Anything Scottish, just for fun!

Furryanimal said:
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Haggis Seize Highland Plough and Gritter Depot, Demand 10,000 Bottles of Whisky!


The first major snowfall of the winter has brought parts of the Highlands to a complete standstill, but not because of the weather alone. As soon as the snow began falling this morning, a large mob of rogue haggis swarmed the local depot and seized control by blocking the exit, preventing both the ploughs and the gritters from getting out to clear the roads.



Council staff say the haggis have formed a “woolly barricade” around the vehicles, refusing to budge until their demands are met. Several haggis leaders have stepped forward for negotiations, armed with tiny shovels and cardboard signs, insisting they will not release the ploughs or gritters unless the council provides 10,000 bottles of whisky “up front, nae IOUs.”



Adding to the chaos, a separate breakaway faction of opportunistic, and less aggressive species of haggis has been spotted wandering through nearby villages offering to clear roads, driveways, and even patio furniture “for a wee dram tae keep us warm.” Witnesses report they’re using stolen council shovels, and one resident claims their entire grit bin has been “mysteriously emptied” after a group of haggis were seen waddling away looking suspiciously frosty.




Police Scotland have now been called to the scene, where officers are attempting to negotiate with the haggis leaders. According to a spokesperson, talks are “tense but ongoing,” with officers warning the public not to approach the animals, as haggis are known to become highly aggressive negotiators when whisky is involved. One officer was reportedly chased after offering them ginger ale as a compromise.



With all three ploughs and gritters still trapped inside the depot, major routes across the Highlands remain buried under deep snow. Several villages have been cut off entirely, buses are cancelled, and one unlucky motorist had to abandon their car after a group of haggis surrounded it and attempted to trade “safe passage” for a hip flask. Authorities are urging the public to stay indoors unless absolutely necessary, or at least until negotiations reach a less whisky fuelled stage.



A crisis meeting is now underway, though experts warn that with 10,000 bottles of whisky on the table, a peaceful resolution “may take some time.” Until then, locals are advised to keep their best bottles hidden, avoid eye contact with any haggis carrying a shovel, and remain patient as Scotland faces what officials are already calling “the most chaotic start to winter on record.”
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Scottish Aye

LOCH NESS DRAINING PROJECT, ROUND 2 BEGINS TODAY.
“Bigger pipes, bigger tanks, bigger chaos… and this time, hopefully fewer teeth marks.”
Exactly one year ago, Scotland watched in disbelief as engineers, scientists, and one very rich but very mysterious investor attempted the impossible, draining Loch Ness in a final effort to find, study, and somehow clone the Loch Ness Monster.
Their plan famously failed when they discovered the loch was “a wee bit deeper than expected”… by roughly 212 metres, which feels like something they maybe should’ve checked beforehand.
But that wasn’t the only issue.
Halfway through the operation, crews were forced to shut everything down after discovering enormous bite marks taken out of several of the main siphon pipes, perfectly circular, suspiciously tooth shaped, and definitely not caused by “an underwater shopping trolley,” despite the official statement at the time.
The pipes had been sabotaged, and everyone in Scotland knew exactly who the prime suspect was.
But now, one year later, they're back for Round 2, And this time?
They’ve come back angrier, louder, and armed with industrial plumbing that would make Mario and Luigi greet them with a respectful nod.
New upgrades include,
48% bigger pipes, officially described as “loch-sized,” unofficially described as “daft.”
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Monster proof reinforced pipework, lined with tooth resistant alloy, pressure sealed, rumoured to have been tested by letting a Highland Midge chew on a sample.
Over 6,000 new mega tanks being anchored off the coast to hold the loch water.
And a dedicated tugboat named “The Sooker.”
Along with a fresh promise from the anonymous investor that they are “97% certain Nessie is in there somewhere this time.”
Their renewed scientific goal,
Find Nessie. Study Nessie. Clone Nessie.
Scientists remain unsure where a full herd of cloned Nessies would actually live, that’s apparently a “Phase 4 problem.”
The operation kicked off at 5:42am this morning
Crews lowered the first of the new monster proof siphon pipes into the loch, and locals immediately reported unusual rumbling noises. Engineers insist this is “completely normal and not because big Rab had a kebab at 3am.”
So the question on everyone’s mind is the same as last year, Will they finally manage to drain Loch Ness…or will Scotland witness another multi million-pound disaster involving burst pipes, overflowing tanks, and Nessie casually popping her head up like, “Whit are ye daein’ noo?”
 
THE GREAT TINSEL PINCH STRIKES AGAIN
The Highlands have been plunged into darkness as haggis kick off the festive season in traditional style.
Every year on the 1st of December, just as most of Scotland switches on its Christmas lights, the nation’s haggis begin their ancient festive tradition known as The Great Tinsel Pinch, where they scuttle into towns and villages, and quietly relieve Christmas trees of anything shiny that isn’t nailed down.
By sundown, thousands of haggis can be seen scampering back towards the hills, dragging tinsel, fairy lights, baubles, and in one reported case a full illuminated snowman. Locals describe the scene as “festive… but no’ exactly legal.”
But the real trouble starts when the haggis reach their burrows and attempt to plug in every single strand of stolen fairy lights at once, creating what engineers politely refer to as “a catastrophic festive overload.”
Within moments, sparks fly, circuits blow, and half the Highlands slips into darkness, all because the haggis inevitably try to wire their stolen lights directly into nearby fence posts, elctroc fences, power boxes, and anything that looks remotely electrical, triggering the first official outage of the Christmas season.
Meanwhile, up in the hills, the haggis are delighted with themselves. Their burrows glow faintly, shining so bright that the Highlands can be seen from space, and the wee creatures remain blissfully unaware they’ve plunged half the region into darkness.
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Locals now treat the blackout as the unofficial start of the festive season, lighting candles, pouring a dram, and muttering, “Aye… it’s December noo. The haggis have blown the electrics again.”
Engineers say they’ll “look into preventing it next year,” but everyone knows fine well they won’t be able to stop the sneaky blighters, and anyway nothing says Christmas in Scotland quite like a herd of thieving festive gremlins knocking out the national grid.
 
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