After all these years, what are your thoughts on the concept of marriage?

Sassycakes said:
Having been married for over 50yrs now I would never want to spend one second here on earth without my hubby. When he gets home from looking for a new sump pump I'll ask him what his view is about this subject.
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You are among the fortunate ones .... and so is your hubby. Congrats.
 

If I'd have read something like these comments before dating or thinking of marriage, I'd have still been deciding today, if I should take the plunge.

We met at 19 and 17, me in the service, she in high school. Does anyone really think that, at that age, we would be thinking and discussing the great mysteries of life?
We dated for 2 1/2 years, married and had our first child 1 yr. later, the same month that I received my discharge.

So here we were, living with my folks, me with no job, and a new little one. I gained employment within a couple of weeks, we stayed with the folks for a bit longer, moved to a low income housing development, had a second daughter and continued along with improvements in our life coming in small increments.

To get to the end of this tale, I earned a degree, job situation improved, 2 more kids arrived on the scene and we're still plugging along. Been 70 years since we met, 67 of them married. I wouldn't change a thing, even the early struggles, as I think that strengthened the bond between us.

She still takes good care of me and at {almost} 90, although the form of love is far different than at 20, I think that in our case it's stronger and deeper than ever.
 
Della said:
I think marriage was invented for the protection of women and children. Women who were pregnant or raising babies couldn't go out and plough the fields at the same time and the few paying jobs available for women wouldn't hire pregnant women or let them bring their children to work. A woman who let a man have sex with her before the commitment of marriage risked having to turn to prostitution to feed herself and her child.

Men were willing to commit to marriage and doing the heavy work or earning the money in order to have a partner for sex and children. Property ownership, dowries and land inheritance were all part of it, too.

This worked well for the children, they had two parents in the home, each child had a same sex parent to emulate and learn from, if one parent tended to be too harsh or too lenient the other parent would balance that.

Physical desire for each other probably lessened over time, but they had other bigger things to worry about like not starving to death next winter.

Now women can have children and raise them without needing a man. They can put the children in day care and get a job, or the government will pay for their food and shelter through welfare programs. Men can have all the sex they want without having to marry the woman first. It's a whole different world. I don't know if it's better or worse for the adults, but I think it's definitely worse for the children.
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Well summarized! I feel the same way.
StarSong said:
DH and I cohabited for a year before our wedding date. Only a couple of months into cohabiting we decided to get married and started planning our wedding. From the moment we made that decision we were effectively married. Nothing changed afterwards. Whatever we were, the other knew.

Sometimes people grow apart, but what I've mostly observed is that people ignore warning signs before they get married, then find the behaviors intolerable afterwards.

Perfect example: A close relative had an early marriage and divorce, no children. About six years later she met a man, fell in love and they decided to get married. Fly in the ointment? His family was Roman Catholic and frowned on divorce. So they didn't tell the family, they went to a priest on the sly to get an annulment, and they got married - big wedding.

I begged her to not lie to the family - to come clean. They were nearly 30 years old - old enough to have had a past. Plus so many people knew of her divorce - it was sure to come out at some point. Nothing to be ashamed of. She fluffed off my advice.

Fast forward 10 years and two children. Marriage is falling apart. Why? "I can't believe what a liar he is! He never showed this side of himself when we were dating!"

My response was an honest one. "Sure he did. In fact, the two of you lied to his family for years."

"That was different - we had to lie."

I said, "If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you."

His family eventually found out about her divorce and blamed the lies on her. Who couldn't have seen that one coming?

People whose eyes linger on every attractive man or woman who passes them on the street? Are they "shopping" or merely admiring? No way to know for sure, but it's a red flag.

People tell who they are, whether it's too many stories that start with, "My friends and I were partying and..." (substance abuse) or the sweet suggestion: "Can you put on something else? I want you to look especially nice today. The blue dress is particularly lovely." (controlling) or "I'm not leaving a tip for that lousy service" (abusive and cheap), or "How nice that you got the big promotion you were up for. Oh, let me tell you about the great donuts Fred brought into work today! (narcissistic - bring the attention back to themselves), or "Gee, I'd love to help you with that but darn it, I'm just so busy" (cross this person off your list when thinking about who you can count on when you need a hand). And so forth.

Like everyone else, I've been fooled many times over the years in all sorts of relationships, but looking back the warning signs were always there. Every. Single. Time.

I just fluffed them off as isolated incidents without connecting the dots.
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Sad but true. We ‘do’ know but for some reason choose to ignore it.
 
mrstime said:
Married 66 years and I trust him totally, I also respect him because he has never done anything to make me lose that respect.
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Sixty-six years, well done you. My wife and I celebrated our 55th wedding anniversary last May. We got married young, too young, many said back then, and undoubtedly some thought it would not last. Of course, it was a risk, and at times it seemed as if our marriage might not survive. For marriage is an adventure, and adventures are risky and too often fail.

