The General Humor Thread

safe_image.gif
 

debodun said:
Reading between the lines in real estate ads. How it's worded and what it really means.

Cozy – small
Sunken living room– the foundation has subsided
Park-like grounds– a lot of lawn to mow and leaves to rake
On a dead-end street – where teenagers gather on Saturday night to have loud parties
Within walking distance of businesses – in a congested non-zoned area
View – if you like the house on a hill overlooking the city dump or industrial complex
Assumable mortgage – good luck paying it off
Motivated seller – the house is Bob Vila's nightmare
Easement –someone else owns your access to the property and if he gets miffed,can shut you out
Half-bath – the tub doesn't work
Stockade fence – which is hiding the wreck of a house and the junkyard next door
Charming older home – functional obsolescence
Priced to sell – will cost you just as much to fix it up to be habitable
Has potential – see: Motivated seller
Country kitchen - needs new appliances, cabinetry and plumbing
Rustic - extensive deferred maintenance
One-owner home - has been vacant for 10 years
A must-see - has been on the market a long time
In a pet-friendly neighborhood - neighbors have noisy dogs barking at all hours
Close to schools - vandalism and drug dealers
Major appliances included - but they don't work
Open house - huge hole in roof
Near conveniences - noisy neighborhood
Waterfront property - floods every spring
Flexible floor plan - one huge room
Click to expand...
@Debs, I see you're very familiar with the real estate sales jargon!. 😅
 
THOU SHALT NOT SKIM FLAVOR FROM THE HOLIDAYS
By Craig Wilson, USA TODAY

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say.Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.

Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine,either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them,you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's?Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots,leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch.You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an egg-nogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7.If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake?Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.

10.And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookie-less January is just around the corner.
 
debodun said:
THOU SHALT NOT SKIM FLAVOR FROM THE HOLIDAYS
By Craig Wilson, USA TODAY

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say.Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.

Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine,either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them,you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's?Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots,leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch.You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an egg-nogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7.If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake?Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.

10.And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookie-less January is just around the corner.
Click to expand...
@debodun , Oh Lordy I gained 12 pounds just reading these 10 tips! :oops:
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top