Aging and Friendships

jnos

jnos

Member
Location
Southwestern Montana
Reading a few other threads here brought this to mind. I'm a late 60's female who had friends galore when I was younger. Now I think it's because I made them a priority. Over the years, moves, job changes, deaths, etc. it seems I have no close friends left.

The past few years I've been over involved with business, jobs, family caretaking and have let friends drop. Is this common at my age or is it me? I meet a lot of women my age where there's an almost immediate mutual "like" between us. Even though in my head I want to encourage a friendship, it's seems like too much effort. Is that crazy or what?

Are there others here who can relate?
 

Throughout my life I never had, or wanted, a lot of friends. I usually had a couple of close ones and that was good enough for me. Like you, over the years, I've been very busy with working full time (and overtime) and tending to other things involving my home and family.

We also were caretakers in our home for my in laws, when they were elderly and in failing health, it was better than having either of them go to a nursing home, and we were happy to do it and make their final years as pleasurable as possible. So, there was no time on the side for hanging out with friends. Today, my best friend is my husband, and I have another close friend that I visit maybe once a year, exchange cards with and speak to occasionally on the phone.
 
Hi jnos. I don’t think it’s uncommon.

As the years roll by, people move, change jobs, have health issues, divorce, connect with others who they relate to better, sometimes their lives become too full of drama……..and stuff happens.

What do I mean by “stuff”? Well, over the past 10 yrs several long-term friendships either drifted or formally ended because:

- Person got deeply involved in religion and became pushy about trying to convert me
- I suspected friend was stabbing me in the back – I was right
- Friend had a nasty temper that flared up one time too many
- Friend’s spouse and I intensely disliked each other

Also, as I get older I just don’t feel like ripping and running all the time.
 

Perhaps I am atypical, but I still enjoy making new friends of all ages. Although unwilling to put up with crap, providing the individual is a kind and compassionate person, and treats me with respect, I am quite willing to be mellow about their idiosyncrasies, as I hope they will be about mine. I still prize true connection above almost all things.
 
With the exception of the mermaid's comments I agree with all of the above posters.

Why?

Because I became a self-labeled "monk" after my divorce and pretty much fell off the face of the earth. Old school friends - yes, we were tight back in the day, but those days are gone. We've all changed and we have little in common anymore. Perhaps the only thing we DID have was that we were thrown together 6-8 hours a day.

Life gets in the way, certainly, unless like Shali you make time to make friends.

For me it's just too much effort now, and being as I'm becoming a cranky old man if I DID make any friends I'd probably hate them anyway. :p
 
Most of the good friendships that I’ve have/had happened by accident. I’ve never thought “I want to make some new friends”.

However, to maintain a friendship requires effort and nurturing. I make time to spend with people whose relationship I value, and they do the same for me.
 
Ive never had many friends ,and at times i wish i had and i felt lonely,, but now i like my own company more than ever before , I do a lot of outings by myself .So this means i can choose where i go and when without the hassle of pleasing anyone else ..
I have given it some thought about when i depart this life and I cannot think of anyone apart from family who will be there ...
 
jnos said:
Reading a few other threads here brought this to mind. I'm a late 60's female who had friends galore when I was younger. Now I think it's because I made them a priority. Over the years, moves, job changes, deaths, etc. it seems I have no close friends left.

..... Even though in my head I want to encourage a friendship, it's seems like too much effort. Is that crazy or what?

Are there others here who can relate?
Click to expand...

Most definitely! While my wife and I were still employed, many friends were actually co-workers. Having been out of the "rat-race" now for quite awhile and having moved cross-country a number of times, we find now that we have essentially no friends, neither of us ('ceptin' those on this here forum!). We have of late wondered what resulting difficulties my wife will be faced with, should I croak suddenly, and she remains with no friends for companionship.

I expect advice recommending Senior Clubs, that sort of thing. Somehow, we seem uncomfortable with meeting strangers. Is THAT crazy or what? :rolleyes:

imp
 
No imp,
That's not crazy. My husband and I tried to go to our senior citizen's club before he became ill. WE started out going to their bingo games, and we went a couple of months, but no one would talk to us. We tried to make conversations with many of them, but it was as if we were intruders. So we closed ourselves off to any posibilty of anyway to make friends, which was our own fault.

