Conversations with my husband, yes, he really says stuff like this, and my various mishaps

It may go from verbal threat to ... further. Get out of there, Aneeda.
I decided to read up on domestic abuse issues to try and get an ideal on how either how physically safe I am in my current situation or how much danger I might be in since he has never physically harmed me. Plus, he is mentally ill, I am sure.

Apparently, the worst thing you can do is leave.

Due to all the movies I have seen which contain physical domestic abuse situations I kind of thought this the case, and my reading confirmed it. Instead, the articles recommended you formulate a plan, with the professional help of a therapist, and stick to the plan. I do have a plan. I would like to see a therapist but, you know, I can not drive right now.

Which is why I sought help from two doctors that I already had appointments with and who would not even listen to what I was trying to say, let alone help me. 🤦🏻‍♀️

This afternoon he must have had a realization that what he said was very wrong. He tried to claimed he did not say it. It was an odd conversation and he finally realized that I was not backing down as I had in the past. Plus I told him I had written down what he said, word for word. Things got even odder.

Two weeks and the house should close. Then I will be fine. It’s going to be a long two weeks.
 

Any legal service you can contact?
No, because he has not really done anything. See, I had him tested, it showed he has a lot of rage in general not rage directed at me. In other words, it was nothing personnel about me, I am just there. Kind of like a person who hates his neighbor and kills the neighbors dog.

The psychologist who tested him recommended he get therapy, he won’t. That therapists recommended I get therapy to learn ways to cope with him, my husband, but I’ve already had that therapy, in a way, in learning to deal with mentally ill foster kids. The psychologist also said I need to be very careful of him and I am.

The problem is you can’t reason with crazy. Most of the time he’s fine, but I noticed in the last couple years he is changing. And in the last six months, some stuff has happened which I won’t talk about, but he’s got a bit stranger. I am going back to his doctor and ask for more testing, different, testing. My husband has agreed to more testing as even he realizes something is going on.

All those years ago he got blown off that tank in Viet Nam. All these years, the veterans administration has denied all these brain injury claims to veterans who are clearly a bit off. I still think in addition to PTSD and the increasing rage issues there has got to be some kind of brain damage. Plus 3/4 years ago he had an MRI (before the testing) which showed he not only had a small bullet fragment in his forehead from a childhood accident, but his brain was shrinking.

There has got to be some medical issue with his brain. But, in order for me to track down the problem and find an approximate solution, I have to be alive. 😳. So I had to do what I didn’t want to do when last night he tried to deny what he said to me.

I told him I had written down what he said and told people. Sadly, I also told him, if he kept it up I’d be forced to see if there were any charges I could bring against him. I was pretty clear on this. I do NOT want to do that -it would impact both our lives and wouldn’t help in the long run.

But him saying that “he cared less for me than the dog he had rehomed”, that’s a darn big red flag, and I pointed out to him you go to jail if you hurt a dog, you go to prison if you hurt me. He seemed in a more reasonable mood last night and listened. I have no ideal what triggered all this except he was not happy about seeing the doctor again and learning he still had pneumonia.

I think there is no current danger to me. I only need to get through the next two weeks, which is what I told him, and I will then leave if he wants or stay. But I have a plan either way.

I need to see a therapist to get all this on record and, if necessary, be able to commit him, again if necessary to a hospital not a jail. Or, hopefully, medication cause he needs medication. I don’t think jail or a hospital will be necessary but just in case. I think the pneumonia and less oxygen is playing a part too in this. Anyway, I plan on seeing a therapist and getting advice.
 
So difficult for you. Perhaps it would be good to start a thread in General Discussions to ask for advice. Writing everything down is imperative and send a secure copy to other safe people. Maybe his doctors will help.

Every time my ex-husband was upset about a situation, he took it out on me.

There are more older women leaving their spouses now. A friend wrote about her situation on Facebook. I don’t know if she belonged to a specific group for advice.

OT- Have you hired some movers to help you?
 
So difficult for you. Perhaps it would be good to start a thread in General Discussions to ask for advice. Writing everything down is imperative and send a secure copy to other safe people. Maybe his doctors will help.

Every time my ex-husband was upset about a situation, he took it out on me.

