Did I make a mistake trying to help a senior friend?

fancicoffee13

Member
Location
Texas
Another similar experience:
Back in my teens, I had a piano teacher. She was Russian & her husband was Romanian. When they got up into their 80's & stopped driving, I often socialized with them - taking them out to breakfast on weekends, helping her care for her cats, errands, etc. Her husband considered himself a chef & a connoisseur of watches & jewelry & he had a little business on the side, selling them.
He liked to show me his expensive diamond rings & other jewelry & say, "I want you to have this when I die." I knew he was trying to show his appreciation, so i said nothing, even though I wasn't interested. His wife would give him a dirty look.
Later, after his funeral, I'd call his wife to ask how she was doing & if she needed help with anything - errands, cat care (she had 10 cats). She would say, "No," & hang up. Obviously, she was afraid I would ask for the jewelry her husband wanted me to have. I just stopped calling her.
Good choice.
 

win231

Well-known Member
Location
CA
My sister is also like that - always seeing bad intent in everyone. She probably absorbed that trait from our mother.
During our mother's last couple of years, a friend came to visit her. When I told my sister about the friend's visit, she said, "She knows mom is old & she came to sniff around & see what she can get."
I reminded my sister that the friend was married to a successful businessman & they live in a nice house & have expensive new cars. My sister's reply? "I don't care, they're after whatever they can get."
 

fancicoffee13

Member
Location
Texas
My sister is also like that - always seeing bad intent in everyone. She probably absorbed that trait from our mother.
During our mother's last couple of years, a friend came to visit her. When I told my sister about the friend's visit, she said, "She knows mom is old & she came to sniff around & see what she can get."
I reminded my sister that the friend was married to a successful businessman & they live in a nice house & have expensive new cars. My sister's reply? "I don't care, they're after whatever they can get."
That's negative thinking alright. Just be positive towards them anyway. Maybe somewhere down the line, they will begin to see it.
 

Spring

New Member
Greetings Caring Friend,

If the relationship was sincerely heartfelt - I suggest you wait a reasonable amount of time (you decide what is reasonable for you) then send the lady a card. You might simply ask how she is doing these days, let her know she is missed and include your phone number after your signature.

Then let it rest – you may be pleasantly surprised with a call to lunch.
 

RadishRose

SF VIP
Location
CT USA
Greetings Caring Friend,

If the relationship was sincerely heartfelt - I suggest you wait a reasonable amount of time (you decide what is reasonable for you) then send the lady a card. You might simply ask how she is doing these days, let her know she is missed and include your phone number after your signature.

Then let it rest – you may be pleasantly surprised with a call to lunch.
Hi @Spring- Welcome to the Forum!
 

FastTrax

Senior Member
Location
We have no idea
I am friends with an 85 year old woman. I was of the impression she had no friends or family. That's how it seemed. I have treated her to lunch, stopped over (with her permission) to drop off a hamburger for her dog and a milkshake for her, just been kind to her all around. And phoned her to see how she is doing.

She has a hard time walking so I would put her wheelchair in my trunk of the car and take her out. She wanted to get out and was happy about it. My mother died in a nursing home so I have compassion for elders. Although this friend does live at home. The last time I saw her she told her she has a sister who takes care of her needs. The sister lives several hours away and is herself a senior.

My friend said "I don't know what I will do if my sister dies". She was confiding in me. I told her to make sure she has a will. I didn't know what else to say. She was saying she was afraid the person who takes care of her dies, so I thought saying "make sure you have a will" was logical because then the will, "will" take care of her. Isn't that what a compassionate friend would say if someone is fearful of being on their own which is what she was telling me? Well, apparently saying that backfired!

I guess she mentioned it to her sister..(I am not sure what was said) and now I have been "banned" from seeing my friend. I said what I did because she was afraid of being on her own and I thought if she had a will that would protect her from harm. I was misunderstood for sure. And startled by the response.

