Anyone else here estranged from their family?

I've had no contact with my siblings, cousins, nieces etc ., for years and years. I'm happy with that. We just chose different, and probably irreconcilable paths to walk. I've got no interest in meeting them again and I always declined invites to family reunions.
As a family, we have a very close relationship with each other ( although we live some distance apart).
 

Nohelany said:
I never thought that would happen to me when i got divorce. But that is a cruel reality.
Click to expand...
A son divorced a woman who the entire family was in love with, but their marriage wasn't working for reasons unclear to me. Painful as it was - and is - we to cut her out of our lives because it was too difficult for my son to have contact with her.

She understood, though it was painful for her to lose all of us.

They are both happily remarried to partners who are clearly more suitable, healthier matches for them. Nevertheless, I still miss her sometimes.

That cruel reality hits everyone, not just the immediate players.
 
I have no contact with my brother and just email my sister. My brother was 5 years older and very nasty to me growing up. My sister has a very difficult personality.

When I divorced my last husband I was worried about my stepson because I had been in his life since he was 8. He and I still have a good relationship and he said he doesn’t blame me for leaving his dad because he lacks a moral compass.

I see my stepson and his wife regularly and they are having a baby soon and I will be a grandma for the first time. My ex and I have no difficulty getting along when we see each other at family gatherings.
 

I lost contact with virtually all my paternal relatives except 2 nieces. I do wish I knew more of the medical history, but outside of that, they were no loss whatsoever, LOL. Keep in casual contact with some maternal relatives, my immediate family was never super close with any of them. My sister and brother keep in touch with different maternal relatives, which is ironic but occasionally useful.

My spouse pretty much dropped all his family by choice except for a cousin we email on occasion, along with a stepsister. My sister's ex-spouse is also a part of our immediate 'clan', and they both help with their son's young kids, since they all live within 2 miles of one another. We live the next town over, so we're about 15-30 min away, depending on traffic. We're very good friends with my ex-BIL so we see him more often than I see my sister!

It's pretty common in the SFBA to build a social network of co-workers (current and/or ex-), a few family members, and some good friends, rather than belonging to just one particular group.
 
Lethe200 said:
It's pretty common in the SFBA to build a social network of co-workers (current and/or ex-), a few family members, and some good friends, rather than belonging to just one particular group.
Click to expand...
Same in Los Angeles. Other than our kids, our closest relative is 3+ hours away, all others are airplane flight distance. So our kids and their spouses and their spouses' families, our friends, and our kids' friends make up most of our social groups.

It works for us.
 
debodun said:
Just my father's side. I was too young to have any clear-cut memories other than to realize there was some trouble between my dad and his mom. He rented an upstairs apartment from his parents in a 3-family house where we lived then. It ended up with my grandparents moving out and we moved into the downstairs flat that had more room. Then my dad rented out the two upstairs apartments.
Click to expand...
To add to this: I made an attempt to reconcile with my paternal grandparents in the 1960s. I would visit them occasionally. They were polite, but did not show overt signs of familial affection. On one visit I asked to have something form them as a family heirloom (they were glass beer steins my father brought back from Germany when he was there during WW2). Most grandparents would be thrilled if their grandchildren wanted any of their mementos. However, when I asked, my grandmother said, "I'd prefer that they went to someone in the family." I was shocked and said something to the effect that I was her GRANDCHILD. She replied that after the trouble with my father, she disowned him, my mom and me, and to her I was just "one of the neighborhood kids." I never went back to visit. Grandma passed in 1975 and grandpa in 1989. The house was eventually demolished. I never knew what became of the steins.
 
Last edited:
After the tryout holiday to learn how to live alone in 1982, I came back gave myself another two years to work things out at home. Yes, I was that generous lol! I went ahead and signed a lease.

The place was cute, cosy but still amazingly large. One double bedroom with full bathroom. On the side of flat. The other 3 rooms were in a rectangular shape. At entrance there was a wee closet, then into a small U-Shaped kitchen opening over the counter with sink, type island counter, onto dining room with round table with four chairs. Half-wall with fence-like view-through into wee living room with large patio doors onto balcony.

There was also another balcony from bedroom. Rent was fair for the timeframe. It was also on top floor so no one above. Stairs were in the middle of building, which meant you didn't hear the neighbours either.

I was bit heartbroken to break away but it was required. Life with one parent left was intolerable. However, the Gypsy reading of 6 years earlier came true. Met hubby-to-be, got engaged, cancelled lease in that flat and moved into a 3 bedroom row house for our future family. Then prepared for our wedding and life away from crazy leftover relatives and never regretted it.

Sadly, not everyone's life away from family and friends work out good and I feel your pain. As much as I tried to reconnect with the one relative and his better half, it worked okay with her, not with him. So, I'm putting it out of mind, out if sight. I've a life to rebuild and live to the fullest...

Blessed be!
 
I just feel there is a point where you can not go back these people are strangers now .......
i saw a cousin recently and she said she loves me ( made me feel super weird) we have not seen each other in 30 years ... heck she does not even know me just a faint memory of what we were like as children or very young adults ......