There are more older women leaving their spouses now. A friend wrote about her situation on Facebook. I don’t know if she belonged to a specific group for advice.

OT- Have you hired some movers to help you?
Yeah, I just don’t understand why it happened, why he chose this particular time, as it makes it more sinister since I’m am pretty helpless right now. It was one of the few times we were not disagreeing about anything. Anyway, I finally told my daughter about it, hated to do it, but it will make me safer by doing so.

We don’t need movers. They bought most of our furniture as well. Nothing heavy to move.
 
So it was necessary to involve our oldest children in this mess, and as it stands now, after the house is sold we move to the apartment for a limited amount of time, take care of bills and such, and then separate. We considered divorce, but if we divorce I loose his medical insurance so that is out of the question.

Anyway, we will see. It’s an changing evolving crisis as he still refuses to see a therapist.
 
And this morning, we are not separating. The on going drama of a husband who has lost his mind.
But in earlier posts you talked about living separately under one roof, right? Or am I wrong?
That's not a bad idea, imo, if he'll stay in his quarters.

Do you have medical power of attorney over him? If you do, or if you can get it, then you can decide about psychiatric therapy for him.
 
But in earlier posts you talked about living separately under one roof, right? Or am I wrong?
That's not a bad idea, imo, if he'll stay in his quarters.

Do you have medical power of attorney over him? If you do, or if you can get it, then you can decide about psychiatric therapy for him.
Yes, we will live separately under one roof. There is not enough time left in my life time to get over what he said, did, and did not do. To me, our lives and relationship has and will continue to change over time. As I withdraw further and further from interaction with him. While I did not die that day, something did.

I doubt he will notice a difference as the only person he sees anymore is himself. Having said this, learning NOT to care for someone and putting myself first will be very hard for me. But that choice I made, 50 years ago, was for better or worst and I got worst. 😞 It is what it is.

He has agreed to therapy for now, but he has agreed to many things over the years and there is never follow through. So, I don’t believe him and I won’t force him. People have to want to change, to change, and he doesn’t. I’ve said my piece to anyone that matters. I am unhappy I had to involve our grown children.

But he listened to my son, and now my son is more aware of his actual personality. The crisis is over, things should settle down, and I will adjust.

I have no choice, neither of us does at this point in time.
 
Maybe the layout of your new place will help, if you both can have your own spaces. Do you have your own TVs and computers and cars?
 
Maybe the layout of your new place will help, if you both can have your own spaces. Do you have your own TVs and computers and cars?
We had our own spaces here, in this house. The sale of the house allows us to, once again, be debt free which is important to me. If we ever buy a house again, and I don’t think we will, it will not be a money pit.

Yes, except I do not have a car. I gave it up to afford the house he wanted to buy. I’ve given up a lots of things over the years for him. Another stupid mistake that placed me in this position. I am undecided on whether to buy another car. Covid is still lurking, the India variety is here, and Covid is going up again.

There are not that many places I care to go and my son said he will take me when I want to go somewhere. Husband and I can not get along in a car, best I avoid the experience for a long while until I learn to not engage with him at all. Old habits are hard to break.

When I am forced to go in a car with him as my son works and I have doc appointments, I will have to ride in the back seat. He is so heavy he can’t turn around to talk to me plus I will put my air buds in and listen to my cell phone. He loves to argue, so the trick is not to even talk, not to engage. I am doing that now.

One word replies, short sentences when I need him to do something, no response or re-asking when he does not. It just avoids issues and I want to avoid issues.
 
I hate that you have to live like this, but I’m glad to hear that you’re formulating strategies to keep yourself disengaged from the toxicity. It’s far from ideal but given what you have to work with I think you’re doing an excellent job of working within the parameters you have.

It would be ideal if at some point you could work out to get your own transportation. It’s unclear from what you said whether or not you’re going to be able to do that, but it sure would help you maintain your autonomy.
 
I hate that you have to live like this, but I’m glad to hear that you’re formulating strategies to keep yourself disengaged from the toxicity. It’s far from ideal but given what you have to work with I think you’re doing an excellent job of working within the parameters you have.

