Adult Child Complaining Parent Didn't Leave Enough Inheritance

I never expected any inheritance. My parents weren't rich. And even if they were, I just would have thought they should use it to improve their lives. My beloved EX sister-in-law is the direct opposite. She has several brothers and sisters. She was present when her mother died. Leaving the hospital, she bumped into her brother at the mall. She never told her brother that their mom had just died. She then drove to her mom's home and started carting things to her car. There is something about "inheritance" that drives her crazy.
 

I got a call today from my Husbands older Brothers daughter. She was ranting and raving about how she has been stuck taking care of her Dad. She has 2 older brother's who were taking turns caring for her Dad until a few weeks ago. One brother's wife had a stroke and is struggling to even be able to walk. Her other brother lost his son about a year ago and his wife is having mental problems so taking care of his Dad isn't possible now. So my husbands niece wants my husband and his remaining sister to kick in and help. She wants us to care for him 3 days a week and my husbands sister should take care of him 3 days a week and she would do just one day a week. Now we are all much older then she is. We all live a distance away from my BIL while she lives a few blocks away from him. She doesn't have children and she doesn't work and when she got a divorce her husband gave her enough money to live on for the rest of her life. She refuses to put him in a nursing home which he would like to do. She has total control over what happens to him and all his money and property is in trust to her and nothing for her brothers. I will never understand how children who were raised by wonderful parents can turn out so rotten.
 
Wonderful parents rotten children.

It happens. An adult can fall in with the wrong crowd as well. I've seen it. The problem with adults is the wrong crowd tends to be people of a particular mindset or philosophy. They want their ideas and behaviors validated. The 'indoctrination' if you will is a little slower and legal even if unethical so no alarms are raised. Throw in what one doesn't know about the parent or child and adult child can easily turn out different than their parents.

Here the parents hoped time and age would eventually stop their child's juvenile delinquent type behavior. Never happened then throw legal drinking and illegal drugging even the best parents will lose a war with their adult children. I think some adult children also want show 'power' so they'll defend poor or stupid decisions to the bitter end. The actual issue/s get lost in a power struggle.
 

Sassycakes said:
I got a call today from my Husbands older Brothers daughter. She was ranting and raving about how she has been stuck taking care of her Dad. She has 2 older brother's who were taking turns caring for her Dad until a few weeks ago. One brother's wife had a stroke and is struggling to even be able to walk. Her other brother lost his son about a year ago and his wife is having mental problems so taking care of his Dad isn't possible now. So my husbands niece wants my husband and his remaining sister to kick in and help. She wants us to care for him 3 days a week and my husbands sister should take care of him 3 days a week and she would do just one day a week. Now we are all much older then she is. We all live a distance away from my BIL while she lives a few blocks away from him. She doesn't have children and she doesn't work and when she got a divorce her husband gave her enough money to live on for the rest of her life. She refuses to put him in a nursing home which he would like to do. She has total control over what happens to him and all his money and property is in trust to her and nothing for her brothers. I will never understand how children who were raised by wonderful parents can turn out so rotten.
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I can guarantee you that she doesn't want to put him in a care home because it would use up any money that he has. So, instead of using his money (which otherwise would end up coming to her), she would like you guys to take care of him for free. Sounds like a good benefit for her, not-so-good for you guys.

The answer is "no", repeated frequently. If you're feeling generous, perhaps offer to take turns staying with him one weekend a month. If that's not good enough for her, then she knows what her alternatives are.
 
Sassycakes said:
I got a call today from my Husbands older Brothers daughter. She was ranting and raving about how she has been stuck taking care of her Dad. She has 2 older brother's who were taking turns caring for her Dad until a few weeks ago. One brother's wife had a stroke and is struggling to even be able to walk. Her other brother lost his son about a year ago and his wife is having mental problems so taking care of his Dad isn't possible now. So my husbands niece wants my husband and his remaining sister to kick in and help. She wants us to care for him 3 days a week and my husbands sister should take care of him 3 days a week and she would do just one day a week. Now we are all much older then she is. We all live a distance away from my BIL while she lives a few blocks away from him. She doesn't have children and she doesn't work and when she got a divorce her husband gave her enough money to live on for the rest of her life. She refuses to put him in a nursing home which he would like to do. She has total control over what happens to him and all his money and property is in trust to her and nothing for her brothers. I will never understand how children who were raised by wonderful parents can turn out so rotten.
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What a sad situation. Does your brother-in-law suffer from physical problems or reduced cognitive abilities, preventing him from making these decisions for himself?
 
