Do you feel like you can ask your adult children for help when you need it?

P

PenelopePlum

New Member
I recently asked my son in law for some help moving a small amount of items from my storage to my garage. Nothing too huge or heavy, just bins and bags mostly. (He has a pickup.) This is the first time I’ve ever asked him for help with anything. I placed no timeframe on the request, told him we could do it anytime it was convenient for him if he was willing.

Next thing I know my daughter was making it clear to me that they both felt I was “manipulating” him. So the long and short of it is, the answer is no. I don’t ask my daughter for any help anymore. Haven’t tried for years. She resents anytime I’ve ever asked, so I’ve only tried rarely when I’m in a real jam like I am now. She’s the kind of person who blows up if you don’t do every little thing her way. Very unpleasant.

I’ve always been a very independent person, preferring to take care of myself. So it’s not like I have a history of trying to take advantage of people. In the current instance I’ve tried to find someone I can hire to do the job but haven’t been able to.

I’m nearly 70 years old now and no longer able to do as much as I once was. I’m starting to feel like I’ll never be able to count on my family for anything no matter how old or infirm I get.. It’s depressing to think about. You give everything you have to your kids for decades, and yet it’s too much trouble to do you a small favor now and then.

I keep waiting for my daughter to mature enough to take on a more adult role, but she’s in her mid-40’s now and we’re still not there. I think I raised her better than this, it wasn’t the example I set for her growing up. I don’t know why she’s like this. I wonder, is it her generation or what? Anybody else having this issue?
 

I don’t have any children but I’ve been on the other side of this issue.

I don’t think it’s fair to expect anything from your adult children but I agree that it’s wonderful when they volunteer to help when needed.

I also feel the same when it comes to parents being expected to help adult children.

We should all just do what feels right for our situation without any expectations.

If it’s nothing too huge or heavy I would pick away at it and remain independent.

At nearly 70, it might be time to dispose of the contents of a storage unit once and for all.

Good luck to you and your family.
 
@PenelopePlum
I have read this 3 times now and trying to sort my feelings out. So much sounds so familiar to what I have had to adapt to. What to accept.
Adjust my thinking on. My heart goes out to you on this decision and hurt you are going through.
At times I frustrate my sons because I don't ask for help. Other times I have to hear jokes about the aging process and how my abilities have changed. Other times one son got mad I didn't ask for help but his wife reacted as your daughter did, which made me step back and say, never again. I won't be the cause of problems between them.
The family bond belief has definitely changed over the years and it makes me wonder how our children are going to be treated once they are where we are. I have made major sacrifices for my sons over the years, but those were given freely not as a debt.
If they do pitch in and help, I just savor the moment and tuck it away as a good memory now. If they don't I realize, I too have sent them mixed messages as to how independent I am, so they tread lightly most likely.
I wish I knew the clear answer, we each can only proceed as to what works best in our individual life. Sometimes sadness comes with that choice.
 
I very rarely ask for help but both my kids will help when needed and never complain, tho my son lives in another country now so no longer can help. I know I'm lucky in that regard, I see how some of my friends struggle and their children live close but are "too busy" to help.

To the OP...you may want to hire a local kid or handyman to help when needed, tell your daughter you are spending down her inheritance.
 
Every one of my kids, spanning to 35-50 age bracket, can and have helped when I’ve needed it. Daughter-in-law and son-in law included. I don’t hesitate to ask if I need their help with something, whether it’s something physical, a ride, tech help, watching my dogs when we go out of town, anything.

They also know that I will, and have, helped them in whatever way I can. Currently helping my son and soon-to-be daughter in law plan their wedding as one of many examples.

Our relationship is reciprocal, we’re a close family.
 
My boys don't live close, but once a year they come to visit.
My youngest son will help if I ask, and my older son wants projects to do while he's here, so he does the stuff I put off, like installing a new garage door or a grill guard on a pickup, put up a basketball hoop on the garage, etc.
He's happy to have something to do, and his brother and I usually help him.
It's good together time, we joke, tell stories, make fun of each other, etc.
I make sure they have plenty to eat and drink.
My daughter lives in town, and since they live rent free in one of my houses, they don't mind helping once in a while.
Son-in-law is kind of hard to get started, so I only use him if the project is too high, like cleaning the chimney. I've found it's easier to clean the gutters myself than to get him to do it.
Most things, it's just easier and faster to do it myself
 
Yesterday, my doctor said "Say hi to your son. He loves you."

Unfortunately, my son has a burden. Me. I require a lot of assistance. I wish I didn't. I hate it. But, son there for me, with doctors and hospitals; grocery assistance; odd jobs around my apartment.

He is a very good son to me. Wish I didn't need him as much as I do. He is there.
 
Can I ask my adult child for help? :ROFLMAO: NO.

I only had one child, a daughter. We are estranged and I have no current phone or address for her, but even before it got to that point, she only expected me to help her. I don't recall her ever helping anyone her entire life.

Consequently, she is in my will to inherit only a minimal sum, providing she responds within 30 days to a certified letter mailed to her last known address by the Executor of my estate. If she does not, her portion will go to a specific charity for orphans.
 
Ah,children...I have 2 adult kids that are independently wealthy and we are estranged. MY daughter really dislkes me and most other people. She is a complicated person and I would not want to ask her for anything.

Her brother, on the other hand, is a hard working businessman who owns his own business and has lotsa other people and families dependent on his business for income. He is good to them. When we try to talk he is very nice but before we hang up his gives me his version of our discussion and it's never quite what I told him.