It would be ideal if at some point you could work out to get your own transportation. It’s unclear from what you said whether or not you’re going to be able to do that, but it sure would help you maintain your autonomy.
Thanks. I hate that I have to live this way as well. But I am determined not to become a bitter old woman mumbling under my breathe against the woes of my world. 🤪. I will learn to cope. It just takes a while.

I could get my own car after the sale of the house and I may, but there is no rush. Due to my hip I cannot drive as yet anyway.
 
I ask my husband what day is the cable going off at this house, he says the 21. Hmm, why is it being turned off on the 21? Because, he says, it is being turned on at the apartment on the 21. But, I say, we have to be out of this house on the 19th.

He says, yes, I know but if I turn the cable off on the 19th we won’t have cable. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Hmm. But I say, since we are out of this house on the 19th we won’t have cable anyway cause we don’t live here anymore. He just stares blankly at me.

After the third time, he goes oh, I see. So I should have the cable turned off on the 19th? Yup. Then we will be without cable for 2 days? Yup, cause they can not install it till the 21 at the apartment.

This is from the guy who says I am useless and he wants to live alone and take care of himself. 🤬
 
As long as you have somewhere to go after the 19th, you're doing great. My husband would assure me that everything is taken care of, but surprise, there would be no apartment to go to. He just talked with someone about it once and didn't worry about it afterward, and his advice to me was neither should I. What? Don't worry we'll figure something out. Like what? He had no idea.
 
As long as you have somewhere to go after the 19th, you're doing great. My husband would assure me that everything is taken care of, but surprise, there would be no apartment to go to. He just talked with someone about it once and didn't worry about it afterward, and his advice to me was neither should I. What? Don't worry we'll figure something out. Like what? He had no idea.
Yup, that is why I keep double checking as I have had similar experiences. The worst was right after our wedding when he was supposed to have a place for us -him, me, my three year old to live in. He did not. Lesson learned and never forgotten.
 
He is still being very difficult and has a level of anger right under the surface which pops up every now and then. I try very hard not to contradict him, my tongue is red from biting it. 🙄. As we are moving this weekend a certain amount of interaction is necessary and I am being cautious.

I will not be on for a few days as our wifi ends here soon and does not restart to the 21st.
 
He is still being very difficult and has a level of anger right under the surface which pops up every now and then. I try very hard not to contradict him, my tongue is red from biting it. 🙄. As we are moving this weekend a certain amount of interaction is necessary and I am being cautious.

I will not be on for a few days as our wifi ends here soon and does not restart to the 21st.
Well we'll be hoping everything goes well for you Aneeda.. and when you get back on, you're all settled in the new apartment
 
You know I hate to offer advice unless asked and knowing you, you may already have this covered........but, try to put aside as much money as you can separately. Without him knowing. And if your name is on any joint accounts such as bank or credit cards I would change that too. I did that months in advance without any thought that I would actually be leaving. It is sad that sometimes a marriage becomes mainly about money but it does.

Whatever you do, now is the time to put yourself first.
 
You know I hate to offer advice unless asked and knowing you, you may already have this covered........but, try to put aside as much money as you can separately. Without him knowing. And if your name is on any joint accounts such as bank or credit cards I would change that too. I did that months in advance without any thought that I would actually be leaving. It is sad that sometimes a marriage becomes mainly about money but it does.

Whatever you do, now is the time to put yourself first.
Thanks, I have thought about doing this, but, 😂, it’s HIS money. I only make 800 dollars a month. You cannot take your name off a joint account unless you close the account. But finances are not an issue and never have been. Even if we separated he would be fair with the finances where most men would not.

He’s just so strange.
 
When I left I had taken my name off all the joint credit cards and his name off two of mine. I opened my own bank account for my social security check to be direct deposited in. I only was getting $400. plus had to pay $134. out of that for Medicare part B. He did not want me to sign up for it. He didn't need it himself because he uses the VA for health care. After I left I was able to remove my name from his account but had to sign a paper and he had to sign it too. Never had to close it but it is a credit union.

Mine would have been fair, he just didn't have anything to give me. He did however, help me move out which took weeks.

Sounds like you have things under control. Now just heal and hopefully enjoy your new place.
 


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