The General Humor Thread

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I will never help anyone again......EVER! I'm too kindhearted or too naive.

Yesterday it was so cold out that I took a man into my home out of the kindness of my hearts. I felt so sorry for him, poor thing was standing stiff and frozen out in the cold, but this morning he had just vanished. Not a word...not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him.

The last straw? When I realized he had peed all over the floor! That's the thanks I get for being good to people!

Now I'm going to warn my friends to watch out for this man! He is heavy-set, wearing nothing but a scarf, he has a carrot-like nose,two black eyes, and his arms are stick skinny. Don't bring him into your house! What a mess he made on the floor.

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Reading between the lines in real estate ads. How it's worded and what it really means.

Cozy – small
Sunken living room– the foundation has subsided
Park-like grounds– a lot of lawn to mow and leaves to rake
On a dead-end street – where teenagers gather on Saturday night to have loud parties
Within walking distance of businesses – in a congested non-zoned area
View – if you like the house on a hill overlooking the city dump or industrial complex
Assumable mortgage – good luck paying it off
Motivated seller – the house is Bob Vila's nightmare
Easement –someone else owns your access to the property and if he gets miffed,can shut you out
Half-bath – the tub doesn't work
Stockade fence – which is hiding the wreck of a house and the junkyard next door
Charming older home – functional obsolescence
Priced to sell – will cost you just as much to fix it up to be habitable
Has potential – see: Motivated seller
Country kitchen - needs new appliances, cabinetry and plumbing
Rustic - extensive deferred maintenance
One-owner home - has been vacant for 10 years
A must-see - has been on the market a long time
In a pet-friendly neighborhood - neighbors have noisy dogs barking at all hours
Close to schools - vandalism and drug dealers
Major appliances included - but they don't work
Open house - huge hole in roof
Near conveniences - noisy neighborhood
Waterfront property - floods every spring
Flexible floor plan - one huge room
 
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