Does it have to be True Love as we get older?

G

GeorgiaXplant

Well-known Member
Location
Georgia
Not a question for youngsters! Only for those of us of a certain age:)

If you were to meet someone of like mind whose company you really enjoy and who shares some interests, would you entertain the idea of marriage or living together even if there weren't stars in your eyes, bombs bursting in air, all the romantic stuff we seem to attach to love?

I've always been of a mind that loving someone or being "in love" is not a guarantee that you can live together in harmony. If you can have both, it's a bonus, but if you have someone in your life with whom you share common interests and you respect, would that be enough?
 

GeorgiaXplant said:
Not a question for youngsters! Only for those of us of a certain age:)

If you were to meet someone of like mind whose company you really enjoy and who shares some interests, would you entertain the idea of marriage or living together even if there weren't stars in your eyes, bombs bursting in air, all the romantic stuff we seem to attach to love?

I've always been of a mind that loving someone or being "in love" is not a guarantee that you can live together in harmony. If you can have both, it's a bonus, but if you have someone in your life with whom you share common interests and you respect, would that be enough?
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ABSOLUTELY!! And that's exactly what I did... I finally met a man whose company I enjoyed... who made me laugh... who was funny without being sarcastic or mean.... who I enjoyed being with and never got sick of his company.... shared common interests... everything you mentioned. But no.. there were never "Stars" or "Firecrackers" going off.. Who needs that... That only goes away and brings disappointment. I wouldn't trade this man in for a whole boat load of firecrackers.. This is a person I can relax around.. be myself.. and have a peaceful existence.. Marrying him was the best decision I've ever made.. and whose to say what "true love" is anyway? Happiness and mutual respect means a heck of a lot more than "Stars". Especially at our ages.
 
QuickSilver said:
ABSOLUTELY!! And that's exactly what I did... I finally met a man whose company I enjoyed... who made me laugh... who was funny without being sarcastic or mean.... who I enjoyed being with and never got sick of his company.... shared common interests... everything you mentioned. But no.. there were never "Stars" or "Firecrackers" going off.. Who needs that... That only goes away and brings disappointment. I wouldn't trade this man in for a whole boat load of firecrackers.. This is a person I can relax around.. be myself.. and have a peaceful existence.. Marrying him was the best decision I've ever made.. and whose to say what "true love" is anyway? Happiness and mutual respect means a heck of a lot more than "Stars". Especially at our ages.
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That sounds wonderful and as I think it should be really, the other stuff is just what books and fairy tales tell people it should be like really, one reason I find many so annoying. Fireworks are fleeting, I mean, it's fun, but, fleeting.
 

Let me tell you... I met my husband when I was 53 and a veteran of two previous marriages and a few relationships.. I have had my fill of "Fireworks" as they tend to obscure common sense.. I was determined I was going to look for something different the 3rd time around.. I'm very glad I did..
 
I guess it's just "kids"...i.e., those under maybe 40-ish and marrying for the first time...who still believe that it's necessary to find a soul mate and one true love and all that blather.

I've always thought that there were probably a lot of people to fall in love with but probably not a lot of people to live with and be happy.

If I were to meet a Perfectly Good Person of the male persuasion, I don't think I'd be inclined to move on to matrimony or living together, but I would be inclined to cultivate a close friendship. I wouldn't mind having a gentleman caller.
 
No, there doesn't have to be "fireworks". Mutual respect, affection and compatibility does the trick quite well. You'll often read about people who have been married 50-60-70 years and they're "still as much in love as when they married." Good for them.....but for ever one of those couples, there are 1000 couples who have been married for 50 years who are just living together because there isn't anything better to do.

The elderly woman leans across the table to her husband of 60 years and says, "You know, darling, you still affect me like you did 60 years ago when we married."

"How's that?" he asks.

"When I look at you, my breasts get hot and tingly, just like they used to," she croons.