I wonder how many perhaps wanted to rectify something and have a relationship but too much time has gone by..... what would you talk about as you have no idea who they became .... it would be like meeting a whole new person
 
I left home at 16 after at huge violent fight with my father who hit so hard he broke bones. My mother knew but chose to call me ‘the home wrecker.’ It was easier for her to wear the blinders and sweep the ugly truth under the carpet.’

There was reconciliation where I tried extra hard to get along with them but it always came at a price. In order to have a relationship with my family, I had to play along with the game that I was less than and undeserving.
One day that game became too unbearable so I once again cut ties.

Years later when my brother needed help with them he suggested we all get back together and I took the bait only to get treated like garbage once again. Unfortunately my parents really weren’t doing well. My brother was supposed to be caring for them but wasn’t so I did. It was the hardest thing I had to do in my life but I did help them until I no longer could and then found them a nursing home they both were happy with sharing together.

That was the last I saw them which was over 3 years ago as well as my brother. I know I was merely used but did the right thing regardless.
 
I sent a letter to my mother to tell her I would not be visiting her at her home anymore because each time I did she would put me down & I would not put up with it anymore. (She responded, "You really need to see a psychiatrist!!") So much for making peace. As it happened at that time, I needed my stepfather to give me a ride to a family selling some furniture I ended agreeing to buy, but before driving me home, he stopped at his and mother's home. (Sneaky, clever way to get me there) grrr. I stayed in car, until I felt stupid just sitting there and gave in and went into their house. (Kitchen) Mother was right there with a hopeful(?) nonangry look on her face as I came in. What could I do with her looking like that? Without saying anything. I hugged her and she hugged me back. This did not stop her put downs. sigh. I stayed angry with my stepfather's trick of getting me there, but I'm glad he did. At least I have that good memory of that one true closeness time with my mother.
 
Jeni said:
I wonder how many perhaps wanted to rectify something and have a relationship but too much time has gone by..... what would you talk about as you have no idea who they became .... it would be like meeting a whole new person
Click to expand...
A cousin lives in this province. He came to visit a few years ago. We really had nothing much to talk about. I had been in touch with his brother a couple of times a year and we could chat for hours. He has died and I miss our chats.
 
On my Dad's side of the family, only one of my many cousins talks to me. The only other one passed away and he was only friendly with me because the girl he married was my friend. My son who cheated on his wife with a slut stopped talking to me 2 yrs ago because I was friendly with his ex-wife. I love my son's ex and she did a remarkable job raising my 2 grandsons.
 
Elsie said:
I sent a letter to my mother to tell her I would not be visiting her at her home anymore because each time I did she would put me down & I would not put up with it anymore. (She responded, "You really need to see a psychiatrist!!") So much for making peace. As it happened at that time, I needed my stepfather to give me a ride to a family selling some furniture I ended agreeing to buy, but before driving me home, he stopped at his and mother's home. (Sneaky, clever way to get me there) grrr. I stayed in car, until I felt stupid just sitting there and gave in and went into their house. (Kitchen) Mother was right there with a hopeful(?) nonangry look on her face as I came in. What could I do with her looking like that? Without saying anything. I hugged her and she hugged me back. This did not stop her put downs. sigh. I stayed angry with my stepfather's trick of getting me there, but I'm glad he did. At least I have that good memory of that one true closeness time with my mother.
Click to expand...
I am extremely sorry for your mother's response. Please know that it is common when adult children confront a parent with past abuse, neglect, trauma or mistreatment. I got "you're insane, you're crazy." That's how they go. I wonder if your mother could be an undiagnosed personality disorder.

This is an interesting article. The first page sums it up but it continues. I posted it here once before.
The Missing Missing Reasons | Issendai.com
 
FOG is a term named by Forward, suggesting that fear, obligation, and guilt are the dynamics in emotional blackmail between the manipulator and the victim. The acronym FOG also accurately describes the confusion and lack of clarity and thinking that can occur in these interpersonal dynamics.

🤷‍♀️That’s it in a nutshell and what a powerful motivating trio it is. 😬 I’ve never heard of this before but what a lightbulb moment this is.
Fear, obligation & guilt. OMG! What an intensely emotional force to be dealing with.
Thanks @Remy.
 
I've come to the conclusion that just because someone is related by blood, that doesn't make them family. Over the years at work I'd seen too many people used & abused by their blood relation repeatedly. Some ceased contact, others did not. If family can't treat you right, no matter how they're related to you, you shouldn't put up with it.

For reasons unknown to me, a cousin stopped contact over 20 years ago. We had always exchanged Christmas & birthday cards. One year I didn't get one which is no big deal because things get lost in the mail. I continued to send cards for the next two years, but didn't get anything back. So I stopped. Once she tried to contact me through my husbands Facebook, but I didn't reply. Around the same time, my brother asked if I had talked to her lately & I told him she cut off contact years ago, so no. I didn't bother to ask him any questions.