Daughters always wind up caring for their parents, while sons do not. For the "kids", taking care of parents is exhausting, and traumatic. And there are all sorts of issues, like guilt, promises made, etc. Plus, there are financial factors. If the expenses of caring for a parent exceeds the monthly income, there will come a day when that care will end. And Medicare may not provide an answer. What do you when the money runs out? In this case, the daughter holds all the cards. Farming out who cares for dad what day is not the answer. And it's clear the brothers aren't in a position to offer much help. This is an extremely emotional issue. Children make promises never to put parents in a "home", but later they are unable to deliver quality care. The real problem is that no one really planned for the parent's retirement & care. They don't have a workable "Plan B". We are all guilty of that.
 
StarSong said:
What a sad situation. Does your brother-in-law suffer from physical problems or reduced cognitive abilities, preventing him from making these decisions for himself?
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Yes he does have problems with both physical and mental problems. I worry about him a lot because he has a habit if left alone he wonders around outside all alone. I know he would enjoy being around others so a nursing home would be good for him. My Husband and his sister are both in their 70's and both have health issues so they really wouldn't be able to care for him. I hope she stops being concerned about money and becomes more concerned about what is better for her Dad.
 
The thing that makes me sad in these situations is that the family loses sight of the person that needs looking after and ends up making their lives miserable.

If I was dear old Dad I would make a run for it while everyone was busy bickering!
 
Sassycakes said:
Yes he does have problems with both physical and mental problems. I worry about him a lot because he has a habit if left alone he wonders around outside all alone. I know he would enjoy being around others so a nursing home would be good for him. My Husband and his sister are both in their 70's and both have health issues so they really wouldn't be able to care for him. I hope she stops being concerned about money and becomes more concerned about what is better for her Dad.
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Sounds like his daughter is going to either have to dedicate her life to caring for him or pay someone to do it -whether in his home or an assisted living/skilled nursing facility.

I agree with Jujube. Just say no and continue to do so.
 
Funny that last several posts have brought up the issue of who will take of an aging parent. The person in the op did the least amount of work for the parent and the house and yet wants the most like they were entitled. I've heard that story before-it's not uncommon that the children/child that doesn't live with, close to or do stuff for the parents want/expect the most and have others do most of the work before and after.

Most people and parents don't want to go into a home period. Many don't have to that do. Many 'volunteer' to go into one because they're probably scared of who will take care of them which usually means their is/are irregular visits/contact with their children to begin with. In the US in particular it's seems many seniors and their adult children's have fallen to a script after decades of grooming that one will eventually wind up in a 'home' no questions asked-it's time. But not necessary.

Just a note that the 'child' in the op that couldn't wait to get their money has slowed the process of cleaning up the estate, selling the home etc because they're trying to find ways to squeeze more because their plan to leverage or position others to buy him out did not work. He's actually bitter that he's not getting a windfall. Not sad the parent passed or tired of the process but bitter, resentful etc that they're not going to get the what they wanted. And again no one else in the family has that sense of entitlement.
 
I do genealogy for a hobby and a little for pay. Have seen more than one old will where the parent listed a child but left them nothing stating that they had already received their portion. Sounds like that should've been the case with this family, but they were enablers on a grand scale.
 
AnnieA said:
I do genealogy for a hobby and a little for pay. Have seen more than one old will where the parent listed a child but left them nothing stating that they had already received their portion. Sounds like that should've been the case with this family, but they were enablers on a grand scale.
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Longish rant alert.

The biggest enabler was the parent who in their final years realized he had a serious problem which he wouldn't age out of but simply didn't know what to do. Wouldn't even set the littlest of boundaries. They were warned & educated to no avail. Other family enabled by tolerating his excessive drinking in their presence with no boundaries. He also played politics to the extreme when dealing with family kissing butt and acting all prim and proper which fooled enough of them.

