Why advice giving goes wrong, sometimes

A

Aurora

Member
Location
midwest USA
I have been thinking why giving advice to others who you know or not know often goes wrong. Most of the time people have
good intentions, but they look at the decision or situation from their individual point of view. If John asks Jack for advice,
John responds with what he would do if it was his choice. John has personal feelings and biases. But Jack might not be
interested at all in what John would do. John is a very different person with different life experiences. Jack wants to know
what he should do as Jack, considering his own feelings, and how he personally will handle the consequences. We all make this mistake, including counselors.

That is one reason that I feel misunderstood in general. Others don't know me as well as they think they do.

How about you? Do you agree with me about what Jack wants and expects from John?
 

Aurora, I agree with you wholeheartedly. It is very difficult for most people to truly empathise with another, without our personal bias getting in the way Counselors are often the worst culprits. Sometimes ego gets in the way of compassion and just

listening! A good therapist learns more from his or her clients than he or she can ever teach them--providing she has experienced a conversion to doubt, and come down from the mountain top. Lol.
 
When somebody asks you for advice you get them to talk and explore their options. By listening sometimes they can work out what they want to do on their own. Just listening is exactly what helps so many issues.
 

Aurora said:
I have been thinking why giving advice to others who you know or not know often goes wrong.........

That is one reason that I feel misunderstood in general. Others don't know me as well as they think they do.

How about you? Do you agree with me about what Jack wants and expects from John?
Click to expand...


I think Jack shouldn't expect anything from John. In fact, I think that can be the root of so many family/friendship problems. When you 'expect' people to do something, say a certain thing, act a particular way or advise you a certain way, you're projecting your sense of propriety on another and that's just not fair to them. Besides, invariably you're disappointed because they don't live up to your expectations and then you both feel crummy (if you told them that is).

Like my mom always expected me to raise my kids just like she raised us and I'm not her so I did things my way and she was always PO'd because 'I let her down' or 'I wasn't doing it right'!

Better to have no expectations and then count it a blessing when something happens that does please you. I think it also leaves you with emotional room to just enjoy the other person for who they are you know.
 
To me, a lot of it depends upon the 'delivery' of the advice... To "TELL" somebody (such as a close friend) "this is what you SHOULD do" just is not right... but if you can possibly see a way for the person to be helped out...Like maybe something that has worked for you (or others) a person could say "Here is an idea... tell me what you think about it..." ...and then let the person decide.
 
I hardly ever ask people for advise, I figure I know me better than anyone else. I will give advise freely but I usually say "If Linda were queen of the world, this is how it would be...". It's just too hard to see things from the other person's perspective.
 
The very best way to avoid getting advice you don't want is to not ask. When unasked for advice is given, you can say something benign like "thank you for sharing".
 
Debby said:
I think Jack shouldn't expect anything from John. In fact, I think that can be the root of so many family/friendship problems. When you 'expect' people to do something, say a certain thing, act a particular way or advise you a certain way, you're projecting your sense of propriety on another and that's just not fair to them. Besides, invariably you're disappointed because they don't live up to your expectations and then you both feel crummy (if you told them that is).

Like my mom always expected me to raise my kids just like she raised us and I'm not her so I did things my way and she was always PO'd because 'I let her down' or 'I wasn't doing it right'!

Better to have no expectations and then count it a blessing when something happens that does please you. I think it also leaves you with emotional room to just enjoy the other person for who they are you know.
Click to expand...


I agree Debby. This has happened with friends and others. I expect them to empathize with me and they will not or cannot do this.
My life experiences are so very different than others that they cannot relate or understand.
 
I've never been great at giving advice. Tragically, that knowledge hasn't seemed to be enough to always stop me from doing so.
 
I am on another very active board where people are always getting butt-hurt about advice. Someone will say, "I'm thinking about doing _____________. What do you think about that?" and some people will say it's a good idea and others will reply with, "Well, I tried that and it didn't work...or....I don't think that's a good idea....or....You'll probably regret doing that."

In no time at all, the whole thing degenerates into a mess of "JUST BECAUSE IT DIDN'T WORK FOR YOU DOESN'T MEAN IT WON'T WORK FOR ME...and....YOU'RE JUST A BUNCH OF MEANIES.....AND ALL OF YOU ARE DUMPING ON MY DREAMS...etc, etc." There is ALWAYS an accusation of "bullying", which is generally thrown out whenever anyone doesn't agree.

I stay out of any advice requests, get my popcorn and sit back to watch the show.
 

Attachments

  • butthurt report form.jpg
    butthurt report form.jpg
    93.8 KB · Views: 27
Shalimar and others,
I agree with Aurora also. I tried and did not succeed to make a similar point with other posts. Sometimes the great difference between people show
it difficult or impossible to truly understand and empathize. Rich vs. Poor, Very Successful vs. Homeless peoples, Happily Married vs.
Isolated and Alone, etc.
 
Victor, I hear you. For me it works best, when I set my "knowledge/bias" aside, and just listen. Usually, some commonality can be found, if the other person feels truly heard, rather than ignored or judged. Empathy is a powerful communicative tool.
 
A psych professor I once had said " when you choose your advisor, you are really choosing your advice" , meaning folk often ask for advice from someone they think will tell them what they want to hear, or at least treat them kindly. I think this is often true.
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top