Family Secret

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Patnono

Member
Location
Whittier,Ca
I had my DNA done over a year ago, recently a man wrote me saying that I was a match as a 1st cousin. He's looking for either of his parents.

This was about 66 years ago. There is no record of his birth he was born at home, the adoptive parents went and got a birth certificate from the hospital later, you could do that back then, his mom was 16, she gave him away to a family friend of her uncle's, that she came back later she had changed her mind, they refused to give him back. Obviously she didn't know her rights. So she let it go. He has information that I was familiar with the area he heard where she lived. I had plenty of relatives that lived there.

I'm nervous about this because it would be life changing, if his father is related to me, he might not had known? The parents would be in their 80's if their even alive? I mentioned this to my brother, he got somewhat defensive not that he knew anything, but not wanting to disrupt anybodys life?

Next month is our family reunion with my mom's side, this is the only chance to ask questions? How do I approach this? Or should I ? I want to help him, he's had a rough time growing up because of this. His adoptive parents are dead. And his adoptive father treated him terribly because he wasn't blood related. But the Cat is out of the Bag. Hope it ends up well?
 

Interesting. My SIL had hers done and also heard from someone who said they were a first cousin as well. Anyway, do you have an idea of which side of the family he is related to? I say go for bringing it up. It would make for an interesting topic of discussion at the reunion. With so many people having their DNA done, I think more people will find unknown relatives such as this. If you think the guy is legit, and not after anything more than getting info, I say give it a try. Especially if you feel your family would be willing to help out.
 
No, he doesn't know because the DNA just matches you with others with your DNA and your ethnicity. How would I know if his reasons are legit? He knows nothing about what I have or don't? He said he was an attorney, he's retired now. I googled him and it did list him as an attorney. He's not asked any questions about what I do for a living or anything besides asking questions about relatives. He told me what city he lives in, that city he lives in you have to have money.
 

I know zip-all about my father's life, he married mother late, he was late 40s - 50. I'd welcome finding a cousin from his previous life ... But. This is fraught with all kinds of difficulties.

I think that the question of just why somebody contacts you about family connections needs to be answered honestly by all and with a proviso that if either side is uncomfortable for any reason than the possible connection remains "possible" and only that.
 
I wouldn't see it as a life-changing event for me as much as I would a life-changing event for him.

I think that it would be fairly easy to narrow down the possibilities among your aunts and uncles based on age and whereabouts in the year prior to this fellas birth. If any of them are still alive I would tell them that this man has turned up and ask how they feel about helping him. If they are all dead I would give him the genealogical information for your aunts and uncles and leave it at that.
 
I am a perennial skeptic about people who just turn up, and particularly about people who turn up on the internet. If I were in your situation, I would not give him any personal information at all until I knew he was who he says he is and that he is legit.

I would first want to know if he really is who he says he is -- he says he's a lawyer and you've verified there's a lawyer with the same name he gave you; BUT that doesn't prove he is that person. There are lots of instances of unscrupulous people trying to ingratiate themselves in the lives of others (especially of older women) for nefarious reasons. Be VERY careful.
 
Butterfly said:
I am a perennial skeptic about people who just turn up, and particularly about people who turn up on the internet. If I were in your situation, I would not give him any personal information at all until I knew he was who he says he is and that he is legit.

I would first want to know if he really is who he says he is -- he says he's a lawyer and you've verified there's a lawyer with the same name he gave you; BUT that doesn't prove he is that person. There are lots of instances of unscrupulous people trying to ingratiate themselves in the lives of others (especially of older women) for nefarious reasons. Be VERY careful.
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My thoughts exactly. Maybe I’m a skeptic too.
 
I say bring it up with the family, and let the good times roll! Sounds like you've been able to verify some basics about this person, and if everyone in the family says "nope", then you just let him know that. If a family member says "Yep/Maybe" then you can go from there.

66 years ago puts everything beyond the statute of limitations on any "sins" so what's the harm?
 
Hi I hear you, I am being cautious, ancestry.com is a reputable site that he and I did the DNA with. This isn't an accident that we matched, he couldn't have made that up. A few other relatives have matched with me who have provided proof that we're related. I know the site is legit. He couldn't provide proof because of the circumstances behind his birth. DNA is a powerful technique that is used all time now. Believe me I have nothing to give in anyway shape or form. We've only been discussing family trees. I'am proceeding with caution. Thanks for writing, ill write if anything arises.
 
I would certainly bring it up at the reunion. Shoot, I'd probably invite him to the reunion. You people are running out of time. I'm glad my 29 year old grandson went looking for us. Now we have 3 great grandchildren and 2 of them are twins! Today it's so easy and economical to find out if someone is related to you. Of course, you shouldn't give money or property or even a place to spend the night to someone just because they are related to you, any more than you would the relatives you already have.

