Are we forgiving in general?

grahamg:

Have no pithy in me, like silly statements as in captions over cartoons, lots of pithy lurking around in simplicity.

Overall, on forgiveness, tend to agree that we have forgotten many incidents wherein, 'he done me wrong'.

Would bet that events when we were humiliated remain stronger than resentment and anger towards others
Those events need to be forgiven, especially-if the culprit is ourselves?

If and when these events, 'flash in our minds' we immediately repress them.
I'm trying to think of the last time I was humiliated by others or by my own stupid behavior...Hmm, can't bring it into being?
Do I need to forgive myself? :unsure:
 

Not everything is forgivable. In my world, if something is truly unintentional, I'm forgiving. Most things are not unintentional.
 

Nathan said:
I forgive people for MY benefit, that way I don't have the burden of carrying the emotional load someone's transgression around with me...

Some people say they are sorry, some people don't, and I don't spend any grief on the matter.
Click to expand...
A good way to go I'm sure, you must be strong minded to keep it up all the time I'd suggest.
 
tbeltrans said:
To me, holding grudges as a rather difficult thing because:

1. We have to remember who we are supposed to be mad at and why
2. In order to succeed at #1, we have to keep the issues in mind, replaying them, which puts in a bad mood to begin with
3. Holding grudges is bad for our health because #2 really does eat away at our well being
4. Related to #3, it is said by some that holding grudges does nothing for the person we are aiming at, but does hurt us

I could probably think of more, but I think these give the picture. Being in a 12 Step program, I have to apologize for my part in whatever happened. My mother always said it takes two to tangle, and she was right. It may be that I said something in such a way that the other person took offense, for example. It doesn't matter if the other person apologizes or not.

What I have found is what the 12 Step programs caution to expect - often, people will perceive such an apology as me taking entire responsibility, letting the other person off the hook, or the apologizing person being considered weak. It is an odd thing, but all too often, true. I have rarely had a person admit his or her part in the thing, instead the amends being one-sided. However, regardless, I have admitted my part and can walk away a free man, while the other person can hold on to a grudge if s/he so chooses.

Then, there are the big things, such as being in a traffic accident in which somebody is killed or maimed for life, or someone close to you is murdered. From what I have read in article/stories in which the person injured by these things decides to forgive, that act is very freeing to the person doing the forgiving, so s/he can get on with his or her life.

Of course, there are all manner of shades in between these two extremes, but we always have a choice as to how we will deal with it. I tend to choose not to hold a grudge, though I agree with the poster who said Aunt Bea. We don't have to trust and put ourselves in jeopardy of being hurt again. Also, I agree with those who say we can forgive, but we don't forget. Though we may not forget, we can free ourselves from reliving the emotions surrounding the situation by forgiving.

Tony
Click to expand...

A great post, Tony.

From Marriage Encounter I have learned that Love is a decision, not a feeling. Feelings arise and fall away because they are bodily reactions but Love is action. The best form of love is unconditional. When we decide to love someone unconditionally, without asking love in return we free ourselves to open up and grow emotionally.

The same could be said of the act of forgiveness. For a very long time I refused to forgive my grandmother for her sharp words to me when I was a very young woman. I cut her out of my heart and my life. Many years later, when I had grown wiser, I regretted what I had done but by then she had died. I could no longer reconcile with her nor ask her to forgive me and I carried my regret like a stone in my heart. I had forgiven her but could not forgive myself.

Eventually I found that I could seek forgiveness by an act of contrition. Two of her sons, my father's brothers, had died in WW II. Dad was no longer alive but he had two other brothers, my uncles, still alive. I contacted and visited them and found out the final resting place of the brother who was killed when the Japanese swept south through Malaya towards Singapore. He is buried in Krangi Imperial War Cemetery and no member of his family had ever visited the grave. Hubby and I elected to stop over in Singapore on our return to Australia from UK in 1985. We found his grave and I placed a Singapore orchid near his headstone and whispered, "This is for you, Grandma". From that day to this, the stone has gone from my heart and I am at peace with the past.

