Are you holding onto something you really need to let go of?

palides2021 said:
(I reworded this after reading what you wrote about your wife and her cancer.)

I am sorry that you are going through this, @bobcat48 ! Unfortunately, we cannot bring them back. It took me a long time to get over my grief and guilt after my husband died. I would repeat in my mind the incidents that happened on the day he died, and I kept trying to see if there was something I could have done better, but it was his time to go. We all must go one day. Some go sooner than others.

I found peace after going to the monastery and speaking to the elder and the nuns. They told me no matter how much I wanted him to stay, it was his time to go. I also spoke with the priest of our church. His words comforted me. It took me 9 months to stop crying daily. It took me 4 years to finally accept what happened and to move on.

Keeping busy helped me cope. I went back to school and got more active in church. Don't stay alone. Become active in your community or do something that keeps your mind occupied. Grief takes a toll, I know. But don't let it overwhelm you. There is so much that life has to offer.

Another thing that helped me was to give donations in memory of my husband. For example, I bought several trees for our library in his memory. Now whenever I see the trees, I think about him.
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I think you're right. It seems my brain has accepted her death on one level, but the acceptance that it happens to everyone no matter what we do, is maybe just slow to settle in. Thank you.
 

Nathan said:
@bobcat48 , I can relate to and empathize with what you've expressed here. I'm a lifelong mechanic, both prfessionally and personally...my 'mission' is to fix what needs fixing. I used to think that if my wife succumbs to a 4th cancer or develops some life threatening/life ending metabolic conditions, that I might have not done all that I could have to help her. But, I know that I can't "change" someone else, I can't "live" someone else's life. I continue to try to influence her in positive ways.
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Thanks Nathan. I think the posts here have helped me to begin to look at things differently, and not feel, in some way, responsible for the final outcome. I think my brain just has a hard time accepting that there is no solution. Maybe I need a brain transplant. Lol.
 

6 month? You are still in the depth of grief!
6 months after my husband died, I was buying tires for my car. The man asked me, "What size?"
I laughed and said, "I don't know. My husband always takes care of . . . " started crying uncontrollably.

I was in a grocery store and saw a juicy, marbled rib steak. "Oh, My honey would love that!"
Again, burst into tears!

6 months? I took me five years to get back to being me. Even though I understand he's so much
more alive than I am now. Go easy on yourself. You are experiencing deep grief and may for some time!
These are normal and natural feelings of a tender heart. She's looking over you! Know that.
 
Magna-Carta said:
Some telling others to "just move on" will never work. It shows a lack of understanding of the complexities of some of these things. An insult to the person and the person’s memories and experiences perhaps.
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YES! I find that it's right up there with telling a clinically depressed person to "just cheer up" or "get over it" It can be so insensitive, but it happens very often.
 
bobcat48 said:
You are so right. This won't make sense to anyone probably, but today it has been exactly six months since my wife passed away from cancer.
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It makes perfect sense, and I *do* understand. I am so sorry for what you went through, and for the loss of your wife. Believe me when I say that she didn't expect you to "fix" anything, and that the greatest joy for her was that you were *there* with her when it mattered. 🫂
 
CallMeKate said:
It makes perfect sense, and I *do* understand. I am so sorry for what you went through, and for the loss of your wife. Believe me when I say that she didn't expect you to "fix" anything, and that the greatest joy for her was that you were *there* with her when it mattered. 🫂
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Thank you for those wonderful sentiments, and it really got to me when I read this. It's like a burden lifted because I know you're right. She knew there was nothing I could do, and she didn't expect me to. I tried to put on a brave face, but I think she could see right through it all. Her last night in the hospital, I had been there all day, and I slept in the chair the previous night. She wasn't conscious at all.
Anyway the nurse told me to go home, get some sleep, and they would call me if there was any change. I got there early the next morning, set my stuff down, kissed her on the forehead and told her I was there with her, not knowing if she even knew it, but after taking her hand, within 5 minutes she stopped breathing and was gone. Somehow, some way, I think she knew it was OK. So I think you're right again. She must have known that it mattered that I was there and it was OK to let go.
 
Gaer said:
6 month? You are still in the depth of grief!
6 months after my husband died, I was buying tires for my car. The man asked me, "What size?"
I laughed and said, "I don't know. My husband always takes care of . . . " started crying uncontrollably.

I was in a grocery store and saw a juicy, marbled rib steak. "Oh, My honey would love that!"
Again, burst into tears!

6 months? I took me five years to get back to being me. Even though I understand he's so much
more alive than I am now. Go easy on yourself. You are experiencing deep grief and may for some time!
These are normal and natural feelings of a tender heart. She's looking over you! Know that.
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You are so right. It's the little things that trigger the emotions. The next day after she passed, I got up the next morning and saw her coffee cup in the cupboard, and I just lost it. On other days, it was some other crazy thing like slippers, or whatever.
Anyway, I apologize, I didn't mean to make this thread about me. I was just wondering if others had not let go of some things that they really needed to. Hopefully, others will have more of that. Thank you for sharing.
 
