A small step that might just change the world, (expectations of our children)

Sunny said:
If I ever met a child who kept saying something like, "Oh, Mother dear, I so appreciate the fact that you love me," I would think, "That's one weird kid." I think you've been reading too much Victorian literature, grahamg.

Human interactions just don't work like that. Nobody, least of all children, say, "Thank you for loving me." As opposed to what? Hating me?

Of course, if you love your child, the child will respond. But if they "express appreciation," as you put it, it sounds like coercion, abuse, fear, and contains a creepy hint of an implied threat. ("Did I remember to tell him I love him today? Maybe then he won't beat me.")

I know you mean well, but that ridiculous idea is not the road to world peace. In normal parent-child relationships, parents love their children, and the children know they are loved. They don't have to keep thanking you for it, for heaven's sake!
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I'd think the same as you suggest if my child said, "Oh Mother dear, I so appreciate the fact you love me", (and not just because I'm the dad :) ).

The point I'm making, (that I do think this is very significant), is whether it is necessary to try to "encourage" children to appreciate their "loving parents", and as you can see above other forum members seem to have grasped the concept and agree with the need for it. What the children then say or do is another matter, and it doesn't worry me if they dont do or say anything in response, just that they have the idea posited in their heads that they are fortunate to be loved, (certainly in a world where hosts of children aren't maybe loved by one parent maybe, or even lack love from either parent).

As children we dont really appreciate what has been done for us I believe, and if a bit of encouragement is given, all could benefit, especially if more harmony is generated, (as I've said).
 

More research:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/...why-adolescents-dont-appreciate-their-parents

Quote:
"The writer put this painful truth this way. "Children always mean more to parents than parents mean to children...As much as I loved my mother and father, I don't think it approached their love for me." How could it be otherwise? After all, no child invests in parents as much as parents invest in their child." (Break)

"Adolescence can be a reminder how most parents feel unappreciated most of the time, tending to the needs of a young person who doesn't want such tending to. "Leave me alone!" "I don't want to talk about it!" "You never let me do anything!" "You're always on my case!" "Why do I have to!" "I'll do it later!"

In the adolescent's defense, it's truly hard to value parents when their demands and restraints keep getting in the way of all the freedom one wants at a more independent-minded age. This is why adolescence is the hard half of parenting. Responsible adults must take unpopular stands against what the adolescent wants for his or her best interests, and parents do not get gratitude for their efforts.

In fact, because they are frequently ignored, discounted, tolerated, criticized, resented, and resisted by their adolescent, parents often feel treated as people to put up with, not care-givers who are sacrificing self-interest on a daily basis to help their son or daughter grow. As a school counselor friend put it: "The challenge with adolescents is how to be the best possible parent to a child who believes I am the worst possible parent." Well stated."

What recently brought this neglect to mind was the complaint of one hard working mother of two adolescents. "Most of the time I feel like I'm invisible for all I do!" Except, that's really not a problem. It's a reality. Most parents labor in obscurity because invisibility of effort is simply an unrewarding condition of parental life."
 
Pepper said:
You can't force someone to love you. This is one neurotic thread.
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Not the general view of the thread so far as I can tell, (the "neurotic " statement).

Anyone denying children might be encouraged to appreciate loving parents is of course arguing against the likes of "Mother's day", or "Father's day" aren't they.

It occurs to me that some who object to anyone putting forward ideas in favour of loving parents getting some kind of recognition, (and wishing to insinuate there is something wrong with the very thought of it), is unable to treat these issues in a mature fashion.
 

Trish said:
Blimey Graham! No offence but, I certainly won't be trawling through that lot! :unsure: :)
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I know you've zoned out on the research but there is a whole lot out there on eastern versus western parenting for anyone willing to read some of it:
https://theconversation.com/how-culture-influences-childrens-development-99791

Quote:
"Because children in different cultures differ in how they think about themselves and relate to others, they also memorise events differently. For example, when preschoolers were asked to describe a recent special personal experience, European-American children provided more detailed description, recalled more specific events and stressed their preferences, feelings and opinions about it more than Chinese and Korean children. The Asian children instead focused more on the people they had met and how they related to themselves.