I haven't talked to them in years and quite frankly, they evolved into what I call "people I once knew". I am very content with knowing they are ok.
 
I absolutely hate asking for anything at all. . I’m a stubborn old person! .. but my adult kids live very close, (2 of 3) and they would be here in a flash if I called any of them for help. … no doubt in my mind.
I know that I am lucky in that respect after reading what others have going on with parent-child relationships. .
 
PenelopePlum said:
I recently asked my son in law for some help moving a small amount of items from my storage to my garage. Nothing too huge or heavy, just bins and bags mostly. (He has a pickup.) This is the first time I’ve ever asked him for help with anything. I placed no timeframe on the request, told him we could do it anytime it was convenient for him if he was willing.

Next thing I know my daughter was making it clear to me that they both felt I was “manipulating” him. So the long and short of it is, the answer is no. I don’t ask my daughter for any help anymore. Haven’t tried for years. She resents anytime I’ve ever asked, so I’ve only tried rarely when I’m in a real jam like I am now. She’s the kind of person who blows up if you don’t do every little thing her way. Very unpleasant.

I’ve always been a very independent person, preferring to take care of myself. So it’s not like I have a history of trying to take advantage of people. In the current instance I’ve tried to find someone I can hire to do the job but haven’t been able to.

I’m nearly 70 years old now and no longer able to do as much as I once was. I’m starting to feel like I’ll never be able to count on my family for anything no matter how old or infirm I get.. It’s depressing to think about. You give everything you have to your kids for decades, and yet it’s too much trouble to do you a small favor now I keep waiting for my daughter to mature enough to take on a more adult role, but she’s in her mid-40’s now and we’re still not there. I think I raised her better than this, it wasn’t the example I set for her growing up. I don’t know why she’s like this. I wonder, is it her generation or what? Anybody else having this issue?
Click to expand...
I’ve always been independent, however since my husband passed in February ,My life has changed. I’m selling my home, and got rid of everything except a few sentimental possessions… I gave to my grandkids -,who are grown and my daughter!
She and her husband have stepped in (voluntarily) helping me getting the house up on the market! However, I know they have things to do, I hate having to ask each time about the next step.
If I could I would do it on my own, however I’m now living with them, an hour from my house I don’t drive anymore… So it’s when they can make time. My SIL has his own business and sets his own hrs … my daughter doesn’t work but always has some place to run to - Hair - Nails- Massage..
My grandkids are all grown so they’re not in constant need, so this puts me in the awkward spot of having to wait till they tell me or I have to ask! Then I get the - I have a million things to do answer! I offer to pay to have the lawn cut , but my SIL insists it’s too much money!.. Then my daughter says he complains about how long it takes!
This has been going on since April with me trying to get the house on the market and with them now saying they will sell it without realtor and it won’t be till they have time to deal with it.
I’m just so frustrated… I feel trapped!
btw… Thanks for letting me Vent!
 
Both my adult children live near me. Both son and daughter have been outstanding in helping me out. Son often comes by and has a quick look around to see if anything needs repairing, fixing, etc. and then just does it. This has almost become a bone of contention between us as I always feel a little guilty and tell him I can hire someone to do the job. He also provides the same assistance to my daughter if she needs it – just always there willing to help.
 
PenelopePlum said:
I recently asked my son in law for some help moving a small amount of items from my storage to my garage. Nothing too huge or heavy, just bins and bags mostly. (He has a pickup.)
Click to expand...
That sounds like a very reasonable request, I'm surprised and sorry they were not willing to help.

I'd think anyone with a pickup would be used to being asked to help friends, coworkers and family members.
 
ME/TOO said:
This has been going on since April with me trying to get the house on the market and with them now saying they will sell it without realtor and it won’t be till they have time to deal with it.
I’m just so frustrated… I feel trapped!
btw… Thanks for letting me Vent!
Click to expand...
Sometimes you simply need to make things happen. Call a realtor and have them meet with you where you're living, list the house and get it done with. Your house, your decisions.
 
ME/TOO said:
I’ve always been independent, however since my husband passed in February ,My life has changed. I’m selling my home, and got rid of everything except a few sentimental possessions… I gave to my grandkids -,who are grown and my daughter!
She and her husband have stepped in (voluntarily) helping me getting the house up on the market! However, I know they have things to do, I hate having to ask each time about the next step.
If I could I would do it on my own, however I’m now living with them, an hour from my house I don’t drive anymore… So it’s when they can make time. My SIL has his own business and sets his own hrs … my daughter doesn’t work but always has some place to run to - Hair - Nails- Massage..
My grandkids are all grown so they’re not in constant need, so this puts me in the awkward spot of having to wait till they tell me or I have to ask! Then I get the - I have a million things to do answer! I offer to pay to have the lawn cut , but my SIL insists it’s too much money!.. Then my daughter says he complains about how long it takes!
This has been going on since April with me trying to get the house on the market and with them now saying they will sell it without realtor and it won’t be till they have time to deal with it.
I’m just so frustrated… I feel trapped!
btw… Thanks for letting me Vent!
Click to expand...
Take back your power. You sound like you are completely able and aware of the world around you. Whatever it is to get the house cleaned out, do it. Do't ask them. Find a place thatwill help you through the county or friends. When the house is ready to be sold, find a realtor and slap a sign on it. When it sells, take your proceeds and find a place to live on your own if that's what you want. The kids do not think you can do this but you can. I know you have doubts but as long as you have your mind you'll be ok.
 

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