My younger brother passed several years ago who had an ex & some kids. None of them ever contacted me after the divorce & I can understand that. I didn't take sides in it because it was tit-for-tat. After he passed, the coroner attempted to notify the next of kin, being the kids. Messages was left & not one of them would call the office back. The investigator finally called me to make official notification. In order for the body to be released to me & my other brother, we had to have the kids permission before we could bury him. The funeral home called & left messages telling them we wanted to bury our brother & would they release the body to us.

As soon as they found out they didn't have to spend money, they were more than willing to do so. I was making the arrangements when my brother said he talked to his ex & the kids wanted to come. WTF? They had no contact for years & wouldn't call the coroner back, but now they wanted to see him? So it had to be delayed until they flew in.

At the funeral, the eldest asked for some family history. I didn't have a problem with that & sent it via e-mail. For a short time, we exchanged e-mails. When she found out there was no inheritance coming her way, all e-mails stopped. I've written them off as well now.

I've decided that anyone in my family that acts or treats me or mine badly has no place in my life. I don't do drama. I am willing to help people when it's needed. With that being said, they also have to be willing to help themselves & stand on their own in the end. I have friends that mean more to me than some family members. I know if I need help, they will be there for me. It may seem cold to some, but I have no problem cutting so called family out of my life that don't care about me or mine.
 
Lilac said:
I've come to the conclusion that just because someone is related by blood, that doesn't make them family. Over the years at work I'd seen too many people used & abused by their blood relation repeatedly. Some ceased contact, others did not. If family can't treat you right, no matter how they're related to you, you shouldn't put up with it.
Click to expand...

I find it reassuring i am not alone in seeing this ..... I spent years listening to others pretend and talk about big family gatherings..then after just talk bad about all their "family" and how mad they are about this or that etc......... i just smile knowing the ideal family is a tv/ movie invention .....
people seem all weird about estrangement....... but i have no fake gatherings and pretend you like them etc.
 
debodun said:
To add to this: I made an attempt to reconcile with my paternal grandparents in the 1960s. I would visit them occasionally. They were polite, but did not show overt signs of familial affection. On one visit I asked to have something form them as a family heirloom (they were glass beer steins my father brought back from Germany when he was there during WW2). Most grandparents would be thrilled if their grandchildren wanted any of their mementos. However, when I asked, my grandmother said, "I'd prefer that they went to someone in the family." I was shocked and said something to the effect that I was her GRANDCHILD. She replied that after the trouble with my father, she disowned him, my mom and me, and to her I was just "one of the neighborhood kids." I never went back to visit. Grandma passed in 1975 and grandpa in 1989. The house was eventually demolished. I never knew what became of the steins.
Click to expand...
I'm so sorry this happened to you, Deb. What a horrible, hurtful thing for this woman to have said to you. Obviously you were better off without someone like her in your life but those words must have cut like a knife. 😢
 
StarSong said:
What a horrible, hurtful thing for this woman to have said to you. Obviously you were better off without someone like her in your life but those words must have cut like a knife. 😢
Click to expand...
Even as a teenager at the time, I remember her exact words to this day. The April before she passed, she sent me a birthday card and something told me to keep it. I still have it somewhere. The biggest irony is that she passed the same day that my parents closed on the house I eventually inherited.
 
Jeni said:
I find it reassuring i am not alone in seeing this ..... I spent years listening to others pretend and talk about big family gatherings..then after just talk bad about all their "family" and how mad they are about this or that etc......... i just smile knowing the ideal family is a tv/ movie invention .....
people seem all weird about estrangement....... but i have no fake gatherings and pretend you like them etc.
Click to expand...
You hit the nail on the head with that. Not to go off topic, but I wonder how many lives have gotten screwed up thinking everything is supposed to be like Ozzie & Harriet. Hollywood is make believe, not real life in the real world.

Really, family members are no different than other people you interact with in your life. Not everyone can or will get along & that is something I feel is out of your control. You can only do what is right & best for you & yours, those are the people that will always be around you & there when you need them most. Life is sometimes too short to deal with those who are bad for you. That is a topic for another thread I think.
 
Elsie said:
I sent a letter to my mother to tell her I would not be visiting her at her home anymore because each time I did she would put me down & I would not put up with it anymore. (She responded, "You really need to see a psychiatrist!!") So much for making peace. As it happened at that time, I needed my stepfather to give me a ride to a family selling some furniture I ended agreeing to buy, but before driving me home, he stopped at his and mother's home. (Sneaky, clever way to get me there) grrr. I stayed in car, until I felt stupid just sitting there and gave in and went into their house. (Kitchen) Mother was right there with a hopeful(?) nonangry look on her face as I came in. What could I do with her looking like that? Without saying anything. I hugged her and she hugged me back. This did not stop her put downs. sigh. I stayed angry with my stepfather's trick of getting me there, but I'm glad he did. At least I have that good memory of that one true closeness time with my mother.
Click to expand...
That was quite a (manipulative) stunt your mother pulled, having you kidnapped like that, and she didn't even see fit to open the door to meet you. She might have asked your stepdad to ask you if you would mind if she rode along to help.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top