The act changed nothing that was done, or not done, but it changed me. I am glad that I decided to make that small gesture. That day I experienced the power of Forgiveness, and of Love. I have since returned to Singapore and once again visited the uncle I never knew and had a chat to him. I asked him to tell his brother who rests deep in the interior of Nigeria that I think of him too but it is unlikely that I will ever be able to place a flower on his grave. Perhaps one day?...

And Tony, I too am familiar with the 12 Steps. They are a path to healing that sadly not everyone is prepared to follow.
 
Last edited:
Warrigal said:
A great post, Tony.

From Marriage Encounter I have learned that Love is a decision, not a feeling. Feelings arise and fall away because they are bodily reactions but Love is action. The best form of love is unconditional. When we decide to love someone unconditionally, without asking love in return we free ourselves to open up and grow emotionally.

The same could be said of the act of forgiveness. For a very long time I refused to forgive my grandmother for her sharp words to me when I was a very young woman. I cut her out of my heart and my life. Many years later, when I had grown wiser, I regretted what I had done but by then she had died. I could no longer reconcile with her nor ask her to forgive me and I carried my regret like a stone in my heart. I had forgiven her but could not forgive myself.

Eventually I found that I could seek forgiveness by an act of contrition. Two of her sons, my father's brothers, had died in WW II. Dad was no longer alive but he had two other brothers, my uncles, still alive. I contacted and visited them and found out the final resting place of the brother who was killed when the Japanese swept south through Malaya towards Singapore. He is buried in Krangi Imperial War Cemetery and no member of his family had ever visited the grave. Hubby and I elected to stop over in Singapore on our return to Australia from UK in 1985. We found his grave and I placed a Singapore orchid near his headstone and whispered, "This is for you, Grandma". From that day to this, the stone has gone from my heart and I am at peace with the past.

The act changed nothing that was done, or not done, but it changed me. I am glad that I decided to make that small gesture. That day I experienced the power of Forgiveness, and of Love. I have since returned to Singapore and once again visited the uncle I never knew and had a chat to him. I asked him to tell his brother who rests deep in the interior of Nigeria that I think of him too but it is unlikely that I will ever be able to place a flower on his grave. Perhaps one day?...

And Tony, I too am familiar with the 12 Steps. They are a path to healing that sadly not everyone is prepared to follow.
Click to expand...

Thanks for taking the time to post this. Many of us who are involved with a 12 Step program, did so out of desperation as the only way back to sanity. This is unfortunate, I agree, because it is a good program for many predicaments people find themselves in, however temporary. Each of us has a choice as to how we will approach life. When I hear about office politics, I see that as a perfect example. Many people (certainly not all) when asked, will readily tell you that they would rather be somewhere else, doing something else, than be at work in that particular job. So what I find curious is why, then, would we choose to play politics and make both ours and everybody else's work lives miserable and stressful instead of pulling together to get through the work day? We can say the same thing about life in general. Why not choose to be kind and help each other through life instead of bickering, openly fighting, etc.? It sounds so simple, but as with anything Uptonian, human nature intrudes.

Tony
 
Tommy said:
Forgiving, forgetting and accepting are completely different things. Forgiving a person's words or actions does not necessarily correlate to either forgetting or accepting them.
Click to expand...

I agree. I once struggled with this issue so intensely that I talked with my pastor about it. He told me that whereas God does ask us to forgive, he does not ask us to continue to be a victim of an offending party, i.e., we should forgive someone who steals from us, but we are not asked to give them the opportunity to do it again.
 
For anyone that was in the Marines, you may have been in the same barracks as I was while in boot camp at Parris island. This is almost an impossibility, but in that barracks was a sign, which read:
"When in war, It's God's job to forgive our enemy.
It's our job to arrange the meeting!"
 
Life can be about a battle of wills very often, people maybe "finding fault", (deliberately, or narcissistically), so there can be much to try to forgive, or avoid in future,
......if only I were more perfect myself I'd have less trouble putting them straight wouldn't I, and forgiving them if they didn't like it. šŸ¤£šŸ¤Ŗ? .
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top