Angry and Heartbroken Grandmother

M

MsRowell

New Member
I am 66 years old. U live with my adult son and his girlfriend of 14 years. They have a 6 year old daughter, my granddaughter. I have watched her daily for them since she was born. I home schooled her last year in kindergarten. Needless to say I am very close to her.

My son has a drinking problem. He doesn't drink everyday but when he does he doesn't know when to stop. Around October of last year he started staying hine all night a couple times a month. After Christmas my daughter in law(girlfriend) found out he has been flirting with other girls on Instagram and Snapchat. He admitted to her he was. He told her he wasn't happy and she moved out and took my granddaughter. My son is making no effort to get her back. She is heartbroken. This all came out of no where.

My problem is I am lost without my granddaughter. I see her a couple days a week but it's not the same. I miss her. I have so much anger towards my son for breaking up his family and doing what he did. I'm having a hard time with my feelings towards him right now. I really never thought I could have these feelings towards one of my children. I don't know what to do.
 

It is possible to maintain a relationship with a son who disappoints and the mother of his child. I know because I have had to do just that. Tell them both that you pass no judgement on either of them and that you are ready to help each of them in parenting your grand daughter.

Follow through and make sure you build a strong bond with the child because she will need you in her life.
 
I can relate, somewhat. I'm a licensed foster care giver for CPS. My first placement was an infant, a boy not even a month old. His mother disappeared when he was about 7 months old, and when he'd been with me for 18 months, his caseworker started talking to me about adoption. I said yes! Then, his mother reappeared and went into rehab for alcohol and meth addiction. She kept failing, and the court kept giving her another chance. They gave her custody of my boy shortly before his 3rd birthday.

Eight months later, CPS took him from her again because she'd been abusing him, but they wouldn't let me take him because this happened in a different county. For a while, though, they let me have him on weekends. It was obvious he was traumatized, but he was happy as a clam while he was with me. His mother didn't like that, and asked CPS to end our weekends. Now I can't see him at all.

CPS is talking about giving him back to his mother again. I'm having a real hard time with this. I can't stop thinking about him, and I worrying about him every single day. My beautiful boy's mental health is at risk, his future is probably bleak. It really hurts.
 

Murrmurr said:
I can relate, somewhat. I'm a licensed foster care giver for CPS. My first placement was an infant, a boy not even a month old. His mother disappeared when he was about 7 months old, and when he'd been with me for 18 months, his caseworker started talking to me about adoption. I said yes! Then, his mother reappeared and went into rehab for alcohol and meth addiction. She kept failing, and the court kept giving her another chance. They gave her custody of my boy shortly before his 3rd birthday.

Eight months later, CPS took him from her again because she'd been abusing him, but they wouldn't let me take him because this happened in a different county. For a while, though, they let me have him on weekends. It was obvious he was traumatized, but he was happy as a clam while he was with me. His mother didn't like that, and asked CPS to end our weekends. Now I can't see him at all.

CPS is talking about giving him back to his mother again. I'm having a real hard time with this. I can't stop thinking about him, and I worrying about him every single day. My beautiful boy's mental health is at risk, his future is probably bleak. It really hurts.
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I wish they would just stop already. Sometimes regulations really get in the way.
 
MsRowell said:
I am 66 years old. U live with my adult son and his girlfriend of 14 years. They have a 6 year old daughter, my granddaughter. I have watched her daily for them since she was born. I home schooled her last year in kindergarten. Needless to say I am very close to her.

My son has a drinking problem. He doesn't drink everyday but when he does he doesn't know when to stop. Around October of last year he started staying hine all night a couple times a month. After Christmas my daughter in law(girlfriend) found out he has been flirting with other girls on Instagram and Snapchat. He admitted to her he was. He told her he wasn't happy and she moved out and took my granddaughter. My son is making no effort to get her back. She is heartbroken. This all came out of no where.

My problem is I am lost without my granddaughter. I see her a couple days a week but it's not the same. I miss her. I have so much anger towards my son for breaking up his family and doing what he did. I'm having a hard time with my feelings towards him right now. I really never thought I could have these feelings towards one of my children. I don't know what to do.
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I suggest you get help for your own feelings and let the son rise or fall...you cannot control his drinking. Al-anon would assist you....God bless....
 
My heart is breaking for all of you. My only ray of hope for you is that time will put both of you back in the driver's seat before too long. I don't wish drug addiction on anyone but relapse is far more common than cure and I think Murrmurr will probably have his boy back soon. Ms Rowell's daughter-in-law will probably start working more and maybe dating someone in the near future and need Grandma to babysit more often.
 
