Difficult situation with elderly in-laws living out of state and dealing with their dementia

Hello Bob...
My name is Gia and I have only just join this forum yesterday - but I was looking around and I find this topic that you post. (Please excuse me - English is my second language). I do not have an answer for you - but I can tell you that you situation with you parents is parallel to my friend.

We also living in Massachusetts, and her parents are in Coral Spring, Florida. Her father have early-mid stage Alzheimer disease, and her mother also is beginning to decline (mentally) from all the stress of caring for him. They also have aides who coming to they house, and it is very apparent that they both will need to make the move to a safer environment. The aides situation is not terrific - there have been new ones replacing others frequently, and problems with loss of personal items. But - the situation itself is same thing - the mother is adamant that she will not retorn to live in "cold-state" Massachusetts.

My friend have get in touch with an advocate in they county, and the advocate will (this week, actually) pay a visit to them to do an assessment and make a report back to my friend. My friend (Paula) wishes to place them in to an Assisted Living facility near her home here in MA...the father will eventually need to be place in the Alzheimer unit for his own safety, and the mother will have opportunity to relax and still see him on a daily basis while her own needs are attend to. No more worry about cooking and leaving stove burner on alone is worth it to my friend.

BUT - if they can not be convince to move "back home" they will at least be place in a facility where they will be safe. The thought is that the advocate will speak with the mother about making a move to a safe environment and convince her that it is vital. Generally, they (elderly) will understand and respond more ready to an advocate even more than one of they children.

The advocates deal with this issue on a daily basis, and they know what work and what not work. I know how difficult it is - I have been watching Paula stress over this issue for months now....and she is anxious for the report and recommendation by the professional who will observe and speak with her parents. (Paula and her husband Jim are not willing OR able to move closer to the parents - they own children and grandchildren are here in the north...moving down to FL was her parents dream, not Paula & Jim's)..... Believe it or not, many of the cases are Florida parents vs. out of state children, so they know what and how to proceed. (It has become a secondary job for professionals...this out-of-stare conferencing.)

I wish you all the best of luck...I know this is so difficult and I wish I can give to you a more definite and straight forward answer - but I just wanted you to know that you certainly are not alone out there....SO many of our generation are going through this with our parents. I was fortunate to be able to care for my parents in my own home until they just had to go to a nursing care facility....and then they was not there for very long before they pass.

It is very important that you speak to the correct people as quickly as possible. It generally take a frightening crisis for the caregiver (in you case, you wife's Mama) to make the decision for accepting help. The advocate is able to show drama-acted videos of a spouse who take the car and was discover driving at night time in heavy traffic - the car was stop in the middle of the highway. Very dangerous, obviously.....but when they see that "OH MY" moments, it begin to take shape in they minds that yes, some thing can happen and I am alone and can not stop it by my self. In other word - REALITY is presented to them.

Most of these couples own they own homes and that require selling and disperse of they belongings...so much to think about - but it is they safety that is the most important. I know you know that.... believe it or not, this will all work out for you...and I wish you and you wife and you in-laws all the very best. You are not alone.... From Gia.
 

Thanks Gia. It's been an interesting and frustrating journey. As my wife said recently, "my mom got her wish." We will let her die in FL. What's ironic and sad now is that she's begging her daughters not to leave her. Part of this is the dementia talking, but she's getting her wish. She was stubborn all these years about not wanting to move back and "be a burden", and yet here we are all these years later, being "burdened" because of her inability or unwillingness to see down the road. It seems harsh, but she's getting what she asked for so often. I feel for her, I truly do, but now I just hope her death comes quickly and ends this so called life she's living.
 
Oh Bob..... again - the parallel continues. The same for Paula's mother - INDEPENDENT always, now needing help but must be on her own terms. It is difficult to realize that they beginning to losing they dignity and sense of control as they age - and oh how nice it would be if they would just consent to having help....but some wish to be the PARENT all the way and believe that they childrens do not know what is best for them. I understanding exactly what you say.... and Paula say the exact same words to me, "she never was want to be a burden, yet she is causing that issue for us without even realizing it" .....

Yes, her death will be the solution, but in the meantime, it is the children who must take over for they safety. An advocate can be such a big help (also call an Ombudsman I believe?) ..... I can hear you frustration and I wish for you and you wife to finding the perfect helper to guide you all through this transition time. God Bless you...and I hope you find the perfect helper to guide you - you and you wife are correct in wanting her parents to be safe and well care for. Things will begin to happen quickly ...try you best to find some one for helping.

Good Luck Bob... I will follow this thread with hopes of a happy outcome for all involve - ...(I am still trying to find my way around here right now).... Take good care - both of you.... From Gia
 
Thanks Shalimar and Gia for your kind wishes of strength and emotional support as we navigate this difficult path. It is an interesting, often frustrating life lesson. They don't teach you this in school.
 