It is relatively easy when you start out, and many make it. But from then on, the going gets tough, casualties mount, and in fact, many confess that they got divorced because their relationship was suffocating. Marriages can run out of oxygen and sometimes, however reluctantly, divorce may be necessary. Why our marriage has lasted for so long is simply because we know how to forgive and start again, thankfully though, fidelity has never been a problem, staying true to one another builds on that trust.
 
StarSong said:
DH and I cohabited for a year before our wedding date. Only a couple of months into cohabiting we decided to get married and started planning our wedding. From the moment we made that decision we were effectively married. Nothing changed afterwards. Whatever we were, the other knew.

Sometimes people grow apart, but what I've mostly observed is that people ignore warning signs before they get married, then find the behaviors intolerable afterwards.

Perfect example: A close relative had an early marriage and divorce, no children. About six years later she met a man, fell in love and they decided to get married. Fly in the ointment? His family was Roman Catholic and frowned on divorce. So they didn't tell the family, they went to a priest on the sly to get an annulment, and they got married - big wedding.

I begged her to not lie to the family - to come clean. They were nearly 30 years old - old enough to have had a past. Plus so many people knew of her divorce - it was sure to come out at some point. Nothing to be ashamed of. She fluffed off my advice.

Fast forward 10 years and two children. Marriage is falling apart. Why? "I can't believe what a liar he is! He never showed this side of himself when we were dating!"

My response was an honest one. "Sure he did. In fact, the two of you lied to his family for years."

"That was different - we had to lie."

I said, "If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you."

His family eventually found out about her divorce and blamed the lies on her. Who couldn't have seen that one coming?

People whose eyes linger on every attractive man or woman who passes them on the street? Are they "shopping" or merely admiring? No way to know for sure, but it's a red flag.

People tell who they are, whether it's too many stories that start with, "My friends and I were partying and..." (substance abuse) or the sweet suggestion: "Can you put on something else? I want you to look especially nice today. The blue dress is particularly lovely." (controlling) or "I'm not leaving a tip for that lousy service" (abusive and cheap), or "How nice that you got the big promotion you were up for. Oh, let me tell you about the great donuts Fred brought into work today! (narcissistic - bring the attention back to themselves), or "Gee, I'd love to help you with that but darn it, I'm just so busy" (cross this person off your list when thinking about who you can count on when you need a hand). And so forth.

Like everyone else, I've been fooled many times over the years in all sorts of relationships, but looking back the warning signs were always there. Every. Single. Time.

I just fluffed them off as isolated incidents without connecting the dots.
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That's three red flags out of your list I ignored. I needed a friend like you at the time to give me a shake.
 
jujube said:
I truly believe men and women don't have any business living together. It's like oil and water. The old "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" schtick. But society says it's best if we're couples so couples we become.

It's probably a good thing that I barely knew my husband when we got married..... But we started married life thousands of miles away from home, in a foreign country and 18 months later, there was a baby and we all grew up together. We had 37 years of what was a successful marriage. Did we argue? Yep. About the same things over and over again? Yep. Would we still be arguing about those same things today if he hadn't died 17 years ago? Yep, probably.

I've been living with the Spousal Equivalent for a long time. There's no "common law" in our state....we're just "shacking up" or as the old US Census designation called it "POSSLQ (Persons of Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters). Neither of us have any interest in changing the status quo. It works.
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They should live together, though. Especially if they're going to raise a family.

Yes we're different, and of course we argue, but unless there are too many differences, or differences are few but crucial, couples help each other more than they argue.

Who does she call when her car breaks down? Who springs out of bed when we hear a thump in the night? I do my job and she does hers, and we know what our jobs are.
 
@Lee >>> I have often wondered why people choose not to get married...

Oh, I always wanted to marry the right woman and have a family with children. But at age 20 made a choice never to because circumstance was that doing so would have been very wrong. We humans now live in a unique utterly complex telecom, transportation, science era that makes monogamy more difficult than in any previous historical era. Most young human adults of child bearing age are ill prepared to take on the responsibilities young adults now face in raising children. My understanding of how poorly many men are ready for that responsibility became very apparent while I was in the USAF thrown into a world with behaviorally flawed males from A to Z from across the nation.