I feel your anguish. From personal experience I have learned the hard way about hearing hard luck stories and when you have done what have done then give by what you're being told is your best advice given the situation and then it is presumed to have backfired then consider the source and that there are always two sides to every story and then there is the truth. Since the daughter was so alarmed and truly concerned for her mother one would think she would confront you directly if for no other reason then to hear what you have to say. This is not advice, just my personal opinion. Enjoy your weekend and GOD Bless.
 

Chrise

Member
Location
California
I am friends with an 85 year old woman. I was of the impression she had no friends or family. That's how it seemed. I have treated her to lunch, stopped over (with her permission) to drop off a hamburger for her dog and a milkshake for her, just been kind to her all around. And phoned her to see how she is doing.

She has a hard time walking so I would put her wheelchair in my trunk of the car and take her out. She wanted to get out and was happy about it. My mother died in a nursing home so I have compassion for elders. Although this friend does live at home. The last time I saw her she told her she has a sister who takes care of her needs. The sister lives several hours away and is herself a senior.

My friend said "I don't know what I will do if my sister dies". She was confiding in me. I told her to make sure she has a will. I didn't know what else to say. She was saying she was afraid the person who takes care of her dies, so I thought saying "make sure you have a will" was logical because then the will, "will" take care of her. Isn't that what a compassionate friend would say if someone is fearful of being on their own which is what she was telling me? Well, apparently saying that backfired!

I guess she mentioned it to her sister..(I am not sure what was said) and now I have been "banned" from seeing my friend. I said what I did because she was afraid of being on her own and I thought if she had a will that would protect her from harm. I was misunderstood for sure. And startled by the response.
That happens, if just a few years younger or of sound mind people. assume the worse, just be careful. Your ok.
 

hellomimi

Namaste 🙏
Location
City of Angels
My sister is also like that - always seeing bad intent in everyone. She probably absorbed that trait from our mother.
During our mother's last couple of years, a friend came to visit her. When I told my sister about the friend's visit, she said, "She knows mom is old & she came to sniff around & see what she can get."
I reminded my sister that the friend was married to a successful businessman & they live in a nice house & have expensive new cars. My sister's reply? "I don't care, they're after whatever they can get."
I used to know someone like that and I felt she needed a friend so bad but she was draining me with her toxicity. I had to un-entangle although I keep sending her positive vibes hoping she allows it to flow within her. I felt bad that I failed but I can't make anyone happy. I can only show them what it's like but can't make them live it.
 

Phoenix

Senior Member
Location
Oregon, U S
I am friends with an 85 year old woman. I was of the impression she had no friends or family. That's how it seemed. I have treated her to lunch, stopped over (with her permission) to drop off a hamburger for her dog and a milkshake for her, just been kind to her all around. And phoned her to see how she is doing.

She has a hard time walking so I would put her wheelchair in my trunk of the car and take her out. She wanted to get out and was happy about it. My mother died in a nursing home so I have compassion for elders. Although this friend does live at home. The last time I saw her she told her she has a sister who takes care of her needs. The sister lives several hours away and is herself a senior.

My friend said "I don't know what I will do if my sister dies". She was confiding in me. I told her to make sure she has a will. I didn't know what else to say. She was saying she was afraid the person who takes care of her dies, so I thought saying "make sure you have a will" was logical because then the will, "will" take care of her. Isn't that what a compassionate friend would say if someone is fearful of being on their own which is what she was telling me? Well, apparently saying that backfired!

I guess she mentioned it to her sister..(I am not sure what was said) and now I have been "banned" from seeing my friend. I said what I did because she was afraid of being on her own and I thought if she had a will that would protect her from harm. I was misunderstood for sure. And startled by the response.
One thing to keep in mind is that at 85 your friend might easily get confused. My mom at that age did. There were a number of reasons, one was her medications. She took everything the doctor recommended without questioning it. She took at least six different meds per day. Does your friend have a hearing problem? There are so many things that could factor in. She probably didn't mean to be cruel. Her sister could be messed up. Also something to remember is that the chemistry in a person's brain can change and the person you knew no longer exists the way she did before. I don't think there is "one" right answer to the situation. I'd say go with your gut. Take it slowly. The answer will come to you.
 

Ferocious

R.I.P. With Us In Spirit Only
Location
UK
Did I make a mistake trying to help a senior friend?