Hope all works out for you and the family, Bob. Dealing with someone with dementia can be very difficult. My dad had it but he put faith in my brother and sister to do what was best for him. He lived very nearby to them in an excellent facility. Lived there for 9 years I think before he died.
 
Bobw235 said:
Thanks Annie. We are really fortunate that she has the means to have around the clock care in her home.
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That's great, Bob. Best to stay in your own home if you can. My dad's care was extremely expensive, especially since it was 9 years and the last 4 or 5 he was like an infant.
 
Yes... interesting and often frustrating life lessons... hopefully, our generation will learn much from it and prepare our own families for helping US when we are in need.... EVEN BETTER if they will find a cure for Alzheimer disease at the very least..... Fingers cross for you... Take care... Gia
 
Gia said:
Yes... interesting and often frustrating life lessons... hopefully, our generation will learn much from it and prepare our own families for helping US when we are in need.... EVEN BETTER if they will find a cure for Alzheimer disease at the very least..... Fingers cross for you... Take care... Gia
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I keep reading about studies saying it's plaque in the brain and if it's removed, the symptoms are less or gone. Sounds promising! I think it's my biggest fear as I age.
 
Hello Annie .... Yes I have hear that also...... and I just hear that they are working on recovery of memories in mice and it is very very promising. It is a researcher at MIT university who have discover this - that memory is recoverable in certain instances.....there will now be a BIG push for this research. I think we ALL are worry for develop Alzheimer or ANY dementia, really. It is so frightening to know that people are living mostly healthy otherwise, but then the brain is develop the disease. I hoping the research will develop in to some thing that can quickly help those in need! So many miracles are happening - we should all pray that especially this one will be the answer. xo
 
Bob235 -- I feel for you, and you're in my thoughts. Going through my mother's things after she died was very difficult, much junk, but some things of great meaning. There is still an old cedar chest, where my mother kept her most cherished things, that my sis and I still haven't gone through -- it almost seems like a personal violation to do so. It just sits in a bedroom in my home, unopened for years. Maybe we should go ahead and do it, as sis and I are not getting any younger and mother's things would have no meaning at all to anyone else still living.

So sorry you and your wife are having to go through this.
 
Butterfly said:
Bob235 -- I feel for you, and you're in my thoughts. Going through my mother's things after she died was very difficult, much junk, but some things of great meaning. There is still an old cedar chest, where my mother kept her most cherished things, that my sis and I still haven't gone through -- it almost seems like a personal violation to do so. It just sits in a bedroom in my home, unopened for years. Maybe we should go ahead and do it, as sis and I are not getting any younger and mother's things would have no meaning at all to anyone else still living.

So sorry you and your wife are having to go through this.
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Thanks for your kind words Butterfly. For me (and to a lesser extent my wife), this was not so much a painful exercise, but a way of moving forward and feeling productive. For my sister-in-law it was very emotional as she was much closer to her father. Every time we threw something in the box for trash, it was as she put it "like another nail in his coffin." She couldn't even go into his closet while down there.

I think the tougher part of the trip was seeing just how profound my mother-in-law's dementia has become. While there are moments of lucidity, there are many more moments of paranoia, hate, anger, sadness, grief, fear, etc. It's sad to see someone in this state.

I was actually thinking there might be some benefit in starting a thread on here related to Alzheimer's and dementia, a place where members of the forum can share research, stories, caregiving advice, etc. What do you think? This is a subject that sadly will impact many of us in the years to come.
 
At times like this it can be really helpful to be a member of a church or synagogue or other religious community. Having a church family is not only great when you need support and advice, but having a clergyman with experience and training in matters like this one is invaluable, maybe a lawyer who is a member, other people to help you network.

It doesn't always work this way, by any means, but sometimes it does. It can be like having extended family, not only the people in your immediate congregation, but their relatives and friends, some of whom might live in the same place as the relatives you could be trying to help.
 
The situation has stabilized since our visit in March. My mother-in-law has a visiting hospice nurse coming in once a week and we get an update from them, but nothing seems to have changed. She is existing, but I think slowly and inevitably declining. My sister-in-law visited last weekend and reported that her mother barely opened her eyes during the entire time, but did talk from time to time and knew she was there. My mother-in-law doesn't always know where she is and calls with my wife are hit or miss, mostly the latter. She can rarely talk on the phone and when she does, most of it doesn't make sense.

We've made plans to go there next month for four days, where we'll continue organizing my late father-in-law's things, donating items to charity and doing what we can to help my mother-in-law.
 

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