"No wonder," he growls. "One of them is in your coffee and the other one's floating in your Alka-Seltzer."
 
True love is a myth of fairy tales and romance novelists. In the beginning its all hormones anyway --- lucky if we end up liking each other after that wears off, which apparently it does after about a year, according to experts. When these old couples say they are still 'in love' I wonder how they define love. I imagine they love each other like platonic old friends, minus all the 'magic'.
 
I have never believed in True Love, anyway. Not with a partner...true love with my kids, yes, for sure. That's wired in solid unless you mess with the wiring, like with meth or crack or something. As for one person out there meant for me (or anyone), I think that's hogwash. It's natural to "fall in love" when you're young and nubile, because it's necessary. And it's natural for that feeling to fade in time. But that isn't true love, it's body chemistry. Had I visited every nation in the world, and been thorough about it, I could have *fallen in love* with thousands of men per nation.

Wish I'd have had the time.
 
The hubby and I have been married for 44 years. The fire works are long gone. I think we are much different now. Luckily for us we still have respect for each other, common interests and we give each other the space we need which is very important to me. We don't always have to do everything together.. I guess we are like two comfortable old shoes. Cookie, I think you said it best.
 
I do believe you can be deeply in love with the person, but, absent of fireworks and all that jazz for it to be substantial, that's the part I think we're talking of not needing, true love can mean different things to different people, just not some mythical, epic kind we read about in romance novels, though. I much rather fall into something special with someone I've had as a friend first. I believe a number of people are very much in love with their spouses and or SO.

I've had the great passion fireworks in my day, even had it with the man I was really in love with I felt those things for one person before, but it was his soul I fell for, he was a beautiful human being greatly imperfect, as I am, but, a good soul and a person I would have wanted to keep as a friend no matter if we stayed boyfriend girlfriend. I was the one who ruined, mostly, (his mom didn't help the first time around), it time and time again in our case. But I'm sure It really wasn't meant to be and I don't regret that it's never going to be, but, I miss the friendship part of that relationship most, he was someone, I think I would have loved long after the passion was gone as long as he stayed true to the inner person I got to know. Because when all I knew was his surface, to me he was in many ways like any other man I'd dated over the previous years, interested in my surface, I'm sure I could have felt the same about any other who had the same core values as him, but now, I'm not looking, but, if I met a nice person who I start out as friends with as described by the OP, on never mind, I rather not go that route if I can help it, but, I won't say never, ever, ever.
 
I guess we are like two comfortable old shoes. Yes the other night in the ER, way romantic using warm water to wash the blood out of hubby's beard...make him more comfortable after a long night. But that's love, not the kind you imagine as a teen, but that's it. Or for valentines he found the perfect card of two cuddling bull dogs.

I remember doing my internship with some seniors so frail they had to be wheeled to each other's rooms. But it was so sweet to watch. If they could still write they'd have you pass notes to boy and girl friends. Some would be so pleased sitting together for meals and spending the day chatting and watching TV...holding hands. That was true love too.
 
I didn't believe that was necessary when I was 18 and met hubby of 44 years. My mom was so worried because "it will never work if you don't love him". I do love him and that's based on shared experiences, respect and admiration for the man he is, for what a good roller-coaster rider he is, because I can certainly make life go up and down, for his hands-on always-there parenting, for his generosity and compassion for others, for his strengths where I am weak, (domestic diva I am not, but man can he cook and do laundry!!) I chose my husband with an open and rational mind, not a stars-in-my-eyes blindness. NO REGRETS!! I am still the luckiest wife on the planet and it doesn't mean there weren't fireworks and awesome intimacy too! That was just icing on the cake.
 
I always thought True Love was the name of a romance magazine ...

I went through the firecracker stage as a kid - late teens / early twenties - then I got married.

That showed a different kind of love.

Then I got divorced - yet another kind of love, or lack thereof.

Became a "monk" for too many years. Total lack of love.