Also the workplace enabled him because being the butt kisser he hung out with management when ever possible. I've seen it as well in companies I've worked for . When and management and the employees go out to drink together it validates drinking/excessive drinking. He got in so good with some management that they actually bailed him out at least once buying him/getting him started on a smart phone when friends and family refused(he was given pay as you go flip and smart phones so he could refill the minutes and cried he uses them up too fast). But this is part of the issue he's been able to elude the consequences of excessive drinking by scams, lies etc. As a matter of fact one of the reasons he wanted people to buy him out was didn't want to change his mailing address. That tells me he's lying on paperwork somewhere which is fraud.

The lack of a will was the biggest issue and again the senior was asked, educated to get one. Their attitude was I already told everyone what they are getting ie the house and misc stuff to be sold and/or divided. Not good enough for the greedy one.
 
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After my Dad passed away my Mom moved in with me. My sister would take her for the weekend. Then my sister's husband passed away so I didn't send my mom there for the weekend, because my sister was going through a lot. My brother lived in another State and seldom even called my Mom. When my Mom passed away anything she had left I divided it with both my brother and sister. I don't regret for one minute taking care of my Mother.
 
I used to visit my parents three times a week. If they needed something I would get it for them, if they had a problem I solved it for them. However, after many years when they got sick, my brother and his family had no problem coming in and caring for them. I didn't want any inheritance, I didn't want the house. I'm thankful my brother who worked in geriatrics was willing to care for them in their last days. He got what was left, house, bank accounts, insurance, which wasn't a lot. I have my memories of them and that is enough. I don't know why people fight over something so easily spent as money. Your relationships should be more important. Oh well.
 
Keesha said:
Some parents do that to their children as their last way of punishment. Just in case you didn’t realize how unvalued you were. It’s a reminder.
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My mother did that to me and my two younger half brothers when she died at the age of 65. It is not that she had that much ($100K) which she, in theory, left for her disabled husband. But she appointed our crooked younger sister as executor. My sister promptly got her hands on the money and left her disabled step father on the doorstep of the local VA and took off for the other coast. My half brothers and I were disowned by the same will giving us no voice in the matter. I considered it a slap in the face for no good reason. I had to fly back to Korea after the funeral and my brothers had to get back to work in the SF area. There was no sharing of mementos or photos and it took over a year for my brother to track down where our step father had been dropped.
What is irritating is that over the years my mother benefitted significantly from me and my middle brother, and had already gotten us to agree to help her financially in her old age. She knew that our word was our bond, and shortly after that pulled out a significant sum from her retirement funds and took off to Europe for an extended vacation taking the sister with her. Our sister was already over $50K in debt to my mother.
In later years, my sister tried to run cons on both of my brothers, but they had her figured out by that time. More recently, she had tried to get our children to set up some kind of reconciliation. Are you kidding me, it was a gleeful day for her when she got to tell the three of us that we had been disowned. My middle brother and I have both had to tell our children that their aunt is an expert at manipulating people and if she cons them out of money we will not make it up for them.
 
The no inheritance as punishment reminds of those millionaires with children that marry someone less than half their age and pass a few later leaving their entire fortune to their young wife. I doubt they were just enamored by their beauty but realized their adult children were simply waiting for them to pass-last laugh.

Should ad to the original post. That same 'adult' child is complaining immediate family is legally taking items before they had a chance to be sold. Were talking items that might repeat MIGHT get $30-50 in a luxury yard sale. Doesn't want stuff donated prior. And is also complaining that the home should've been sold immediately after the parents passing because carrying costs(most paid by others) cut into his take. It wasn't until an estate account was set up and used after monies were legally accessed a few months later that complained about the lack of an expeditious sale. He made it seem like he wanted a quick sale early on so others might feel pressured to buy himout which didn't happen-once that didn't happen he kept quiet until after estate money was used to pay carrying costs.
 
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The complainer brought up the subject of his inheritance again, approximately a year after the parents passing and is as bitter/angry as ever. He is absolutely disappointed & mad, no make that furious he's not getting more. This shows how much time he is obsessing on the issue.
Apparently he found out how much others got not only in inheritance but how the kids got access to money long before their parents passing. But that's not his family/parents. The tone of his voice and constant talking about tells me he was anticipating/making plans for more. To top it off the parent enabled the crap out of him by not collecting on at least one 5 figure loan among other things. One could say he already got a chunk of his inheritance. But that sense of entitlement.
 


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