I don't mean to be harsh but don't you think it's time to get a life of your own? Sounds like you've been "babysitting" all of them for a long time and that's all you know. Counseling for yourself would help. I've lived with an alcoholic and a drug user for years (because I was too scared to leave) and what I learned is you can't "fix" him. You need to let go and find some happiness for yourself. Time to get off that merry-go-round.

As for your granddaughter, take the time that's been given to you for visits and leave it at that. It's not your job to raise her.
 
I am totally heartbroken for you and your Granddaughter.
All you can do is spend as much time as possible with her and build a strong bond, talk to your DIL let her know you are there for both her and the child.
As for your son, maybe you could get him to go to AA, suggest it to him with support and without judgment.
 
This is the same thing played out for many ...
i know that does not help but in these situations it is easy to end but being pulled in various directions and used.

A good friend of mine in order to appease the mom .... she is in a constant state of jumping to the every whim with the child being held as leverage. You are in a difficult spot i wish you the best but many of these things end with no one happy.
 
MsRowell said:
I am 66 years old. U live with my adult son and his girlfriend of 14 years. They have a 6 year old daughter, my granddaughter. I have watched her daily for them since she was born. I home schooled her last year in kindergarten. Needless to say I am very close to her.

My son has a drinking problem. He doesn't drink everyday but when he does he doesn't know when to stop. Around October of last year he started staying hine all night a couple times a month. After Christmas my daughter in law(girlfriend) found out he has been flirting with other girls on Instagram and Snapchat. He admitted to her he was. He told her he wasn't happy and she moved out and took my granddaughter. My son is making no effort to get her back. She is heartbroken. This all came out of no where.

My problem is I am lost without my granddaughter. I see her a couple days a week but it's not the same. I miss her. I have so much anger towards my son for breaking up his family and doing what he did. I'm having a hard time with my feelings towards him right now. I really never thought I could have these feelings towards one of my children. I don't know what to do.
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I’m so sorry. I can only say that you are not alone in your sorrow. I was very close to my Granddaughter seeing her all the time. Because of my sons drug addiction his wife left him and he eventually moved out of state. I see my girl only once a month or so. It has been so hard but there is nothing we can do but deal with it. I think someone else mentioned working on yourself and letting go of your son and his issues. He has to do his own work. I surrender things to God. But the grief truly doesn’t end. I only get through it. I’m so sorry.
 
This all is so real to me.
My grandson is lost to me
His father will not let me know where they are
He mentioned Mississppi I believe he is lying to me, so to not allow me to see him at all.
The story is hard to take it all in at once.
There is lots of sadness on the beginning of this matter
Last I saw him, he was summer time 2019 if not 2018. Stayed two months and fled to Rhode island. Where all my estranged family lives
Reliving these memories takes a great deal out of me.
So I will take a break from
This drama for now.
I am besides myself as Murmurr stated on his own sadness that could be eliminated if only the state would stop their messy rules, of child happiness is rightfully with Murmurr.
Drugs should not allowed to yoyo a child's life IMHO.
 
Warrigal said:
Follow through and make sure you build a strong bond with the child because she will need you in her life.
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Excellent advice!

We have been in an analogous situation, details different but our grandchildren live with our ex-daughter in law.

At first it was a hostile breakup and the daughter in law saw us as the enemy. We have done everything possible to befriend her, and her new husband. Doing whatever favors they ask, nice Christmas presents, no matter what she says or does. Its for the grandkids not her. Over time it has worked, I think she actually kind of likes us now. We have a good relationship. This has allowed us to see a lot more of the grandkids than we would have otherwise, and I believe that has been good for the grandkids.

Remember this is about your grandkid and what's best for them, not you, not your son, not your daughter in law, those are just people to manage. Its about your granddaughter!

You can make this work! It may not be what you wanted, but you can make it work!
 
It sounds like a very difficult situation with probably no good or easy answers as to how things might improve.

In the UK a friend of mine who is no longer with us, Jimmy Deuchars from Glasgow in Scotland, and his wife Margaret set up a self help group for grandparents called "Grandparents Apart" (from their GrandCHildren), and here is their website, (so it looks as though they're still going):
http://grandparentsapart.co.uk/sample-page/

Quote:
"When someone comes to us with a problem we comfort them and give them a friendly ear , try to help them to build bridges, hoping to bring the family back together again, and prevent further alienation we will also act as go-between (mediation) with anyone who is willing to repair family relationships."
(Break)
"We will also write letters for anyone who feels pushed aside or is receiving a raw deal from officialdom or otherwise.

