severe bout of depression almost 20 years ago, along with panic attacks. I understand not wanting to get out of bed in the morning, sleeping much of the day on days off and feeling no joy in things that I once enjoyed. I didn't want to go on living. This, along with the constant feeling of nervousness. I was fortunate to have a very supportive hubby who was seriously concerned and insisted I go to a psychologist. Even the first therapy session was beneficial, and I cried like a baby when he asked me to revisit my life as a 9 year-old child. As a gay kid, there was trauma there. I also went through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and went on Lexapro. These are still valuable to this day.

Please don't give up. There are treatments that can help. As @CooCooforCoCoPuffs mentioned, your children are happy to have you and they need you.
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Dear seadoug
thanks so much for sharing and for your warm welcome, I am so sorry for all the troubles you went through, but you helped your mom so much! I am on therapy with Venlafaxine now (last 4-5 years), and I was with different antidepressants for 25 or more years, also with psychotherapy whenever possible (money, location, language issues, I am from former Yugoslavia, eastern Europe), and it helps, for sure, especially psychotherapy, also writing a diary etc. thanks so much!
And thanks God for your husband, who is there for you!!! I wish you both lots of happy days and joy! And thanks, your words are here in my heart now! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
 
Warrigal said:
Just looked in to see how you are travelling.

It is good that back in October you were able to think back to happy times.

Now that Christmas is almost upon us, how are you coping now?
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sorry but I was not checking the forum, so my reaction comes late but THANKS again for all your kindness!!!!!
 
Dear all,
thanks so much for your support and for sharing your experiences and memories and feelings! This means so much and I feel les alone e.g. not alone. All of us are going through tough and sometimes better times, and we all have both happy and sad days... I wish you all more happy days and thanks for accepting me! I promise to be more active and follow your personal stories' and posts, and thanks again! ❤️
 
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