Do you feel like you can ask your adult children for help when you need it?

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PenelopePlum

New Member
I recently asked my son in law for some help moving a small amount of items from my storage to my garage. Nothing too huge or heavy, just bins and bags mostly. (He has a pickup.) This is the first time I’ve ever asked him for help with anything. I placed no timeframe on the request, told him we could do it anytime it was convenient for him if he was willing.

Next thing I know my daughter was making it clear to me that they both felt I was “manipulating” him. So the long and short of it is, the answer is no. I don’t ask my daughter for any help anymore. Haven’t tried for years. She resents anytime I’ve ever asked, so I’ve only tried rarely when I’m in a real jam like I am now. She’s the kind of person who blows up if you don’t do every little thing her way. Very unpleasant.

I’ve always been a very independent person, preferring to take care of myself. So it’s not like I have a history of trying to take advantage of people. In the current instance I’ve tried to find someone I can hire to do the job but haven’t been able to.

I’m nearly 70 years old now and no longer able to do as much as I once was. I’m starting to feel like I’ll never be able to count on my family for anything no matter how old or infirm I get.. It’s depressing to think about. You give everything you have to your kids for decades, and yet it’s too much trouble to do you a small favor now and then.

I keep waiting for my daughter to mature enough to take on a more adult role, but she’s in her mid-40’s now and we’re still not there. I think I raised her better than this, it wasn’t the example I set for her growing up. I don’t know why she’s like this. I wonder, is it her generation or what? Anybody else having this issue?
 

I don’t have any children but I’ve been on the other side of this issue.

I don’t think it’s fair to expect anything from your adult children but I agree that it’s wonderful when they volunteer to help when needed.

I also feel the same when it comes to parents being expected to help adult children.

We should all just do what feels right for our situation without any expectations.

If it’s nothing too huge or heavy I would pick away at it and remain independent.

At nearly 70, it might be time to dispose of the contents of a storage unit once and for all.

Good luck to you and your family.
 
No, I'm not the type to expect anything or even ask. Plus we live on opposite sides of the country and don't even keep in touch. Been years since we spoke.
 

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@PenelopePlum
I have read this 3 times now and trying to sort my feelings out. So much sounds so familiar to what I have had to adapt to. What to accept.
Adjust my thinking on. My heart goes out to you on this decision and hurt you are going through.
At times I frustrate my sons because I don't ask for help. Other times I have to hear jokes about the aging process and how my abilities have changed. Other times one son got mad I didn't ask for help but his wife reacted as your daughter did, which made me step back and say, never again. I won't be the cause of problems between them.
The family bond belief has definitely changed over the years and it makes me wonder how our children are going to be treated once they are where we are. I have made major sacrifices for my sons over the years, but those were given freely not as a debt.
If they do pitch in and help, I just savor the moment and tuck it away as a good memory now. If they don't I realize, I too have sent them mixed messages as to how independent I am, so they tread lightly most likely.
I wish I knew the clear answer, we each can only proceed as to what works best in our individual life. Sometimes sadness comes with that choice.
 
I very rarely ask for help but both my kids will help when needed and never complain, tho my son lives in another country now so no longer can help. I know I'm lucky in that regard, I see how some of my friends struggle and their children live close but are "too busy" to help.

To the OP...you may want to hire a local kid or handyman to help when needed, tell your daughter you are spending down her inheritance.
 
Every one of my kids, spanning to 35-50 age bracket, can and have helped when I’ve needed it. Daughter-in-law and son-in law included. I don’t hesitate to ask if I need their help with something, whether it’s something physical, a ride, tech help, watching my dogs when we go out of town, anything.

They also know that I will, and have, helped them in whatever way I can. Currently helping my son and soon-to-be daughter in law plan their wedding as one of many examples.

Our relationship is reciprocal, we’re a close family.
 
My boys don't live close, but once a year they come to visit.
My youngest son will help if I ask, and my older son wants projects to do while he's here, so he does the stuff I put off, like installing a new garage door or a grill guard on a pickup, put up a basketball hoop on the garage, etc.
He's happy to have something to do, and his brother and I usually help him.
It's good together time, we joke, tell stories, make fun of each other, etc.
I make sure they have plenty to eat and drink.
My daughter lives in town, and since they live rent free in one of my houses, they don't mind helping once in a while.
Son-in-law is kind of hard to get started, so I only use him if the project is too high, like cleaning the chimney. I've found it's easier to clean the gutters myself than to get him to do it.
Most things, it's just easier and faster to do it myself
 
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