PeppermintPatty said:
Yes but I can’t explain why.
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Yeah, some things can make sense logically, but it's not the same emotionally. I used to wonder why, if a couple got divorced because they just weren't compatible, and then she sees her ex with someone else, why it would bother her (She didn't want him anyway). But oftentimes, it does, just the same. Happens with men too, so it works both ways.
 
bobcat48 said:
You are so right. It's the little things that trigger the emotions. The next day after she passed, I got up the next morning and saw her coffee cup in the cupboard, and I just lost it. On other days, it was some other crazy thing like slippers, or whatever.
Anyway, I apologize, I didn't mean to make this thread about me. I was just wondering if others had not let go of some things that they really needed to. Hopefully, others will have more of that. Thank you for sharing.
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I remember placing his cup on the table after he was gone. I also experienced these things that meant so much to me.
 
bobcat48 said:
Thank you for those wonderful sentiments, and it really got to me when I read this. It's like a burden lifted because I know you're right. She knew there was nothing I could do, and she didn't expect me to. I tried to put on a brave face, but I think she could see right through it all. Her last night in the hospital, I had been there all day, and I slept in the chair the previous night. She wasn't conscious at all.
Anyway the nurse told me to go home, get some sleep, and they would call me if there was any change. I got there early the next morning, set my stuff down, kissed her on the forehead and told her I was there with her, not knowing if she even knew it, but after taking her hand, within 5 minutes she stopped breathing and was gone. Somehow, some way, I think she knew it was OK. So I think you're right again. She must have known that it mattered that I was there and it was OK to let go.
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This is so precious! Thank you for sharing it. You brought tears to my eyes.
 
I held onto anger and low self-esteem for many years after growing up as a gay man. I went to a therapist in my early 40's due to severe depression. He asked me at what point in my life I felt my lowest. I told him it was when I was a 9 year-old chubby, effeminate boy who was often teased. He told me I had "buried" that boy in my subconscious, tried to move on and needed to revisit that time. I did, and I just bawled uncontrollably. I realized I had never really moved past that, nor had I been true to myself and my feelings. It was the most cathartic experience I've ever had.

These days, I try not to hold onto anything that is negative. I do a lot of self-reflection to look back on the things I've accomplished and focus on all the positives in my life.
 
seadoug said:
I held onto anger and low self-esteem for many years after growing up as a gay man. I went to a therapist in my early 40's due to severe depression. He asked me at what point in my life I felt my lowest. I told him it was when I was a 9 year-old chubby, effeminate boy who was often teased. He told me I had "buried" that boy in my subconscious, tried to move on and needed to revisit that time. I did, and I just bawled uncontrollably. I realized I had never really moved past that, nor had I been true to myself and my feelings. It was the most cathartic experience I've ever had.

These days, I try not to hold onto anything that is negative. I do a lot of self-reflection to look back on the things I've accomplished and focus on all the positives in my life.
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Imho, your greatest accomplishment is being the truly authentic person you are. You shine, seadoug.🤗
 
bobcat48 said:
You are so right. This won't make sense to anyone probably, but today it has been exactly six months since my wife passed away from cancer. I have been a handyman for years and I couldn't count the things I have fixed for so many other people. My brain is just wired to fix things, and I always manage to do so through one way or another. Yet here in my life, the one thing that mattered most, I couldn't fix.
I can picture her looking up at me, and I felt so powerless to do anything. I guess I have always felt that it is a man's responsibility to take care of his wife, protect her, and keep her safe, and I failed. Just thinking about it, even now, brings tears to my eyes because I feel that, in the end, I let her down.
Consciously, I know I can't cure cancer, and I don't control everything, but emotionally still feel locked into that whole thing. I have accepted her being gone, and I am learning to live alone, so why can't I let go of not being able to do something for her. I know it sounds ridiculous, and perhaps in time, that will fade. I don't know.
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bobcat48: I know what you're going through. When my husband passed away and I miss him every day, you have to learn to let go, whilst you are still hanging on you are not letting her go to the place where she belongs. You say you are a handyman, why don't you make up a plaque or a grotto to place in your garden in memory of her. Then you can go and sit there and spend time remembering the good things you enjoyed. It's a terrible time to go through and 6 months is still so vivid in your mind. Take Care.
 
I lost my Mom when I was thirteen. It took me 30 years to come to terms with her loss. We are very complex beings. All of us wired differently. Let's have compassion for our brother and sisters and everyone in between. :) @bobcat48 You seem like you are making some good choices to continue on. This Forum was an excellent choice to join. Feel as free as you want to post whatever you you want. I am so sorry for your loss. ❤️
 
oscash said:
bobcat48: I know what you're going through. When my husband passed away and I miss him every day, you have to learn to let go, whilst you are still hanging on you are not letting her go to the place where she belongs. You say you are a handyman, why don't you make up a plaque or a grotto to place in your garden in memory of her. Then you can go and sit there and spend time remembering the good things you enjoyed. It's a terrible time to go through and 6 months is still so vivid in your mind. Take Care.
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Just recently, I have taken that step to let her go. I took her ashes down to her daughters because I knew I was ready to move on. I guess my comment may have been misleading in that. The part I hadn't let go of was, being a handyman, I am so used to finding solutions to problems, so much so, that my brain is just wired to fix things, and here was a situation that was more important than all the others, and I couldn't fix it. As a result, my mind just has a hard time accepting that.
However, as has been pointed out here, she never expected me to fix this, and just being there for her was all she wanted. I never looked at it that way, and I really think that will help.
 
bobcat48 said:
Not speaking of material things, but more the emotional type.
It would seem that one could just make the decision mentally, and that would be the end of it.
Why is it so hard to just let go and move on?
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Good grief, a good, profound question.

YES! YES! YES!

A lot! I've a lot of apologies to make, things to put right. Books to close. And I have one REALLY BIG thing, which just goes on day after day after day. But I see no resolution, so that goes on the back burner.
 
Nope, I do not carry around baggage. I like to travel light.
So I do not hold on to things... I let it out, deal with it,
and continue on my way.
I try to instill that in my children and grandchildren as my parents did with me.
Holding on to stuff manifests itself in illnesses.
 
Some thoughts I have been holding on to are best described in this video.
 

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