What would you do?

debbie in seattle

debbie in seattle

Senior Member
Location
Seattle
A little background.......My oldest daughter (mid 40’s) doesn’t really like being around my deceased husbands family. This summer when we had a memorial service for him at the family compound, she showed up. My husband has a HUGE family with 3 sisters running the whole show (bitching, carrying on, spreading gossip, etc). One sis in law has decided every time she sees me, she bitches about my daughter, but always prefaces it with ‘we’ meaning the three sisters. First time I was speechless, but this bitching has continued with no stopping or cooling down. My reaction to tell her off and shut her damned mouth but I’m trying to take a higher road. It’s nonstop with the sister in law. She’s even said that my daughter is ‘not welcome’ around the family. I’ve also thought of asking her how she would feel if I said that kind of stuff about her three kids. Yea, yea, petty. I’m trying to be kind and nice to these folks, but man, this one is hard.

What would you do?
 

How about just asking her politely to not discuss it with you because you would rather leave it between them and your daughter. Also tell her that talking to you about it, makes you feel like you're in the middle and you don't want that.
 
debbie in seattle said:
A little background.......My oldest daughter (mid 40’s) doesn’t really like being around my deceased husbands family. This summer when we had a memorial service for him at the family compound, she showed up. My husband has a HUGE family with 3 sisters running the whole show (bitching, carrying on, spreading gossip, etc). One sis in law has decided every time she sees me, she bitches about my daughter, but always prefaces it with ‘we’ meaning the three sisters. First time I was speechless, but this bitching has continued with no stopping or cooling down. My reaction to tell her off and shut her damned mouth but I’m trying to take a higher road. It’s nonstop with the sister in law. She’s even said that my daughter is ‘not welcome’ around the family. I’ve also thought of asking her how she would feel if I said that kind of stuff about her three kids. Yea, yea, petty. I’m trying to be kind and nice to these folks, but man, this one is hard.

What would you do?
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Unfortunately, trying to "be kind and nice" often times just doesn't work. Coming out and saying something like "enough is enough of what you are saying" and sticking with that comment will work.
 

Deb, are you close to other members of this family that you want to maintain a relationship with?

Would it be possible to not see these 3 sisters, but still see the others you like? I think that's what I would try to do, if some of these people were friends to me. I'd also mention as April did, that you'd prefer not to hear anymore detrimental comments about your girl.

It sounds like your daughter doesn't want a relationship with them anyway.

Because I sense there are others in this clan that you value, I would calmly tell those 3 to stop bad mouthing your daughter. If they don't stop, I'd stay away from those 3.

Good luck! :)
 
They sound like what people call "attention whores" and "toxic".*
It's imperative that you and your daughter fill your lives with positivity.

Remember this quote:
"I'm learning to love the sound of my feet walking away from things not meant for me".

Just walk away and pray silently for them that their hearts will be softened so they can once again give and receive love.

*Btw, "Toxic" is the word of the year so there must be many others experiencing the same thing.
Our nation has a growing number of "haters" and those that are just bitter. It's not you nor your daughter.
 
debbie in seattle said:
A little background.......My oldest daughter (mid 40’s) doesn’t really like being around my deceased husbands family. This summer when we had a memorial service for him at the family compound, she showed up. My husband has a HUGE family with 3 sisters running the whole show (bitching, carrying on, spreading gossip, etc). One sis in law has decided every time she sees me, she bitches about my daughter, but always prefaces it with ‘we’ meaning the three sisters. First time I was speechless, but this bitching has continued with no stopping or cooling down. My reaction to tell her off and shut her damned mouth but I’m trying to take a higher road. It’s nonstop with the sister in law. She’s even said that my daughter is ‘not welcome’ around the family. I’ve also thought of asking her how she would feel if I said that kind of stuff about her three kids. Yea, yea, petty. I’m trying to be kind and nice to these folks, but man, this one is hard.

What would you do?
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She is way way way out of line bad mouthing your daughter like that. I know it's easier for me to say it than for you to actually do it, but I'm in favor of telling her to STFU!

