Coping mechanisms - a spinoff.

Warrigal

Warrigal

SF VIP
Location
Sydney, Australia
This is a spin off from Underock's very personal story about how he and his wife coped with physical separation during her final illness.

Looking back I realise that I have always used mental techniques to strengthen me when I feel vulnerable.

The earliest clear memory that I have of a coping mechanism is feeling frightened of the dark when I was about 10 years old. I had a friend who was into ghost stories and she had me rather spooked, especially when I was in bed with the lights out.

We would go regularly to the movies every Saturday arvo and one of our favourites was Tarzan. Tarzan had his animal friends and allies and I decided to conjure one for myself. I told myself that my eiderdown was actually a huge python, curled up on my bed, guarding me from anything that might try to attack me during my sleep.

It worked. I was able to sleep soundly, knowing myself to be protected by my guardian snake.

What keeps you calm in times of emotional stress?
 

When I was a child, the only way to turn the light on at the top of the stairs in our house was at the top, so I had to go up in the dark. It scared the bejeezits out of me. I swear there were a hundred steps and every one of them was three feet high. I would recite the following Bible verse over and over until I reached the top and turned on the light: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not upon thine own understanding." It got me upstairs without the boogly things getting me.

Now, closing my eyes and breathing very deeply seems to calm me down immensely. If I don't see what's bothering me, I temporarily don't have to deal with it.
 
Darkness and the fear of what might lurk behind a closed closet door in my bedroom as a kid, inspired absolute terror in me, after seeing one of the then-popular Sci-Fi movies. "Invaders from Mars" was one of the worst.

These fears were worst I think from about age 8 up until 10 or so. The "wired" mind of a kid who digested any and all information available to him about Science. imp
 

I suppose a technique for dealing with grief. My Dad and I were talking about my two estranged girls. It's like a death, but no one to help you mourn, you're on your own. He said life is like a series of books. I'm a writer so I could completely identify. You write your own chapters. Some of them you want to reread and some you don't. But with estrangement you have to accept those kids are writing their own lives now. With or without you...and that hurts like Hell. But you're still alive and you must continue to write your own life...world without end. And yes, my dear Mr. Baby and I have things to write without them as well. Ah-men
 
My first encounter with deep grief was when my father died suddenly aged 59. I was 25 at the time, married with two children but I had never even attended a funeral before. I did not believe in God and had no faith in any form of afterlife, neither could I find solace in prayer or scripture.

I was devastated because I strongly identified with my father and felt as if something of myself had died within me.
For at least a couple of years I would dissolve in tears whenever I thought of him.

Dad loved flowering eucalypts and tried several times to grow one but the soil was all wrong. I decided to plant one at my place as a memorial. I bought one at a nursery and we planted it where I could see it from my kitchen and every time I looked at it, especially when it was in flower, I would smile and think how much he would have loved it. It grew rapidly and as it did my pain diminished and I could dig into my memories in a positive way.

Eventually we had to have the tree removed because we had planted it over the main sewer line and its roots got in and blocked the line for the neighbours a couple of times. By then it had served its purpose and I could let it go.
 
I used to have the most terrible nightmares as a child. I would wake up in the middle of the night upset..and end up curled up asleep on the bathroom floor til I fell back to sleep feeling sure since the light was on and I was in a different room, I was "safe" from whatever terror lurked in my dreams. I'm sure this was a pita for my dad who would invariably carry me back to bed and tuck me in. - One night I woke up crying from whatever new terror invaded my dreams and my dad came in and picked me up and carried me outside. He said " Sis, you see that starry sky...all those lights..those lights are on all night and never go out even when yours does..so you can go to sleep knowing they are always on and everything's ok..plus you got your old pa here looking out for you."

I never forgot that. It comforts me even now..even though my dad's been gone over 16 years. Oh, the power of love.
 
I live with the ghosts of fear and loss always, they are an indelible part of who I am. A part of me is forever six years old, chained in a dark room. Sometimes, when I am face down in the pit, bleeding down an emotional razor blade, all that works

is the knowledge of the miracle of love and connection. Even the most tortured souls can rise above unimaginable pain, and risk their way toward healing when offered unconditional love and kindness. A candle in the dark, I call it. I have seen so

many damaged people exhibit such incredible humanity, braving their own agony of despair, triggered into major PTSD, yet reaching out with love and hope to be there for another. I am truly awed and humbled by their unselfishness. How could I do

less? Love is a verb. People send accolades my way for the work I do--little understanding the emotional salvation my clients have provided me time and again. We hold each other's hope, until strength returns. Eek. Now I am all choked up. Meep. Lolol.
 
Something else that helps me is hugging. I really miss my old job for that reason. It was a huge store but every department had circles of friends. When I was younger I wasn't touchy feely at all. But human touch can be such a comfort. If I was having a bad day I could walk up to any number of folks and ask for a hug...and get a heartfelt one in return.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top