Never been married because at age 20 I suffered a splenic artery pseudoaneurysm that as an adult over decades often suffered for months and might die anytime. So was not capable of confidently providing for a dependent wife, much less children. That noted, my parents were solidly monogamous with a large family that is a Catholic tradition. And that affected my own monogamous attitudes. Over decades, have sadly known many people that married and later divorced. Often horrible for children and a dagger into love, the most precious part of our minds.
 
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I'll get back to you later on this subject. I know I definitely have mixed feelings about it but need to give it a lot of thought 🤔
 
There was a Ricky Gervais movie, "The Invention of Lying" where the
words at the ceremony were, "Will you love and care for this person
for as long as you want to?" ( instead of "as long as you both shall live".
I got a chuckle out of that!
 
It seems as individuals get older, they are not as interested in marriage or even living together. They often prefer to have separate households so they can still have their independence. They get together often at each other's house, or go out, sleep over, but in the end, still be able to have their own space whenever they want. No attempts at trying to blend families, merge incomes, or have communal property. It seems like a pretty good arrangement after children are all grown, and you get to enjoy your alone time as often as you like.
 
When you're young you're building a family. You're also blending families.
That may happen two, maybe three times with more family blending and changing.
As seniors, that ship has sailed. Companionship becomes the goal whether in one household or two. Hopefully the children accept their parents new companion, and holidays work out for both sides. In fact, it's nice for everyone if they all get along.
 
I met ms gamboolgal on Sat, 13-Jan-79. She was barely 17 years old with beautiful brunette hair and hazel eyes.
I was 19 year old and after that we dated for 3 year and married on 9-Jan-82.
We would talk of growing old together and we could not stand being apart. That is still the case.
So coming up on 43 year married.

She was/is a wonderful mother to our two children. She was then and is still my best friend.

She followed me all over the world, including living as Resident Expats in Africa for the last ~18 year before retiring, as I worked the Oilfields for 44 year before retiring after 44 year on 1-Feb-21.

We was poor starting out and only had each other. This was a good thing - looking back.
We grew up together and we're both committed to each other and worked at keeping the spark alive and not letting the marriage wilt.

Now retired, we are awaiting our first Grandbaby due around Christmas.

And my favorite thing to do is still chasing ms gamboolgal around our old 4 Poster buck neckid ! 🥰

Of course there was tough times but we held close to one another and always will.

I know how fortunate and blessed I am to have found her.

gamboolman....

Lifes A Dance And You Learn As You Go....

ETA - Post was reviewed and approved by ms gamboolgal... ha !


 
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gamboolman said:
I met ms gamboolgal on Sat, 13-Jan-79. She was barely 17 years old with beautiful brunette hair and hazel eyes.
I was 19 year old and after that we dated for 3 year and married on 9-Jan-82.
We would talk of growing old together and we could not stand being apart. That is still the case.
So coming up on 43 year married.

She was/is a wonderful mother to our two children. She was then and is still my best friend.

She followed me all over the world, including living as Resident Expats in Africa as I worked the Oilfields for 44 year before retiring after 44 year on 1-Feb-21.

We was poor starting out and only had each other. This was a good thing - looking back.
We grew up together and we're both committed to each other and worked at keeping the spark alive and not letting the marriage wilt.

Now retired, we are awaiting our first Grandbaby due around Christmas.

And my favorite thing to do is still chasing ms gamboolgal around our old 4 Poster buck neckid ! 🥰

Of course there was tough times but we held close to one another and always will.

I know how fortunate and blessed I am to have found her.

gamboolman....

Lifes A Dance And You Learn As You Go....


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Beautiful...love it!
 
gamboolman said:
I met ms gamboolgal on Sat, 13-Jan-79. She was barely 17 years old with beautiful brunette hair and hazel eyes.
I was 19 year old and after that we dated for 3 year and married on 9-Jan-82.
We would talk of growing old together and we could not stand being apart. That is still the case.
So coming up on 43 year married.

She was/is a wonderful mother to our two children. She was then and is still my best friend.

She followed me all over the world, including living as Resident Expats in Africa for the last ~18 year before retiring, as I worked the Oilfields for 44 year before retiring after 44 year on 1-Feb-21.

We was poor starting out and only had each other. This was a good thing - looking back.
We grew up together and we're both committed to each other and worked at keeping the spark alive and not letting the marriage wilt.

Now retired, we are awaiting our first Grandbaby due around Christmas.

And my favorite thing to do is still chasing ms gamboolgal around our old 4 Poster buck neckid ! 🥰

Of course there was tough times but we held close to one another and always will.

I know how fortunate and blessed I am to have found her.

gamboolman....

Lifes A Dance And You Learn As You Go....

ETA - Post was reviewed and approved by ms gamboolgal... ha !


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Great story and an inspiration that gives hope to all those searching for their soulmate. Congrats
 
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