Ultimately to highlight the injustice of grandparents having to prove themselves worthy in court (guilty until proven innocent) to contact their grandchildren when they have done no wrong, not having legal right of contact, (not necessarily parental rights) but their moral rightful place in the family, grandparents have the time and patience in today’s world of rush, but for the sake of upsetting the children many grandparents do not pursue contact and broken-hearted they suffer in silence hoping one day they will see their grandchildren again,..."
 
In some way, I can relate to how you feel. When my grandsons were born I watched them every day. When they started school I watch them after school and all summer. They are grown now and they finished College and are both working. My son is mad at me because after he divorced his wife I am still friendly with his ex-wife. She did a remarkable job raising the boys on her own. My son got so mad that he moved to Las Vegas from Pennsylvania without even telling me. I haven't heard from him in 2 yrs. His girlfriend started picking on me because she doesn't think I should be friends with my ex-wife. So as hurt as I am by my son deserting me, my husband, and my daughter's family I do not regret being friendly with my ex-daughter-in-law.
 
Your story brings tears to my eyes because I can feel your pain. I have not seen my granddaughter in five years. She is ten years old now. My daughters ex has custody. The father will not let me see here or even call her on the phone. I have no idea why. I hardly know him and we have never had harsh words. I have thought of all kinds ways to address the issue and some of them are not so nice. The reality of things is I have to put the well being of my granddaughter first. She seems to be well taken care of so I have chosen not to rock the boat. I can only hope I live long enough for her to get old enough to reach out to me. Correct me if I am wrong but it sounds like you and your granddaughters mother are on decent terms. Invite her out for coffee or something similar and let her know how you feel. Fot me the main thing is not to live in the problem and instead live in the solution
 
Its wrong to interpose an argument I've made very often on this forum about fathers being unfairly excluded from their children's lives, but as the numbers concerned are so huge as a proportion of the numbers of couples/marriages breaking up, someone said in the UK 70% of fathers losing all contact with their children after two years post split up, (no doubt with resultant difficulties for the paternal grandparents relationships with the grandchildren, to link my comments back to this thread), I feel I have to make some mention here.
Ignoring these issues, where there is no question of the father being abusive etc., means anyone else encountering the family law system or contact,(/relationship) breakdowns with grandchildren, are likely to experience equally rough treatment.
 
You're 66, and you live with your son, his girlfriend, and their daughter. When you're 67, you will be living, alone, with your alcoholic son. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. As you get older, and need his help more; his alcoholism, without intervention. is going to destroy him, I think your first obligation is to yourself, and what's best for you. I think Warrigal is right, you shouldn't take sides with your son and his girlfriend.
 
grahamg said:
It sounds like a very difficult situation with probably no good or easy answers as to how things might improve.

In the UK a friend of mine who is no longer with us, Jimmy Deuchars from Glasgow in Scotland, and his wife Margaret set up a self help group for grandparents called "Grandparents Apart" (from their GrandCHildren), and here is their website, (so it looks as though they're still going):
http://grandparentsapart.co.uk/sample-page/

Quote:
"When someone comes to us with a problem we comfort them and give them a friendly ear , try to help them to build bridges, hoping to bring the family back together again, and prevent further alienation we will also act as go-between (mediation) with anyone who is willing to repair family relationships."
(Break)
"We will also write letters for anyone who feels pushed aside or is receiving a raw deal from officialdom or otherwise.

Ultimately to highlight the injustice of grandparents having to prove themselves worthy in court (guilty until proven innocent) to contact their grandchildren when they have done no wrong, not having legal right of contact, (not necessarily parental rights) but their moral rightful place in the family, grandparents have the time and patience in today’s world of rush, but for the sake of upsetting the children many grandparents do not pursue contact and broken-hearted they suffer in silence hoping one day they will see their grandchildren again,..."
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Don't they have one in USA?
THIS has gone on way too long. I am very upset with the whole system on having to prove as grandparent that you want to see your grandson .
Why is this still a sore subject full of injustice the government are have taken over your rights as grandparents. What a vicious way the government takes over your life like that. So the system can thrive with jobs for all these people strangers to enable jobs for all these college graduates to take over your place as a grandparent. And tons of children are still being abused by parents unable to take care of their children alone because of divorce or death of a parent. It's so bad and yet the system thrives with jobs for all these strangers to overtake the rights a grandparent should have naturally.
The lawyers and doctors have top priority over anyone, while grandparents are totally ignored.
 