Now that I'm by myself, I find that I can cry forever, or I can reach out. I am starting to build a new family and friendships now. If you don't try, there is nothing to gain. :wave:
 
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I applaud your honesty and courage Ina. It is possible to make new family and friends even in our senior years. Closing one's self off can often be a form of slow emotional suicide. If a person takes the risk of reaching out, there are good people out

there. I know from personal experience-at one point I had lost almost everything I valued, but I started over, and now have a full--if very different life.
 
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Ina said:
No imp,
That's not crazy. My husband and I tried to go to our senior citizen's club before he became ill. WE started out going to their bingo games, and we went a couple of months, but no one would talk to us. We tried to make conversations with many of them, but it was as if we were intruders. So we closed ourselves off to any posibilty of anyway to make friends, which was our own fault.

Now that I'm by myself, I find that I can cry forever, or I can reach out. I am starting to build a new family and friendships now. If you don't try, there is nothing to gain. :wave:
Click to expand...

Ina, I suspect from your experience, the folks you attempted to communicate with were a lot like folks who congregate on social networks: I find that a kind of "fold" develops, I hesitate to say "clique", in which groups seem to resent "intruders". Add this to the general suspicion many exhibit of others, and there it is.

Your simply "being here" with us is heartening to us, me anyway, I should not be presumptuous by saying "us", I suppose, and may just prove to work that way for you, too! imp
 
The notion that younger people make friends easily and older people do not make
friends much is ancient wisdom. Aristotle mentions this in his Ethics that is dated
to about 330 B.C.

It is true except maybe for my mother, and she lost
friends only because she outlived them.

Many married couples count each other as their best friends and they do not want others,
or if they do, the phone is the usual or only waY they keep in touch.


Or you soon find that you nothing much in common.
 
Shalimar said:
I applaud your honesty and courage Ina. It is possible to make new family and friends even in our senior years. Closing one's self off can often be a form of slow emotional suicide. If a person takes the risk of reaching out, there are good people out

there. I know from personal experience-at one point I had lost almost everything I valued, but I started over, and now have a full--if very different life.
Click to expand...


Maybe that's the secret. Accepting that the relationship will be different than the ones we had when we were young. Do we subconsciously hope for the same kind of relationships that are extremely close, lots of time spent together, checking with one another before going out, whatever your 'younger day' relationships were like, when what we really want is something where we can hook up for an hour over coffee once a month and that's good enough?

And then when the feelings aren't the same, we're disappointed because they don't match the fantasy? Maybe the secret is adjusting the fantasy.
 
There is a lot of truth in what you say, I think, Debby. My expectations are certainly different than they were when I was young. I still prize human connection above almost all else, but am far less emotionally needy. I don't expect anyone to fix or

complete me. I have accepted I will never be mainstream, but always a bit odd. Lol. While I will always be a depth junkie, I also value those relationships that are lighter, filled with laughter and play--the balance works for me! I still experience a

marvelous closeness with some wonderful people--it is just a more mature relationship, full of tolerance and appreciation for both the foibles and strengths we share. It is good. In learning to be alone, I have become a far more emotionally available,

empathetic friend.
 
Debby, a final thought. One of the blessings of this latter part of my life, has been the opportunity to meet and cherish family of choice, rather than remaining totally dependent on family of origin to meet those needs. Sometimes, relatives just don't relate!
 
My "family" has been an amorphous thing over the years since most of my "real" family has passed. It used to be my school chums - then college buddies - then co-workers - always centered around some geographic or occupational concerns.

With the advent of the Internet the doors flew open wide and I began to add "family" members from China, Thailand, Puerto Rico - basically a world family.

So we're not in physical contact - so what? It's all about the mind at a certain point, anyway ...
 
Yes folks, G-d Bless...I miss the co-workers at my old job, have a best buddy but not a whole bunch of real live social contacts. Maybe the next job who knows, we moved a lot. Just at my old job there were a bunch of folks, over 50 perhaps over 70. If you were having a day you could say " Miss Anna or Ms. Felicia I need a hug!". Ms. Felicia towered over me...what beautiful hugs. I do miss that.
 

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