Did I make a mistake trying to help a senior friend?

win231

Well-known Member
Location
CA
I am a bit confused, how could he have boxes of stuff from Auschwitz as a prisoner? That would be impossible, my step-father was among the troops that first arrived there and freed the camp. As I understand it from the very little he said, and history, the prisoners barely had their lives, let alone “boxes of stuff”.

Could he have been a guard? They would have had ”boxes of stuff”. Just curious, you probably don’t know.
I should have made it clearer. He probably had access to boxes of stuff that were stored before he became a prisoner, or during the time he was out. The boxes had everything you could think of - hundred of match books, napkins from restaurants in Germany, etc.

I know he was a prisoner, not a guard because he had a number tattooed on his arm. And he was Jewish.
 

Aneeda72

Well-known Member
I should have made it clearer. He probably had access to boxes of stuff that were stored before he became a prisoner, or during the time he was out. The boxes had everything you could think of - hundred of match books, napkins from restaurants in Germany, etc.

I know he was a prisoner, not a guard because he had a number tattooed on his arm. And he was Jewish.
Thanks, just curious
 

hollydolly

SF VIP
Location
London England
 

Aneeda72

Well-known Member
To answer the OP-
In my opinion yes, because I don't know what making a will has to do with the passing of her caretaker.
Because she would need money to hire someone to take care of her needs. Therefore, the sister needed to make arrangements for her care. The OP was doing things for her and had assumed a slight caretaker role. In that role, the conversation about the Will was valid.
 

Judycat

Senior Member
Location
Pennsylvania
Ah I gave up on people a while ago. Next time tell the person to talk to her sister, or whatever family member, about it and don't agree to do it for her. You want to stay out of the middle. What you were doing was good, but you put more effort into it than I would have. People are weird. That's why there are lawyers.
 
I am a bit confused, how could he have boxes of stuff from Auschwitz as a prisoner? That would be impossible, my step-father was among the troops that first arrived there and freed the camp. As I understand it from the very little he said, and history, the prisoners barely had their lives, let alone “boxes of stuff”.

Could he have been a guard? They would have had ”boxes of stuff”. Just curious, you probably don’t know.
What difference does it make?
 
i would write to the older lady -explain about what you said ' and how your feeling ' with no bad intensions meant
etc etc ..good luck ..

always best to never mention wills in a conversation 'seems the sis maybe afraid your coming to close ' people can be odd ....
It’s also a possibility that something got changed in the retelling of the story... Remember the old telephone game?
 

caringfriend

New Member
It all sounds like nonsense to me!

How can a sister that lives several hours away ban her adult sister from seeing anyone?

If the relationship is important to you keep the lines of communication open and ask your friend to contact you when she would like to visit.

IMO when your friend mentioned her concerns over what would happen to her if her sister died. I think that she was doing a little phishing to see if you would speak up and offer to take over her sister's duties.

Good luck to both of you!

Thanks Aunt Bea.
 

RadishRose

SF VIP
Location
CT USA
Because she would need money to hire someone to take care of her needs. Therefore, the sister needed to make arrangements for her care. The OP was doing things for her and had assumed a slight caretaker role. In that role, the conversation about the Will was valid.
oh, I had it backwards. She meant the sister should make a will.
 
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caringfriend

New Member
When I was 50, I ran into a former friend of my mom's. She was around 60. She told me she was moving into an apartment with a friend of hers - a guy who was 92 & they were both not in shape to move & her friend's nephew was supposed to help them move, but he had to go into the hospital for hip replacement surgery.
Since I was between jobs & had free time, I said I would help. Her friend was a pack rat, so moving him wasn't easy. He had stacks of boxes of stuff from years ago when he was a prisoner at Auschwitz.
The move took five days. A few weeks later, I called to ask how the nephew was doing - how the surgery went. The nephew answered the phone. I said, "Hi. How are you doing?"
He said, "Who the hell are you?"
I said, "I helped your uncle & her friend move into their apartment."
He said, "Well, now that you helped, you don't need to call again."
I said, "I just called to say hi & ask how you're doing.....what the hell is your problem?"
He said, "Take a hint....don't call again."
I said, "What a prize you are.....F you."

Later, I spoke to my mom's friend & the uncle. They both told me the nephew has always been an a--hole & the reason he didn't want me to talk to his uncle was because he thought that since I didn't want to be paid for moving them, I wanted money left to me in his will, since he was 92.

Sometimes, people think everyone else is like them....

it's shocking to be met with such abrupt conversation.
 
