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Haggis Seize Highland Plough and Gritter Depot, Demand 10,000 Bottles of Whisky!
The first major snowfall of the winter has brought parts of the Highlands to a complete standstill, but not because of the weather alone. As soon as the snow began falling this morning, a large mob of rogue haggis swarmed the local depot and seized control by blocking the exit, preventing both the ploughs and the gritters from getting out to clear the roads.
Council staff say the haggis have formed a “woolly barricade” around the vehicles, refusing to budge until their demands are met. Several haggis leaders have stepped forward for negotiations, armed with tiny shovels and cardboard signs, insisting they will not release the ploughs or gritters unless the council provides 10,000 bottles of whisky “up front, nae IOUs.”
Adding to the chaos, a separate breakaway faction of opportunistic, and less aggressive species of haggis has been spotted wandering through nearby villages offering to clear roads, driveways, and even patio furniture “for a wee dram tae keep us warm.” Witnesses report they’re using stolen council shovels, and one resident claims their entire grit bin has been “mysteriously emptied” after a group of haggis were seen waddling away looking suspiciously frosty.
Police Scotland have now been called to the scene, where officers are attempting to negotiate with the haggis leaders. According to a spokesperson, talks are “tense but ongoing,” with officers warning the public not to approach the animals, as haggis are known to become highly aggressive negotiators when whisky is involved. One officer was reportedly chased after offering them ginger ale as a compromise.
With all three ploughs and gritters still trapped inside the depot, major routes across the Highlands remain buried under deep snow. Several villages have been cut off entirely, buses are cancelled, and one unlucky motorist had to abandon their car after a group of haggis surrounded it and attempted to trade “safe passage” for a hip flask. Authorities are urging the public to stay indoors unless absolutely necessary, or at least until negotiations reach a less whisky fuelled stage.
A crisis meeting is now underway, though experts warn that with 10,000 bottles of whisky on the table, a peaceful resolution “may take some time.” Until then, locals are advised to keep their best bottles hidden, avoid eye contact with any haggis carrying a shovel, and remain patient as Scotland faces what officials are already calling “the most chaotic start to winter on record.”
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