It's National tell a joke day. So-----tell a joke.

Marie5656

Marie5656

SF VIP
Location
Batavia, NY
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

******

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a cat!"


*****



Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
 
Gladys goes to her doctor with her 10th pregnancy.

Doctor says, "Gladys, I've been your family doctor all these years; I delivered all 9 of your children,
but I think you're getting a bit too old for this to continue. What is your explanation ?"

Gladys explains that she thinks it's because she's hard of hearing.

Dr. asks her to explain.

So Gladys says, "Well, Every night when my husband and I get into bed, my husband says. "You want to go to sleep or what?"

And I always say, "WHAT ??"
 
One day, a man from the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.

When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo. They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, when one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.

Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situation and the zoo keeper immediately took steps to save the man's friend. The zoo keeper got an axe and asked the man, "OK, which gorilla did it? Was it the male or the female?" The New Yorker pointed out the female as the culprit. Quickly, the zoo keeper split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech.

He looked at the man from New York, who shrugged and said, "Guess the Czech is in the male."
 
An elderly Mr. Steinberg and the widow Joyce Cohen were sitting in the lobby of a retirement home.

Mr. Steinberg, a widower himself, says to Joyce, "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget."

Joyce considers this for a moment and then, after digging through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.

Mr. Steinberg says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?"

Joyce says, "No, I want four times in the rocker."
 
A trucker came into a truck stop restaurant and placed his order. “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”
The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. … What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”
“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires means three pancakes; a pair of headlight...s is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards is two slices of crisp bacon!”
“Oh … OK!” replied the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?”
She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”
 
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, "If you don’t do the following, your husband will lose his will to live and surely die."

 Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send
 him off to work in a good mood.

 At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.

 For dinner, fix especially nice meals selected from his favorite foods and don’t burden him with household chores or problems.

 Make love with him several times a week and satisfy his every sexual whim.

 On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.
 She replied, "You’re going to die." ​
 
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never heard before -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
 
The new lawyer...

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone.

He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking...

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million..."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support..."

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details..."

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.

Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.

"I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company...I came to hook up your phone."

:)
 
The lady's parrot became very ill so she took it to the vet. The vet said "It's too late, the parrot is dead."

The lady, in disbelief begged "Please, can you get someone else in here to check?" So, the vet opened the door and let in a Labrador retriever. The dog sniffed at the parrot, shook it's head and left the room.

The lady becoming hysterical, begged the vet for just one more opinion , so the vet again opened the door and let in a cat. The cat jumped up on the table, sniffed the parrot, sadly shook it's head jumped down and left the room.

Now the vet asked the lady to pay the bill of one thousand dollars.

"What?" shrieked the lady. "Why so much?" The vet replied; "It would have been less but I have to charge for the lab report and the cat scan".
 
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello? " she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here? " she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!? " Then she heard a voice from far, far away: "Hello! We're down here... "
 
A guy needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse.
In order for it to go, he would say “Thank God” and for it to stop he would have to say “Amen”.

So the guy went, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse.
A few hours later, he woke up and was going off the edge of a cliff.
So he shouted “Amen!” and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge.

“Whew,” he said. “Thank God.”
 
Sassycakes said:
A guy needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse.
In order for it to go, he would say “Thank God” and for it to stop he would have to say “Amen”.

So the guy went, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse.
A few hours later, he woke up and was going off the edge of a cliff.
So he shouted “Amen!” and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge.

“Whew,” he said. “Thank God.”
Click to expand...

There was a nature show on the other night on PBS. It was about parallel evolution between Africa and America. They talked about many animals. One of the animals was a bird. There is a bird in Africa that sits on cattle and pecks insects. It is called an Ox Pecker.
The bird that is the counterpart in America is for donkeys. It is called an Ass Picker.
 
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
 
Pappy said:
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Click to expand...

One man walks up to another who is standing by a 10' trailer with 4 elephants in it. The first man asks, "What are those elephants doing in that trailer". The other man says, "Trying to get out".
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top