It all sounds like nonsense to me!

How can a sister that lives several hours away ban her adult sister from seeing anyone?

If the relationship is important to you keep the lines of communication open and ask your friend to contact you when she would like to visit.

IMO when your friend mentioned her concerns over what would happen to her if her sister died. I think that she was doing a little phishing to see if you would speak up and offer to take over her sister's duties.

Good luck to both of you!
Oh you'd be surprised at the degrees of power individuals can sometimes have even at a distance.
It sounds to me the sister has motives that aren't in the elderly lady's best interest.
I'd advise the OP to contact whatever agency in her area deals with elder abuse and have them check into it.
 

Sunny

SF VIP
Location
Maryland
I think the problem here was the word "Will." What would have made more sense is "Living Will." She was worried about her own care, if the sister was gone, maybe about extreme medical treatment measures keeping her alive, with no one to represent her, etc. That's what a living will does. An actual will would be irrelevant in this case, it seems to me.

I also wondered, as Aunt Bea did, how the sister could ban her from seeing anyway. It sounds as if this woman is more than a little confused. Maybe she shouldn't be living independently, but that shouldn't be your problem.

You did the best you could, and she was lucky to have you for a friend.
 
I am a bit confused, how could he have boxes of stuff from Auschwitz as a prisoner? That would be impossible, my step-father was among the troops that first arrived there and freed the camp. As I understand it from the very little he said, and history, the prisoners barely had their lives, let alone “boxes of stuff”.

Could he have been a guard? They would have had ”boxes of stuff”. Just curious, you probably don’t know.

Yup, they had the clothes on their backs. Some didn't even have clothes.
 
i would write to the older lady -explain about what you said ' and how your feeling ' with no bad intensions meant
etc etc ..good luck ..

always best to never mention wills in a conversation 'seems the sis maybe afraid your coming to close ' people can be odd ....

I would not get further involved. It might look like you are protesting too much. Sometimes the best solution is to just walk away.
 

win231

Well-known Member
Location
CA
Another similar experience:
Back in my teens, I had a piano teacher. She was Russian & her husband was Romanian. When they got up into their 80's & stopped driving, I often socialized with them - taking them out to breakfast on weekends, helping her care for her cats, errands, etc. Her husband considered himself a chef & a connoisseur of watches & jewelry & he had a little business on the side, selling them.
He liked to show me his expensive diamond rings & other jewelry & say, "I want you to have this when I die." I knew he was trying to show his appreciation, so i said nothing, even though I wasn't interested. His wife would give him a dirty look.
Later, after his funeral, I'd call his wife to ask how she was doing & if she needed help with anything - errands, cat care (she had 10 cats). She would say, "No," & hang up. Obviously, she was afraid I would ask for the jewelry her husband wanted me to have. I just stopped calling her.
 

MarciKS

~♥~
Location
Kansas
In today's climate of elder fraud, I'd steer clear of any "personal" advice. Families are very suspicious of strangers inserting themselves into the lives of elderly relatives....no matter how innocent it may be.
It's kinda sad if you can't be friends with someone because someone else might think you're after their money.
 

fancicoffee13

Member
Location
Texas
I am friends with an 85 year old woman. I was of the impression she had no friends or family. That's how it seemed. I have treated her to lunch, stopped over (with her permission) to drop off a hamburger for her dog and a milkshake for her, just been kind to her all around. And phoned her to see how she is doing.

She has a hard time walking so I would put her wheelchair in my trunk of the car and take her out. She wanted to get out and was happy about it. My mother died in a nursing home so I have compassion for elders. Although this friend does live at home. The last time I saw her she told her she has a sister who takes care of her needs. The sister lives several hours away and is herself a senior.

My friend said "I don't know what I will do if my sister dies". She was confiding in me. I told her to make sure she has a will. I didn't know what else to say. She was saying she was afraid the person who takes care of her dies, so I thought saying "make sure you have a will" was logical because then the will, "will" take care of her. Isn't that what a compassionate friend would say if someone is fearful of being on their own which is what she was telling me? Well, apparently saying that backfired!

I guess she mentioned it to her sister..(I am not sure what was said) and now I have been "banned" from seeing my friend. I said what I did because she was afraid of being on her own and I thought if she had a will that would protect her from harm. I was misunderstood for sure. And startled by the response.
You were doing the best you could, plus, you weren't real sure how to respond. I would say, just let it go and chalk it all up to experience.
 


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