 
I have a sister who loves bad-mouthing everyone. I found it best to disagree politely with her, then I stay away from her. If ever she were to say something negative about my daughter, I would put her in her place and very possibly, she would not see me again. Some people love being negative. I have dropped friends in the past who have this quality. Life's too short to be around such toxicity.
 
Debbie, it seems your daughter doesn't want to be around these women, they have the sheer audacity to bad mouth your daughter right there in front of you..so now your husband has gone, is there any reason for you to have anything more to do with these people?

If it were me, and they did this to my adult child, they would be under no illusions what i thought of them, and I'd walk... a very long way away from them forever !!
 
Agreeing with hollydolly' s well expressed advice. Give up in them, you can honor your late husband in your own way without having anything to do with them.
 
I have to agree with walking away from them. It's all a bunch of junior high school nonsense. Those hens need to get a life. :rolleyes: They would be off my radar!! :mad:
 
debbie in seattle said:
A little background.......My oldest daughter (mid 40’s) doesn’t really like being around my deceased husbands family. This summer when we had a memorial service for him at the family compound, she showed up. My husband has a HUGE family with 3 sisters running the whole show (bitching, carrying on, spreading gossip, etc). One sis in law has decided every time she sees me, she bitches about my daughter, but always prefaces it with ‘we’ meaning the three sisters. First time I was speechless, but this bitching has continued with no stopping or cooling down. My reaction to tell her off and shut her damned mouth but I’m trying to take a higher road. It’s nonstop with the sister in law. She’s even said that my daughter is ‘not welcome’ around the family. I’ve also thought of asking her how she would feel if I said that kind of stuff about her three kids. Yea, yea, petty. I’m trying to be kind and nice to these folks, but man, this one is hard.

What would you do?
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Debbie, your story reminds me of Cinderella and the Three Ugly/Evil step sisters. If their lives were happy, satisfied, etc. then I don't see why they would have to be so critical of your daughter's life. Healthy people don't do that. There appears to be some kind of pathological/emotional problems of the three (or mainly one leader of the three) that uses your daughter (and others) as excuses for their own unsatisfactory lives. I've lived through something of that with some of our families (both sides) with my mother. I say, if you want to continue with them in even a little way, just remember it's their sad problem, not yours or your daughter's.

I remember when my uncle (mother's brother) in one of my visits to Vienna. showed me a picture of my white so-called father. I just simply shook my head and went with our conversation with him and my cousin who I was introducing themselves to each other. And after that we went on with a good time. And, no, I didn't say anything to my mother afterwards, which he probably hoped I would. Sorry, but I didn't fall for whatever was his problem.

There are stuff in our families, hidden or not, that are there and let it be their problems, not ours.
 
Let's just all hope she is tough enough to do what, perhaps, she should do. Some people don't, because they don't want to create a riff in the family.
 
If only we could be so black and white about it. But that's not life. No life is perfect, and we just have to learn in the best way how do deal with it. Easy to say just forget it when you're not personally involved.
 
I think you already know the answer to your question. If your loyalty lies with your daughter, and I’m sure it does, why would you want to be around people that continue to berate or even cast a dark light on your daughter. Sometimes, we have to make tough choices in life.

I’m guessing that you would like to keep some kind of contact with your deceased husband’s family, but at what cost? Why not take a break and stay away from a few family functions? If that doesn’t send a message or they can’t figure it out, then explain it to them, but talk slow.
 
Olivia said:
If only we could be so black and white about it. But that's not life. No life is perfect, and we just have to learn in the best way how do deal with it. Easy to say just forget it when you're not personally involved.
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I don't think anyone is saying life is easy or perfect or simple. True, we're not personally involved, but she presented a problem and ends her post by asking "What would you do?" People have answered.
 
applecruncher said:
I don't think anyone is saying life is easy or perfect or simple. True, we're not personally involved, but she presented a problem and ends her post by asking "What would you do?" People have answered.
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My bad, I was answering to the following. I was only relating to myself that it was somewhat like my mom who went through it. Now that you made me have to say it, when my dad had to go off to Korea, he made my Japanese family's dad made my mom's hell and and we had to go off and live with friends. It all got mostly all right in the end, but it's LIFE! Get over it.
 