Cultural effects of parenting

Parents in different cultures also play an important role in moulding children’s behaviour and thinking patterns. Typically, parents are the ones who prepare the children to interact with wider society. Children’s interaction with their parents often acts as the archetype of how to behave around others – learning a variety of socio-cultural rules, expectations and taboos. For example, young children typically develop a conversational style resembling their parents – and that often depends on culture.

European-American children frequently provide long, elaborative, self-focused narratives emphasising personal preferences and autonomy. Their interaction style also tends to be reciprocal, taking turns in talking. In contrast, Korean and Chinese children’s accounts are usually brief, relation-oriented, and show a great concern with authority. They often take a more passive role in the conversations."

More here:
https://www.bournemouth.ac.uk/news/2018-07-31/how-culture-influences-children-s-development

Yet more here:
https://parentingscience.com/chinese-parenting/

And an interesting BBC article here:
https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20210222-the-unusual-ways-western-parents-raise-children
 
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I think if you raise your child not wanting to disappoint you...you're on your way.

I never did drugs because I knew it would kill Mom and Dad, or they would kill me. lol!
 
Let's look at this from a different perspective; What if a parent or parents do something that breaks the line of respect and gratitude so deep it can never be as you suggest it should be? There are situations when parents do not deserve respect or gratitude for screwing up and causing harm to family members, no matter what you say?
 
Your wise words don't fit the scenario posed by the OP, who might be asking if you are mature enough for this subject @Mr. Ed. Square peg, round hole sort of thing.
 
Mr. Ed said:
Let's look at this from a different perspective; What if a parent or parents do something that breaks the line of respect and gratitude so deep it can never be as you suggest it should be? There are situations when parents do not deserve respect or gratitude for screwing up and causing harm to family members, no matter what you say?
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All I say is that is the subject of another thread surely, given the OP mentions parents who love their children, and trying to promote harmony to the benefit of all, (and the abuse angle you and others wish to bring up on this thread has been dealt with as best I can do so, (if saying "those who abuse their children are automatically excluded" isn't enough what more can anyone want or ask?).

It does occur to me though that there is a fairly significant number prepared to try to tar all parents as potential abusers, whilst at the same time asserting no such considerations are necessary when they choose to introduce their new beau directly into the child's life, but that again is off topic, so not really necessary for me to assert here, except that the persistence of some causes me to, even though I know it suits them,.., (you're not included in that bracket though, I hasten to add).

Anyway, we're her to make the world better if at all possible if you wish to join the party! :)
 
Beezer said:
I think if you raise your child not wanting to disappoint you...you're on your way.

I never did drugs because I knew it would kill Mom and Dad, or they would kill me. lol!
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I'm starting a new thread you may find useful, concerning the thinking and early life of a lady called Libby Purves, (an author and radio/tv broadcaster of some note here).
 
grahamg said:
Anyway, we're her to make the world better if at all possible if you wish to join the party! :)
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I don't see how we can make the world a better place. The world is the world and has been this way since for a long time. the world cannot improve unless there is huge overhaul in human understanding and conditioning. Which is not likely to ever happen because at this of life humans are not intelligent put aside our in differences and live in harmony. Someone will always have something that someone else wants, prestige, money, fame, recognition whatever, unless everything, every title, every competition and every label was equal.

Each person can do his/her part in making the world more to their liking. Suppose you did a kind deed, did you make the world a better place or did you simply conduct a kind deed without changing or making the world a better place?

I do not believe the world has feelings or emotions. I think the world is our universal street address in the solar system. As with life, the earth evolves for survival and longevity to support its purpose, life and other purposes. I do not believe the earth can experience sadness or joy I think the purpose of earth is maintain balance and equilibrium.

To make the world a better place is a single mission whose conscious effort should not judge or expect another person to think and do as you do. To make the world a better place, demonstrate and show kindness in all you do and say. If you want to change the world set an example.

Sometimes changing the small world of our neighbors, friends and family is sufficient to the entire planet.
 
Mr. Ed said:
I don't see how we can make the world a better place. The world is the world and has been this way since for a long time. the world cannot improve unless there is huge overhaul in human understanding and conditioning. Which is not likely to ever happen because at this of life humans are not intelligent put aside our in differences and live in harmony. Someone will always have something that someone else wants, prestige, money, fame, recognition whatever, unless everything, every title, every competition and every label was equal.