And now - fireworks again ... :love_heart:
 
IME there has to be at least a little chemistry.

IMO you have to be best friends for it to work, to last.

I once knew a member of the clergy, who did counseling, including relationship counseling, who had been married for 20+ years, who said that when a young couple is first married they have sex all the time because they don't know each other well enough to have anything to talk about.

I thought that was so sad. I can't imagine marrying anyone, or even going on vacation with anyone, with whom I can't talk about anything and everything. Some people think "intimacy" means only sexual intimacy. I feel sorry for them.

My parents were each other's best friends. They each had other friends, but they were each other's best friends.

I think John Lennon said it best, about Yoko, that she was his best mate and then they got to go to bed together and make love.

I think that's the way it should be. I have one good friend whom I have known for years but although at first there was some chemistry, the last few times I have seen him I couldn't imagine wanting to go to bed with him. Almost was turned off, not on. On the other hand, I had another good friend with whom I could talk about anything and everything, we got very intimate because of it and spending a lot of time together in a platonic relationship .... now for some reason he hates my guts and won't have anything to do with me. I thought it would be fun to make love with him; now I am very, very glad I did not.

Hormones never die, thank goodness. We never lose our desire, and need, for love and intimacy of whatever kind.

I would love to have a best friend with a soul that complements mine and with very opposite hormones and sex organs! A playfellow in every sense of the word.
 
I am happy to have a good female or male friend to hang out with at times. I'm not interested in romance/sex anymore. Had way way too many awful experiences in my life. I haven't given up, I have just opted to have a different style of life now. I have a nice lady friend down the street and we have dinner sometimes. I feel good with her and don't worry about anything.
 
My mom, who had been widowed three times, fell in love in the nursing home. The facility had an outing to a local garden on the cliffs next to the ocean. She happened to sit next to him (Del) on the bus. She was 88, and he was 77. They both glowed and sparkled around each other. She started being concerned about having her hair done again. She started doing things for him, and he loved it. He had some mental limitations because of illness. She had those as well. But how she did shine. It was wonderful to see. She was in love with Dad. She cared about her second and third husband. She was in love with Del. It was sweet.

I think each relationship can bring something new. Sometimes we have physical chemistry. Sometimes we have emotional and mental chemistry with someone. It isn't always the same. But if we have respect for each other, then relationships can blossom into something really special.
 
It was so nice to see my mom happy. She'd had so many sorrowful things happen to her. She had always said to never put her into a home. She was too sick to be at home or live with me. Once she was there, she was so glad she lived there. All the staff at the home adored my mother who had always been so shy. I love Del, like he was an uncle.
 
For the first time in my life, I feel it all. Fireworks, and a mental, emotional, spiritual connection that is off the charts. Having a man who can run around in my mind with me, as I do with him----best ever. Living apart, we have been forced to actually


communicate, to share on a deeper level. In person, one often speaks spontaneously, no real thought behind the words. When that is denied, even a hug impossible, communication becomes paramount. Things get real, and the walls come down. My son

swears by the depth of his online connections. Now I understand what he means, fireworks are great, but fleeting. Depth and commonality have saying power.
 
One of the things that I think we lost during the '60s and '70s was romance. In our eagerness to hop into bed, we never took the time to get to know each other. Mystery disappeared into writhing body sweat. I think that distance can be good for creating the space for romance and courtship. Maybe that's what's happening with you, Shalimar. Maybe, you are being introduced to the subtleties that allow love to blossom.
 
I saw a pic in whatever magazine today...Levar Burton...almost sixty and MMMM Hummm:p
12501419-levar-burton.jpg
 
Shalimar said:
Phoenix, I think you may be right. Certainly being courted is a novel experience for this flower child. I love it. The poet and the Sifu, who ever would have guessed?
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They say truth is stranger than fiction. I believe it.

Tell you what Fur, he's all yours. Now all you have to do is trap him.
 

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