Being the 'Knight in Shining Armour' that I am, I helped a disabled lady older than myself across the road, she then battered me with her brolly, telling me, "It's just taken me an hour to get across that road, and you, you silly sod just brought me back." 😊
 

Morningglory

New Member
Location
Missouri
I am friends with an 85 year old woman. I was of the impression she had no friends or family. That's how it seemed. I have treated her to lunch, stopped over (with her permission) to drop off a hamburger for her dog and a milkshake for her, just been kind to her all around. And phoned her to see how she is doing.
I am friends with an 85 year old woman. I was of the impression she had no friends or family. That's how it seemed. I have treated her to lunch, stopped over (with her permission) to drop off a hamburger for her dog and a milkshake for her, just been kind to her all around. And phoned her to see how she is doing.

She has a hard time walking so I would put her wheelchair in my trunk of the car and take her out. She wanted to get out and was happy about it. My mother died in a nursing home so I have compassion for elders. Although this friend does live at home. The last time I saw her she told her she has a sister who takes care of her needs. The sister lives several hours away and is herself a senior.

My friend said "I don't know what I will do if my sister dies". She was confiding in me. I told her to make sure she has a will. I didn't know what else to say. She was saying she was afraid the person who takes care of her dies, so I thought saying "make sure you have a will" was logical because then the will, "will" take care of her. Isn't that what a compassionate friend would say if someone is fearful of being on their own which is what she was telling me? Well, apparently saying that backfired!

I guess she mentioned it to her sister..(I am not sure what was said) and now I have been "banned" from seeing my friend. I said what I did because she was afraid of being on her own and I thought if she had a will that would protect her from harm. I was misunderstood for sure. And startled by the response.
Hi, sure wish you was my careing friend,you did nothing wrong, and I'm sure she's sorry, 😊

She has a hard time walking so I would put her wheelchair in my trunk of the car and take her out. She wanted to get out and was happy about it. My mother died in a nursing home so I have compassion for elders. Although this friend does live at home. The last time I saw her she told her she has a sister who takes care of her needs. The sister lives several hours away and is herself a senior.

My friend said "I d
I am friends with an 85 year old woman. I was of the impression she had no friends or family. That's how it seemed. I have treated her to lunch, stopped over (with her permission) to drop off a hamburger for her dog and a milkshake for her, just been kind to her all around. And phoned her to see how she is doing.

She has a hard time walking so I would put her wheelchair in my trunk of the car and take her out. She wanted to get out and was happy about it. My mother died in a nursing home so I have compassion for elders. Although this friend does live at home. The last time I saw her she told her she has a sister who takes care of her needs. The sister lives several hours away and is herself a senior.

My friend said "I don't know what I will do if my sister dies". She was confiding in me. I told her to make sure she has a will. I didn't know what else to say. She was saying she was afraid the person who takes care of her dies, so I thought saying "make sure you have a will" was logical because then the will, "will" take care of her. Isn't that what a compassionate friend would say if someone is fearful of being on their own which is what she was telling me? Well, apparently saying that backfired!

I guess she mentioned it to her sister..(I am not sure what was said) and now I have been "banned" from seeing my friend. I said what I did because she was afraid of being on her own and I thought if she had a will that would protect her from harm. I was misunderstood for sure. And startled by the response.
Hi Careingfriend, I wish you were close a
on't know what I will do if my sister dies". She was confiding in me. I told her to make sure she has a will. I didn't know what else to say. She was saying she was afraid the person who takes care of her dies, so I thought saying "make sure you have a will" was logical because then the will, "will" take care of her. Isn't that what a compassionate friend would say if someone is fearful of being on their own which is what she was telling me? Well, apparently saying that backfired!

I guess she mentioned it to her sister..(I am not sure what was said) and now I have been "banned" from seeing my friend. I said what I did because she was afraid of being on her own and I thought if she had a will that would protect her from harm. I was misunderstood for sure. And startled by the response.
 

fancicoffee13

Member
Location
Texas
I am so sorry this happened. Be very careful when helping the elderly. Listen an awful lot, and watch your words even though your heart is in the right place.
 


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