Murrmurr said:
I can relate, somewhat. I'm a licensed foster care giver for CPS. My first placement was an infant, a boy not even a month old. His mother disappeared when he was about 7 months old, and when he'd been with me for 18 months, his caseworker started talking to me about adoption. I said yes! Then, his mother reappeared and went into rehab for alcohol and meth addiction. She kept failing, and the court kept giving her another chance. They gave her custody of my boy shortly before his 3rd birthday.

Eight months later, CPS took him from her again because she'd been abusing him, but they wouldn't let me take him because this happened in a different county. For a while, though, they let me have him on weekends. It was obvious he was traumatized, but he was happy as a clam while he was with me. His mother didn't like that, and asked CPS to end our weekends. Now I can't see him at all.

CPS is talking about giving him back to his mother again. I'm having a real hard time with this. I can't stop thinking about him, and I worrying about him every single day. My beautiful boy's mental health is at risk, his future is probably bleak. It really hurts.
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Did you see the YouTube story reported by what is happening in Anerica?
Called ' Our America ' and it's suppose to be legal!!!!!!
Throw away kids!
This report was in LA
Still it's everywhere in the world.
No one wants to do anything about it.
It's true........not enough foster homes.
OK not enough laws helping moms when daddy is very bad etc

It's so sad....
 
Autumn72 said:
Did you see the YouTube story reported by what is happening in Anerica?
Called ' Our America ' and it's suppose to be legal!!!!!!
Throw away kids!
This report was in LA
Still it's everywhere in the world.
No one wants to do anything about it.
It's true........not enough foster homes.
OK not enough laws helping moms when daddy is very bad etc

It's so sad....
Click to expand...
I'll check it out, Autumn. I've seen CPS do some bad things but I'm sure I haven't seen the worst they can do. And this is all about money. Ruining children's lives for money. CPS and Family Courts are tax-funded, and they want as much of that funding to go into their pockets as possible. To do that, they cut corners on stuff like alcohol and drug rehabilitation, professional mental health care by actual professional therapists, skills training + employment services, focused parenting coaches, and clean, suitable housing.

Someone who was raised by abusive, neglectful, alcohol and/or drug-addicted parents isn't likely to grow up to be a good parent. A lot of today's foster kids are the children of 2nd and 3rd generation addicts and abusers. You don't hire some 21-year-old who's been fast-tracked through family counseling classes to solve these problems. ...Well, CPS does. To save money. And it's literally damaging children...who grow up angry, violent, anti-social and even psychotic.

Anyway, thanks, I'll go find that story.
 
Murrmurr said:
I'll check it out, Autumn. I've seen CPS do some bad things but I'm sure I haven't seen the worst they can do. And this is all about money. Ruining children's lives for money. CPS and Family Courts are tax-funded, and they want as much of that funding to go into their pockets as possible. To do that, they cut corners on stuff like alcohol and drug rehabilitation, professional mental health care by actual professional therapists, skills training + employment services, focused parenting coaches, and clean, suitable housing.

Someone who was raised by abusive, neglectful, alcohol and/or drug-addicted parents isn't likely to grow up to be a good parent. A lot of today's foster kids are the children of 2nd and 3rd generation addicts and abusers. You don't hire some 21-year-old who's been fast-tracked through family counseling classes to solve these problems. ...Well, CPS does. To save money. And it's literally damaging children...who grow up angry, violent, anti-social and even psychotic.

Anyway, thanks, I'll go find that story.
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Oh, I sure I agree. I do believe for some mothers there should be help for both to keep children with mothers that are not rich but need help in all it takes to hold them together.
The story I refer to is about legally throwing kids away without out the cps aide
They have a runway......these private women are doing this.....and some don't care as their adopted families that no longer want them. This is going on now..
 
Autumn72 said:
Oh, I sure I agree. I do believe for some mothers there should be help for both to keep children with mothers that are not rich but need help in all it takes to hold them together.
The story I refer to is about legally throwing kids away without out the cps aide
They have a runway......these private women are doing this.....and some don't care as their adopted families that no longer want them. This is going on now..
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Ok I think I found it. I added it to my play-list for later.
 

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