These kinda threads always cause me to ask myself what I’d do

Mainly due to this;

debbie in seattle said:
What would you do?
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However
Some cause me to think ‘why would I?’

This is wunna them

Why would I continue with incorrigible inlaws of my deceased mate?
Reminisce about the good times? Really?

Sure, attend the memorial of your husband
Maybe even say some things…about him

Then…fffffft, gone

They no longer exist, either

No bantering
No drama
No more ill feelings
No feelings at all
Life is just too short
So, get on with it, not theirs
 
debbie in seattle said:
A little background.......My oldest daughter (mid 40’s) doesn’t really like being around my deceased husbands family. This summer when we had a memorial service for him at the family compound, she showed up. My husband has a HUGE family with 3 sisters running the whole show (bitching, carrying on, spreading gossip, etc). One sis in law has decided every time she sees me, she bitches about my daughter, but always prefaces it with ‘we’ meaning the three sisters. First time I was speechless, but this bitching has continued with no stopping or cooling down. My reaction to tell her off and shut her damned mouth but I’m trying to take a higher road. It’s nonstop with the sister in law. She’s even said that my daughter is ‘not welcome’ around the family. I’ve also thought of asking her how she would feel if I said that kind of stuff about her three kids. Yea, yea, petty. I’m trying to be kind and nice to these folks, but man, this one is hard.

What would you do?
Click to expand...

That's a tough one Debbie. Do you enjoy interacting with all the other members of his family aside from the sisters? If you really don't enjoy being around the rest of him family too, then I'd just stop going to these affairs. The one sister in law sounds really offensive to me, it would be hard for me not to put her in her place, but there might be an awkward public scene especially if the three sisters all became defensive and hostile at once against you.

Is there anyone in the family that knows the things they say to you about your daughter? Would anyone take your side if there was an argument going on at their 'compound'? It's hard for me to offer advice, I guess if it were me, and I didn't care very much for the others there, I would just stop seeing them....but it is better if family members know the reason behind it.

I feel for you, if it was a memorial service for my deceased husband, I would want it to be positive and comforting, not nasty and confrontational. Also, if they were saying my daughter was not welcome, I wouldn't want to be there either. Does the rest of his family welcome your daughter? If it's just these sisters only, I'd try to ignore them, but you have to do what you feel is best for yourself and your happiness, your husband would want it that way. Weigh the pros and cons, and follow your heart.
 
Particularly cruel in my view debbie, given the fact you were attending a memorial service after the recent loss of your husband, you’d think the family would be falling over themselves to look after you and make sure you were coping

It sounds like the situation has been going on for a while so, as others have said, do you need to keep in contact with these nasty people, must they figure in your life anymore, why try to be ‘nice and kind’ to anyone who treats you so badly ?

You don’t need or deserve it
 
If anyone even a family member said something bad about my child I would walk away and never look back. My Dad's family hated my Mother because my parents married at a young age. Even though we were never welcomed to any affair my Mother went so as not to hurt my Dad. She took a lot of abuse from them.but never wanted my Dad to lose contact with them. After my Dad passed away I never had contact with them again for what they put my Mother through. I had 7 Aunts ,1 Uncle and over 20 cousins. It's been years now that I haven't had contact with any of them and I am happy. If there is no important reason to see them I honestly would never forgive what they said about my daughter and as I said I would just walk away and not look back.I just wonder what your husband would have done if he were here.
 
Wren said:
Particularly cruel in my view debbie, given the fact you were attending a memorial service after the recent loss of your husband, you’d think the family would be falling over themselves to look after you and make sure you were coping

It sounds like the situation has been going on for a while so, as others have said, do you need to keep in contact with these nasty people, must they figure in your life anymore, why try to be ‘nice and kind’ to anyone who treats you so badly ?

You don’t need or deserve it
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I emphatically agree -- what a lousy way for her to behave at your husband's memorial service, or at any time, for that matter. I'd tell her what I thought about it, and then walk away and leave 'em all in the dust. You don't need that kind of behavior in your life, and now that your husband is gone, you're not under any obligation to have anything to do with those people.
 

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