Remember serial killers have relatives too.
 
Thank you for writing, I'm glad you have your grandson and now great-grandchildren in your life.
I plan on speaking to relatives at the reunion, your right time is of the essence. If his parents are still alive? They would be in there 80's. The mom did try to get him back. Your right about relatives being killers too. I have no money or any material to give, I live on a shoestring as it is. He's not asked any questions about stuff like that. I will proceed with caution. So thank you again and enjoy your family.
 
Long before DNA I more or less 'turned up' at my half-brother's place.

I was adopted as a toddler and applied for my original birth certificate when records were unsealed. An older brother and sister were listed, so I just picked up the phone book and he was listed there too. I rang him and he accepted me immediately and without question even though he had just had a substantial win on keno, not that I knew that of course, but he couldn't know for sure that I didn't. I offered to meet up somewhere public for the first time and he insisted I come to his house instead. They are very special people.

He and his wife never once questioned my motives, well not to my face anyway. LOL My sister on the other hand ... well, we won't go there.
 
Glad you had a good experience, sounds like you're sister didn't? I know I'm going to get some push back from this? I already did kinda? My brother questioned some information he gave me?
Be didn't know that side of the family well, he's my half brother, we shared a Mom. I'm a little uncomfortable about that possibility? I want to help him. I don't think it shouldn't be anybody's business but his parents who are hopefully alive and his to have a say.
 
My sister and I never met, sadly she and my half brother are estranged. He gave me her address and I spoke to her on the phone. I had always said that if either of them didn't want to continue contact I wouldn't push it. She decided not to have contact. I'm a little sad about that but you can't really miss something you never had, so I have moved on.

My biological parents were never involved in our 'reunion', both presumably have passed away, my mother definitely, my father - no one knows. My mother died young and my siblings were placed in an orphanage. I was born in August 1945 in Brisbane. A rather large number of my contemporaries are adoptees.

There was a large contingent of American servicemen here at the time, around 80,000. There's a pretty good chance at least some of those adoptees have an American biological father.

Edited to add... I admire you for wanting to help, and I hope it turns out to be a good experience for you as well.
 
Leonie, I'm so glad your brother accepted you so readily. I'm sorry your sister didn't. The day our grandson got in touch with me he told me not to worry, he wasn't after a kidney or anything. :) So I knew he had my sense of humor. He just wanted to talk to his dad, who sadly died 2 years previously but his half brother and uncles and aunt accepted him right off, just like my husband and I did.

If I were in my 80s and had a child out there somewhere, it would be my fondest hope to hear from them before I died.
 
Thanks for taking the time to tell your story. Sorry it didn't work out for you. Maybe she'll change her mind? I'm glad you seem to be ok with that. A family member told me that they didn't believe in the DNA testing. I have proven her wrong with another relative who had contacted me, she provided me with pictures that I forwarded to her, she is now a believer. And I sent the DNA relative a picture of relatives without naming them, she was dead on with their names. This latest relative that contacted me said I'm the closest relative that he's match with. There have been 2nd and 3rd cousins. I know there's going to be some push back about this. But the cat is out of the bag as they say, I've already mentioned it to a couple of relatives. Someone had suggested that I take him to the reunion? I wouldn't do that it wouldn't be fair to either side. He also said he wouldn't push it if they didn't want anything to do with him. I'm hoping for a happy ending for my new found cousin and if me being only a 1st cousin is good enough for him? Maybe we can have a relationship?
 
Thanks Linda, I know his mom would welcome him with open arms, she did try to get him back, but seems that she was alone in this. I believe someone knows something? but this was so long ago they might not be alive? My reunion is next month, not sure how I'm going to approach my relatives about this? Don't want to ruin anyone's day?!
 
Hi here's an update about my New cousin. I don't know what he expected from me? I was doing what I can to help him. Our last contact with him wasn't a positive one. I told him that 2 of my 3 kids are supporting me helping him. He did not like that one of them didn't. I told him that she is just very protective of her relatives. That I would still help him. It's been over 2 weeks, no response from him. Maybe he had unrealistic ideas about this that it would maybe be smooth sailing as you know these things are not always so easy. I've decided to leave it alone and let him write me back. Our family reunion is in a couple of weeks, don't know if he's lost interest? I dont want to go to the reunion and ask questions for nothing? What would you do? Thanks
 
Butterfly said:
Patnono, I would drop it and just let it play out as it will. I would not want to risk alienating the rest of my family for one alleged cousin who may or may not be legit.
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I believe he's legit, we we're matched through Ancestry DNA. If I don't hear from him by the time of the reunion, I won't pursue it. It's just this reunion won't happen again till next year. I'm not close enough to these relatives that I keep in touch with. It could be his Only shot at finding out what he's looking for. I don't know now if he's serious?
 

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