Each person can do his/her part in making the world more to their liking. Suppose you did a kind deed, did you make the world a better place or did you simply conduct a kind deed without changing or making the world a better place?

I do not believe the world has feelings or emotions. I think the world is our universal street address in the solar system. As with life, the earth evolves for survival and longevity to support its purpose, life and other purposes. I do not believe the earth can experience sadness or joy I think the purpose of earth is maintain balance and equilibrium.

To make the world a better place is a single mission whose conscious effort should not judge or expect another person to think and do as you do. To make the world a better place, demonstrate and show kindness in all you do and say. If you want to change the world set an example.

Sometimes changing the small world of our neighbors, friends and family is sufficient to the entire planet.
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Okay, you may well be right, but no harm in trying a little hey! :)
 
I think you have it backwars. Having children means it’s the parent’s responsibility to provide for their children. If the children appreciate it, that’s a bonus. I never worried about whether my school kids were grateful for what I did for them, and I did plenty. Some were, shall we say, unimpressed, but most were happy to see me every day and it showed. I got a lot of hugs, and that was appreciation enough.
 
Been There said:
Don't parents already teach their children to show appreciation to others when they are treated appropriately or given a gift or have been shown some type of courtesy? I have often heard moms and dads tell their child to say thanks after they are given a piece of candy or maybe treated them to an ice cream cone. Moms and dads alike will say, "What do you say?"
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When a child I can remember strangers, like the check out person, and others commenting on how polite we were as children. That wasn't polite, that was fear. If we did anything wrong in a store, once the car door closed, the rage was on.
 
CarolfromTX said:
I think you have it backwars. Having children means it’s the parent’s responsibility to provide for their children. If the children appreciate it, that’s a bonus. I never worried about whether my school kids were grateful for what I did for them, and I did plenty. Some were, shall we say, unimpressed, but most were happy to see me every day and it showed. I got a lot of hugs, and that was appreciation enough.
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We're only trying to encourage appreciation being shown towards loving parents, (aware how selfish we were in that regard towards our own parents), and whether the child listens or not is secondary!

Surely you can't be against something with the slightest potential for creating more harmony, and everyone might benefit from any change in behaviour. :)
 
Remy said:
When a child I can remember strangers, like the check out person, and others commenting on how polite we were as children. That wasn't polite, that was fear. If we did anything wrong in a store, once the car door closed, the rage was on.
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You must have encountered "tough love" there, (better n nowt maybe, but not quite what I had in mind so far as "loving parents"!).
 
As a parent, I Iearned that child-rearing is a full-time job. Not just to feed, clothe, and make sure your child is healthy, but also to spend quality time with him. I homeschooled our son, which meant being with him for several hours a day, sitting down and spending time on his work. We traveled to different cities and attended lectures, where other kids were stuck in a schoolroom. We built a bond that no school or institution outside the home has been able to break. When he went off to college, his friends tried very hard to influence him, but he remains strong, not only in his faith, but in maintaining daily contact with me. Yesterday, this 22 year old son drove from college to treat me out to dinner to celebrate my getting an adjunct faculty job at a university. Also, he writes birthday cards and gives me gifts for Christmas. He reciprocates what he has learned over time. A close-knit family is the first step in making this society a better one. You have to spend time with your children, show them you love them and care about them. There are no short cuts.
 
Mr. Ed said:
To make the world a better place, demonstrate and show kindness in all you do and say. If you want to change the world set an example.

Sometimes changing the small world of our neighbors, friends and family is sufficient to the entire planet.
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I agree with you. I call this the "boomerang effect." What you give out to the universe comes back to you somehow.
 
Remy said:
That was abuse I encountered.
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Sorry to hear that, (no one wishes to hear such stories, though they sometimes must be heard obviously, if our natural/biological parents do wrong to the degree you indicate).

A friend tells me stories about his childhood, especially the way his father treated him I totally believe, (though what occurred seems almost unbelievable), and it does lead you/me to question what I'm calling for to try to "improve our world",(I admit that).

However, as he says himself, or is kind enough to say, he thinks I should continue to put forward my views regardless of his experiences, (if maybe informed a little by them). He did extremely well in his professional life, (as have his own children, including financially), so something positive from his sticky start in life! :)
 

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